As if summoned by her thoughts alone, Sammy appeared in her doorway. Seeing that she was awake, he jumped into her bed and bounced up and down with excitement.
“We’re going to find our home today. We’re going to find our home today,” he said in a singsong fashion. “Get up. Get out of bed, lazy head. We have to find the perfect house for us.”
Nicolette laughed. “There’s no guarantee we’ll find our new home today, but at least we’ll get some ideas. First we need some breakfast and we need to get dressed. We can’t meet our new home in our pajamas.”
Sammy giggled and then squealed as Nicolette tickled him. “Stop!” he said with a laugh.
She finally stopped, loving the sound of laughter, the knowledge that she no longer had to be afraid. Samuel was still in the hospital under arrest and with a guard at the door. Once he was well enough he’d face enough charges that she’d never have to look over her shoulder for him again.
“Let’s go make breakfast so we can get dressed and go,” Sammy exclaimed.
As he raced from the room, Nicolette got out of bed and pulled a robe around her nightgown. She didn’t bother brushing her hair as she’d done before each morning when Lucas had been in the house.
She met Cassie in the hallway, also clad in her pajamas and a robe and still looking half-asleep. “I miss having a man in the house to get up early and make the coffee,” she grumbled as the two of them headed down the stairs.
“Where’s Adam this morning? He is usually here fairly early with the coffee on.”
“He and Flint left last night to go into Oklahoma City for an early morning meeting with the meat-packaging company.” Cassie flung herself into a chair at the kitchen table.
“And you shouldn’t have gone?” Nicolette asked as she set about making a pot of coffee.
“I probably should have, but I didn’t want to. I told Adam to take care of things. Besides, with the shed coming down tomorrow, I imagine in less than a month I’ll be out of here and back home.”
“We’re going to find our new home today,” Sammy said as he came into the kitchen. He sat down next to Cassie. “I wish you’d just stay here, too. It would be nice if we could all be together in the same town.”
Cassie reached over and gave Sammy’s dark hair a tousle. “That would be nice, but I’m just not a country girl. Though this has been a nice break, I’m ready to get back to the city.”
“And I’m ready for some bacon and eggs,” Sammy replied. “We have to fuel up for our house hunt, right?”
“Right,” Nicolette replied. Once the coffee was dripping into the carafe, she pulled out a skillet and got to work frying bacon.
As she made breakfast, Sammy filled Cassie’s ears with everything he was looking for in a house. “It has to have a front porch because Mom likes to sit on the porch in the evenings,” he said. “And a big yard, big enough to have a horse for me and maybe a dog.” He slid a glance at Nicolette. “We’ll have to see about the dog,” he added when Nicolette didn’t bite.
“And how many bedrooms will this mansion of yours have?” Cassie asked.
“Three. One for me, one for visitors and one for Mom and Lucas.”
Nicolette gasped and turned from the stove. “Honey, Lucas isn’t going to live with us.”
“I think he would if you’d ask him. He loves us, Mom, and he doesn’t have any family of his own. We could be his family and I think he’d be real happy.”
“It’s much more complicated than that, Sammy.” Nicolette turned back to the stove to remove the scrambled eggs from the skillet.
“I don’t know why it’s gotta be complicated. He loves us and we love him and that’s that,” Sammy exclaimed.
If only things were so easy in real life, Nicolette thought later as she got dressed for the day’s excursion. But real life was rarely easy and there was no way to effectively explain to a six-year-old the ins and outs of adult relationships.
May had gone and June had ushered in the past couple of days of rain. But with the sun shining brightly, Nicolette chose a pair of jeans and her boots and topped it with a sleeveless red cotton blouse that would be comfortable if the afternoon got unusually warm.
She’d checked the real estate section of the morning paper and had several addresses to look at. She hadn’t contacted a real estate agent yet. She preferred this be an adventure for herself and Sammy. There would be time enough for a real estate professional when they found something they were really interested in.
It was just after nine when she and Sammy stepped out of the back door and headed toward the garage where Cass’s car was stored.
They were halfway there when she saw Lucas approaching from the bunkhouse. She couldn’t help the way her heart swelled at the sight of him clad in a pair of worn, tight jeans and a black T-shirt that showed that his bulky bandage was gone and only a band of gauze showed beneath the short sleeve of his shirt.
“Lucas!” Sammy shouted and ran ahead to meet him. Nicolette made it to the garage and paused outside the door as the two males caught up with her.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Better each day,” he replied. “I heard through the grapevine that you were going house hunting today.”
“Always nice to know that the grapevine is alive and well,” she replied lightly.
“I think you should go with us,” Sammy said. “I think you should help us find a house where the three of us could live and be happy together.”
It was as if Sammy had become a wind-up toy and somebody had turned the key too tightly. “You could be our family, Lucas, and we could be yours. I know you love us and we love you.”
Sammy grabbed Lucas’s hand and Nicolette knew she should stop her son, but at the moment he appeared to be a seething little bundle of raw emotion.
“I know you love us, Lucas. Don’t you want to be my dad? Don’t you want to marry my mom and be happy for the rest of your life?”
