They drove past a lookout and for a second Caroline saw the city and, hanging above it, thick grey clouds before they were obscured by the tree line.
‘Am I weird?’ Eliot said.
‘For bringing a thermos?’ she said.
‘Maybe. I don’t know, like more in general.’
‘No,’ Caroline said. ‘I don’t think you are.’
The first time Caroline had met Eliot he’d helped her hang a painting in her living room. Tom had been at work. Eliot had made slight adjustments at the wall while she stood back from it, telling him when it looked straight. After they’d finished with the painting Eliot had looked over the living room and said, ‘Now let’s move the furniture around,’ and once they had, moving the table and chairs and couch, the room had looked larger and better.
Eliot swerved dramatically around a line of four cyclists and into the other lane, even though he didn’t have to. He always drove erratically, over the speed limit, taking corners wildly. Even so, Caroline felt safe with him behind the wheel.
‘We should stop around here,’ he said.
‘Let’s see the snow first,’ she said. ‘We can always come back.’
They pulled over into first clearing where Caroline spotted snow. They were close to the top of the mountain. The snow wasn’t very thick; rocks and the leaves of small shrubs poked through it. They got out of the car. Outside it was quiet. Eliot opened the car’s rear door, leaned inside and pulled out a thermos and two mugs.
‘I forgot the milk,’ he said.
‘Black tea is fine,’ she said.
‘And I know the lid turns into a cup, but I prefer a mug.’
Caroline was wearing tennis shoes and so was Eliot. When she stood her coat came down to below her knees. Eliot put the two mugs on the bonnet of the car and poured them each a cup of tea. Caroline picked hers up and held it between her hands. Steam curled from it.
‘I used to bike ride up here,’ Eliot said, looking around. ‘When I was younger. I don’t know why I stopped.’
Caroline nodded. They were in a clearing about the size of a swimming pool, with a path leading off at the far end of it. The snow on the ground had settled in patches, and a small stream of water was running down beside the road. Eliot put his mug back down on the bonnet and walked into the clearing. He stepped carefully.
‘I don’t want to disturb it, you know what I mean?’ he said. ‘Ninjas used to walk across sheafs of rice paper without cracking them, as a test.’
‘I didn’t know that,’ Caroline said. It sometimes worried her to remember how young Eliot was. She leaned against the car. A breeze stirred the trees and it felt cold against her face. She shivered and glanced at the sky. She remembered driving near here with Tom once and anxiously watching clouds coming over the peak of the mountain, thick and grey and carrying snow. They’d had chains in the boot if they needed them. She’d asked Tom to drive more carefully, but he’d told her that they needed to beat the snowstorm and didn’t slow down.
‘Otherwise we’ll be up here all night,’ he’d said. ‘Can you just let me drive?’
‘I just wish you’d take me more seriously,’ Caroline had said.
Eliot was at the end of the clearing picking up logs and inspecting them, or flipping them over with the toe of his shoe. Caroline walked over.
‘Most of these are too damp to burn,’ he said. ‘We shouldn’t have waited this far into winter to do this.’
‘After here we can try somewhere else,’ Caroline said.
They walked to the edge of the clearing, but the snow was no thicker. She wanted it to be white everywhere, and deep enough to come up to their knees as they trudged through it. Eliot coughed and she noticed for the first time that he was shivering.
‘You’re cold,’ she said. ‘Take my coat.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ he said and crossed his arms. ‘You lose most of your heat from your head anyway. I read about it.’
‘Do you want to go back to the car?’
‘No, but we should walk for a bit.’
They walked out of the clearing and down the path that led away from the road. Caroline followed Eliot’s lead and walked through the thin layer of snow carefully, with her arms outstretched a little for balance.
After they’d walked for about a minute Eliot said, ‘Look,’ and pointed at something with his foot. He had his hands in his pockets.
Just off the path there was a small grey lump. Eliot walked over and Caroline followed, a few steps behind. When she came close enough she saw that it was a dead pigeon, lying facedown in the snow.
‘It probably froze to death,’ Eliot said. ‘They’re not supposed to be up this high this time of year.’
‘Maybe it got lost,’ Caroline said.
‘Maybe.’
Eliot took off his hat and held it between his hands. Caroline leaned forward, with her hands on her knees, to look at the bird more closely. There was no blood in the snow or even any misplaced feathers. The pigeon’s eyes were closed and peaceful. One wing was splayed out as though it was greeting someone.
‘Poor thing,’ Caroline said.
‘I’ve heard freezing to death is like going to sleep,’ Eliot said. ‘Unless I’m thinking of drowning.’
‘Maybe they’re the same.’
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘I mean how can they tell anyway?’
Caroline wondered if they should bury it, but then thought it would be a stupid thing to suggest. She considered covering the body with something, leaves or a branch, but decided to leave it as it was. It was starting to snow lightly. A breeze moved like a wave through the leaves above them.
‘We should head back in case it really starts to snow,’ she said.
‘I think it’ll be all right,’ Eliot said.
Caroline started to head back towards the car when she stepped awkwardly on a round stone which rolled out from underneath her. She fell silently and put her hands up to guard her face. She crumpled to the ground and felt a sharp burn of pain in her left ankle.
