by A. D. Ellis
We entered the house through the garage.
Cam stood in the middle of the living room. “I don’t even know what to do,” he whispered raggedly.
“Feel like bed yet? Or maybe a beer?” I wasn’t sure what the best option was[PC11]. No way could I leave Cam’s side with him hurting.
“A beer sounds good. Let’s sit on the beach. It’s hard to be in the house without him.” Cam looked around, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
“Beer and beach coming right up.” I grabbed a small cooler and filled it with beer and ice. “Let’s go.”
I kept my eyes on Cam as he led the way down the stairs to his private part of the beach. We pulled chairs up to the fire pit. Cam methodically lit the fire before popping open his beer and settling into the chair.
The moon was bright and full, its silver reflection dancing on the water. The soft sounds of water lapping against the shore filled the evening air. A slight breeze ruffled the dried leaves leftover from winter, and we fell into a sad but comfortable silence.
When Cam spoke, I strained to hear his words.
“He loved it here: loved being out on the lake, loved playing with the boys on the beach. He would spend entire days down here. The three of them were happy as long as I brought them a picnic lunch. They’d come plodding up the hill as the day gave way to night, sweaty, sandy, and exhausted, but love and happiness shining on their faces. We’d throw the boys in the bathtub, and they’d be asleep before we even had their pajamas on.” Cam stopped speaking and stared out at the lake. He smiled sadly as tears streamed down his face. “On those nights, he always figured out a way to talk me into taking a shower with him. Said it would be best to conserve water, and promised I’d be helping him if I searched his body for unwanted leeches from the lake.” Cam’s laughter ended in a sob. “I never found any damn leeches, but he always made the fruitless search worth my while.”
I had nothing to offer but the squeeze of my hand against his. “Man, I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I wish I could take the pain away. I wish I could make it easier on you and the boys.” But no words could ease the heartache and pain, and I felt useless in the face of all Cam had lost.
“Thanks. It means a lot knowing I’ll have help to face the next steps. It’s just all so overwhelming right now.” Cam drained the rest of his beer before popping open another one.
“Are your parents bringing the boys to the service tomorrow?” I stared out at the water.
“No, Deacon made me promise the boys wouldn’t be at the funeral. He didn’t want them having a memory of the service. They are too young to process everything. Mom and Dad are going to honor Deacon’s wishes and take the boys out for a day of fun tomorrow.” Cam spoke with confidence, making clear his intent to follow through with Deacon’s wishes.
“Then I’ll be with you the whole time, from beginning to end.” I had made up my mind upon hearing Cam’s parents would be busy with the boys. “Are you sure you don’t want someone else to have the boys so your parents can attend the service?”
“No, Mom and Dad said their goodbyes to Deacon over time. They want to fulfill his request to keep the boys happy tomorrow.” Cameron glanced at me. “You don’t have to spend the whole day with me. I appreciate the offer, but you’ve got your own family to attend to.”
“Cut the shit, Cam. We’ve been friends long enough for you to know I won’t leave you to fend for yourself.” I swigged my beer to keep from saying anything else. He was being a stupid ass, but I knew emotions and exhaustion were the cause. “Did you take time off from work?”
“Yeah, I took the week with the agreement I could take longer if needed.” Cam rubbed the back of his neck. “I want to spend time with the boys, but I also know that downtime will be the hardest part, so I feel like I need to stay busy.”
“I’ll rearrange[PC12] my tutoring sessions. We can take the big boys to school and spend time with the little ones. Evenings can be about dinner and playtime.” I waited for Cam to object.
He jutted his jaw and started to protest, but I cocked an eyebrow at him. Rolling his eyes, Cam chuckled. “Fine. Sounds like a plan.”
“You’ll be sick of me and the boys hanging around,” I said with a smile.
“Nah, Declan and Justin love having you guys around. I’m sure it will help ease the transition of not having Deacon here.” Cam was quiet for a moment. “You sure Stephanie will be okay with you and the boys being gone so much?”
