The anxiety that I felt didn’t disperse that night or the next day, for that matter.
He didn’t come to school on Tuesday, and as far as I knew, nobody had spoken to him. I couldn’t tell you what I’d learned in any of my classes for those two days. It was like I’d become a zombie; my only thoughts consumed by one thing, James.
By Wednesday morning, I was convinced I wouldn’t see James at school. His goodbye had been final, I concluded. When I walked into English class to find him sitting at the table beside Dale, my body stiffened. His laughter stopped when he turned and looked straight at me. The room fell quiet. I could feel everyone’s eyes on us. I looked straight at him, wondering if his return meant something, and also feeling some sense of relief that he was okay, but he looked at me like I was nothing… like I was no-one. He turned away from my gaze and continued talking to Dale. The class snickered at James’s coldness towards me. My shoulders dropped and I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. As quickly as I entered the room, I wanted nothing more than to leave it, but just as I turned to walk away, Miss Stone walked into the room and ushered the class to all take their seats and be quiet.
I held my textbooks tightly into my chest and bowed my head as I sat down at my table feeling sick and dizzy.
I kept my eyes down, not bringing myself to look at anyone, including Miss Stone. I’d felt like maybe, just maybe, I could have survived the lesson, but when I heard the murmur or Maddison’s voice followed with laughter, I felt my eyes burn with tears. I placed my hand on the side of my head, massaging my temple, and breathed deeply.
I watched the clock above the whiteboard tick slowly and with every second that went by, I felt myself losing control. I couldn’t be there anymore. I needed to get out. I needed to escape.
I pushed my chair back, the sound of the chair scraping the floor and drawing everyone’s attention, but I didn’t care. I grabbed my books and ran out of the classroom, letting the door slam behind me. I moved as quickly as I could towards the school oval. I’d never moved so fast in my life. Tears burned my eyes as a cruel reminder to the hurt I felt, but I wouldn’t cry. I refused to.
I’d finally made it to the bench seat in the forest, a place that was meant to be my place of solace. A place to unwind and forget about everything, but as I looked at the bench seat, I recalled the first time James and I met and it made me angry. I couldn’t escape him, no matter where I went.
The fact that James changed the way I looked at the world, made me question the reality of everything, wasn’t why I was upset, or the fact he’d just humiliated me in front of the whole class. It was the way he’d just looked right through me… as if I was worthless.
I could sense him behind me before he even said anything.
“Lila,” he said softly.
I turned to face him. “Don’t,” I said putting my hand up to stop him talking “just don’t.”
“I am truly sorry.”
“Sorry?” I winced. “You’re sorry?” I shook my head, and my chin trembled.
“It was never my intention…” he replied composed.
“What was your intention then? I’ve got enough drama going on in my life at school, and you’ve gone and just made it worse.”
“I-”
I cut him off, “Was it your intention to come into my life and destroy everything I’d ever come to know as real? I’m meant just to accept that those dreams I had,” I shook my head, “or whatever they were that they didn’t happen?” My voice drew quiet. “Be honest with me, James. Please. What is going on? Who are you really?”
I took long deep breaths as I waited for his reply. I desperately wanted answers. I needed to make meaning of everything that had happened, and James was the only one that could do it.
He stepped forward slowly, placing his hand on my cheek. I didn’t flinch at his touch. Instead, I closed my eyes and embraced it.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Lila, but there are reasons why I can’t be near you. If they saw…” He cut himself off. “I wish I could tell you all I know, but I can’t. Trust me when I say, it’s better that you don’t know,” he said delicately.
I opened my eyes and looked at him. I wanted to walk away and go back to my normal life and never think of him again, but I couldn’t. When he looked at me… when he touched me… it did something to me that I couldn’t explain. I felt so exposed, so vulnerable to him and instead of frightening me, it calmed me.
He stroked my cheek with his thumb and took a deep breath, he leaned in towards me and spoke softly, “You are beautiful, Lila.” His lips touched mine and my whole body radiated, but it wasn’t to last, as he drew his lips from mine. “In another life, maybe.” Then he was gone.
6… TRUTH
Two weeks ago, my life was normal. The world made some sort of sense to me. I had a vision of what life was all about and my part I had to play in it. I knew who I was, and who I wanted to be. I’d never in a million years thought I’d feel completely disarrayed, and yet, so composed and ensured at the same time. With all the confusion that James had brought into my life, he’d also brought feelings I’d never felt before; a longing I couldn’t explain. With that one touch… that one kiss had rendered me speechless and without knowing, had changed my life forever.
I stayed at home on Thursday and Friday. I didn’t want to face anyone from school, especially James. I wasn’t hiding from Maddison, I just didn’t want the conflict, as I was over it.
I thought distance would help clear my head and help ease some of the hurt I felt, but it didn’t. I wanted to see him. I wanted him to tell me that what was happening to me, what I was feeling, was normal.
I wanted to confide in Hayley. I felt so alone, but I knew she wouldn’t understand. Nobody would. She’d heard about what happened in class and had come home straight away to be with me. I’d reassured her it was just all the drama at school getting to me. I could tell she knew there was something more to it, but didn’t push the matter.
