by Ron Foster
“Damn and we got to sleep in the same house as him?” Loomis said trying to hold his gut and sitting down on the old gray sofa which Crick soon joined him on quietly laughing at how strange the world he had found himself in actually was.
“Now then, Bertha who was beside herself with fear of the unknown the way that only a backwoods black girl of her age can be, commenced to slant her eyes and try not to look over her shoulder at that giant lobster claw waving around sticking out of that box and bumped into the screen door jam as she run to get the utensil I had requested to deal with this critter. Beulah, that was the house maid and cook as well as Bertha’s Auntie, was in there in the kitchen cooking bacon for the salads and boiling a pot of kale and collards when Bertha ran in with her eyes squinted with both hands and grabbed the spatula out of her hands hollering it was an emergency and she needed it. Having one eye unslanted and not having an extra hand to fix it she remembered my story about that Greek soldier using a shield as a looking glass so she grabbed the pot lid off them boiling greens and carried back the whole shooting match to me to fight the lobster with. Now watching all this and the confusion of the Auntie was funnier than hell and I didn’t think twice about taking my lobster armaments from her as she turned back to the door slanting her eyes but there was a problem. Both them damn things she handed me were hotter than hell so I hollered and dropped them both on the floor and Bertha thought the lobster had gotten me and commenced to wailing like a banshee getting spanked. All this madness and confusion soon had the Auntie heading our way and because she didn’t have a clue what was going on or was after us she figured she better grab a rolling pin and come see about it. By that time the lobster had managed to get both his claws and head out of that damned crate and I guess seeing Beulah with that rolling pin and me and Bertha screaming bloody murder decided it was time to make good on its escape and did one of those tail flip things crawdads are known to do and launched itself between us all on the porch. Well, Beulah, who had not seen this sea creature in all its glory yet, gave out a yell thinking it was going to eat her children, Bertha turned around doing the slanty-eyed thing, I was busy sucking on my burned fingers while getting out of the road and that mad black woman, Beulah, commenced to lay waste to that poor lobster with that rolling pin. Now I guess you would say big bottoms run in that family because a Big Beulah butt chasing that lobster commenced to clear that back porch of me and Bertha trying to get out of the way when old Lady Mc Cloud come out to see what the hell was going on as the field hands and the rest of The Mc Cloud clan came to see what kind of ruckus was going on. When the dust, water, seaweed, ice and bits of shell cleared and the pitch forks and guns were put up, you had one very sorry young man standing there that everyone seemed to be looking at and that was me. Thankfully, folks saw the humor in it and had mercy on me for my burned hands or I think they would have taken turns smoking my britches.
Loomis and Crick eyed Clem with derision and sparkling eyes, enjoying the old man’s tales and faraway memories that brought laughter to them all.
“So you never got around to telling us how not to wear them lobster bibs! Crick said, making Loomis look like he was going to count Clem’s ribs.
“Oh yeah, yal’ll made me forget that for a minute! Look here, there’s three different napkins you going to have laid out for you: there’s the white one’s that’s under your silverware that you probably know what to do with, that’s for wiping your face and to lay on your lap; there’s a stack of colored ones that you’re supposed to pick from to match the color of the suit you got on and stuff down your collar, that’s why we wear loose collars if’n you don’t want to wear no bib! If everyone wore tight collars like ya’ll had them fixed before, you’d have to wear one of them lobster bibs with the little lobster printed on the front of it like the rich folks wearing tuxedos had on the day she saw ‘em.
“Of course, you told her dragons aren’t real.” Loomis said grinning.
“Well, I kinda did tell her lobsters weren’t dragon babies!” Clem said with a laugh.
“You should seen her oh well I guess when we were eight or nine, about sprinkling salt on a bird’s tail to keep them from flying!” Clem said.
“You just ain’t right, Clem” Crick said. “How long has it been you been bedeviling that old woman?”
