by Alice Ivinya
Falada was my everything. The only one who had always been there for me.
“Falada?” My voice sounded strangled. “Falada? Wake up. I’m here. I love you.”
No words echoed in my brain, only a deep sense of wrongness.
“Falada? Please speak to me? Please? Tell me what to do. Tell me how to save you.”
Nothing.
“Falada? I’ll do anything. Just wake up. Please.”
Heavy footfalls fell behind me, but I didn’t turn, keeping my face buried in Falada’s neck. They stopped abruptly and I jumped as a hand brushed my shoulder, then lingered on my back.
“I’m so sorry, Elyanna. I don’t understand how this could have happened.” Jian’s voice sounded rough and disbelieving. I twisted my face to see him, my cheek prickled by Falada’s hair, and found the Prince knelt beside me, his head bowed as if in respect. His fringe shielded his face and his hand stayed on my back.
I buried my face back in Falada, his fur becoming increasingly bristly, and his skin cold and hard. This wasn’t him anymore. He was gone. Even his smell was changing. A few tears managed to leak from my eyes, and I wished they would come in floods and release me from this horrid numbness. I sat upright and rubbed the dust-filled wetness from my face with my sleeve. I stared, motionless, as horror started to creep into my awareness from every angle. My hands started to shake.
Jian moved closer and his hand brushed across my shoulder blades until it wrapped around me. “This was a human, not a beast. A clean strike with a dagger. I will find whoever did this.”
I couldn’t reply. All I could do was stare at the wrongness of Falada’s unmoving body.
Jian cleared his throat as if struggling to know what to say. “I’m sorry this happened here on our soil. Some Borderlanders hate any trace of the Old Blood. People are scared in Stonekeep, though they might not show it. This could have been in revenge for Han, or out of fear that Falada could be turned into a Nameless, not understanding how aware he was. Traditionally we don’t let animals with Old Blood into Stonekeep.” He hesitated, frowning as he searched for words. “I know you were very fond of him. I am sorry.”
But I knew who had done this. Falada was strong and smart. He would only let somebody he trusted absolutely get close to him armed. There was no sign of a fight and I could only think of one person he trusted who would want him dead: Elyanna.
He was the only one here who knew what had truly happened. The only one who knew I had been ordered here by Elyanna and hadn’t forcibly taken her place. They had been bonded, and still she had killed him.
Elyanna was here to take her place as the future Queen, and she was out for blood. I thought of the drowned kittens bobbing in the water trough. The one she had missed hiding in the straw. The way I had whisked it away and hidden it with me inside an empty barrel. I hadn’t realized she had seen me until she was sitting on top of the barrel nailing it shut. The way the kitten had cried as I had screamed.
Now the Queen wasn’t here to hold Elyanna back. There was only me who could stop her.
I clenched my fists. She would want me dead too. But I wouldn’t let her cause Falada to be buried and shut away in the dark like she had to me.
I waited until I had caught my breath. “May I… make a strange request?” I whispered.
I felt more than saw Jian nod, his full attention on me.
“Falada was so special, and I want him remembered. In some way, I would like to feel like he is still here, with me. I don’t want him shut away in the dark. I don’t want him to be trapped.”
Jian’s voice was soft. “What do you have in mind?”
“I would like to have his head preserved and hung from the South Gate where he can look over the river and fields and mountains of Sybera’s border. Then I could go and talk to him sometimes.” And Elyanna would see his eyes watching her.
His fingers brushed my shoulder. “I’ll arrange it. I’m sure many would go to pay their respects.”
“Thank you,” I murmured, suddenly exhausted. I felt so alone. I had lost my one true friend. Tentatively, I leaned closer to the Prince, letting his arm wrap around me. I expected him to push me away or awkwardly stand up, but he didn’t. I leaned further, nestling into the firmness of his chest, his arm now circling me fully. He froze and I couldn’t even feel him breathe. I waited, my mouth dry and my limbs tense. His thumb twitched, then stroked my upper arm. I melted into him and he took a deep breath. As much as it scared me, I needed him right now. I was too scared to do this alone.
