by S. J. West
With the time difference, I know that it has to be close to midnight here. The red-orange moon is high in the sky, giving off what little light it can through the haze of ash that still floats in the atmosphere from the great earthquake generated by the opening of the first seal. Large, gaping fissures can be seen scattered around the desert floor because of that earth-shattering event.
“Have you ever been here on your Earth?” I ask Rafe as I look out across the dunes.
“Yes,” he tells me. “Whenever there’s a formal meeting of our Watchers, they always meet here.”
“Then you know this is where we were first sent as a group to Earth,” I say, looking at him.
“Yes,” Rafe says, nodding his head. “I know that.”
I look back out across the desert, remembering that moment like it happened yesterday.
“We were all so full of hope that we would be able to make a difference here,” I tell Rafe. “I felt proud that God asked me to be among the first angels to live among the humans. I was the only War Angel he asked to become a Watcher. Back then, I believed I owed it to the others of my kind to do a good job. Without a war in Heaven to fight, we all felt an emptiness that needed to be filled. I hoped that, if I succeeded in my mission here, God would allow more War Angels to come down and find meaning in their lives again. But I failed them…”
I phase Rafe to an empty field in Germany. It’s still nighttime here, but the moon isn’t as high in the sky as it was in the desert.
“I chose this place to start my journey,” I tell Rafe, looking out across the grassy plain that was the location of my first earthly home. “A small village was here back then. They were constantly being attacked by a rival village chief. I helped the villagers here design better defenses, and quickly became friends with the man who was their chief.”
“Is he the man you fell in love with?” Rafe asks. “Was he the cause of your fall?”
“I did love him,” I say, “but he wasn’t the cause of my fall. I’m the only one who was responsible for that. However, I did blame him for it in the beginning. It took me a long time to realize it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t make me break God’s one rule to us. That burden lay squarely on my shoulders, not his.”
“What was his name?”
“Engel,” I say, picturing the handsome face of my first lover. “You know, that’s the first time I’ve said his name out loud since I left this village. I hated him for a long time.”
“What made you stop hating him?”
“Realizing that he wasn’t to blame for what happened to me. I regret so many things in my life, but leaving him the way I did is my deepest regret.”
“How did you leave him?”
“Moaning in pain,” I confess, faintly hearing the sound of Engel’s groans in the rustle of the tall grass surrounding us. “I beat him so badly I thought he would end up dying from the injuries.”
“How do you know he didn’t?”
“Because I came back here a year later to see if he had.”
“Why?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I just had to know.”
“Did you say anything to him?”
“No. He didn’t see me. I made sure to stay hidden in the shadows. He was married to a woman in the village by then, and I didn’t see any point in disrupting his life any more than I already had.”
“Where did you go after that?”
“I wandered from place to place mostly,” I say, reliving that restless time in my life as hundreds of images flash through my mind all at once. “I didn’t feel like I had any real purpose here anymore. I fought in wars that I didn’t really believe in. They were simply justifiable ways for me to find a release for my anger.”
“Yet, even with all your anger, you never gave in to your bloodlust.”
“It wasn’t because I didn’t want to drink human blood,” I confess, feeling a wave of such a craving overcome me for a split second before I willed it to abate. “I desperately wanted to. I still do from time to time, but, I knew if I did, it would just be another betrayal in God’s eyes. I didn’t want to disappoint my father by failing another one of His trials.”
“How many people have you killed in your life?”
“I don’t know,” I admit uncomfortably. “Thousands, I suppose. I never attempted to keep count. I don’t think I could have, even if I wanted to. Most of the time, especially in a large battle, I let the beast inside me come out and play. I could wipe out a battalion of men in just a few minutes. Their lives didn’t mean anything to me back then.”
“How did you justify killing so many people?” Rafe questions, not in an accusing way. I could tell from his tone that he just wanted to understand me better. “How did you make the distinction between what you did and giving into your bloodlust?”
“I would always fight for those who said they were following God’s orders,” I say. “Since He no longer spoke to me, I needed to believe there was still a way for me to do His work here on Earth. Some of the people I fought for simply used the name of God to get what they wanted from their crusades, but I still believe some of them truly thought they were doing what my father wanted them to do. It wasn’t until the world became more civilized that I ran out of people to fight for. I started to get bored.”
“You don’t seem like the type of person who would just sit around and do nothing.”
“I wasn’t. I’m still not. I decided that if God wouldn’t give me a mission to carry out, I would make one for myself.”
“What did you decide to do?” Rafe asks hesitantly.
“I started my own private crusade against the children of the other Watchers. At least, the ones that I knew had given into their bloodlust.”
I phase Rafe to the summit crater glacier on Mt. Rainier.
“Once I caught a Watcher child,” I tell him, feeling detached from my words as I remember those I killed, “I would bring it here and offer it a chance to fight for its life. It was an empty offer, of course. I knew none of them was a match for me, but giving them the opportunity to defend themselves helped me justify killing them.”
“How…many… did you kill here?” Rafe asks haltingly.
I look over at him and see that his pauses weren’t caused by his disgust over what I did here, but because he’s shivering violently from the biting-cold wind. It’s only then that I realize the temperature on top of the mountain is below freezing.