“Aw hell, it’s been nigh on fifty or sixty years I guess, it’s just too much damn fun!” Clem said, unapologetically.
Loomis and Crick followed Clem down the red dusty clay road to Bertha’s house, shaking their heads, not quite sure what was going to be happening once they had arrived but they hoped Clem didn’t have anything cooking up in his mind to get them with.
Bertha and Rossi stood out on the front porch as prim as the ladies at the big house watching their approach. Loomis and Crick reviewed exactly what it was they were supposed to be doing at this time to greet these special ladies as the fragrance of a home cooked meal and something that smelled like lavender or honeysuckle greeted their noses.
“We’re here, Bertha!” Clem called out. “Them boys dress up nice don’t they, Bertha!” Clem stated as the two well-dressed men came up.
“Oh they look fine, fine! Never seen any two better dressed boys coming to Sunday dinner! Ain’t they a handsome sight, Rossi?” Bertha said as a blue checkered gingham dressed Rossi peeped out the front door, ready to meet the guests and flicked her Spanish lace collar flirtatiously at them.
“Adieu! Adieu!” Loomis said, doffing his hat in a gentlemanly bow, nudging Crick to do the same.
“Boy, you look nice, Loomis! You and Crick sure decorated up well!” Bertha said, with a whisper to Rossi did she see the pretty blue bow on Loomis’ hat underwear?
“Ya’ll come on in! We got you all a fine supper fixed up!” Rossi said, flouncing her gingham dress fishing for more compliments.
“Well I declare, aren’t you two the most charming ladies I ever seen!” Crick said, remembering everything Clem had said about entering the home of this one Bertha Bartholomew.
“Shitfire, I told you they’d pretty up nice!” Clem declared. “Smells awful good around here! But you won’t believe the great news I got for you! Now you been telling me, Bertha, for a hundred years that all my ideas ain’t worth nothing! Crick here has been telling me I’m going to be the Master of Disaster! I’m telling you, and you are not going to believe it! He wants them paddle wheels off that old swamp logger I used to run down here. We are going to save the day, Bertha! Why he is going to attach them paddles to his own tractor and ride that damn thing of mine all the way over there and rescue them folks! Me and you get to go along and watch too! Rossi can also, if she behaves her damn self. Now listen up, that is I mean, if we don’t have to first go see how those old animals got fixed up pretty for the day!”
“Well you can tell me your story on the way to the corral. The animals been waiting to show off their finery and you know how impatient that mule gets.” Bertha said as she led the way to te barn.
The Mule, the goat and the cow were lined up together at the corral rail like they were patiently ready to stand inspection for a military parade.
Everyone ooohed and awed appropriately over the animals and told them how fine they looked and they seemed to eat up all the attention and compliments until Bertha gave them their Sunday dinner treat of oats and molasses.
Clem chattered all the way back to the house and all through dinner and into the night telling Bertha about the big plans to try and fix up the old share cropper shacks and get a crop in the field. Bertha couldn’t really wrap her head around the fact that the power was out all over the United States and probably wouldn’t be back on for several years, if ever. She agreed that some of the preppers could stay and work the land on shares but worried about how they were going to feed that many extra folks until harvest time came around. Clem explained that Crick and Loomis had some ideas about that and that if they could find a boat somewhere, Crick had a friend that might be bringing them some commercial fishing
nets if he could get in touch with him.
“Well if he can’t, Clem, we could build some split oak catfish traps, come to think of it I think we still got a few stored up in the top of the barn. Oh, it will be so nice to have folks working the old place again. Clem you best look around up in the attic at the big house and see if there is any serviceable clothes left and bring them down for me and Rossi-girl to wash and mend.” Bertha said.
“Sure Bertha, Loomis can help me with that. He is sticking around for a few days until Crick gets back. He might be back sooner if he can get Slim to give him a ride home.” Clem said speaking of his neighbor about 5 miles away.
