Zach shook his head. “The garage door wasn’t on any of the circuits powered by the emergency generator. It was only wired up for the essentials. They’re gone.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” He stared at the shadowy form of his childhood home, trying to decide how he felt about that. The last of his family had hardly even waited a day on the chance he might return to reconcile. It made no sense to feel hurt about that, because he certainly hadn’t considered returning, and yet— “Guess they figured they might as well leave, once they wrote me off. Father kept talking about someplace in the northwest. I just didn’t realize he actually was going to go, much less so soon.”
“Well.” Nico sucked in a deep breath and released it, his shoulders slumped. “It’s okay. Doesn’t change anything we’re doing, right? Look, it’s only a couple hours until dark. Let’s sleep here, if the house really is empty. Then we won’t have to search for somewhere safe to stay.”
“I don’t want to leave our supplies outside unattended, even this far out in the country.”
Nico snorted in the darkness behind him and clapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’ll get the garage open.”
For no reason that made sense, his father had locked the house, and Nico had to break the back door down to get them in. Zach called out, announcing their presence, but no one appeared, armed or otherwise, to confront them.
They really had left him behind.
“They couldn’t have taken the generator. I’m sure they took the last fuel cells, but if you’ve got one of yours, we can have a little bit of light and hot water.”
“Point the way.”
They kept only a couple of low lights on to conserve power but risked turning on the hot-water heater. Zach looked around in the semidarkness. The house was still in shambles from the ransacking after he had hidden the munitions, but now it was even worse. Clearly, his father and Jacob had been determined to take everything they could possibly carry that might be useful.
“What happened here?” Nico asked as Zach led the way to his bedroom, where the door was still propped against the wall, sans hinges.
“Jailbreak. Father thought he could lock me up and starve compliance into me.” The drawers of his dresser had all been pulled out and emptied. “Damn. I only took two changes of clothes when I left. I was hoping I could take more now, but Jacob must have pillaged it all.” Zach gestured for Nico to follow again. “Here, this way. You can use my parents’ room. It has the best shower. I’ll use my bathroom, and then we can turn off the water heater.”
He left Nico standing in the tastefully decorated master bedroom and retreated down the hall to his own room. How could Nico bear going so long without bathing? His father, brother, and he had cut back their showers to twice a week, leaving the water heater off when not in use. But they’d slept indoors; there hadn’t been much opportunity to get dirty or sweaty. Now, after only a couple of days of living rough, Zach felt absolutely wretched. That should probably tell him something about how fortunate he’d been to have a well-supplied house to take refuge in.
He bathed as quickly as possible, dressed, and went looking for Nico, who had turned on all the bathroom lights and was standing at the sink in the master bathroom with a towel around his hips. He’d just finished shaving the growth of black beard from his jaw and was splashing water on his face to rinse away the soap.
The sight of so much bare skin was downright startling. When was the last time he’d seen someone nude, or nearly so? In the Houtman household, one did not leave one’s bedroom any less than fully dressed. It had been more than three years since his last relationship, and even longer since he’d spent any time in the locker room at school.
His eyes drank in all that exposed flesh, satisfying a thirst he’d never realized he’d had. He wasn’t even sure that hunger was sexual, so much as it was just awing to be in the presence of someone who clearly felt there was nothing awkward or shameful or sinful about his own body. It felt honest.
Which wasn’t to say Zach didn’t have the predictable reaction, to his chagrin. It took him a moment to remember how to make words. “R-razor.”
“Hmm?” Nico turned an inquiring look in his direction, and Zach cleared his throat, trying to keep his eyes above Nico’s shoulders.
“I’m surprised Father and Jacob left any razors in the house.”
“I had this one in my pack. Call it wishful thinking.”
Nico hadn’t been exaggerating about how pretty he was. Zach swallowed and looked away from that lean, bare chest, waiting half in eagerness and half in dread for Nico to make a move. Which he inevitably would, of course. Right? He’d already flirted with Zach, after all, and now he was standing here mostly naked. Considering his former occupation, it wasn’t like he could possibly have any reservations about sex. What would Zach do if Nico did make a move? What should he . . .?
