Cate nodded and they finished their lunch in companionable silence. As soon as they cleared the dishes and Cate went back upstairs, Khiara returned the cash register, bell in hand. To her relief, it was a busy afternoon, and the constant comings and goings of her customers kept her from dwelling on history.
As she closed the shop at three o’clock and tallied the receipts, Cate came downstairs and announced, “I am completely and utterly screwed.”
“It’s not that bad, is it?” Khiara asked, setting the roll of paper down on the countertop.
“No, and I see now that I’ve been missing a lot. There’s some pretty cool stuff in those movies – fairies and elves and love triangles and evil princes. Hot stuff, but…”
“But?” Khiara prompted, and raised her eyebrows.
“But they still speak ye olde English.”
“Yeah, I understand. Still….” With a smile, Khiara reached for the book and handed it to Cate. “If this Barden guy wants a second date, why don’t you try reading the prose itself sometime this weekend? No matter what you do, don’t stress about the language. Oh, and for goodness sake, please don’t lie to Barden tonight. Admit that you didn’t know anything about Shakespeare until you met him.”
“What good will that do me?” Cate asked, still looking at the book as though it were somehow dangerous.
“You can stroke his ego a bit by telling him, quite honestly, that he inspired you to learn more about Shakespeare,” Khiara pointed out. “He’s much more likely to appreciate that you took the time to learn about something that interests him, than he is to appreciate a lie told just to impress him.”
“Why do you always know just how to handle things with people? You’re so damn reasonable.” Cate shoved the book in her bag and said, “And you’re still giving me homework, even though I’m a third degree student.”
Cate’s voice faded as dizziness swept over Khiara. She felt behind her for the stool and backed onto it.
“Well, I had better get ready for tonight.” Cate continued to chatter on blithely, her excitement at meeting a new guy having not faded at all in the light of day. “I’ll give you a call tomorrow and let you know how the date went.” With that, she left, taking her exuberance with her.
Khiara suddenly felt very isolated, and even though it was not even dinnertime, the shop seemed darker than it should. Taking a deep breath, she told herself, “He can’t come in here. He can’t hurt me. He can’t take me.” She bowed her head.
For almost nine years, she had rarely thought about that terrible night. She had tried so to flee from it so completely, to start a new life. Now that the anniversary was nearing, every heart-wrenching aspect of that frightening experience seemed to be closing in on her.
Chapter 2
Khiara ran upstairs as quickly as she could, desperate for physical activity. There was one more opportunity to salvage this day – game night. Once she undressed and stepped into the shower, she found her equilibrium returning with the resumption of her usual routine. It didn’t take long to change into jeans and a fresh t-shirt, and grab her messenger bag to shove her Player’s Handbook, character sheet, and dice into it.
The beauty of roleplaying was that it took her to another world where she could pretend to be a completely different person without ever leaving the real world. It was a creative way to release stress. There was always laughter, which Khiara considered to be an essential part of a healthy life.
She glanced at the photograph of the gaming group on the corkboard on her bedroom wall. In it she was laughing at something someone had said, while Sean, her best friend regarded the camera with a mix of amusement and exasperation.
Sean.
Her heart quickened for a moment, and then she shook her head, spun on her heel, hoisted the strap of her messenger bag over her shoulder, and strode out the door.
The evening was warm and inviting. She dawdled the entire way, taking slow steps so she could bask in the perfumed heat. The sun lingered on the horizon, casting a warm, golden glow over the town. Khiara closed her eyes and breathed deeply, inhaling the heady scent of fading lilacs and blooming honeysuckle. For a brief moment, she entertained romantic thoughts – going out for a treat with a certain long-time male friend… It was the perfect night for a cone of vanilla ice cream with someone who laughed at the same things she did.
Someone like Sean.
“Cut it out,” she muttered to herself. “He’s never going to be anything but a friend.”
When she reached Sean’s small cottage, she walked up the brick path, did her best to check her mental baggage at the door, opened the front door, and walked right inside.
The guys were already there, sitting around the dining room table and laughing uproariously over some remark that Khiara was sure was related to something fairly juvenile. Maybe someone had farted. Anything was possible. Hot pizza replaced the scent of summer-blooming flowers, and her stomach grumbled. Khiara walked into the dining room, said “Hello”, dropped her bag into a chair, and kept on walking to the kitchen to grab a can of soda.
“Hi Josh,” she said to one of the guys standing at the refrigerator.
“Hey, Khiara.” He turned look at her, his gaze raking her from head to toe.
It wasn’t often that the guys looked at her like that. As soon as he stepped out of her way, she angled herself away from him and smoothed her t-shirt over her slim waist. Pressing one hand to her stomach, she reached for a can of ginger ale with the other. She leaned back just enough to make sure Josh had gone back to the table, then exhaled.
That was the first time any of the guys had looked at her like that. Then again, it was the first time she had been alone with anyone but Sean. Since junior year of high school, hanging out alone with Sean had meant he showed her his drawings, and she voiced her admiration of his talent. He had certainly never looked at her in such a frankly appraising way, nor had any of their gaming buddies. At least, not around the table.