In his embrace, my numbness crumbled and pain stabbed through my stomach into my heart. Agony, shock, and horror encircled me tighter and tighter until I could barely breathe. Tears soaked his shirt and I let myself be weak, trusting he would keep away all the darkness around us.
I cried until the numbness returned to my heart and my legs cramped. Jian disentangled himself from me and stood. “Elyanna, let me take you away from here. If you’ve finished saying your goodbyes, that is. I’m sure you would like happier memories of Falada.”
I nodded and took his hand so he could help me stand. When I was steady, he let go and folded his arms behind his back in a formal posture. “Shall I take you to your rooms?”
I nodded and gave one last look to Falada as he slowly became overrun with flies. The warmth I had felt from Jian’s embrace twisted and heated to a deep hatred. I took a shaking breath and tried to cool the bubbling rage. I had nothing left for Elyanna to take from me, but I couldn’t let her hurt anyone else.
But where was she?
There was a knock on my door, and I washed my face in the bowl of water before pulling on my fur robe and opening it. I’d been crying all night, sinking deeper and deeper into an endless black hole, and knew I must look a mess. I took a step back in surprise when I saw it was Jian. I should have at least brushed my hair, but it was so hard to care. Normally when I felt this bad, I could go and hide with Falada. The one person I needed the most right now, was the one person I couldn’t have. I didn’t have the energy to try to impress Jian anymore.
The Prince was standing with his side to the door, dressed smartly as always, and looked like he might have been pacing.
He didn’t meet my eyes but held out a wooden box. “I wasn’t completely sure what was appropriate to give you, but I have this as a sign of my condolences. If it is not right, say, and I will get you something else. I’ve never been good at these things. I’ve heard in Hava it is customary to give flowers, but they’re all dead this time of the year, so...” He shrugged and finally met my eyes. They were full of guilt, and I realized he blamed himself for Falada’s death. I’d never seen him off-kilter before.
“Thank you,” I managed. He scratched his neck awkwardly as I took the box and looked like he would rather be anywhere else.
I opened it and pressure built behind my eyes as I looked at a bracelet made of Falada’s mane woven with silver wire. A small silver pendant dangled from one side. I held it up to the light and made out an intricate galloping horse.
A tear escaped down my cheek and Jian fidgeted, his hand freeing the pendant he wore around his neck from under his tunic. “I’m sorry if…”
I held up my hand. “No. It’s very kind and means more to me than you know. Thank you.” I slipped it onto my wrist and smiled through my tears. Part of Falada could always be with me.
Jian’s eyes met mine. “He runs in the wind with Tamunden now.”
I nodded and felt the silkiness of the strands of mane, so different from any other horse I’d ridden.
“And the tanners are doing as you asked and preparing his head. He will watch over the South Gate by the end of the week.”
“Thank you, Highness.” I gave a small bow before retreating into my room to cry in private.
10
Idle Conversation
Ruo threw open the curtains and I groaned. She stood over the bed with her hands on her hips.
“Do you know how long it is until your wedding day
?” she asked.
I sat up and shook my head. The days had lost any pattern since I had arrived here. My eyes were grainy from another night spent crying. When I drifted asleep, nightmares haunted every moment. Nameless, and dead soldiers, and Elyanna hammering me inside a barrel. There was nobody left who understood.
“Two weeks. And one week until the Winter Ball.”
Two weeks. That was very soon. A week ago, that would have terrified me, but since losing Falada, it was hard to feel anything. I couldn’t imagine dressing up and having a hundred eyes on me while I felt like this. And knowing one pair could be Elyanna’s.
Two days had passed since his death, and there had been no sign of her. How could she possibly hide with her height and Syberan features? It made no sense. Back in Hava I had always believed she was stronger than me. Perhaps I had been right. I felt like I was merely being pulled along by her little game. If I put one foot wrong, I would give away that I was looking for the real princess and everything would be over. Guilt at my deceit sat heavily in my stomach.
