“Look, I’m sorry,” I continued. “I’ll stay out of your life, although I couldn’t help myself tonight when I thought you might be burning up. I know you won’t ever say anything to anyone about me. I trust you. But please forget what I told you. I’m not sure why I told you all of this, except you already seemed to know.”
“That is the stupidest thing—I’m not going to forget it. And I don’t want you to stay out of my life.” My heart suddenly flipped over.
“What are we going to do, John? Be a couple?” The room got really quiet. Maybe I’d read him wrong. “I’ll go find my jeans,” I said, standing up. Hopefully what I’d said came out as sarcastic and demeaning instead of something, shockingly, that I felt. I was such an idiot.
“No.” John was off the bed and grabbing my hand. A current went up my arm and I turned back to face him. We stood there, holding hands for the second time tonight. I couldn’t let go. Like he was afraid I’d bolt if he moved too quickly, John came closer until I had to look up. The smallest details came into focus—a small rip in the shoulder of his Τ-shirt, a thin scar near the corner of his eye. I looked away for a second, away from his liquid eyes that were asking me if I wanted this. I couldn’t deny that I was going crazy with joy that he did, in spite of what he knew.
We stared at each other, my heart racing. Then the air shifted from tentative to loaded with overwhelming energy. John’s eyes narrowed and he bent his head toward mine.
His fingers slid into the hair at the nape of my neck, and his other hand held my back, gently pulling me to him. I didn’t care what I was supposed to do or what I was supposed to want or not want. It was so wrong, which of course made it feel so good.
Both of us leaned in, and his lips touched mine softly. Even though it had only been days since the kiss at school, it felt like this had taken forever.
His arm snaked around my waist backing me up a few steps until I was against his bedroom door. Any kind of softness disappeared fast. John kissed me hard. The very natural and sensual way he moved his hands and lips made it clear he had a lot of experience. It took me a second to adapt to how he was kissing and how his lips were moving, but then I picked it up.
We were breathing hard and didn’t stop. My shoulders were flattened against the door. I ran one of my hands through his hair and rested the other on his chest. His hands moved to my hips, and I stood on tiptoe to get closer, which made his shirt that I was wearing rise up.
Eventually it was John who began to back off. I was glad he knew it was time to slow down. His beautiful, soft lips went from ravaging mine to being more business-like. I could tell exactly when his mind became aware of our surroundings. He pulled away and took a ragged breath, which made me smile. He kissed my cheek before taking a big step back.
Then he stared at me, to the point that I asked, “What?”
“Nothing. I…” John looked confused at my instant lucidity, like he hadn’t quite caught up yet. He cleared his throat. “I…was looking at you.”
“I know.”
“I…People must tell you all the time that you’re beautiful.”
What? I didn’t say anything. I watched John, and this same person who had just masterminded the most blatantly sexual kiss ever actually blushed.
“I don’t want to be just another person telling you how beautiful you are and you being bored by it.”
Oh. “It’s not boring coming from you.”
John smiled. I loved seeing his smile reach his eyes. The combination of his politeness with how hot that kiss was pretty much blew my mind.
“You’re okay with this?” I didn’t know how else to ask.
“I think I’ve had the chance to adjust to most of it over time. It’s definitely weird. But you’re still you.”
I couldn’t believe he’d said that and he knew almost everything.
“But one thing,” he said, very seriously.
“What?” I asked, brushing the hair out of my eyes.
“Don’t ever use your skills or whatever they are on me again. I don’t like it.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yes.” Dammit.
John had bent his head to kiss me again when a knock vibrated through the door right behind my head.
“Mom and Dad just pulled in!”
“What?” John moved me unceremoniously to the side and opened the door. He walked into the hallway and must have sensed that his brother was right.
“I’m getting your clothes even though they’re wet, okay?” I nodded, but John was already sprinting. Great. I was getting busted in an outsider’s home. It was almost funny.
John came back and practically threw my clothes at me. “I’ll wait out in the kitchen.” But he paused, one hand on the doorknob, when I started putting on my wet jeans—impossible—while he was in the room. Then I quickly took off his shirt and, standing there in my bra, threw on my own. He was looking at me like he’d seen a ghost.
“Okay, I’m ready.” I put a hand to my hair, which was damp. This looked bad. Not what he needed after a rocky few months with his parents. “I can slip out the front if I go now.” He nodded and opened the door wider. I headed straight to the front door, not looking back. Behind me I heard the door from the garage open and his parents walk into the house.
John followed me out. I walked to my car, and just when I realized I’d left my keys, John unlocked my car for me. I slowly opened the door.
He rapidly came to my side and picked up my hand, placing the keys in my palm.
“I have to kiss you one more time.” John lowered his head and kissed my lips before trailing to the hollow below my ear. I practically hung from his neck, my knees going out.