“I been by his place twice last couple weeks and didn’t see hide nor hair of him. House is locked up, driveway don’t have no tire tracks in it after that rain we had a week ago.” Rossi said referring to her wide ranging hunting and wanderings through the fields and woods around the area.
”Sounds like he has gone off somewhere, Crick. Might take you a lot longer than you expected to get home.” Bertha said worrying about him.
“How long you reckon it will take you to pedal all the way home?” Clem asked Crick.
“Oh, I should be able to make it in a day if I don’t run into any trouble. No one hardly lives on the road to the house so I am not expecting any trouble.’ Crick advised.
“Well, come by early for breakfast and I will fix you a sack lunch to take with you.” Bertha advised as she bid everyone good night.
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10
CRICK`S RIDE
Crick peddled the old chopped bicycle down the two lane county road leading to the main highway and cussed its wobbly front wheel for the millionth time today. It was hot as hell riding out on this asphalt and it was impossible to go more than a moderate speed before the rickety thing tried to rattle his fillings out. Going downhill was really interesting and a bitch because this part of the country was filled with hills. If you didn’t have enough speed at the bottom of a hill you might as well walk and push the bike up the next hill. If you were not real careful with the front hand caliper brake, you could lose control very easily and end up in a ditch. Problem was, it didn’t have no coaster brake for the back wheel and that caliper front wheel brake was all he had. Crick already found out how persnickety a front brake on a chopper is and was probably only good for performing backward wheelies.
Crick hadn’t seen a single car or person his entire way home and he was glad he lived a bit remotely. He hoped his home was in the same condition he had left it in and mulled over what he was going to do if it wasn’t. His guns were locked up in a safe so he wasn’t sweating that. His preps were pretty well secured but if someone had broken in and found them, then 10 to 1 they were still there chowing down on his food. That scenario was scarier than he cared to dwell on and instead he focused on what Loomis and Clem were going to be doing today.
They were going to going to get the paddle wheels off the old tractor and that was no small feat because they looked like they weighed a ton. Once they got that done Bertha had said they could use the mule to plow up some of the sharecropper house garden plots if they took it real slow. “Mind you, Loomis, neither that mule, that plow or them worn leather traces with the rusty buckles been worked in a while and any one of them things are liable to give out when they aren’t supposed to.” Bertha said.
Bertha had really taken a liking to Loomis and thought it was hilarious that he was going to try his hand at handling the mule and the old offset plow.
Clem told him that mule was mighty cantankerous but Loomis had assured him he had handled mules before as well as plows and could do the job if the mule could do his.
Bertha explained to Loomis that the mule might be old but it was strong and could do the job. Whether or not Loomis could get Toby the mule to do it or not remained to be seen.
Crick had a full tank of gas in the tractor and he could get all he wanted once he got back to all the stranded vehicles at Prepper Stock. He chuckled to himself thinking about arriving on a paddle wheeled tractor towing a barge and how surprised everyone would be.
He was going to find out what was going on with the authorities when he got home if the phones were working. If they were not, he had a lot of thinking to do about whether or not he was going to ride his tractor in to town to seek any out.
Crick figured doing that would be futile and time consuming but it had to be considered. He had debated that with himself and Loomis and it basically had all boiled down to what kind of news and insights he could get once he arrived at his destination. If the phones worked, he could check in with some friends and try to get the lay of the land before contacting the fire department or somebody to advise them of the people stranded on the island.
The prospect of possibly being able to actually get back to Bertha`s and Clem`s place on the Mc Cloud plantation tomorrow, attach the paddle wheels and do a test run over to the island without the barge was just too much for him. First thing in the morning whether he got in touch with any rescuers or not he was heading back to Prepperstock.
The barge had to be checked out but Clem said it was still attached at the ferry crossing landing and wouldn’t be anything to get it loose and hook it to the tractor for towing or pushing.