Ruo seemed to have been expecting more of a reaction from me. She sat on the bed and took my hands. “I know you’re grieving, child, but grief is part of what it means to be a Borderlander. You are to be our queen and have much to prove. You have no time for tears and shutting yourself away. Jian has just lost his brother. The King and Queen their son. But they are still there every day serving our country and keeping us safe. Grief doesn't destroy us. It keeps us focused on what is important.”
I nodded, but her words did little to stir emotion in the empty cavity of my chest.
She pulled the covers from my body. “You are going to get up, do your normal exercises, eat a proper breakfast and then dress for lunch with Queen Fei and Prince Jian. The King is away again as of this morning seeing to the security of the villagers. Half the guard are out hunting for any signs that a Spirit-Beast is still this side of the Border and warning any small groups of travelers.”
I nodded and did as she said, not having the will to fight. The familiar movements of my stretches and the flow of sword positions cleared my mind. If I stayed hidden away for much longer, Elyanna would be able to take advantage. I had nobody to help me in this. I needed to focus.
“Ruo?” I asked as she braided my hair.
“Hmm?” She coiled a group of plaits into a snake at the back of my head.
“You remember how you said I would never be able to pass as a normal townswoman in your knitting circle?”
“Yes. You look completely different than a Borderlander.”
“Well, have you seen anyone suspicious the last few days? Anyone who looks like they could be from Sybera?”
She frowned at my reflection in the mirror. “Not that I have heard. Why? What are you worried about?”
I hesitated. “There was somebody in the palace back in Hava who hated Falada. A young woman. I was wondering…” I turned to face her. “Just keep a close look out, will you? You and your friends? Especially for a girl who looks like she may have Old Blood in her veins. Tall with white hair.”
Ruo gave me a strange look. “You think a Havan noble is here and killed Falada?”
I held my face in my hands. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. Please don’t tell Jian or anyone. They’ll think I’m mad.” I rubbed my eyes and looked back at my maid. “But watch out for me? It will put my mind at ease.”
She nodded, but I could see she wasn’t at all convinced. She reached over and lowered my hands. “Now, see here. I’m going to have to redo that kohl now.” Her scolding was gentle.
I straightened and let her redo my makeup. Despite the practical nature of their clothes and speech, the Borderlander makeup tended towards bright and bold. Red lips and pale eyelids. With my fair skin and hair, such colors made me look drained, and Ruo was struggling to find tones that truly suited my skin. Still, I was pleased with the natural look she was creating and explained how in Hava we darkened our eyelids instead of dusting them silver.
Ruo finished the outfit with two large discs of bronze earrings. I smiled at my reflection, liking the way our cultures merged.
Ruo helped me stand. “Talk about the wedding. It will be a welcome distraction for the Queen, and a helpful reminder for Jian. The wedding is a sign of hope and stability for Stonekeep. Remember it is about more than just the two of you.”
I nodded and slipped the bracelet of horsehair on my wrist before leaving.
Cai Hong and Hai Rong stood either side of my door and both eyed me wearily as if certain I was about to burst into tears. To be fair, they were probably right. I was too fragile to deal with much today. Still, I felt better with them by my side. But if Elyanna attacked me and told them who she was, surely they would take her side as the real Princess? I was a nobody.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
“Princess?” asked Hai Rong.
I opened my eyes and set my jaw in determination. “Lead the way to the Queen and Prince. Ruo says we’re lunching together.”
My guards gave short bows and Hai Rong took the lead while Cai Hong fell behind. I thought about Jian and the familiar nerves prickled my stomach. It was so hard to work out what I felt about him. Two weeks. Two weeks before he was my husband. If Elyanna came after that, it would be too late. We would already be married. And being married to Jian no longer seemed like such a bad thing. He’d shown he had a heart, and I believed he was a good man despite his aloofness. Maybe we would be able to become friends.