‘I’m fine,’ she said immediately. ‘I’m okay.’
‘Are you sure?’ Eliot said. ‘Is your head all right?’
‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Help me up.’
When she pushed herself off the ground her hand caught in the sharp leaves of a shrub. Eliot helped her stand and propped her up. They were suddenly close and his body was surprisingly smaller that she’d thought. It felt like he could be folded up as easily as paper.
‘Try and walk on it,’ Eliot said.
She carefully put weight on her left foot and again felt a jolt of pain. She couldn’t help but make a noise, a strange kind of gurgle. She felt embarrassed.
‘I think it’s sprained,’ she said quickly.
‘Just stay off it for now,’ Eliot said.
She hadn’t smoked for years but right then, surrounded by falling snow, she wanted a cigarette. She wanted the smoke to cloud out from her mouth and lift into the air. Eliot smelled like damp wool mixed with basil.
They walked back to the car slowly. Caroline leaning heavily on Eliot. Now and then her foot bumped against the ground or Eliot’s leg, and when this happened she tried to stay silent, though she couldn’t help inhaling loudly.
‘Sorry,’ Eliot said, each time.
‘For what?’ she said.
He didn’t say anything else. When they got to the car she leaned against it while Eliot opened the passenger door. She sat down sideways on the seat, so her legs pointed out of the car.
‘Let me check it for a second,’ he said, leaning down and untying her shoe. He placed it on the passenger side floor and cupped her ankle with his hands.
Caroline was wearing tights and felt Eliot press down lightly on her leg, then again and again in different places
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sp; ‘Does any of this hurt?’ he said.
‘No,’ she said. ‘Maybe a little.’
His hands were soft and he moved them carefully, frowning while he worked. Outside it was snowing more; flakes were landing on the windshield, sticking for a moment, and then melting and running down the glass.
‘I think it’s just a sprain,’ he said. ‘If you want I can drive you to a doctor.’
‘I’ll be all right,’ she said.
‘We should drive down the mountain a bit though. There’ll be wood down there that you can actually burn, not all this damp stuff.’
‘I should probably stay off my foot,’ she said. ‘Let’s just go back.’
‘I’ll get the wood, I don’t mind,’ he said. ‘It won’t take that long to fill up the boot anyway.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘What difference does it make? I’m here now anyway.’
Caroline nodded. She was grateful but she also wanted to go home where, instead of a fire, she’d just cover herself with blankets. She’d wear more clothes. She pictured each empty room of her house as if she was photographing it for a real estate advertisement. Each angle trying to hide how unattractive the place was. It made her unhappy. She thought that maybe she should get a cat.
‘All right let’s go,’ she said.
Eliot was still bent down on one knee, holding her ankle. When Caroline swivelled back into the seat, he held her leg for her as she moved. Eliot reached out and, for a second, Caroline thought he was going to stroke the side of her face. He pulled a twig from her hair. It had a small leaf attached to it.
‘Thanks,’ she said.
Eliot closed her door, grabbed the mugs from the bonnet and got in behind the wheel. He leaned between the seats and put the mugs in the back. The car started on the first go and he turned it around.
When they paused before pulling back on to the road, Caroline reached over and put her hand on Eliot’s. She felt the back of his knuckles. He didn’t move his hand away immediately, which she had worried about, but instead he looked at her and smiled in a pained kind of way.
‘Maybe don’t though,’ he said.
‘Sorry,’ she said.
‘It’s not that I mind, just that I need to concentrate. I almost got hit by a car here once, on my bike. People come down here too fast sometimes.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Stop apologising,’ he said. ‘You do that way too much.’
They were quiet as they drove back down the mountain. The only sound was the windscreen wipers going back and forth.
Caroline wasn’t really paying attention to the road when Eliot let out an ‘Oh’ in surprise. They were on a straight, flat part of the road and the car felt weightless for a second and then suddenly turned sideways. Caroline reached out and clutched the dashboard with one hand and pushed the other onto the roof above her. She laughed once, one laugh, out of fear. They left the road harder and more suddenly than she expected. She looked down, into her lap. When they’d stopped Caroline looked up and saw that they were wedged into a ditch.
They were quiet for a moment. Eliot looked around himself blankly, as if he’d been woken up and didn’t know where he was. ‘Is your leg okay?’ he said finally.
‘Yeah, I think so,’ Caroline said.
‘There’s going to be damage,’ he said, trying to start the car. It took him five turns of the ignition. When he pressed on the accelerator there was the sound of the tyres spinning but the car stayed motionless. They were tilted downwards. Eliot’s door was up against the side of the mountain.
‘Let me get out and check,’ he said.
Before Caroline could ask how, Eliot wound down his window and slid himself out. She listened to the sound of him on the roof. There was silence and then the car started to rock. When she looked in the rear-view mirror Caroline saw Eliot perched on the bumper, bouncing the car up and down. He came back and opened his door.
‘I think we’re stuck,’ he said.
‘Can I help?’ she said.
‘I think I can push us out, can you drive?’