Crick hadn’t thought about just pushing the barge which was described as basically a platform on pontoons. It was strong enough to transport 1 car across the river, had a railing around it and was occasionally rented out as a party boat tow for them spring breakers and tourists.
Clem had said if they could figure out how to attach the front wheel or forks of the tractor to the barge like an outboard motor, they would basically have themselves a pretty good paddleboat. The boat would steer just like the tractor did with the wheel but in their case it would cause the back paddle wheels to pivot in the direction they wanted to go. Basically, what you were doing is turning the whole body of the tractor to swing the two paddle wheels and keeping the singular tire in the front stable someway if you were attached to the barge deck.
Crick would look at what Clem had in mind later. His tractor had to stay mobile and unencumbered right now, it was his only transport and there were plenty of fields that needed tending. Once he got Morgan and his wife back over here they would have the use of another car and tractor and having that extra transport was a game changer.
The curve of the road marking the property line of Crick`s Farmstead came up and Crick stopped pedaling and just rested and listened for a moment on the side of the road. It was all quiet and his nose couldn’t tell if it was fresh wood smoke he was smelling or the forests burning miles from here that had filled his senses all day with acrid smells.
He peddled down to his driveway and viewed his house from a distance. Everything looked all right from this perspective but caution was still called for. Crick laid the bike down at the edge of the woods and cautiously made his way to the house. A slow walk around it eying windows for damage or forced entry and finding the back door still secured put a big smile on his face as he realized nobody had messed with his stuff.
He opened his door and a deep sense of relief came over him as he went in and viewed his familiar surroundings. He then rushed over to the wall and removed the handset of the kitchen phone from it’s cradle and listened. Yes! He had dial tone, Crick thought excitedly and then spied the half bottle of whiskey sitting on the counter next to the sink.
“Oh yea, that’s for me!” Crick said to himself while hanging the phone back up and heading to the cupboard to get a glass. He then opened his refrigerator to get a Coke and was taken aback by the smell.
“Whew! That is bad funky! I must of not cleaned that thing out as much as I thought I had of perishable food before I left for Prepper Stock. Damn, I aint worrying about that rotten garbage now.” Crick thought and just grabbed a partial liter of coke to fix himself a drink. Ice Machine! Got to remember to hook up my ice machine here in a bit.” He mused while pouring flat coke into a glass containing a shot of whiskey.
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“Ah Ambrosia!” Crick declared after taking a long swig out of it. Horses! How are the horses? He hadn’t seen them on his way in. Probably hanging out in the shade over by the barn.” Crick mused and went to look out his bedroom window.
“There they are.” He rejoiced to himself after spotting the pair. He was supposed to carry Loomis one back but figured it would be best to just bring him back to the house to get it. No sense trying to lead a horse with a tractor all the way back to Clem`s. I wonder if Loomis is actually going to try that wagon train thing he keeps talking about? Oh yea, speaking of which he had phone calls to make. Who was he going to call first?” Crick pondered before the name David instantly came to mind.
Crick went back over to the phone, his mind whirling with ten thousand things that needed to be done or said today and dialed David`s number.
The phone was ringing, “Hello?” Julie`s voice came crackling over the receiver.
11
A WAITING AND A WISHING
“Damn Clem, these bolt nuts are rusted on here pretty good.” Loomis fussed as he added a length of pipe to the wrench he was using to get some better leverage.
“I told you we should of let that penetrating oil work on them some before trying to take them off. Hell, they been drove in a swamp and parked here about 15 years.” Clem groused.
“Yea I know, I just wanted to get this chore out of the way. I wonder how Crick is making out?” Loomis said getting some satisfaction as the nut he was working on began to loosen.
“Oh he be fine. I hope Slim got back from where ever he went to, could be he went and gave Crick a ride home but I told him that if there was enough gas in Slim`s truck to come back over here first and jump my truck off.” Clem said looking out the barn door hoping he would see a cloud of red dust coming down the driveway.