My heart sank, even though I wasn’t shocked. “But you wanted to be a firefighter.”
He paused for a moment, looking down at a rock on the track. He kicked it toward the grass before looking at me again. “You remember that?”
Of course I remembered. How could he think I wouldn’t? But so much time had passed—I was starting to forget things, things like what kind of chocolate he’d given me when I was sick with mono. “It was so important to you,” I said.
He nodded slowly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah … I still think about it sometimes. But things took a different turn.”
“They sure did,” I said, struggling to keep sarcasm out of my voice. I wasn’t sure I’d succeeded. “Well … I guess your father is happy you’re in law school.”
He ran a hand through his hair. It stood up straight just like it used to. “My father died a while back, Ari. He never followed the doctor’s advice … he still ate whatever he wanted and he worked himself into the ground, even after he had surgery. Aunt Rachel’s taken it really hard, but she’ll be okay eventually. Time heals all wounds, as they say.”
He was right. And I didn’t feel the same as I had when Leigh told me that Mr. Ellis wasn’t doing well. I didn’t feel hatred anymore. I wanted to say something to make Blake feel better, but I couldn’t think of what that would be.
“I’m sorry” was all that came to mind.
Blake shrugged as if he wasn’t sad, but I knew better. He was still a bad actor. Then he moved closer, touching my hand as it hung at my side. “Me too,” he said.
I knew he wasn’t talking about Mr. Ellis. I knew this was the day Mom had told me about, the day when everything that had happened didn’t matter anymore. I looked into Blake’s eyes, remembering my lost marble and thinking that even though it was gone forever, there could be another match out there. There might be another guy who would kiss my forehead, a guy who was just as sweet but was strong enough to choose me over everybody else.
I nodded. He squeezed my fingers in his, stepped back, and changed the subject.
“Del sold his club and moved to California. He opened another place in Los Angeles. You know Del and I never got along … but he’s doing well and I’m happy for him.”
“That’s great,” I said, and I could tell that Blake had no idea what had happened in the loft on Valentine’s Day. Del kept it a secret, like I’d asked—he wasn’t such a pig after all. “But you’re alone in New York now, aren’t you?” I asked, thinking that his closest relatives were either dead or in California.
“I’m going to school in LA,” he said, yanking his shirt again. UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA was printed across the fabric in red letters. I hadn’t even noticed.
“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Do you like California? I mean—is law school okay?”
He sighed. “It’s what I expected. So is California. But Aunt Rachel wanted me nearby.… I think I should be around my family for now. And my father always planned for me to become a lawyer.”
I glanced at my sandals and back at him. “Your father is gone, Blake.”
He stared at me for a second. “So you don’t think I should do what he wanted?”
“I think you should do what you want. He isn’t here.”
There was a wounded look on Blake’s face. He shook it off quickly and spoke in a determined voice. “I know he isn’t—and that makes following his plans even more important. His partners are running Ellis and Hummel. I’ve kept an apartment here in the city, and I come back every month or so to check in at the office. I’ll start working there permanently after I graduate. Eventually I’ll be in charge of everything.”
I remembered New Year’s Day at the penthouse when he’d broken up with me. I remembered him standing by the elevator as I left, looking brave and dutiful, like a soldier. He looked the same way now, and I realized he hadn’t changed much. It made me sad for him.
“Ari,” he said. “Are you seeing anybody?”
“No,” I answered, shaking my head. “Are you?”
He shrugged. “Since we broke up, there hasn’t been anybody important.”
I felt a little smug. I thought he should have realized sooner that important people don’t show up very often, and you should hold on to them when they do. Maybe I was smarter than he was all along, because that was something I’d always known.
From the way Blake was looking at me, I got the feeling he’d finally figured it out. Maybe that was one thing about him that had changed. But it had taken him too long.
I remembered the things we used to talk about, the things we’d planned, everything that had taken me so long to leave behind. But now I wanted other things, new things, like the career that people at work kept telling me I was sure to have. I’d probably want the house and the kids and the husband one day, but not yet. There were so many things I wanted to do between now and then. I also knew that Park Slope wasn’t the only place to plant a flower garden. There were even better places out there somewhere.