Nico brushed past him into the bedroom, where the clothes he’d brought from the truck sat in a pile on the bed. Zach hovered behind him, trying to make sense of his own confusion. With an utter lack of self-consciousness, Nico hung his towel around his neck and bent over to step into a pair of underwear.
Zach averted his eyes, glancing around the barely lit space of his parents’ bedroom. It felt like there was a poison in this room, and while it shouldn’t be any stronger than the toxic presence his father had exerted on the rest of the household, Zach felt it more intensely here.
Three of his four siblings had been conceived in this room. Rebecca should have been the last. After that birth had turned out to be so hazardous, his parents had been advised not to have any more children. But of course, his father would never consider contraception—much less sterilization—and Zach’s mother had been brainwashed only too well to be an unquestioningly obedient wife. So Jacob had happened. Their mother had been hospitalized for the last three months of the pregnancy, and Zach now understood that if Jacob’s birth hadn’t resulted in her having an emergency hysterectomy, eventually there would have been a sixth child, which—if the emphatic worry of her doctors was to be believed—would have undoubtedly killed her. Maurice would rather have seen his own wife die than admit there was a fault in his philosophy.
Considering how his brother had turned out, Zach had to wonder if the selfishness that had led to Jacob’s conception had been imprinted on Jacob’s soul.
How had he come to these understandings so late in his life? Why had he not seen years earlier how vain and misguided his father’s dogma was, how he’d hurt them all over the years?
In willful defiance of Maurice’s lingering presence, determined to exorcize it lest it cling to him and follow him away from here when he left for good, Zach strode across the room and wrapped a hand around Nico’s solidly muscled biceps.
Nico went still, and then he turned calm, expectant eyes to Zach. Waiting. Why wouldn’t he take the lead? Surely, he knew better than Zach what to do? But he just waited. Zach’s hand shook as he laid it along Nico’s bare jaw and leaned in, covering Nico’s mouth with his own.
If he thought the kiss he’d shared with Bryan months ago had been a revelation, it was nothing compared to the moment when Nico’s lips parted beneath his. It was so, so very right. God was offering him another chance; he knew it. Another chance to be the man he was born to be, to understand that God’s truth had nothing to do with the indoctrination he’d received his whole life. This wasn’t the damnation he’d feared before. It was the opposite. It was his salvation.
Nico willingly stepped closer and pressed his bare body against Zach’s. The house was still cold enough that his drying skin had grown chilled, and Zach closed his arms around him, offering him warmth. Beneath his fingers, the naked plane of Nico’s lean back awakened something deep inside Zach, a craving he’d never suspected himself to be capable of. His blunted fingertips dug in, kneading the muscle to still their own trembling. They stretched the skin, dragging down the curve of Nico’s spine to the elastic band around
his hips.
Nico drew back with a small smile, giving Zach a slow, scrutinizing look. How could he be so calm?
Of course, he would be. For him, this was nothing new. But for Zach, it was taking the final step over the threshold into a whole new world.
Nico trailed a finger down the front of Zach’s sweater, from his neck to just above the waistband of his trousers. “Not that I’m opposed to this, but before we go much further, I just need to make sure you’re not going to have second thoughts. Because I really don’t want to try to travel across the country alone.”
“I’m not.” Zach swallowed hard and shook his head. He ventured a nervous smile. “I can’t think of a better way to send my father a big ‘screw you.’”
The attempt at levity fell flat when Nico pulled away, his eyes hardening. He turned around and grabbed his shirt, jerking it on, before whirling on Zach with a sneer. “Yeah, no thanks. The only people who get to use me pay for the privilege first, and sorry, sweetheart, but your money just isn’t worth much these days. You’ll have to find another way to deal with your daddy issues.”
Damn. Zach closed his eyes, desperation rising up in him. “No, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant to—”
Nico jerked his head toward the door. “Good night.”