I quickly phase us to a warm beach in the Caribbean. We’re back to our own time zone now, and the sun is just beginning to dip lower on the horizon, kissing the edge of the blue-green sea.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize. “I shouldn’t have taken you up there. Sometimes I forget that you’re human.”
“No…it’s fine,” Rafe says, still shivering slightly.
Without thinking, I let go of Rafe’s hand so I can wrap my arms around his torso and press my body against his to share my natural warmth with him. Rafe breathes a sigh of relief, and his shivering soon subsides. Even after I know he’s not cold anymore, I continue to hold him close, with my head resting against his shoulder. I close my eyes and feel a sensation I haven’t felt in years.
I feel safe.
“I killed exactly twenty Watcher children,” I tell him, answering the question he asked before I inadvertently almost froze him to death. “That’s why it was so easy for Peyton to believe I would kill Dillon. I probably would have killed more if Brand hadn’t stopped me.”
“How did he do that?” Rafe asks, tightening his hold on me.
“He discovered what I was doing, and found out I took them to the crater to fight for their lives. He was there the last time, waiting for me. That’s why the number isn’t twenty-one.”
“How did he convince you to stop what you were doing?”
“By reminding me that God wouldn’t send me to kill the innocent. The children weren’t the ones to blame for their crimes. Their parents were. He convinced me that if I really wanted to do something th
at our father would approve of, that I should join him and his group in their fight against the Watchers who followed Lucian. I don’t know if I’ve done enough yet to gain His forgiveness, but I promise you that I’m doing my best to earn it.”
We fall into a mutual silence after my confession. After a few minutes, I hear Rafe whisper, “Nina…”
Reluctantly, I lift my head to meet his eyes, afraid that I’ll see his disappointment in me. Instead, I find a depth of understanding in his expression that I don’t feel worthy of.
“Thank you,” he tells me.
“For what?” I ask.
“For sharing your past with me,” he says. “I know it couldn’t have been easy for you to relive all that.”
“I thought you had the right to know who I used to be first.”
“First?” Rafe asks in confusion.
“Before I tell you that I…” before I can declare my love to Rafe, I hear what sounds like an animal’s growl. I soon realize it was just Rafe’s stomach rumbling from what must be extreme hunger.
“Sorry,” he says, looking sheepish. “I didn’t know if our date included supper, so I didn’t eat before we left.”
I drop my forehead against Rafe’s chest, declaring, “I’m such an idiot. I didn’t even think to bring along something to eat.”
“We could go back to the castle and grab some leftovers,” Rafe suggests.
I quickly raise my head and say, “Absolutely not. I invited you out, and I will feed you.”
Rafe bites his bottom lip, and looks up the beach to the line of palm trees present.
“We might be able to find some coconuts in those trees,” he suggests.
I take a step back from Rafe and slip off my high-heel shoes, tossing them to the sand.
“Come on,” I say, taking his hand and walking over to the trees. Once we reach them, I plant Rafe right where I want him to stand before walking up to a palm that looks loaded with coconuts.
“Stay right where you are,” I tell Rafe. “Don’t move an inch.”
“I’m like Stonehenge,” he promises.
I walk behind the tree and push against it with one hand, felling it directly in front of Rafe, who remains stock-still, just as ordered.
Rafe’s eyebrows lift in surprise as he looks at the tree.
“For some reason,” he says, “I just thought you were going to climb it to get the coconuts.”
“Well, we needed something to sit on, too,” I say, thinking this a completely justifiable reason to tip a tree over.
I walk over to search beneath the palm fronds to find a good-size green coconut, knowing the younger ones will contain the most water.
“Sit down,” I tell him as I rip the green outer shell off to pull the coconut out from its center. Once I have the coconut out, I ram my index finger through the top of it to make a hole and crook it on the inside to yank off a quarter-sized section for Rafe to drink from.
I hand Rafe the coconut, saying, “There’s only about a cup worth of water in there. When you run out, let me know and I’ll get you another one.”
“Thank you,” Rafe says with an amused smile as he cups the coconut in his hands.
I reach up to the back of my dress and begin to pull the zipper down. I happen to glance in Rafe’s direction and see him hesitate as he’s bringing the coconut up to his lips to drink from it. For a second time that night, I see a look of surprise on his face.
“I don’t want to get my dress wet,” I explain, answering his unasked question.
“Are you going swimming?”
As I step out of the dress, now only wearing a lacey black bra and matching panties, I say, “How else am I going to catch a fish?”
“You’re going to catch one…” Rafe says, “with your bare hands?”
I shrug. “Not a big deal. I used to do it all the time. I might be a little rusty but there should be plenty of bonefish in these waters, with the tide coming in. I’ll be back in just a bit.”
I toss my dress onto the tree trunk beside Rafe and make my way to the water’s edge. After I do a quick scan of the clear, blue-green water, I dive in and swim out to find my man something to eat. It only takes me a few minutes to find what I’m looking for. With one quick jerk, I grab the tail of a bonefish and phase back onto the beach, with it still struggling to be set free. I lift it up to eye-level and grab a hold of the area right above its gills. With one squeeze and yank, I effectively debone it while its innards spill out onto the sand. I walk back to the water and wash it out underneath the waves before making my way back up to where Rafe is sitting.