Lucas’s features tautened and he gazed at Nicolette, as if seeking some kind of help, but he was on his own as far as she was concerned.
He’d told her he loved her while in the hospital. She knew that he loved her son. She could see the depth of love for them shining from his eyes. Happiness was within his reach, but he had to be the one to stretch out his hand and take it.
“Lucas?” Sammy dropped Lucas’s hand and took a step back from him. His little face held such hope, such certainty that his dream of a new home and a full family would come true.
“Sammy, I do love you and I love your mom, but I never told you that we would all move in together and be a family. I always thought you and your mom would be going back to New York City.”
“But now we’re not. We’re staying here, Lucas, so we could be a family.” Sammy’s heart was in his trembling voice and Nicolette could stand it no longer.
“Come on, Sammy. We’re going to find the best house ever for you and me to live,” she said. “Go on and get in the car.”
Sammy headed for the garage and Nicolette turned to gaze at Lucas.
“I think you do love us, Lucas, and I believe we could have had a wonderful future together, but I think you’re afraid to trust in that love.” She took a step back from him, her heart breaking all over again as she saw the dark torment in his eyes.
“Afraid?” Sammy appeared at her side once again. “Cowboys aren’t afraid. Real cowboys face their fears and Lucas is a real cowboy, right?”
“Not this time, buddy,” Lucas said, his words strangled as they left him. He half turned to leave, but paused as Sammy cried out his name.
“You lied to me.” Sammy pulled his hat from his head and threw it on the ground. “If you’re a real cowboy, then I don’t want to be one anymore.” He stepped in the center of his hat and then ran back to the garage.
The sound of the slam of the car door made Lucas visibly jump. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“Don’t be sorry for us. We’re going to be just fine. You’re the o
ne who is choosing a life alone.” She turned and hurried into the garage and got into the car, where Sammy was slumped against the passenger seat, tears seeping from his eyes.
“Sammy, I know you’re hurt right now. But we’re going to be just fine.” She started the car engine and cursed herself for allowing her son to get so close to Lucas.
She should have halted their relationship the moment it had begun, but she’d been caught up in her own emotions where Lucas was concerned.
She pulled out of the garage, grateful that there was no sign of Lucas in the area. It took plenty of talking during the drive to town before Sammy straightened up and appeared to put his sadness about Lucas behind him.
To be as resilient as a child, she thought as she tightened her fingers around the steering wheel. Oh, she knew Sammy’s heartbreak over Lucas wasn’t over, but her son had the tremendous ability to compartmentalize and right now he appeared to embrace the excitement of finding a home.
“Why don’t we start just by driving up and down streets and seeing if we find for-sale signs on houses,” Nicolette suggested. “You can write down the addresses for me and then we can make arrangements to look at any that interest us.”
She pulled a small notepad from her purse, along with a pen, and handed them to Sammy. “I’d like to find a place where I could keep a horse,” he said. A frown tugged his lips downward. “Even if I’m not going to be a real cowboy anymore, I could still have a horse, right?”
“We’ll see what we find in town and then we’ll work our way out a little bit to find a place with more land. Maybe a dog would be easier to keep than a horse,” she suggested.
“If I’m not going to have a dad, then a dog might be good,” Sammy replied.
“And you’re going to meet so many new friends and be busy doing fun new things.” She slowed the car as they reached the city limits. “We’re going to have a wonderful life here, Sammy.”
“I know. I just think it would have been so much better if Cowboy Lucas could be with us.”
Sammy’s wistful words squeezed her heart tight. Still, she knew there was no way she could make Lucas love more than he feared. She couldn’t love him enough to help him overcome whatever barriers stood in his way of opening himself up completely to love.
All she could do was find her own little piece of heaven here in Bitterroot and build a happy life for herself and her son.
Chapter 19
It was the longest day of Lucas’s life. No matter what work he tried to lose himself in, his head was filled with Sammy’s utter heartbreak and Nicolette’s sad eyes.
He tried not to think about how it would be, to let himself go, to get past the fear that he hadn’t even realized had been a constant companion to him since the day his mother had abandoned him.
What if he allowed himself to fully embrace Sammy and Nicolette in his heart, in his life, and they wound up finding him inadequate, not worthy to keep, and walked away from him?
Alone. He was meant to go through life alone, depending only on himself as he had done since he was fifteen. Nicolette and Sammy had been a tantalizing glimpse into a fantasy he didn’t believe could come true.
It was just after dinner and still the house hunters hadn’t arrived home. Lucas found himself at Cass’s gravesite in the small cemetery, picking weeds that had sprung up around the granite stone with the recent rain.
“Chasing ghosts?”
Lucas looked up to see Nick standing nearby. “Chasing weeds,” he replied. He straightened and Nick gestured for him to join him on a concrete bench that Cass had placed in the cemetery when her husband had died.
Lucas sat next to Nick and gazed toward the house. “Unfortunately, I was just around the corner of the garage when Nicolette and Sammy left this morning,” Nick said. “The little buckaroo had a bit of a meltdown.”
“Yeah, he’d gotten it into his head that I was going to marry Nicolette and be his daddy and we’d find a new place to live happily ever after as a family.”