Khiara shut the refrigerator door and leaned against it, head tilted as she watched the guys in the dining room. Perhaps, she thought, they didn’t count her as “one of them” as much as she had assumed over the years. Or maybe Josh was the only one with enough nerve to look at her like she was just the “token chick”.
“Are you going to join us or just take up permanent residence here?”
“Huh?” Khiara jerked back to awareness and blinked when she realized Sean was standing in front of her, waving his hands only inches from her face.
“Dude, the game?”
“Right. Sorry.” She pushed away from the refrigerator and tapped her fingernail against the top of the soda can. “How are you?”
“Thirsty. Think you could move?”
“Oh, right.” Khiara furrowed her brow and stepped aside. When Sean opened the refrigerator, she tried to think of something to say, but it felt like a thick fog clouded her mind. With a sigh, she walked to the dining room, moved her bag out of the chair, and sat down at the table.
When it came to Sean, her own feelings about him annoyed her. They seemed especially persistent today. She had to admit that while she did not want to be “one of the boys” for her entire life, the thought of being “one of the girls” was foreign to her.
I have everything – an amazing house, a business I love, lots of friends. What is wrong with me? When the hell am I going to give up the ghost of this hopeless crush? Even her own inner monologue annoyed her, and she just pressed her hands to her face, muttering, “Oh my gods.”
“Alright, are you ready to die?” Sean asked as he took his place at the head of the table.
“I swear, if you farted again…” one of the players said.
“Well, when we last left our heroes, they were fighting a lich, so if you’d like him to cast Stinking Cloud, I can make it happen.”
Khiara laughed along with everyone else, even as she realized this was becoming a problem for her. Her crush on Sean was as old as their friendship – nine years, now.
She had to either admit her feelings to Sean or stop spending so much time with him. Otherwise, she might girl up their gaming in a very embarrassing way.
And, really, there was no point in talking to him about her feelings. He know how she felt. It was something they had discussed in high school. And college. And after college.
“I would hate to ruin our friendship with sex,” he said each time. “You’re more than a good body to me.”
She hated herself for wanting him to say once – just once – “Hey, nice rack, Khiara.”
Between last night’s dream and now this, I am a hot mess, she told herself. What the hell happened in the last twenty-four hours that my emotions decided it was a good time to implode?
Despite Khiara’s wayward thoughts, she managed to focus on the game. Sean was running an adventure that allowed for more variety than usual, and everyone was having fun with the custom races they had created. After several slices of pizza and many rolls of the dice, Khiara mostly managed to put her thoughts about Sean in the background. There was no need, she decided, to let his brown eyes, his tousled brown hair, or his voice distract her.
However, she did notice the little things. Between shouts of, “I draw my sword!” and “Nat twenty on my bluff check,” she could not help but notice he was the only guy in the room who did not let the burps and farts fly freely. Had he always been more reserved about his bodily functions than everyone else? Despite what he always said to her about seeing her as a friend and respecting her intelligence, was he also conscious of the fact that she was a girl? She wondered, not for the first time, if there was a way to get him to acknowledge this to her.
I want to smack myself, Khiara thought, letting her head droop onto the table. I need to stop mooning over Sean like a teenager. We’re twenty-five years old. This is ridiculous. Maybe I should take Matt up on that date after all. Or someone – anyone – to put a stop to this.
The night was interminable and by the time the group dispersed at eleven o'clock, Khiara could not wait to go home. As she picked up her belongings, Sean approached her. “Did you walk here?” he asked while she gathered her dice and put them in their small pouch.
“Of course I did. It was too nice outside not to. Besides, it would be a waste of gas to drive, even in the winter.” She finished packing her books and dice in her bag, and smiled up at him. He wasn’t much taller than her – maybe only five foot eight – so their gazes were almost level. “Well, I’ll see you next week. I’m having fun with this campaign. You’ve done some great stuff with it. I like playing a race I created myself.”
“Why don’t I walk you home?” This wasn’t an offer Sean usually made, and Khiara dropped her gaze to the table bench.
Why don’t you not, because I might develop some serious word vomit if you do, she thought. “I don’t think so…” she finally answered.
“Why not? Is there something wrong with me walking with you?” Sean pressed his thumb against an indent in the table and continued. “Khiara, have you noticed that we don’t hang out as much as we used to?”
Her head snapped up and she answered, “I come here every week.” She winced at how strident her voice sounded, but she gave a shrug and smiled. “It’s not like I dropped off the face of the earth.”
“Yeah, I know we hang out every Friday, but you don’t talk to me as much online, and you don’t come by the comic book store anymore.” He dug his hands into the pockets of his jeans and looked at her, those brown eyes unblinking.
“I’ve been busy with…” She searched her mind for an excuse and found nothing plausible.
“Come on. I want to talk to you.” He grabbed her by the arm and propelled her out the front door. As they set their feet on the sidewalk, Khiara felt that sense of misleading hope that always seemed to pervade her heart, mind, and soul when they were together without the guys. There was a false sense of anticipation that maybe, just maybe, he wanted to be alone with her because he would declare his feelings for her, hug her, kiss her; that he would do something that said that he wanted them to be more than just friends.
