Vicious Cycle

by Terri Blackstock

  She got out of the bed, her head spinning, and looked down at her bleeding hand. “Zeke, what do you want from me?”

  “I want you to go get that baby and come with me.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because you can’t keep it, that’s why!”

  “I know that. I’ve made all the arrangements. I signed adoption papers with Loving Arms.”

  “No!” With no warning, he hit her across her tender jaw. She stumbled back, almost falling. “You’re coming with me! Do you hear me? If I get the money they’re paying, I can get Mama out of jail and we can all score big.” His voice dropped to a rippling whisper. “Don’t you want that? To never have to worry where you’ll get your next hit? To have it just sitting there waiting for you whenever you need it? We’re talking forty grand! And they’re good for it. They already paid ten.”

  She tried to focus, but her jaw was already beginning to swell. His voice softened, and he moved closer to her face. His breath smelled as if he hadn’t brushed his teeth in months. His eyes didn’t focus quite right. One eye seemed pulled to the right, as if some unseen force bent them out of sync with each other. “Don’t you want that, Sis?” he asked, his voice trembling. “To have it right there, a whole stockpile of it? We can live in our own little world and nobody can bother us.”

  She did want it. At least the cells of her body, her neurons, her neurotransmitters—everything that had entangled itself with drugs wanted it. But then … there was Grace.

  “No. I don’t want it. I want to go back to New Day. I want to give Grace to the people I’ve chosen.”

  “For free?” he asked, disgusted. “And nobody gets anything out of it?”

  “I’ll get something. I’ll know she’s safe. That she’s got a shot at a better life than I’ve had. And she’ll get good parents who love her.”

  He swung again, this time knocking her food tray off her rolling table. It clattered to the floor. She glanced at the door, hoping a nurse would hear the crash and come running. But he’d closed the door. They probably couldn’t hear. She groped for the nurse’s call button, but he jerked the control out of her hand.

  “You and me and Mama will get nothing! She’ll sit there in jail and you’ll go into some perverted foster home with some fat guy salivating over you. You ignorant, empty skull—you’re ruining everything!”

  “I’m not ignorant,” she said, throwing her chin up. “And I’m not empty. There’s more to me than you’ve always said. There’s more to me!”

  Her rebellion only inflamed him more. He shoved the food table out of his way and grabbed her arm, twisting it. “Get dressed. Get the kid and let’s go, or I’ll smash every bone in your face, and nobody will ever want you for the rest of your life.”

  When she hesitated, he grabbed her by her throat. “Stop!” she choked out.

  He released her neck and grabbed her chin, squeezing her face where it was already bruised. “Are you going to do what I tell you?”

  “Yes,” she said, trying to catch her breath. “Just let me go.”

  He released her and went to the closet, got her clothes, and threw them at her. “Get out of those pajamas. Get dressed and pull yourself together.”

  She got her clothes and went into the bathroom. She had to hold the rail on the wall as she steadied herself. What was she going to do? He would kill her if she didn’t do what he said. He was half-crazed from meth and who knew what else.

  She would try to wave someone down as she and Zeke walked down the hallway—one of the nurses, or Karen if she saw her. She wouldn’t even have to call attention to herself. If she made sure Karen saw her leaving, then she would surely call Barbara or the police.

  She couldn’t put on these clothes. Her jeans were bloody, and her T-shirt smelled of smoke. She looked down at what Barbara had brought her to wear from Emily’s closet. Flannel pajama bottoms and a T-shirt that said Girl Power. She’d have to wear that out. Maybe someone would realize they were pajamas and it would raise a red flag.

  She regarded herself in the mirror for the first time in days — her face disfigured and bruised black, her eyes swollen, her lip split. No one would notice a new bruise forming. What more would Zeke do to her?

  She had no choice. She would have to go with him. But she wouldn’t take the baby to the people who were paying for it. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself afterward. There weren’t enough highs to numb that pain. No, she would escape somehow.