“Oh my God—stop!” I half laughed. John pulled away. I corrected myself: “I just mean I can’t take any more if I’m supposed to leave you right now.” John broke into a huge grin, as though some part of his ego had been satisfied. He sauntered back to the house, so hot in his T-shirt and jeans and bare feet. I realized I was just standing there watching him. Alex had come to watch us too, hanging in the doorway, fingers hooked on the doorjamb above his head, bowing out his body. John punched him lightly in the stomach, forcing Alex to retreat.
I didn’t know if he would pull away after processing everything I had told him. But just then John wheeled around, and I swear it was like he let me read his mind. I had that feeling again that we were connected somehow. His pure happiness was almost exactly like mine.
Monday morning I pulled into the school parking lot as early as I could reasonably be there. I’d been dying all weekend for a million reasons. But there probably had never been another person alive who’d been more excited and nervous for a Monday morning. I felt like an entirely different person. I felt young for the first time in my life. I’d stopped thinking.
I could hide any kind of secret life. It was possible, I’d decided. No one from the group ever saw me at my new school. They wouldn’t dream of coming by to visit me at this place. No one had ever been here except Angus, and he wasn’t coming back.
It was insane, but I’d decided I wanted—I needed—this experience before I left this time in my life behind. I wanted to be this person for at least a little while. It was just for fun. I deserved it after everything I’d been through.
I sat in my car and listened to music, aware of cars beginning to stream in. I felt when John pulled in. Then he walked toward me with his brother, sidling between rows of cars. I hadn’t seen him since Friday night outside his house. Now I couldn’t help it—a smile spread over my face. John’s hair was still wet, and he was wearing his sunglasses. Alex looked from me to his brother and beelined off.
“Hey,” John said, and leaned against my car next to me.
“Hi,” I said, trying not to smile so big. Thank God I had sunglasses on too. Measured, calm, and hard to read was what I usually killed myself to present to the outside world. I knew I had never smiled like this before in my life.
“We’
d better get going.” John reluctantly straightened and stretched. I watched, openly admiring him.
“What?” he asked.
I shook my head, smiling. “Nothing at all.” He smiled back, knowing I was looking at him.
“Let’s go.” I stepped forward, ready to walk to class. To my total surprise John put his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. He kissed my cheek almost absentmindedly before backing away and taking my hand, leading me out of the parking lot. He knew all these little things about how to act with a girlfriend. They were second nature to him. This was all new to me, but I tried not to show it. I was living in total terror and thrilled at the same time. It was addictive.
It seemed like everyone in the parking lot was watching us. It was official now. I was letting this happen in this world. Luckily it was entirely separate from my real one.
Listening to his thoughts now, I felt it. Something about him had changed. I was sure it had to do with what he’d learned. He would never see things quite the same way. I knew he was worried he was in free fall. But from where he stood today, whatever happened, he thought it was worth it.
Later that day a miracle happened. It rained. It came out of nowhere. I was standing in the locker, about to change into my tennis clothes, when word spread that practice was cancelled.
I was relieved. Word was out about me and John, and I felt the tennis team sizing me up critically, and enviously, all over again. I had begun packing up my bag when I saw my phone light up.
I’m in the parking lot. Are you free?
I suddenly had about three hours completely open. So did John, who usually had zero free time.
He was waiting in his car. John quickly opened the door for me and I slid in. Water streamed down the windows, and we were in our own world. I noticed a blue thread on John’s shirt, the thickness of his lashes. Every moment with him slowed down and felt like it was occurring in Technicolor.
John leaned toward me, presumably to either shut my door better than I had or to kiss me hello. A harsh knock on his window jolted him. Alex was standing there, soaking. John turned on the car and rolled down the window.
“You coming to practice?” Alex saw I was in the passenger seat, and I could feel him stiffen.
“No way. Look at this.”
“Well, I’m going up there. There’s weights and all that.”
A moment hung between the brothers. Reading John, I knew he was annoyed, thinking Alex was calling him out on getting distracted and half-assing it. He was also seeing a new side to Alex—his brother’s commitment was bigger than his—and John was beginning to feel competitive.
I broke the silence. “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I made the move to get out.
John looked at his brother when he said, “No, it’s all good. I’m not going.”
Alex shrugged his shoulders in an It’s your life gesture and, without saying good-bye, walked off. I heard him mumble, “At least pretend you want it,” but I knew John couldn’t hear him.
John was quiet for a second and then shook it off. The flash of annoyance he’d felt wasn’t gone, but he buried it a few layers deep.
“Are you sure you don’t need to go?” I asked.
“It’s fine. I can skip for once.” It was a giant monkey on his back. Guilt all the time over his parents’ hopes for him and the increasing lack of desire on his end.
“Stop looking at me like you know what I’m thinking,” he said.
“What? I’m not.”
“It makes me nervous, the way you look at me like that sometimes. If you can read my mind on top of everything else…I don’t know.”
I laughed, pretending to think that was funny. “Would that be too much for you?”
“Yes! That would be awful.”
“Trust me—I don’t know what you’re thinking.” How was that for a blatant lie?
“Good.”