Jackie had insisted on coming around to see me, but I’d managed to keep her away, I didn’t think I could handle lying face to face to anyone else that I cared about.
I was vague in my explanation to her as to why I was upset. I didn’t correct her when she came to the conclusion that I was upset because of Maddison. Although Maddison pushed my buttons, I wasn’t going to get upset over her. In a few weeks, school would be over and I wouldn’t have to see her again, and thank God for that.
Hayley and I were watching a movie late on Friday night when she’d gotten a call from a distraught Poppy. Tom, “the love of her life,” had just dumped her.
“I’ve got to go see her, the poor thing. Tom is such an arsehole!” Hayley said as she jumped up from the couch, running to her room to get changed.
“Hayley!” I yelled, stopping her. “It’s ten o’clock. Can’t you see her tomorrow?”
Hayley looked at me dumbfounded. “If it were me, she’d be here, no question about it. I have to go to her, Lila. She needs me.”
The fact that Tom and Poppy had only been together for one week, and Tom had always been a player seemed to elude Hayley. If it meant that much to Hayley, I couldn’t stop her.
“Fine,” I said, giving in, “I’ll get my keys.”
As I walked into the kitchen to grab my car keys that I’d left on the kitchen bench, the hairs on my arms stood, and I got the sudden feeling that I was being watched. I quickly turned to the bi-folding doors, my heart racing. I looked outside towards the pool area. The wind rattled the windows and the leaves on the trees whipped back and forth. A storm was coming as I felt the thunder rumble around me. The darkness outside frightened me. I tried to reassure myself it was just the storm, but I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling I felt, the feeling of being watched.
I double-checked that I had locked the doors and left with Hayley for Poppy’s house, wishing so badly Hayley would stay. There was no way I was going to get any sleep with the fear that someone was outside of our hous
e.
It took over half an hour to get to her house, as she lived out of town. Navigating the windy roads was hard enough during the day, at night with the storm brewing, it was even harder. By the time I dropped Hayley off and started to make my way home, the rain had caught up with me. It was heavy and thick and made my vision even poorer, much to my dislike. My wipers were on full speed as I tried to centre my attention on the road ahead. Every now and then, I would pass another car going in the opposite direction, but they seemed to be scarce, and only a crazy person like me would be driving in this weather.
I focused on the road ahead, my headlights hitting the road and barely making any impact, when out of nowhere, a dark shadow in the shape of a man stood in the centre of the road.
My senses reacted as I slammed my foot against the brake, turning the steering wheel tightly to my left. I felt the seat belt slam against my chest. My breath gasped for air. My body was thrown forward and I instantly clenched my eyes shut, as shears of glass spilled across my face, and I felt my body turn once… twice… three times. Each time, I heard the crushing sound of the metal of the car bearing down on me.
I hung upside down, as the car came to a standstill. I briefly touched my throbbing head, the metallic taste of blood filling my mouth. I looked out the shattered side mirror, as my eyes were trying hard to focus. I could see the dark shadow coming closer towards me, fear imbedded deep within me. I fumbled the seatbelt holding me in. I needed to get out, and fast. My vision became clearer as I struggled to unbuckle the seatbelt, the pressure of my weight against it proving to be too much. I glanced back at the shadow with urgency pounding through my body.
I heard the click of the seatbelt and my body fell with a thud, my ribs cracking from the pressure. I cried out in agony as I tried to fight through the pain and crawl out of the car. I pressed my elbow hard against the roof of my car, using it as an anchor to pull my body forward.
I needed to be strong. I needed to move, but every inch of my body burned in agony at even the slightest movement. I felt the life being crushed out of me, and there was nothing I could do but stare at the shadow before me in fear, and try my hardest to get away.
The shadow made a deathly screech that pierced my ears, and with a crack of thunder, I watched as a tall figure fall to the ground in front of me with a thud, and the tar road cracking with impact. With one leg kneeling, he stood slowly, his wings spread across his back creating a barrier between the shadow and I.
“James,” I croaked in recognition of James’ wings.
In an instant, he was kneeling down in front of me. He pulled me from the car and into his arms with little effort, and my pain disappeared instantly. I looked up towards him, fighting against my eyes, as they grew heavy. I felt the air move around me as we left the ground; the breeze hitting my cheeks as his wings moved with ease and grace. He looked at me briefly before lifting his head towards the sky and I felt my eyes plunge into darkness.
***
My eyes were heavy as I attempted for the third time to open them. I groaned as my body refused my endeavours.
“Be still, Lila. Rest,” I heard James say.
The sound of James’s voice made the urgency to wake up even more prominent, but as I felt the pressure of his hand rest down on my forehead, the darkness consumed me once again.
***
When I woke again sometime later, I had a feeling of complete relaxation, as if I’d just had the best night’s sleep a lifetime could offer.
Before I even opened my eyes, I could sense I was in the comfort of my own bed. I took my time as I looked around, but it only took a couple of seconds before I was reminded of the car accident. When I looked down at myself, seeing I was in my white denim shorts and navy shirt. Bloodstains covered my outfit, and visions of what had happened flashed through my mind like a movie in fast forward.