  The bathroom door crashed open and Zeke stood there. “Why aren’t you getting dressed?”

  “I can’t,” she said. “My jeans are bloody. I’ll have to wear this.”

  “All right.” He yanked her out. “Put your shoes on. Hurry up.”

  She was weak and light-headed as she bent down to pull her shoes on.

  He slapped her chin, forcing her head up. “Hurry up, before somebody comes in here.” He pulled a gun out of his pocket and cocked it. “I don’t want to use this, but I will if I have to.”

  No, not a gun. “I don’t even know if they’ll let me have the baby. She’s sick.”

  “You’re her mother. You can get her if you want.”

  “But I signed the papers.”

  “You can change your mind. I know the law. There’s a waiting period for you to renege.”

  She knew they would probably let her have the baby. The doctor had officially released Grace this morning — they were just waiting for the paperwork to be processed before Madeline and Ben could take her home. Jordan had been told more than once that she had every right to change her mind before then … or even after, until the adoption was finalized.

  She muttered a prayer for help under her breath as Zeke took her arm and hurried her out of the room, down the hallway to the nursery. Tears filled Jordan’s eyes as she tried to make eye contact with the nurses hurrying past. But no one noticed.

  She looked in the nursery window, hoping that Grace’s bassinet would be empty, that Madeline and Ben had already taken her. But there she was, across the room, her little feet kicking in the air.

  God, I don’t expect You to answer my prayers, but Grace can’t pray for herself. Please help her.

  She knocked on the door and waited.

  “Open it,” Zeke said. “Go in.”

  She turned the knob and stepped inside. There were three nurses. The one in Grace’s section looked across the room. “Hi.”

  Jordan swallowed. “I … I came to get my baby. I’m leaving.”

  The nurse frowned. “The papers are still being processed. But … I thought you were giving her up for adoption.”

  Jordan hesitated, and Zeke spoke. “She changed her mind.”

  The nurse studied Jordan. “Honey, are you sure?”

  “Yeah,” she said in a weak voice. “I need to take her now.”

  “But nothing’s ready. We have stuff we’ll send home with you. A package of formula and diapers, her picture, and some other things you might need.”

  “She doesn’t need any of that,” Zeke said. “We have everything waiting at home.”

  Jordan could tell the woman wasn’t buying it, and she hoped she would pick up the phone and call someone … anyone … who would tell her this wasn’t right.

  “But what’s the hurry? It’ll just be another hour or so.”

  “We’re just ready to get out of this place,” Zeke said. “Jordan can’t sleep nights with people coming in all during the night taking her blood pressure and stuff.”

  Jordan looked at him. He hadn’t even visited her here. How would he know what was going on at night?

  “But your injuries,” the nurse said. “Honey, look at you. You aren’t quite ready to go home yet, are you? Has the doctor released you?”

  Jordan shook her head. “No, but I feel better.”

  “Do you? You really don’t look better.”

  Zeke was losing patience. “Just get the kid, all right? It’s her baby, and you can’t keep it against her will.”

 
The woman seemed to deflate. “All right. I guess I can speed up the paperwork. I’ll have to get her prescriptions printed out, and instructions on her care, warnings about what to do in case of a seizure …”

  Zeke didn’t press the issue, so Jordan kept quiet. But she knew he was on the razor edge of losing his temper and knocking every bassinet in this room over. And that loaded gun was still stuffed into the waistband of his jeans. Jordan sensed his insane rage next to her as he waited.

  Finally, the nurse brought the paperwork. Jordan signed it quickly, knowing that any further delay could put all of these babies at risk.

  “Do you have a car seat? We’re not allowed to let you go home without one.”

  A glimmer of hope. “No, I don’t have anything.”

  “Okay,” the nurse said. “Let me call and get you one.”

  “That’s okay,” Zeke said. “She can hold her in the car.”