I tried to lighten things up before he could tell my mood had changed. “But please don’t think any pornographic thoughts about me!” I was actually only half-kidding. Over and over again in class, his mind drifted to a very distinct image of us kissing, lying on a bed, sunlight flooding the room.
“Julia, it’s a little hard not to. It wouldn’t be normal if I didn’t,” he stated matter-of-factly. There was something very sexy and confident about his not having any room for embarrassment.
I looked at him askance. I was completely out of my element with this banter.
John suddenly laughed. “Are you telling me that you get shocked?”
I didn’t like being called a prude. I ended the conversation by leaning over to him and initiating a long, slow kiss.
After a minute he said, “Let’s go to my house.”
I looked up, suddenly worried on all fronts. I didn’t want to get in over my head physically. And I didn’t want to see his parents.
“No one will be home until about six. That gives us almost”—John checked his phone—“two hours.”
I also didn’t want to say no. It was an opportunity that might not happen again.
“Okay. I’ll follow you there.” Impulsively I ran my fingers through his hair. I couldn’t believe I could just reach over and touch him now, whenever I wanted.
John steered us through his house to a screened-in porch.
A long outdoor sofa was pushed up against the wall with some chairs facing it. Of course it had already stopped raining. Birds were singing and the air was humid and still. Leading me to the sofa, John pulled me down next to him.
“Your parents aren’t going to suddenly walk in again?” I asked nervously.
“If they do, we’re just kissing. We’ve been lectured on the rules a million times. My mom’s biggest fears are transmitted diseases and someone getting pregnant.” There was an awkward silence after that. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing.” It was strange to hear pregnancy talked about casually; the topic had become taboo in my family. It was the only area where we were totally helpless. Besides counting on Novak to make every effort to find a solution, it was like we also looked to him to tell us the vision had changed. I came up with a reasonable reply. “I’m just thinking about the long line of girls you’ve brought home and tried not to get pregnant.”
“That doesn’t matter. Nobody else matters. And don’t worry, no one has ever gotten pregnant.” He laughed but I didn’t. He reached out and stroked the back of my hair. “What are you worried about?”
Ha. So many things. But instead I said, “I’ve realized I have a jealous streak.”
“I like it. I think it’s what brought us together. Remind me to thank Reese again,” he teased. Over the weekend I’d asked a few too many questions on the phone about our classmate who was hanging all over him at the party.
“Stop!” I laughed.
We looked at each other without saying a word. John drew in a breath, and I was surprised he was nervous too.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yes.” And then, “I can’t believe you’re here.” It was quiet for a second. I couldn’t stand the awkwardness, and I made the first move by leaning in. He quickly met me halfway. After a minute, kissing next to each other wasn’t comfortable and he eased back on the sofa, pulling me on top of him. It was almost too much being completely up against him. I had worried this was going to move to a place I wasn’t comfortable with, but I ended up never having to say a thing.
We stayed right there, kissing for ages, his hands moving all around my back but never anywhere else. The kissing had more of a first-date feeling, not an in-the-moment, this-may-never-happen-again feeling like it had in his bedroom the other night. Physically, it felt like we just fit together. I hoped he’d never had that with anyone before me. I wondered if I could find that in his thoughts somewhere, or if I didn’t want to know.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when I finally, reluctantly, untangled myself. When I pulled back, John said, “You need to leave?”
Standing up, I straigh
tened my skirt. When had I started wearing skirts? Suddenly it felt like everything was changing.
I looked over to see John watching me. “What?” I asked. He shook his head, as if to say, Never mind. “No, really? Do I look strange?”
He stood up. “It’s nothing. You just look like we’ve been making out for hours. Your lips are puffy….”
“I’m sure. I’ve got to get it together in case anyone is there when I get home.” I hadn’t meant to even mention my family. I was getting flustered.
“Julia,” he said. I looked up at him again. “I didn’t mean it as a bad thing. You look so hot right now. You’re always beautiful, but now you’re…sexy. Well, you’re always sexy, but right now you look like we were just…” He cut himself off.
I felt shy for a different reason. I had a hard time accepting the compliment. In the world I lived in, I didn’t meet the standards. But now I tried to play it off like I’d heard all this a million times before. It would be so easy to be one of those girls from school who knew exactly who they were—young, cute. Or to be like Liv or even Angus. I realized I walked around feeling different every second of my life. Stuck in no-man’s-land.
I felt the vibrations of the garage door only moments before we both heard the door to the house open. Dammit. I hadn’t been paying enough attention, and now there wasn’t time to make a clean exit. I couldn’t let down my guard like that again. It was a reminder that I could only be this self-indulgent if I didn’t make mistakes.
“What time is it?” John looked at his watch. “I’m sorry. I lost track of time.”
I was annoyed I’d put myself in this position. John led the way from the screened-in porch into the kitchen area, where his dad was sifting through the mail.
I’d only seen John’s dad from afar at that one terrible tennis match. He was pretty handsome—not quite as tall as John, but still around six feet. He was dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt. He had the same implacable prove-it-to-me look as John.
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