My body instantly searched for the pain… but there wasn’t any. I felt fine. In fact, I felt great.
I knew I had been injured, there was no doubt in my mind about that, so how was I okay right now?
“Are you in any pain?”
I looked up at the sound of James’s voice. He was standing just outside on the balcony looking in towards me.
I shook my head. “No… nothing,” I said quietly, shaking my head in disbelief.
“Good,” he replied satisfied. Taking only a couple of steps inside, he stood near me.
I sat up from the bed and put my feet on the ground. I hung my head and took a deep breath.
Looking up at James, I asked, “How am I okay. Why am I not in pain?”
“I healed you,” he said simply.
“You healed me?”
He nodded.
I shook my head, “What?”
“It has been a long twenty hours…”
“Twenty hours?”
I looked behind him to see the sun setting in the sky.
“The day is Saturday. You’ve been asleep all day.”
“All day…” I said softly.
My heart raced. “Hayley…”
“Is fine,” James interrupted. “She messaged your phone to let you know she is staying with Poppy for another night.”
“Does she know about the car accident? Oh, my God, what about my car? What will my parents say? We need to go get a tow truck. People are probably looking for me.” I was so flustered that when I stood to walk away, I was momentarily stunned as James stood in my path and grabbed my hand in his, calming me instantly.
“It’s okay, Lila. It’s all been sorted out. Nobody knows you were in an accident. Your car has been taken away and there is a replacement car in your driveway as we speak. It’s a mirror image of your old one. Nobody will ever know the difference.”
“How?”
“I will explain everything to you, Lila, but first, you need to shower and change.”
I hung my head in embarrassment. I must have looked terrible.
“Don’t do that,” he said, lifting my chin with his hand. “That’s not why I want you to shower. I tried my best to clean the blood from you while you healed…” He paused. “I need to have a clear mind when I tell you the truth and seeing you still with blood in your hair and on your clothes, is a physical reminder of what happened to you.”
I nodded, understanding his concern. “Okay.”
He let go of my hand and I reluctantly made my way to the bathroom, grabbing a fresh change of clothes on the way.
As I underdressed myself, I expected to see some sort of mark, bruise, wound, or something that would show what had happened, but apart from my messy bed hair, there was nothing. I stood in front of the mirror staring at my hands as they roamed my body. My skin appeared exactly as it was before.
I put my head under the shower and closed my eyes, hoping the water would calm the unease that I felt, but as soon as my eyes closed, visions of the accident flashed into my mind.
I pressed my hands against the glass, steading my body. I breathed heavy as I tried to focus on where I was.
You’re safe. You’re home. I kept telling myself.
I had battled with myself for so long now, convinced James wasn’t an angel, and that everything that had happened between him and I was just some kind of dream. Now, I knew nothing was ever as it seemed. James had come to me at the accident. He wouldn’t be able to deny that, that’s for sure.
When I finished showering, was changed, and ready, I held my hand out to turn the bathroom door handle. I hesitated, but only for a moment. I briefly thought that this was the moment everything for me changed. I would find out the truth and my life would change, but I already had, and it didn’t matter if I spent the rest of my life convincing myself that it was all in my head, there would always be a doubt. There would always be that voice in my head telling me there was more going on than what I was being led to believe.
So I placed my hand on the handle and turned it anyway. There was no going back now.
When I opened the door, James was standing b
y my desk with a piece of paper in his hand, studying it with intrigue. “It seems you already know what I am.”
I looked down at what he was holding. It was the picture I drew of him after the first time we met. It was the only proof I needed. I’d known from that moment we first met that he wasn’t just something I’d conjured up in my mind. He was real.
“So you are…you are an angel?” I barely believed the words that were coming from my mouth.
He put the picture down and looked at me smiling. “You have an artist’s gift.”
“Thank you,” I replied softly.
James walked over towards the balcony, and climbed on top of the balustrade. He stood tall and held his hand out towards me. “Do you trust me?”
I followed him out onto the balcony. I trusted him for reasons I didn’t understand at that point. There was so much that I didn’t know about James. Yet, I felt safe around him, so I lifted my hand and grabbed a hold of his. He pulled me into his arms, and in one quick movement, we were falling to the grassy ground below. I didn’t have time to think about the fact that we’d just jumped off the balcony and was sure to hurt ourselves when we hit the ground, because in an instant, we had landed softly on the grass. He held my hand as he led me towards the jetty in silence, the warmth of his hand had a way of calming me, even under the bizarre circumstances, I was now facing.
We walked until we were at the very end of the jetty and sat down so our feet skimmed the warm water of the lake.
“You asked for the truth, and I will tell you, but you have to understand, Lila, knowing the truth is not something you are meant to know.”
I took a deep breath as he sighed and continued, “You will be the end of me, Lila. I want nothing more than to see you safe and happy, but what you’re asking me can put you at risk.”
“I have to know, James. I can’t live my life any longer knowing what you are, but not knowing the whole truth.”
He looked at me with pain in his eyes. He was torn with telling me the truth, I could see that, but I needed to know, and he needed to be truthful with me.
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