The eternal dilemma of the girl with the guy friend she likes as more than a friend, Khiara thought, rolling her eyes to the night sky. Why me?
“You seemed distracted during the game tonight. Is everything okay with you?” Sean asked.
“Wonderful,” Khiara responded too quickly.
“You call spending half the night with your head against the table ‘wonderful’?” His voice was full of disbelief. “What about last week?”
“What happened last week?” She looked at him, even though she realized he probably could not see her quizzical expression since the streetlight was at their backs.
“You spilled a can of soda all over the floor. You’re not usually that clumsy.”
Khiara wracked her mind for a believable response. “I had my period.”
“Ugh, TMI,” Sean answered and took a step away from her.
“Right. Sorry about that.” Khiara bowed her head. Fiddling with the strap of her bag, she said, “Um, but you do know that I’m a girl, right? And we do things like that – our periods.”
“Yes, I’m well aware of how the female body works,” Sean said with laughter in his voice as he stepped closer to her once more. “I understand biology. You just don’t need to tell me when it happens to you. Ignorance really is bliss in that situation.”
“Fine, but you should know that we do other things that we can’t always control,” Khiara continued, realizing it was about to come out. “Like, we can’t control when or how or with whom we fall in love.”
“Sure.” Sean nodded.
She took a deep breath and added, “With people like our best friends, even though we know we shouldn’t love them, and that those kinds of feelings are more likely to fuck up the friendship than move it along. But we do it anyway. Sometimes we feel that way for a long time and don’t admit it, just so we don’t screw things up. And sometimes we say it anyhow, because we can’t seem to filter a damn thing that comes out of our mouths.”
She realized they had stopped walking and were standing in front of her house, Sean looking at her with a frown.
Oh shit, she thought. Here it comes.
“Khiara…”
She felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. Blinking faster didn’t alleviate the sensation. The rejection was coming at her like a freight train and, as always, she was powerless to stop it. She heard it in his voice; that tone of regret that he had to hurt her, mixed with certainty that she was not what he wanted. I should have never said anything. It would be fine just to stay friends. That’s all I needed, but now I’ve gone and screwed it up.
“I think we are great friends and I know we flirt sometimes. I love the banter. But I don’t feel that way about you.” He was trying to be nice – she could hear it in his voice – and he even reached out to take her hand, but she pulled away far more forcefully than she had intended.
This was too much like that first time during summer camp in her freshman year of high school. That boy had attempted to be just as nice, but no amount of kindness could soothe the sting of rejection.
“I realize that,” Khiara said, trying to hold back the tears in her voice and aware that she was failing. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting anything. We were alone together and I couldn’t help it.”
“You just aren’t my type.” Once again, Sean dug his hands into his pockets. It was a gesture with which Khiara was very familiar. Sometimes it seemed to be the only way he knew how to respond to an awkward situation.
“I know, I know.” She felt heat rush up from her stomach to her chest and sit there in a heavy ball. “You like the leggy brunettes in goth clothes and stiletto shoes; not the football-watching girl-pal who rolls twenty-sided dice, and cosplays at anime and comic-cons. Not the girl who shares all of your interests and tastes in books, music, and movies. Not the girl who can laugh at the same things as you, because genuinely appreciates the same humor. I k
now the whole Witch thing isn’t a problem. It’s just a matter of looks and all. I get that. I’m not a model. I’m not a tall Amazon woman. I’m just me.”
Khiara knew she was babbling, but she hardly cared. She reached up to dash the tears out of her eyes with her fingertips as she rambled on, powerless to stop.
“I definitely understand. You have a standard that I don’t meet. Every guy I’ve ever had a crush on seems to have that issue. And I know you’ll tell me that I’m intelligent and you have never sexualized me – you don’t see me like that. You respect me for my mind and my personality. I really do appreciate that.”
She backed up the walkway, fumbling for the house key in her bag.
“It’s all good, Sean. We’ve known each other for a long time. You’ve seen me date plenty of guys. Well, not recently because I haven’t been interested. But I probably should get back to it, huh? It would be more productive than wanting something I can’t have.” She turned and inserted the key, then turned it in the lock. “Good night. I’ll see you next week, and I’ll be my normal self by then.”
Before he could respond, Khiara rushed into the house, shut, and locked the door behind her, and then stomped upstairs to her room. Ignoring the insistent knocks at the door, she tossed her bag to the floor, flung herself on the bed and buried her face in her arms. Real mature, high priestess, she berated herself.
****
The dreams brought her to that night, when she had realized that what she was dealing with was far beyond her knowledge and abilities. He was stronger than her, and her only choice was to defend herself. The only way to do that was to use her athame. It was not meant for cutting something, and certainly not intended for causing harm to another person, but he would not take “no” for an answer.
“You need to come with me. You don’t belong in this place,” he said, still trying to convince her. “I need you. We all need you.”
“I don’t want to leave.” She gasped as he tried to pull her with him. There was a spark of energy and she watched it expand. That was it – the portal. Once he pulled her through, there would be no return.
The Gossamer Gate Page 2