I shrugged. “Eh, doubt she’ll even notice.”
Cam turned curious eyes my way. “What’s that about? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, just the usual rough spots in a marriage. She’ll enjoy the time to herself. Plus, she understands how hard this will be for you and the boys.” In my heart, though, I knew Stephanie would enjoy the time to herself much more than she would be concerned about Cam and his boys. She was not the same woman I had met and fallen in love with so many years ago. But, my marriage difficulties would have to take a backseat for at least a short time. Cameron and his sons needed my boys and me.
Chapter 3
Cameron
I dreaded saying goodbye to Deacon. My sleep was light and fitful, so by the time I woke, I looked as battered and broken as my heart.
Arriving at the funeral home, I realized quickly that my brain and body had switched to autopilot. My eyes looked at the director, and my ears attempted to hear what he said, but I slipped under the deep, dark waves of grief[PC13].
Kade was my life preserver. Each time my friend grabbed my elbow to pull me from the deafening darkness, I could finally breathe again. Kade repeated directions, he asked questions, and he made sure I was where I was supposed to be.
I buried my husband that chilly day as spring struggled to take over for winter. A heart wrenching experience that I would not wish upon even my worst enemy. I felt so numb and blind to it all. I knew I’d never forget a single moment of the day even though the entire day blurred before my eyes. [PC14]My head and heart tangled in their desire to feel and forget, to take it all in, and block it all out. I owed it to Deacon to be present, both physically and emotionally. But, I wasn’t certain I could survive the day if I opened myself up completely.
So, I steeled my expression. I gave quick nods and words of thanks. I heard the words and the music, but I didn’t let them register at that moment. The drive to the cemetery was silent. The only comfort I had was Kade riding in the car with me. My friend knew me well enough to keep quiet. I had no desire to talk. If I let loose right then, I knew the wailing tears would never stop.
Kade’s hand on my shoulder as Deacon’s body was lowered into the ground was a searing reminder that my life still existed. My world still turned. Without Deacon, I felt empty and lost, but Kade’s support and friendship reminded me that I had a life to live. If not for me, then for my boys.
~*~*~*~
The first week without Deacon was a blur of family and friends, tears and memories, exhaustion and insomnia. Talking to Declan and Justin was one of the most heart-wrenching, humbling experiences of my entire life. The boys had known Deacon was sick. The four of us had talked a little about death, but nothing in depth enough to scare them. I needed them to understand that Deacon hadn’t purposely left us alone, but I didn’t want to make them so aware of what had happened they were overwhelmed by death at ages six and four.
I gathered them on the couch and turned off the television. Kade had taken Myles and Evan down to the lake to play and fill them in a bit on why Deacon wasn’t around.
My heart fluttered and I ground my teeth together to keep the tears at bay. “Boys, you know your Daddy Deacon loves you very much, right?”
Declan and Justin nodded solemnly.
“Is Daddy still in the hospital?” Declan watched me with big, brown eyes.
“No, Daddy was very sick,” I started.
“Is he better now?” His features were hopeful.
“No, Daddy was too sick. He died because his body was too tire
d and worn out from fighting the sickness.” I said the words and held my boys close, but I felt as if I was in an alternate universe.
“Daddy died?” Declan’s lip quivered as he looked up at me.
“Yeah, buddy, Daddy died. But he left a message for you boys that he loves you very much. He wanted more than anything to stay here with us, but Daddy’s poor body was just too sick.” The sting of tears filled my eyes and throat.
“Daddy’s home?” Justin’s blue eyes were bright.
“Dead people don’t come home, unless they are zombies, and Daddy wasn’t a zombie.” Declan stated before turning wide eyes toward me. “Daddy isn’t a zombie is he, Dad?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. Deacon and the boys had played enough pretend zombie games that it made sense Declan would wonder.
“No, bud, Daddy isn’t a zombie.” I ruffled his hair.
“Is he an angel now?” Declan asked with the innocence of childhood.