“Right. Good night.” Zach sighed and turned away, kicking himself for his stupidity. He stopped in the doorway, speaking over his shoulder. “Imagine spending your whole life so caught up in lies that it took you more than twenty-four years to even begin questioning, much less see the truth.” He took a shuddering breath. “About the only good thing I can see in all that’s happened to this world is that I finally have a chance to start living honestly. I guess I’m not sure how to handle that. I didn’t mean to insult you. I’m sorry.”
He retreated before Nico had a chance to answer.
Zach spent the night in the room he’d slept in his whole life, staring at the empty doorway as though willing Nico to appear in it and give him another chance. But two days of tumult and nearly no sleep caught up with him just before dawn.
The sun was high when he finally opened his eyes again, and the house was silent. Zach spent a moment orienting himself, recalling that he wouldn’t hear the sounds of his father’s and brother’s voices carrying through the walls. But neither could he hear any sound of Nico moving around. He bolted out of bed, panic surging within him. Had he insulted Nico so badly that he had decided to risk the journey alone?
Then he heard steps on the stairs and sank onto the bed, weak with relief. Nico appeared in the doorway.
“You’re still here,” Zach said stupidly.
Nico frowned, but then his face grew softer, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I . . . overreacted. Knowing who you are . . . who raised you, what you were taught to believe . . . I keep waiting for some hint that you think you’re better than me, and after all you’ve done, that’s not fair to you.”
“I don’t. I swear I don’t.”
“I know.” Nico stepped through the doorway, peeling his long-sleeved shirt over his head. Zach froze, his eyes devouring Nico’s skin as it appeared, but he didn’t move, didn’t touch. He waited. Nico met his gaze and, deliberately maintaining the eye contact, stood between Zach’s feet, bending over and pulling him up into a kiss.
Oh. Heaven. Nico smelled perfect, tasted perfect, and Zach wouldn’t say a damned word if it meant not screwing this up again. Nico teased his lips, coaxing Zach to open for him, which he did gladly. The caress of Nico’s tongue against his own was sweeter and more sensual than anything he’d ever known, and he wanted more.
It didn’t matter that he’d only known Nico for mere days, at least as anything more than a stranger’s voice coming from a dark shed. It didn’t matter that he had no idea whether or not they’d have any sort of future together. Zach was the furthest thing from a casual-sex type of guy, but this didn’t feel casual, no matter what Nico’s past life had been like. This felt affirming and so very necessary. If God didn’t exactly approve, Zach knew He would at least understand.
He didn’t think it was casual for Nico, either. Nico’s eyes were too sober, his expression questioning as he pulled away to tug at Zach’s shirt. When it was gone, Nico dropped to his knees beside the bed, running his hands over Zach’s shoulders and chest.
The feel of Nico’s palms gliding over his skin was magic. It was as though Zach had never felt the touch of another person before, as if his nerve endings had just suddenly come to life after years of nothingness. Nico pushed Zach onto his back and slid his fingers over the twitchy skin of Zach’s lower abdomen, under the waistband of his underwear and pajama bottoms. With a moan, Zach lifted his hips and let Nico shimmy them down.
Then those talented hands wrapped around his shaft and drew upward. Zach melted into the mattress, groaning a desperate plea for . . . he wasn’t sure what, so long as it didn’t stop.
The heat of Nico’s mouth replaced his hands, and all Zach could do was grasp Nico’s curls and beg for more. He propped himself up with his other elbow, unable to bear the thought of not seeing what Nico was doing to him.
“Nico . . .” he panted, his fingers curling against Nico’s scalp in an effort not to grip his head and hold him while he pumped up into that wet heat.
Nico slid back, releasing the suction on Zach’s cock with a pop. He dipped his head and began nuzzling the crease of Zach’s groin. When Zach spread his legs wider to offer Nico better access, Nico ducked under his jutting dick and began to suck on Zach’s balls.