Caroline nodded, even though she didn’t think she’d be able to. Eliot came around and helped her shift over into the driver’s seat. He wasn’t so careful with her leg this time around, and Caroline had to bite on her bottom lip to keep from wailing out in pain. She hoped that Eliot didn’t notice.
‘When you see me nod, put your foot down,’ he said. ‘Don’t stop until you’re back up properly on the road. Make sure it’s in reverse otherwise you’ll flatten me.’
‘Okay,’ she said.
She started the car then waited. Eliot went around to the front. He looked ridiculous and tiny in front of the hood of the car, like a child at a school crossing. He shouted something and then bent down to lift the car. She wasn’t even sure if what he’d said was a word. She put her foot down and the engine kicked in, but the car didn’t move an inch. After about twenty seconds she stopped. Eliot was straining against the car, looking like he was about to have a heart attack. He stopped for a moment and looked down at the car.
‘Try again,’ Eliot said, after he’d composed himself.
It was snowing properly now and the flakes surrounded them. Caroline put her foot down on the accelerator and again they stayed in the same spot. She turned her head to check if the road behind them was clear, and so she wouldn’t have to watch Eliot as he exhausted himself. She felt like holding Eliot’s hand was the wrong thing to have done, that this had caused them to crash, that she was somehow responsible for everything. The car stalled and she tried to get it started again. The engine sounded like it was choking and then it made no sound at all.
Eliot came and got into the passenger seat. ‘I’m not as strong as I thought I was,’ he said.
‘Another go?’
‘Will it even start? There’s no point at the moment anyway,’ he said, closing his door and making the keys chime in the ignition. Caroline wound her window back up. Eliot was breathing heavily. He pulled his hat off. Snow was hitting the windshield, holding there now instead of just melting away instantly.
Caroline bit down on her bottom lip. She wondered what it would be like to kiss Eliot on the mouth, just once; grab him by the front of his jumper and pull him to her, holding him steady like a kite in a violent wind. She coughed.
‘So what should we do?’ she said.
‘I don’t know yet. It’s not that late. Let me think of something.’
They stayed quiet. Outside there was the sound of the wind that was whipping the snow around them. The snow wasn’t falling heavily, but it looked ceaseless. Caroline was at ease with the idea that they would be stuck on the side of the road and that snow would keep coming and bury the car completely, and that later when people came searching for them, wading through all that powder, she and Eliot would be together and healthy and fine.
Eliot pushed on the hazard lights and they clicked on and off dully.
In the month after Tom had left her Caroline had killed a mouse in her kitchen. She’d heard it moving about each night for a week and had finally decided that she couldn’t take the idea of it living with her anymore. She’d bought a mouse trap from the supermarket the next day.
When the trap had gone off she’d been in bed, and she had gotten up, walked to the kitchen and turned on the light. The mouse had been lying beside the trap in the middle of the kitchen floor. Somehow the trap had broken its neck but not actually trapped it. She’d been surprised at how small it was. She had looked at it closely and seen that it was still breathing quickly, and for the first time she’d felt completely and utterly alone. To stop the mouse running off in the night she’d put an empty wastepaper basket over it and gone back to bed.
She heard Eliot shivering and stopped thinking about the dead mouse. He was tensing his jaw to try
to stop it from chattering. He had his arms wrapped around himself.
‘You’re too cold,’ she said.
‘I’ll be okay.’
‘You won’t. You’ll end up with hypothermia.’
The snow was heavier now, and Caroline could no longer see where the road turned and continued down the hill; after about a hundred metres everything faded into a white-grey mist. Eliot coughed. She reached out and rubbed his back in a slow circle, like she sometimes did to Tom whenever he had a cold. She always felt she was good in emergencies. She always thought she’d have been a good nurse.
‘You should take my coat at least.’
‘I think we should walk.’
‘Really?’ Caroline said.
‘It’ll keep us warm and it’s not that far. I can help you walk. It’ll be a challenge.’
Caroline looked away from him. His body was shaking slightly and he sounded like he was laughing, tonelessly, under his breath.
‘You go ahead without me,’ she said. ‘I’ll be fine. Someone will come along soon.’
‘I don’t know about that,’ he said.
‘It’ll be too much of a struggle, and we’d go so slowly you’d freeze anyway.’
She could tell he was thinking it over. He always tried, maybe a little too hard, to do the right thing. She took off her coat and handed it to Eliot.
‘You should go now,’ she said.
He leaned over and kissed her chastely on the mouth. His lips were cold and for a second Caroline hoped that he would push his mouth against hers a little harder, but then he pulled away and the feeling passed.
‘I’ll bring back some help,’ he said, and opened his door.
Caroline watched Eliot stand outside the car, pull on the coat, and then hesitate. He squinted into the wind, looking up the road, towards the top of the mountain, then he hunched his shoulders and started walking in the other direction.
Inside the car there was only the metronome ticking of the hazard lights. She felt like hitting the horn to say goodbye, but then thought that he might think something was wrong and come running back. She held her breath as she watched Eliot continue along the road until he became a dark shape; then, as if he was slowly being erased, he disappeared into the falling snow and was gone.
We Are Not The Same Anymore Page 3