“I’d like to think Daddy is an angel. He’d make a good one, wouldn’t he?” I smiled at the thought.
“So he can watch over us and keep us safe?” Declan wiggled on the couch.
“I’m sure Daddy would love to be our angel and watch over us.” I agreed.
Justin’s eyes got droopy, so I ended the conversation and carted him off to bed for his nap. When I returned, I noted Declan had lost his own battle with the sandman and was curled up on the sofa. I stood in the silent living room, glancing around at the reminders of Deacon. Telling the boys had been easier and harder than I’d expected. I wasn’t sure they understood, and I knew harder times would come when they were missing Deacon. But, for the time being, I had to accept that they knew enough, and we’d deal with issues as they came up.
The backdoor creaked open and I saw Kade’s head with its messy blond hair peek around the corner. His eyebrows rose in silent question, so I answered with a sad smile and nod of my head.
Kade strode through the door with a sleeping Evan on his shoulder and an exhausted Myles trailing behind. While Kade deposited the sleeping child in the spare room, I helped Myles wash his hands and face before leading him to the couch for a nap with his best buddy.
Kade motioned me toward the backdoor. “Go out on the deck. I’ll bring some food.”
Knowing I had nothing better to do at the moment, I followed his directions. The air was cool, but a feel of spring teased at the edges.
He emerged from the house with sodas, sandwiches, chips, and pie.
“Aw, honey, you shouldn’t have.” I tried to joke, but the words came out sounding flat and wrong.
Kade smiled wryly, his dark blue eyes shone brightly. “No worries. You’ve got enough food in there to feed an army for a week.”
I chewed the sandwich methodically, not really tasting any of it. “I need to portion it all out. Eat what can’t be saved first, and then freeze the things that will keep longer.” I was floored by the generosity of friends and family who’d brought food to the house. It was much more than we could eat all at once, and the thought of finding space for it in my freezer was overwhelming. But, I knew I’d be even more grateful for it when the boys and I were in need of dinner, and I was too wrung out to cook. Having food to pop in the oven or microwave would be a lifesaver.
“Let’s do that today. We can get all the supplies we need to portion it and package it. We’ll get things labeled and divided up. Organize it all in the fridge and the freezer in order of what you should eat first and what can store longer.” Kade, finished with his sandwich and chips, tore into his pie with earnest.
“Yeah, that sounds good.” I agreed dully, knowing it needed to be done, but unable to find any enthusiasm for much of anything.
We sat quietly on the deck for several moments.
“What’s on your mind?” Kade asked.
I shrugged, not really sure where to start.
Kade nodded and finished his pie.
“I think I’m just scared. Scared of cleaning out his clothes and shoes and all of his stuff. I don’t want it gone, but having it here is so hard. I’m scared of sleeping alone. Scared of the nightmares that will come when I finally do sleep. Scared of being a single dad. Just scared of being alone.” My words broke on a sob, and tears flowed steadily when Kade reached over and grabbed my arm.
“You’re not alone. You’ve got friends and family to support you. I know it’s not the same as having Deacon here, but you’re not in this by yourself.” Kade’s words were strong and sure. I felt them to my heart, and I knew he meant every single bit of what he said.
“Thanks. That means a lot. I guess I’m worried about what happens when everyone else has to go back to their day-to-day lives, and I’m left here trying to be everything those boys need.”
“Let’s start small. No need to borrow trouble from tomorrow.” Kade’s reassurances were comforting.
Over the next few days, he and I worked from morning until night cleaning the house. A true cleaning, from top to bottom. There wasn’t a nook or cranny we didn’t sweep, dust, or wipe down. We didn’t just clean out Deacon’s clothes, we did mine and the boys’ as well. The large donation we took to the homeless shelter was accepted with an appreciation that helped soothe my devastated heart.
The boys enjoyed their time playing together. They also loved the time they got to spend with Kade’s parents and my parents.
“Thank you for taking all four of them,” I told Kade’s mom, Ruth.