Hai Rong led the way to the Queen’s private dining chamber. It was high in one of the towers and was a large round room with windows in every wall showing the view for miles. Over the last few days, the snow had fallen in earnest and blanketed the world in white. The dark smudges of the trunks of the pine forests, and the muddy sludge of the roads were the only features I could see until the mountains.
Queen Fei was wearing a scarlet robe that dragged along the floor behind her and was lined with brown fur. A blue sash tightened it around her slim waist, and from it hung a gently curving sword. Her black hair fell loose like a sparkling waterfall to below her waist. It was hard to remember how old she was when she still seemed so strong and elegant. A woman old enough to have three adult children, and to have lost two of them. Her head was held high as if nothing in the world could stop her. This was who I was expected to be like. How was I to replace somebody who was so perfect in her role as the Borderland Queen? I didn’t have the blood of Sal’hadar in my veins. I wasn’t even the princess they thought I was. Guilt stirred in my stomach.
Queen Fei smiled and took my hands. “Thank you for joining us. I know how hard the last few days have been for you. I thought we could all do with some healthy distraction.”
I forced a smile. “Thank you.”
The door creaked and I turned to see my guards opening the door for Jian to enter. His eyes went straight to mine, then to my wrist. He seemed to relax a little when he saw the bracelet there, and I was glad I hadn’t forgotten to wear it. I slept with it by my bed and only took it off in the day to bathe. Nobody had ever given me something so thoughtful before.
“Elyanna, how are you?” His posture was less formal than normal, though his uniform was as immaculate as ever. His eyes seemed earnest, as intense as ever. As I held his stare I felt drawn in, yet pushed back simultaneously.
The question made me waiver, and I struggled to control my emotions. “Delicate.”
The Queen placed her hand on my shoulder. “Then let us stay away from delicate conversation. Nothing serious.” She smiled at her son. “Pour some wine, Jian, if you would.”
He turned to do her bidding, and I sat next to the Queen on the couch. The way she glanced at the two of us made me suspect she was trying to encourage our friendship.
“How is your wedding dress coming along?” She asked with a bright smile.
“Slowly.” Very slowly. I wondered if Ruo had told her we hadn’t even finalized the design. Though I had ord
ered the material.
She took her wine from Jian, and he handed me mine. For some reason I couldn’t meet his eyes as I thanked him. He felt… different.
“Well, you don’t have to make it all by yourself with Ruo. There are many people who would be eager to help. We might be a practical people who value self-reliance, but we work together more often than we work apart.”
I thought about how the Borderlanders valued foresight and preparation, and I wondered if I was being subtly scolded for being underprepared. If so, she didn’t realize how woefully underprepared I was for every aspect of this wedding. Especially the part where it made me the future Queen. The dress should be the least of her worries.
I caught Jian studying me out of the corner of his eye and wondered if my expression had betrayed my thoughts.
“I wouldn’t worry, Mother. I have never seen needlework so fine as Elyanna’s. She has spent her time making me a cloak, and I am honored she put that before her own needs. I have no doubt her dress will be ready and beautiful.” He took a nonchalant sip of his wine.
I looked up at Jian in surprise. I had not been expecting him to say that. He’d never spoken up for me before.
Queen Fei seemed equally surprised and beamed. “Jian, I didn’t know this! Why haven’t you shown it to me?”
He cleared his throat. “I will wear it next week at the ball.”
I fidgeted. “I’m afraid it’s not very grand. I made it more for riding. If you wish, I can line it with silk to make it finer so it would be more worthy of a ball?”
Queen Fei gave a very unladylike snort. “He will only be wearing the same uniform he always does, dear.”
Jian shrugged. “It helps me remember my duty and who I am.” He looked at me. “Your cloak also helps me remember that.” Our gazes locked again and this time it was him who looked away first.
I licked my lips, not sure what to make of this new Jian. Queen Fei seemed taken aback by it too, though it only made her quicker to smile.