by Sara Crest
A wall of three trees appeared right before us, coming almost out of nowhere from the darkness. Johnny made a hard turn right causing the bike to almost slide on its side. We avoided hitting the trunk of the tree but our front wheel hit one of its roots, flinging Johnny and I off of the bike.
Flying through the air everything felt as if I was in slow motion, from my scream to the trees passing us by to the ground below us.
Everything came rushing back to full speed when I hit the leaf covered ground hard. Rolling and sliding along the hilly forest floor until a tree stopped me. Dazed and confused I looked around and had no idea what was happening, I could feel my eyes getting heavy as my body struggled to piece together what was going on. I lay my head down on the cold, hard, wet ground as the pain from my bruises began to soak in. “Johnny!” I called out to no response. “Johnny! Where are you?” I called out to him again trailing off. I couldn’t do it anymore, my body was too tired. I passed out right then and there on shallow pile of leaves.
2
I woke up to the sun peeking just over the horizon. The smell of the wet leaves beneath me filled my nostrils as I struggled to push myself up to my hands and knees. My body felt incredibly sore and bruised but after feeling myself over it didn’t seem like I had any real injuries.
I stood up and steadied myself on the tree behind me, taking a deep breath in disbelief that I was still even alive. I brushed the wet leaves off of my jacket, picking a few out of my hair and peeling one off of my cheek. I leaned against the tree and turned to look down the hill. At the bottom laying in grass was Johnny, I sighed in relief to see that he was breathing.
I slowly walked down the hill, pacing myself from the bruises. They were mostly on my ribcage and arm but I did have one bad one on my ankle that made it more difficult to walk.
I reached Johnny and dropped down on my knees next to him. I stared at him as he slept on the cold forest floor, just the sight of him gave me mixed feelings. I loved him and to see him fine made me relieved beyond measure, but I was beginning to think that this might have been the last straw. We had officially reached a level I just wasn’t comfortable with everything that was going on.
I shook Johnny awake. He woke up but grimaced immediately in pain. He grabbed my hand with his, squeezing it tightly. I was about to ask where he was hurt but he was able to slowly sit up, with my help I had him up and on his feet in no time.
Johnny didn’t even say a word to me, he just began walking up the hill in the direction that we crashed our bike. I could see it off in the distance and it didn’t look like there was any real damage, although I didn’t know enough about bikes to actually no that.
I watched Johnny slowly walking towards the bike, struggling with each step as he adjusted to his new bruises.
“Johnny… I’m done.”
He stood in his tracks for a moment, staring ahead. After a few seconds he continued his slow march towards the bike. I immediately became annoyed from his complete lack of response.
“Johnny… I don’t think you heard me, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”
Johnny just kept on walking, completely ignoring me. I walked after him as fast as my bruised body could take me. When I caught up to him and grabbed his jacket and turned him around, looking up into his eyes.
Before I could even speak Johnny blurted out “you’re not done Ash, you can’t be done. It’s not over yet.”
I could almost feel myself fuming “Johnny I’ve followed you all the way from Florida to Canada. I’ve been beside you through all those miles, I sat on that seat for days on end knowing that there was a large possibility that you and I would never truly live the life we talked about. I stood by you because I thought that maybe you’d come to your senses and change your mind about all of this but last night made me realize that it isn’t going to happen.”
Johnny looked down on me, his face looked exhausted and I could tell that what I was saying hurt but this was the truth and the reality of our situation.
“That crash made me realize that I will always be second to what goes on in your club. I’ve been second too much in my life to go through it again, if I’m second in your life while you’re first in mine then I’m just going to end up as miserable as I was when I worked at that bar.”
“Ash, this is my dream. I have to chase it, I need it.”
“And I need you Johnny, the longer I’m with you the more I realize that you’re the greatest person to ever walk into my life. But this lifestyle… I can’t do it anymore, and I know I wouldn’t be able to handle just living alongside your club and feeling trapped. To know that I came so close to true freedom with you only to have it all taken away from me. I just… I can’t do it Johnny.”
We stood there in silence, I looked down at Johnny’s feet but I could feel his eyes burning a hole through me. The only sounds were the winds blowing past the trees and the soft whistles of birds off in the distance.
“I’m sorry… I let it all get much worse than I ever intended. Give me one last chance and I’ll prove to you that I can make all of this work, that I can make us work.”
I had already made up my mind, I already knew that nothing was going to change but I was far too tired and worn out to argue with him. I took the path of least resistance.
“Okay, one last chance” I replied lying.
He leaned down and kissed me, his lips were warm but the spark that once sent waves of emotion through my body wasn’t there. When he broke our kiss he smiled at me, the same reassuring and confident smile he always gave me. I smiled back but it was just to make him feel better but what I expressed on my face was not what I felt in my heart.