“No need for thanks. Those boys basically entertain themselves. They are a joy to have around.” Ruth patted my arm. Her husband John agreed. “It’s almost easier to have the four of them than just the two.”
I knew my parents had said the same thing about having Declan and Justin with Myles and Evan. It felt good knowing my boys were in capable hands with both set of parents, and it felt even better knowing they were having a good time with their friends. I knew having my parents and Kade’s parents to help was a true blessing.
Taking off only a week of work was a bad idea, so I extended my time to two weeks. Kade went back to work the second week. With Declan and Myles in school, Evan back at daycare, and Kade working, it was just Justin [PC15]and me during the day. We took walks, played outside, and had picnics. I enjoyed spending time with my youngest, but I hated the reason why we had so much time together.
Kade and the boys came over in the evenings, and we’d do something fun. Video games, bowling, and movies were favorites. The pain was still sharp and fresh, but it was easier to hide from it during the fun, busy times. But, when Kade and his sons left and my children were asleep in their beds, the heartache and fear overwhelmed me. The loneliness suffocated me, and the hopelessness fought to bring me down. If not for my boys, I probably would have given in to the despair. But, those boys were mine and Deacon’s life, and I wouldn’t leave them without their Dad when they’d already lost their Daddy.
One evening during the second week after the funeral, I was struck by the fact that I’d not seen Stephanie much at all[PC16].
“How’s Steph doing?” I asked Kade while we stood comfortably in the kitchen.
“She’s fine. Same as usual.” Kade answered with a shrug.
“I’m sure she’s getting tired of her family being gone every evening.” I felt guilty taking Kade and the boys away from their family time.
“Nah, she’s been busy with work and friends a lot lately,” Kade said.
I was quiet for a moment. I knew what I was about to say was best for both Kade and for me. He needed to be at home with his wife and children. I needed to start learning to live on my own.
“I think it’s about time the boys and I start spending our evenings doing normal stuff before they begin to think every night has a big event planned,” I said.
Kade glanced at me, the meaning of my words registering on his face. “Man, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to smother you guys. I just wanted to help keep you all busy and having fun.”
“Don’t apologize. You’ve
been a lifesaver. I’m dreading not having you guys around every evening, but I think it’s time for the boys and I to start making our new normal. I don’t even know if that makes sense.” The words and the plan sounded like the right thing to do, but the thought of long evenings without Kade and the boys to help pass the hours seemed very wrong[PC17].
“The boys will miss coming over.” Kade[PC18]’s gaze dropped and he rubbed the back of his neck.
“You guys can still come over, but let’s save the big events for weekends. And, maybe we’ll just do a once-a-week playdate during the week.” I took a deep breath. Yeah, I could do this.
“You got it.” Kade clapped me on the back. “And if you need anything, anything at all, you know I’ll be here in a heartbeat.”
The six of us said goodbye that evening, and I mentally and emotionally prepared myself for being a truly single dad for the first time.
Chapter 4
Kade
Getting back into the swing of things without evenings spent at Cameron’s was difficult. The boys missed seeing their friends. I missed having my buddy around. I worried about how he was doing. But, the hardest part was being home with Stephanie.
She had once been the woman of my dreams. But, lately, she’d changed, and I was disturbed by her behavior.
“Are you going out again?” I stirred the spaghetti sauce for dinner.
“Yeah, it’s a work thing. I’ll be late. Don’t wait up.” Steph grabbed her purse and kissed the boys on their heads.
“Mommy, can we play tomorrow?” Myles asked.
“Don’t know, baby. Mommy has a lot of stuff to do with work.” She answered absently while her eyes didn’t even leave her phone’s screen.
“Can you take a day so we can all spend some time together?” I struggled to hide my anger at her dismissal of Myles.
“My job has requirements.” Stephanie bit out. “You knew this when we got married and had kids. I travel. I have to be at events. I can’t tell them I need to stay home and play housewife and mom.”