“And you aren’t in love with Nicolette?” Nick asked.
Lucas wanted to say no. He wanted to distance himself from the emotions the beautiful brunette stirred inside him, but he couldn’t lie. “I’m in love with her and I love Sammy, too.”
“So, what’s the problem?” Nick eyed him from beneath the brim of his cowboy hat.
Lucas released a tortured sigh. “After all these years together, you should know that we’re all bad bets for relationships. None of us have ever had a meaningful relationship since we’ve been here. That should tell you something.”
“Yeah, it tells me you’re one lucky guy to find somebody you love, somebody who loves you back. None of us has been so lucky, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t something we all want,” Nick replied. “You’ve got a chance to be more than just one of Cass’s cowboys. You have a chance to be a husband and a father.”
Nick stood. “You know I love you as a brother, Lucas. I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I also don’t want to see you just walk away from true happiness. Cass is gone and who knows what’s going to happen around here. Nicolette isn’t your mother, Lucas.”
“I know that,” Lucas replied, also rising from the bench. Rationally he knew that everything Nick said was right, but it was done...over.
Sammy would get over it and eventually so would Nicolette. She was a strong woman who would build her life on her terms, with or without him in it.
And he couldn’t help but think this was what was best for her. Eventually she’d find a good man who would fulfill her dreams for herself and Sammy. He’d just reached the bunkhouse when he heard the car pull in and head toward the garage. He didn’t look back but instead opened his unit door and disappeared inside.
* * *
It was long after dark, after Sammy had gone to bed and Cassie had retired to her room, that Nicolette sat on the back porch and thought about the day.
It had taken a little while to get both herself and her son into a festive mood after the encounter with Lucas, but eventually they had managed to put the sadness behind them and get on with the day.
They had started on the south side of town and found two houses with for-sale signs in the yard before lunch. The first they’d both agreed was too small and the second didn’t have a porch that Sammy insisted they needed.
They’d stopped for lunch at the café, where Daisy had told them about a couple more houses for sale north of Main Street. The waitress had seemed genuinely pleased that the two of them intended to make Bitterroot their permanent home.
She’d talked to Sammy about some of the local boys his age and the after-school programs that would be available for him to enjoy.
For the first time since arriving in town, Nicolette felt a sense of community that she knew would only grow as she and Sammy immersed themselves in their new lives.
They’d happily taken off after lunch to check out the new places Daisy had told them about and found one that held enough potential that she intended to check with the real estate office the next day to set up an appointment to see the inside.
“Did you find what you were looking for today?”
The deep voice came out of the darkness of the night to her left and not only sent a shaft of pain sweeping through her but also a touch of anger. If he didn’t want them, if he didn’t want to be a part of their life, then he needed to just leave them alone.
She drew in a deep breath and released it slowly as he stepped into view, Sammy’s cowboy hat in his hand. “I looked for that when we got home, but I thought the wind must have blown it away,” she said.
“I know he was mad at me, but I also knew he’d probably eventually want it back.” He held it out to her. She took it and set it on the porch next to her.
“Thank you,” she replied and wished he would just go away.
“So, you never answered me. Did you find any places today that caught your interest?” he asked, and as if to further her irritation, he moved Sammy’s hat and
sat down next to her.
“What difference does it make to you, Lucas? You’ve made it clear that you ride alone, that you have no desire to build a life with me and my son, so why do you care whether we found something interesting today or not?”
His features were visible by the light that spilled out of the kitchen windows, and she wished the lights were off and the moon wasn’t quite so bright.
“I was just trying to break the ice before I got to the real reason I wanted to talk to you. I realized something this evening while I was cleaning off Sammy’s hat.” He didn’t look at her but rather stared out toward the lunar-lit pasture.
“And what did you realize?” she asked, trying to control the sudden quick acceleration of her heartbeat.
“I love that kid like he’s my own, and breaking his heart today shattered pieces of my own I didn’t even know I possessed.”
“He’ll get over it,” she replied.
“But I don’t know if I will. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over loving you and being foolish enough to let you go.” He turned to face her, his eyes glittering in the light. “I’ve had my eye on a place just outside of town for the last couple of months. It’s not as big a spread as this one, but it is enough land that I could make a living raising cattle and horses. It’s got a nice three-bedroom house on it and the house even has a front and back porch.”
“So, why haven’t you bought it?” What was he doing? Torturing her on purpose? Talking about his potential future plans for his own happiness?
“I think I knew the moment I saw the place that it was meant for a family, not for a man who rides alone. And then I realized this evening that I haven’t ridden alone for the last month and I’ve never been as happy as I’ve been this past month.”
Once again Nicolette’s heart began to dance an unsteady rhythm. He reached out and took one of her hands in his. She wanted to pull away, but couldn’t as crazy, wild hope soared through her.
“I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. I can continue to be the poor, scared kid who was abandoned by my mother, or I can be the man I was meant to be, the man who Cass believed me to be, and reach out for love. I need you, Nicolette. I need you and Sammy. I thought I could let you go, but I can’t. I don’t want to ride alone anymore. I want you and Sammy in my life forever.”
A Real Cowboy Page 22