“What?” I ask him, noticing that his mouth is slightly open in shock. “Haven’t you ever gutted a fish before?”
“I can’t say I’ve ever done it like that,” Rafe answers, a corner of his mouth lifting in an amused smile. “You’re a very resourceful woman.”
“You learn how to do certain things when you’re on your own,” I explain, scanning the area around us. I walk up to Rafe and hold the fish out to him. “Can you hold this for a minute? I need to build a fire so we can cook it.”
Rafe takes hold of the fish by the tail and watches me as I gather some fallen limbs and smaller twigs. I stand the wood up, making a teepee formation. In no time at all, I have a fire burning after quickly rubbing a stick into a larger piece of wood and making an ember to burn in the dried out husk from the coconut.
I make a rudimentary spit with some sturdy twigs and begin to cook the bonefish over the open flames.
“There,” I say with hands on hips, satisfied with my efforts, “it shouldn’t take long for the fish to cook. It might be a little crispy, since we’re doing it over an open flame, but, from the way your stomach was growling, I don’t think we have time to wait for it to die down to coals.”
I walk over to retrieve my dress. When I reach for it, I hear Rafe say, “Don’t feel as though you need to put that back on because of me.”
I meet his gaze and see the teasing smile on his face as he looks at me.
“And ruin JoJo’s plans for it?” I ask, grabbing my dress and stepping back into it. “I couldn’t do that to her.”
“Her plans?” Rafe asks in confusion. “What does she have planned for it?”
“Apparently, she thinks you’ll rip it off me by the end of this date.”
Rafe’s eyes grow so wide I can’t help but laugh at him.
“Her words,” I tell him with a giggle, “not mine.”
After I have my dress zipped, I sit down beside Rafe on the tree trunk.
“Well,” Rafe says, “I would certainly hate to disappoint JoJo.”
I look over at him and see a mischievous look on his face.
I smile back at him. “I wouldn’t complain.”
Rafe’s smile grows wider. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
As we watch the fish cook, I ask Rafe, “Can you tell me the story of how you and the other vessels found each other? How were you able to close the Tear in the Origin?”
Rafe begins to tell me about his first meeting with Jess and the other vessels. I can tell just by the tone of his voice that he loves them all, and would follow Jess into the bowels of Hell itself if that’s where she needed him to go.
“None of you questioned coming here with her?” I ask, finding such unselfishness remarkable.
“We knew she was having the dreams because God wanted her to come back here. There was never a question about if we would come here with her, just a matter of when. I think God was waiting for Lucifer to decide to come here with us. It’s the only explanation that makes sense to me.”
“Why do you think it was so important for him to come to this reality?”
Rafe shrugs. “I have no idea. I think only God knows the answer to that question. The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that He wants Lucifer to see what would happen if he ever tries to open the seals in the Origin.”
“But my father would only do that if He thought it would stop Lucifer from ope
ning them in your reality.”
“I know. That’s what I can’t quite figure out. It’s almost as if He thinks Lucifer won’t do it if he sees firsthand what the consequences would be. If that’s the case, then He has more faith in Lucifer than I do. I’m not sure how seeing the destruction it would cause is supposed to stop him from doing it, unless God still thinks Lucifer has a sense of morality.”
“Jess seems to think he might,” I say. “Why is that? What’s up with that relationship anyway?”
“She cares for him like she does all her friends,” Rafe says. “He seems to care about her, too, even if he won’t openly admit it to anyone. I’m not even sure he’s admitted it to himself yet.”
We fall into a comfortable silence and I close my eyes, listening to the wind as it pushes the waves against the shore. The crackle of the fire brings its own sense of calm, making me relax even more.
“Nina…” Rafe says.
“Hmm?” I say, keeping my eyes closed and simply enjoying the tranquility of the moment.
“Earlier, you were about to tell me something. What was it?”
I open my eyes and turn my head to look at Rafe. The hope I see in his eyes makes my heart ache to confess my love to him, but I decide to wait. I look over at the fish and see that it’s done.
“Why don’t we eat first?” I suggest. “Let’s make sure that belly of yours is full before I tell you.”
Rafe looks disappointed, but nods his head. “All right.”
I stand up and pull a couple of palm fronds from the tree to act as our plates. While Rafe and I eat, Rafe tells me some more about his work with Doctors Without Borders. I’ve never seen anyone more in love with his work. I can tell just from the way he talks about it that he desperately wants to go back home to his patients.
“And you live in that small village?” I ask, having heard the other vessels talk about their home, or multiple homes, in Jess and Mason’s case.
“I don’t need much,” Rafe says. “I live a modest life for now.”
“For now?” I ask. “Are you planning to change the way you live soon?”
Rafe smiles shyly. “Once I’m married and start a family of my own, I plan to return to the States to live. I wouldn’t want to raise a family where my clinic is located. It wouldn’t be safe for them.”