He took me by my hand and led me up the hill back to the motorcycle. He lifted it up from the ground and inspected it. “We got lucky” he said “it could have been much worse but it seems like there’s just a few dents that won’t affect anything. I wanted to get mad at him, tell him about how I was yelling at him to pull over and that his actions could have gotten us stranded in the forest and that we were lucky to even be alive. I held my tongue, I wanted to avoid as much conflict as I could and just get out of this whole situation.
He mounted the bike and started it up, after a few sputters it thankfully started. Johnny looked in the direction that we came “guess the only way back to the road is to go back past the bar.”
It was a risk but he was right, from this deep in the forest we couldn't see any signs of civilization. The fact that the cops didn't catch us while we were knocked out probably meant that they left the bar to search for where we'd exit the forest. At least that's what I hoped.
I climbed onto the back of the bike, putting my arms around Johnny who began driving back where we came from. It just didn't feel the same as before, the thrill and the excitement was gone. When I hugged him from behind to stay in place my desire to snuggle and cuddle him from behind just wasn't what it used to be.
Maybe it was the exhaustion speaking to me. I’ve been sitting on this seat for god know how long. I lay my head on his back to see if it made me feel better. “Nothing” I thought.
I felt like an idiot, like I had been played for a fool. To think that a man like Johnny would ever actually dedicate anything to me, I can’t believe I actually thought him and I would go off and experience the world together. “Or at least experience it without police, angry townspeople, and gang members chasing after us.”
The seeds of doubt were laid in my mind and they were growing quickly in the fertile soil of the worries I have had all trip.
“How many girls has he done this to before?” I thought. “Did he just do this so that he would have a little more company when he rode with his gang? I can’t believe he actually convinced me that he’d live my dream with me when he had the desires of being a leader the whole time. I think one of the worst parts was that not wanting to be with him for the primary reason that we weren’t going to be living out my dream made me feel selfish. Who was I to step in the way of his d
ream? Who as I to cloud his mind and make him give me false promises? He had a goal long before I ever came into his life and my emotions and desires just got in the way of that. But…”
The motorcycle zoomed on through the woods, trees whizzed by us but with the help of daylight Johnny maneuvered them with ease. Every passing tree was a step closer to getting back on track.
“No, I’m not selfish. I spent the past 5 years of my life in that bar, struck with the fear of change and held back by my own anxiety that I just couldn’t shake. Johnny rode into my life and with an extended hand promised me freedom, the opportunity to ride with him and adventure to the end of the earth on the back of his motorcycle. He made me think that if things didn’t work out with the Rolling Raiders that we’d quickly be on our way to starting a new life. I should have known better. When one opportunity closed another one opened wide, and in the end I encouraged him to chase this dream. But it was his dream, not mine, or even the one that he promised me. I have no place in it.”
We pulled into the clearing next to the bar we were in last night. Johnny slowed down so that the bike would make less noise. There was still a car parked outside but with no sign of life inside the bar we assumed we were safe.
Johnny pulled up next to the car and parked the bike. “What the hell are you doing?” I whispered to him, last time I checked the owner of this bar tried twice to shoot us with a shotgun. Putting distance between her and us was on top of my current to do list.
“This bike’s running on fumes, I need to take some of their gas” Johnny whispered back.
He quickly got off of his bike, reaching into one of his bags he pulled out a tube and a small pump. He pried open the gas cap of the car with his fingers and slid the tube into their gas tank, as quickly as he could he began pumping the dark black liquid from the car to the bike.
I knew Johnny would be a few minutes so I decided to hop off and have a quick look around the bar. It was covered in police tape so I hoped that was a sign that nobody was inside, still after the events of last night I wanted to be cautious. I quietly walked up the steps to the hole in the door where the bartender had tried to shoot at us.
I peeked inside, sunlight came through the few small windows the bar had and gave me just enough light to see. The bar was a mess from last night, it seemed like the frenzy from last night had knocked down some bottles onto the floor and caused them to shatter. The smell of wood soaked in alcohol blew through the hole in the door, causing me to pinch my nose. The hole in the door was big enough to fit my arm through, curiosity got the better of me and I reached through and unlocked the door from the other side.
I looked back at Johnny, too busy with the bike to notice what I was doing. “Seems like that would be the summation of our lives if I stayed with him” I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes.
I tored down the tape and balled it up, throwing it onto the ground before opening the door and stepping inside, leaving it open so that Johnny would know I had gone in when he decided to actually look up for a few seconds.
“Oh god” I blurted out when the stench of mixed alcohol filled my nostrils. Even with my nose held shut I could still somehow smell it.
I walked over behind the bar, looking at all the bottles that weren’t broken from the events of last night. “It’s gotta be here” I said to myself, fingering through the different bottles they said. “Ah hah! Here it is.” I took the bottle by its neck and inspected it, my favorite vodka was Canadian so I assumed they would have it here. I always drank it after work, in a small way it helped me deal with knowing I wasn’t going to live the life I wanted to live.
I found a shot glass and poured myself some of the clear liquor. I looked out onto the bar and reminisced about the old bar I had worked out. “Shame it burned down, I don’t even have a job to go back to… dammit.”