  The nurse dug in her heels. “I’m sorry, but we’re not legally allowed to release her without a car seat.”

  Zeke began to pace between the bassinets, his hands trembling in fury. Babies began to cry.

  “Please hurry,” Jordan told the nurse.

  The nurse was gone only a moment before coming back with a car seat on a rolling cart. A security guard followed her. “Ma’am, can I see some identification?” he asked.

  Jordan had nothing. “I don’t have any. I don’t have a driver’s license yet.”

  “Your bracelet,” Zeke said, picking up her arm and showing the guard. “Her name is on her hospital bracelet.”

  The guard checked it, then gave Zeke a long look. “Jordan, you’re fifteen?”

  “Yes,” she said.

  “Where’s your mother?”

  “In jail,” she blurted, her eyes pleading with him to stop this now.

  “She signed adoption papers last night,” the nurse said weakly. “But she still has the right to change her mind.”

  The guard said, “I’ll go check on some things while you get everything ready.”

  Maybe, Jordan thought. Maybe he would realize how wrong this was and derail Zeke’s plan. Maybe they’d arrest him and throw him in jail too.

  The nurse looked troubled as she loaded a box of diapers and some formula on the lower shelf of the cart, then gently peeled the electrodes from Grace’s skin. She removed the IV, then lifted the little ball of baby out of the bassinet and put her into the car seat.

  “You slide the seat belt through the back of the seat, like this,” she said. “You have to put her in the backseat. I’ll walk you down and make sure you do it right.”

  “No,” Jordan said. “That’s okay.”

  “It’s hospital policy,” she said. “We have to do it.”

  “She didn’t give birth here,” Zeke said. “The policies don’t apply to her.”

  “They apply to everyone. We’re even supposed to wheel Jordan out to the car.”

  “Well, break the policy,” he said. “Come on, Jordan, let’s go.” He lifted the car seat by its handle, holding it like a bucket. Jordan grabbed the diapers and bag of formula and followed him out, searching for the security guard.

  The guard came out from behind the nurses’ station and nodded to the nurse. What did that mean? That she had to let them go? Didn’t he see she was being forced?

  “Jordan?”

  She turned back and looked hopefully at the nurse.

  “What do you want me to tell the adoptive mother when she comes?”

  Jordan’s face twisted. “Tell her I couldn’t help it.”

  Then she followed her brother down the hall and out to the rat-trap that they called the family car, and prayed for an escape.

  Chapter 41

  Morning came before Barbara was ready to wake up, its glaring light torturing her through her bedroom window. Fatigue ached in her bones. She would love to turn over and go back to sleep, but there was too much she had to do before she reported to work at ten. She’d hoped to take today off to spend with Emily, Lance, and Kent, but the store’s owner was coming in today, and they needed all hands on deck. At least Emily wouldn’t be home alone. Barbara had agreed to let Lance stay home from school today, to rest from his weekend in jail and keep his sister company.

  But her heart was heavy. With Lance’s case settled, Kent had no more reason to stay. She got up and showered, trying to prepare herself to say good-bye. But she didn’t want him to go.

  When he showed up at eight and knocked lightly on the door, she let him in, trying not to cry.

  “I know you have to go to work in a couple of hours,” he said. “But I wanted to see you before I fly back.”

  She took his hands. “Do you have to leave already?”

  “I’ve booked a Delta flight for this afternoon. But I can stay longer if you want me to.”

  Yes, she wanted to cry out. Stay. I need you.

  But that was selfish. “I know you have to get back to work. I really appreciate your coming. It was nice spending time with you.”

  He took her shoulders, pulled her close, and pressed a kiss on her forehead. “That wasn’t really what I wanted you to say.”

  She met his eyes. “I want you to stay, Kent, but how can I ask you to do that after all you’ve done? I even borrowed money from you.”

  “Don’t even think about that,” he said with a grin. “I talked to the bond lady this morning. Showed her that the charges were dropped, and she gave me the money back.”