Blake stared at me and I sensed what he was getting at—there wasn’t anybody important, he was going to be in New York permanently after law school. As I stood there looking at him, Summer popped into my mind. I heard her saying I don’t think much about guys from the past. I’m glad I knew them, but there’s a reason they didn’t make it into my future. Back then I had thought she was probably right. Now I was sure.
I took a deep, quivering breath. “Well,” I said. “I hope you find somebody important. I hope you get everything you want, Blake.”
He looked like I’d let him down. I didn’t want to hurt him, and it wasn’t easy to say what I said, but I knew it was right.
Blake sighed, gave me a faint smile, and wrapped his hand around my elbow. “Thanks,” he said, holding me tightly. He still smelled like aftershave and toothpaste. “I hope you do too.”
“Thank you,” I said, and my voice cracked. “Goodbye.”
He let me go. “Good luck, Ari.”
He started running down the track and I turned away. I walked across the grass toward my family, feeling the warm August air against my face and the sunshine on my hair. I really meant it when I told Blake that I hoped he’d get everything he wanted. I hoped I would too.
That night, I cleaned my room while Mom typed in the kitchen. I sorted through wrinkled test papers from Hollister, and threw junk into garbage bags and everything else into boxes for Goodwill. I cleared off my dresser and got rid of dusty magazines and dried-up nail-polish bottles, and then the only thing left was my teddy bear. I picked it up and stroked its face and the smooth brown beads that were its vacant eyes.
“Ariadne,” Mom said.
She startled me. I hid the bear behind my back and she didn’t see it because she was too excited. She said she had just finished her novel.
“Oh, Mom,” I said. “Congratulations.”
“It still needs work. But it’s done,” she said, taking a seat on my bed.
“Your next goal,” I said, “will be to quit smoking.”
She gave me a half-annoyed, half-amused look. “Maybe,” she said, so I didn’t push it. At least she didn’t say no. Maybe was progress. Then she looked down at the embroidered roses on my bedspread and rubbed one with her fingertip. “Ariadne,” she said again, her eyes on the rose. “When you used to see that doctor …”
“Dr. Pavelka, you mean? I still see her, Mom … just not as much. Every third Friday.”
“Right,” Mom said. “When you see Dr. Pavelka … when you talk to her … does she ever say that … that when you went through that bad time … that it was because of me? Because of something I did? I mean … I always meant well.” She glanced up. “You know that, don’t you?”
Mom’s face was tired. Her eyes were swollen from late nights bent over the Smith Corona. She couldn’t know that Dr. Pavelka and I had spent countless hours talking about her, and about Dad, and about Evelyn and everything else, and that I had always known Mom meant well. I didn’t
blame anyone for that bad time—not even Blake.
“I know, Mom.”
That made her happy. She stopped touching the rose and looked around the room. “Well,” she said, standing up. “It seems like you’re moving things along in here. I’ll leave you alone to finish … I really need to get some sleep.”
When she was gone, I went to the basement, found an empty box, and sealed the teddy bear and the NYU sweatshirt inside with heavy-duty tape. I started thinking about Leigh’s ID bracelet and I imagined that one day, maybe years and years from now, I might open the box and say the same thing to my daughter that Leigh might say to hers: This was from a boy I used to know. He was very special to me, but that was so long ago.
And later on, when my room was clean and all the important things had been packed away, I carried two trash bags to the curb and saw Saint Anne on my way back inside. Her shawl glistened from the glow of the streetlight; her dress was a bright shade of blue. She didn’t look lonely, and I could have sworn she was smiling.
Lorraine Zago Rosenthal was born and raised in New York City. She earned a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in education from the University of South Florida. She also earned a master’s degree in English, with a concentration in American and British literature, from Northern Kentucky University. In addition to writing fiction, Lorraine enjoys reading, watching movies, and spending time with her husband. Other Words for Love is her first novel.
Obsah
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Acknowledgments
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-one
Chapter Twenty-two
Chapter Twenty-three
Chapter Twenty-four
Chapter Twenty-five
About the Author
Other Words for Love Page 28