I took the shot, it burned but it woke me up in an instant, I took a deep breath and stared at the bullet hole in the door, contemplating. A wave of anger flooded over me “I can’t believe I let that asshole and his “brothers” waltz into that bar and take it over. Now it’s burned to the ground! I have no job, I have no options. I’m stuck out here in the god knows where part of Canada a billion and a half miles away from home and what do I have to show for it? Some broken promises and a damn bottle of vodka!”
I threw the bottle as hard as I could, its neck clipped against a table a few feet away and shattered, its contents spilling on the floor and mixing with the alcohol there from last night.
I began to cry softly into my hands “I thought I was chasing love, but all I’ve been chasing is a damn job interview for him. Who am I kidding I can’t go back to being a bartender, there isn’t anybody that’s gonna hire the girl who dated a biker gang leader and whose bar burned to the ground.” I looked up through the hole in the door and saw Johnny’s face as he just finished up with pumping the gas. “I can’t believe I thought he would be mine. He made me feel on top of the world and now… now…”
I heard Johnny walking up the steps, I panicked and dried my eyes on my sleeve to hide my tears.
“Hey Ash we’re good to-” he paused as he opened the door and saw the bar in complete disarray, giving me time to finish wiping my tears away. He leaned against the doorway and eyed the bar in its entirety. “God… everywhere I go...” he said under his breath, I almost didn’t hear him say it as I stepped on the broken glass on the floor to walk towards the door.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this… I’ve hurt too many people.” He looked at me for a moment and our eyes crossed paths, it looked like he was about to say sorry but he hesitated and closed his mouth.
I walked past him and headed outside, more than ready to get this trip over and done with so I could move on with my life.
I sat down on his bike but he was still inside, I looked and saw that the key was still in the ignition. I scooted up to the driver’s part of the seat and put my finger on the key, itching to turn it. “I could turn this thing on and ride away right now, how hard can it be to drive this thing?” My hand was shaking as I held the key, torn on whether or not I should go through with it. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and find a way to get home, but was it worth leaving Johnny behind after everything that we’ve done together. I let go of the key and let out a deep sigh “Come on Ash just one more day with this guy and then you’ll be on your way home. Then… then you can forget all about him…”
As I adjusted myself back onto the back part of the seat Johnny walked outside, throwing me a peanut butter sandwich in a plastic bag.
“They had a mini fridge in the back, that was the only food inside. You should eat it, you haven’t had anything since yesterday.”
I looked at the sandwich, feeling guilty that Johnny was probably starving himself but still chose to give me the food. Especially after I almost took the bike and left him behind. I took it out of the bag and tore the sandwich into two halves, handing one to Johnny. If he had the thoughtfulness to think of me and look for food then the least I could do was share the food he found.
He smiled and took the food I handed to him, hungrily devouring it in two bites as I nibbled on my piece. “You know there was a map inside, we’re farther north than I thought. If we really gun it then we can reach Alaska by night and sort all of this out in the morning.”
A wave of relief washed over me, knowing that all of this would be over a little sooner than expected. “Well what are we waiting for, we got someplace to be don’t we?”
He smiled at my words, it was reassuring but it didn’t fill me with the warmth that it used to. He gave me a kiss but I pulled away after only a brief moment. By the look of his face he sensed something wrong but my smile quickly dissipated his worries. He sat down on the motorcycle and started it up, I wrapped my arms around his waist. Hopefully for the last time.
3
We stood on a tall hill staring down at the Alaskan border that was illuminated by the lights around the patrol building. “This
should be much easier” Johnny said. “We already know this bike can handle off roading fairly well, look how much unguarded forest there is down there. We’ll drive to the other side without anyone even knowing.”
I struggled to keep my eyes open, after driving from dawn to near midnight I was exhausted. A few times I had drifted off to sleep on the bike only to jerk back awake when I felt myself nearly falling off. “Not like I had the best night’s sleep last night either” I thought to myself.
Johnny put his arm around my waist and brought me closer to him and despite how I felt emotionally I rested my head on his shoulder and felt a small amount of comfort. A few hours ago I was just ready for him to walk out of my life but now I knew that it would be much harder than that.
“Just one more dangerous act and we’re practically home free” he said.
“Hopefully the last one” I replied, mounting the motorcycle with Johnny quickly following my lead. He took a deep breath and exhaled, preparing himself to try and recreate what he had done the night before but without the almost deadly crash.
He turned the bike on and hit the throttle hard, speeding down the hill and towards the trees. It felt like I was on a roller coaster, my heart jumped into my throat as fear took over. We sped past the first wave of trees and I closed my eyes, gripping on tight to Johnny’s jacket. I was sure that if the trees didn’t get us then the border control would.
I held on tight in anticipation for the inevitable crash but it never came, I slowly opened my eyes to see Johnny weaving in and out of the trees like a pro. I turned around to see the lights of the border patrol office faint in the distance. We had made it.
Johnny pulled a sharp right and we drove onto the main road, we had passed completely undetected.