  “Oh, good. Kent, I don’t want you to feel used. That’s the last thing I’d want.”

  “I know that. And I don’t feel used. I like helping you.”

  “But having you here just makes me hurt when you go.” There they were, those tears she’d been fighting. She tried to blink them back. “You live so far away. I hate it.”

  He stroked the hair out of her eyes. “I hate it too. And there’s something I want to tell you.” He backed up and pulled out a bar stool.

  “What is it?”

  “The other day, when I met Chief Levin, he mentioned a position that’s open in his department. He suggested that I apply for it. Pretty good position. I fit it to a T.”

  Her eyebrows shot up as her jaw dropped. “And you didn’t mention it till now?”

  “Wasn’t a good time. And frankly, I didn’t know whether I should consider it. I thought it might put too much pressure on you.”

  Her heart fluttered like the wings of a butterfly, almost taking flight. She stepped closer to him. “Are you considering it?”

  He didn’t take his eyes from hers. “I don’t know. What do you think?”

  She took his hand. “I think … I’d really like to have you around more. But … picking up and moving here, starting all over … it seems like an awful lot to ask.”

  “You haven’t asked.”

  “And I wouldn’t.” The look in his eyes told her that he wished she would.

  “So … then I shouldn’t consider it.”

  “No, you should. If you want to. I mean … if it’s something you’d like.”

  She could see the frustration in his eyes. He stood up again, slid his hands into his pockets. “Barbara, there’d be only one reason I would consider this. It would be for you. It’s not like I’ve always wanted to live in Missouri. Or always wanted to work in Jefferson City.”

  Something about his admission made her cheeks burn. “I know.”

  “So I need something from you. I need … just some assurance that there’s hope for us. That you wouldn’t be against pursuing our relationship and seeing where it takes us. I know there would be pressure on you if I were here. Pressure to keep things going with me even if you didn’t want to. I wouldn’t want that. I need to want that job with or without you if I take it, enough to keep it if things don’t work out for us.”

  “And do you?”

  “Want it? I don’t know. I need to pray about it.”

  She gazed at him. She knew she would mope around for days after he left. It had been so
nice to have someone on her team, someone helping her carry the burden. Someone to lean on when she could hardly stand.

  But promises? She couldn’t promise that her life would be on steady ground a week from now. Her finances were a mess. Her children were fragile and unpredictable.

  “Let’s think about it, Kent. Let’s pray about it. When do you have to tell him?”

  “He didn’t give me a time limit. He just said to call him if I decided I was interested.”

  “Then call him,” she said. “At least find out if it’s something you’d like.”

  A smile glistened in his eyes. “And you’d be okay with that? With my being around more? With my being a part of your life?”

  Wiping tears, she laughed. “I’d be way more than okay with it. I don’t want you to go home.”

  He pulled her into his arms then and kissed her. She loved the soft movement of his lips, the tender way he touched her face. She loved getting lost in his arms and touching his hair …

  “Mom?”

  She jumped as if she’d been caught in a crime. Emily was standing in the doorway, wearing shorts and a sleep shirt. “Yeah, honey.”

  Emily just stared at her for a moment, resentment and surprise on her face. She shoved her tangled hair back. “Can you leave me the car keys so I can go see Jordan in the hospital?”

  “Sure, honey. It’s just … Kent was thinking of going home today … we were making some plans.”

  Emily padded in, her eyes groggy. “You don’t have to go just because I’m out,” she told Kent. “You can even keep driving my car.”

  “Thank you, Emily. But I don’t want to intrude on your homecoming.”

  “You’re not intruding.”

  That may have been all Emily could give him right now, but it was a lot, and Barbara appreciated it. She wanted to hug her and tell her how proud she was that she cared about her mother’s happiness.

  “Well, if I stay, I’ll rent a car. You can have your car back.”

  She shrugged. “Then can I go see Jordan? I want to apologize for my meltdown yesterday.”