Nico looked up from beneath Zach’s cock, his dark, heavy lashes sweeping upward. “Two things,” he said. “First: I’m here because I want to be, but the moment you even think of treating me like a whore, I’m gone. Second: As long as we’re both comfortable with what is going on, there are no rules. Leave anything you’ve been taught at the door. Just let me know what you don’t like, let me know when you want more of what you do, and I’ll do the same. Forget about what’s appropriate, or sinful, or what anyone ever said you should want or do.”
Zach gasped and writhed as Nico’s hand slid up and down his shaft, jacking him in a slow, steady rhythm. “Pretty sure that’s . . . not gonna be a problem . . . Oh God, Nico . . .”
That twist thing Nico was adding to the end of each stroke was going to be the death of him, he was sure of it. He’d lost control of his hips, seeking more. Nico obliged. Did he know his touches were like a banquet for the proverbial starving man? Zach liked that idea better than thinking it was all professional skill that made what Nico was doing with his fingers and lips and teeth so incredible.
It wasn’t just the feeling of his hand and mouth on Zach’s cock, either. It was the way his fingers slid up Zach’s chest to pinch his nipples while he sucked leisurely on just the head. It was the way he peppered biting kisses around Zach’s belly and groin and even the ridges of his hips when he eased Zach back from the edge. It was the way he rolled Zach’s balls before gripping his ass and squeezing, pulling Zach’s hips forward, urging him to follow the instinct to thrust.
It was the way his soft, brown eyes fluttered open and met Zach’s, crinkling at the corners in an encouraging smile.
Zach had never felt anything like it. He didn’t know if he ever would again, so he would take it all and relish it for as long as it lasted.
“Nico!” His hand smacked weakly at Nico’s shoulder, trying to warn him. Either Nico didn’t get the message or didn’t care, and seconds later Zach was too far gone for it to matter. His world shorted out, his senses overloading in a cataclysm of pleasure.
By the time he managed to pry his eyes open again, Nico had sat back on his heels, his lips wet and shining. He looked pleased with himself, but there was something else creeping into his eyes, cagey and evasive.
“I’ll go gather up my stuff. We should get on the road,” he said with a tight smile, shoving to his feet. Beneath his trousers, the rigid line of his cock was obvious.
Z
ach reached for him, trying to draw him into another embrace, but Nico sidestepped.
“Come back when you’re done?” he asked, feeling ridiculously shy about pointing out that Nico hadn’t come yet. Zach wanted to offer to remedy that situation, to try to bring Nico the same pleasure Nico had brought him, but the words froze on his tongue.
Nico seemed to stare at something just past Zach’s left ear, because he certainly wasn’t meeting Zach’s eyes. “We really need to get going. We have a long trip ahead of us. Who knows what we’ll come across.”
“Uh . . . okay?” Zach sat up, folding his hands over his flaccid cock. He glanced away, composing himself and trying not to make an issue of Nico’s strange withdrawal. Nico had to want . . . something more? Zach cleared his throat and forced himself to speak. “You don’t need . . .?”
“No.” Nico shook his head a little too quickly, and his smile seemed forced. “I’m good. See you down by the truck.”
Zach dropped his gaze to the floor and nodded. When he looked up again, Nico was gone.
He didn’t have time to figure out what had just happened. Drawing and releasing a long, slow breath, Zach kicked off the pajamas Nico had left wrapped around one ankle and dressed, then started searching the house to see what his father and brother had left behind that might be scavenge-worthy.
He took all the bedding he could find, wrapped them into tight rolls, and tied them with twine. Wherever they ended up, there was no guarantee they would have adequate shelter or blankets. In the rafters above the garage was the camping equipment they had saved from when Zach and his siblings had spent weeks at Bible camp in the summer. He set all that out, as well, relieved that it hadn’t occurred to his father or Jacob to take it with them.
An ax and saw for firewood. Utility gloves to keep them from getting blisters that could get infected, for which they would have no medicine. Should he bring any gardening equipment? They couldn’t rely on the military installation at Cheyenne Mountain to supply them with all the food they would need. How many other survivors were there? Eventually they would have to find a way to become self-sufficient, wouldn’t they? Where would they get seeds?
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