Sometimes he looked at me like he would any other girl. He thought I looked like a blend of rich girl and tough girl with my nice clothes and tattoos—that people would always stare even when they didn’t know who I was. Many times he would look at me and try to pinpoint other differences. I didn’t like that as much.
“What?” I asked. John wanted to ask me something. I watched him crumple up a piece of paper in a ball and throw it into a trash can at least twenty feet away. He didn’t even react when he made the shot. He turned back to me.
“Nothing. Want to go to Austin City Limits with me? The lineup is pretty good.” He caught my hand on the tabletop and held it for a moment, out in the open.
“This Friday night?” I asked. I slowly moved my hand out from under his.
“Yep.”
“I’ve never been.”
“Seriously? You’ve lived here your whole life and you’ve never been?”
Of course I hadn’t. Too crowded and too much humanity. “I’ve never been to a live show,” I said quietly.
“That is crazy,” he said. “Especially living here. You have to go, then.” I knew I had the look of someone who couldn’t come up with an excuse fast enough.
“Did you already finish your work?” he asked. John saw that not only had I completed the short essay questions for our class, but I had just finished my AP biology homework. We’d only been sitting there for about twenty minutes. I started moving papers around, uncomfortable with the scrutiny. “How do you do it?” he asked.
“What do you mean?” I looked at him suspiciously.
“Guys! Quiet over there,” Mrs. Bartell said from across the room. I wasn’t sure if it was directed at John and me. Everyone was talking.
He lowered his voice. “Never mind,” he said, annoyed. He went back to pretending to do his work. He was too distracted to concentrate with our feet touching.
After a minute I said, “It’s easy. All the information is in my head and I can just visually recall it when I need it. Little kids sometimes have the ability, but then they grow out of it. We don’t.” I looked down again and acted busy.
In John’s mind I kept freezing him out and then giving him a few details, as if I couldn’t decide how far I was going to let him in. He was sick of being the one to ask questions, so he decided to ignore what I’d said. After a minute that started to drive me crazy. Without looking up, I slid my foot up his leg under the table. He didn’t react. Finally he leaned back in his chair and looked me in the eye. I gave him a What? expression. We’d barely had any time alone together for at least a week.
He trapped my foot with his legs to make me stop. The bell rang, and we packed our belongings and trailed out of the library. It was easy to linger and leave last. Most likely I wasn’t going to see him for the rest of the day. When we exited the library, we turned to each other like we had the same idea at the exact same time and kissed. It was quick. I didn’t think anyone saw. John backed away, leaving me standing there.
“Talk to you later?” he asked.
“Of course,” I said, feeling a smile light up my face. I felt his heart clench.
He walked away thinking, She is going to crush me.
In honor of Austin City Limits, classes were canceled for the afternoon and I found I had even more freedom than usual. Victoria was taking Liv to Telluride for the weekend. My dad was in Europe again. Or so they said. Maybe they were visiting their favorite places in these last days before we disappeared. I quickly blocked the thought. I didn’t want to think about the future right now. Relocation was a ways away.
I was walking toward the parking lot when I saw Mrs. Bartell, happily talking to other staff members. I was surprised to see her with a stroller and a round toddler sitting in it, barefoot and dressed in striped shorts and a burnt-orange University of Texas T-shirt. I had to admit he was cute. I was close enough to give the child a smile, and he gave me a drooling grin back. It was probably because I was studying him that I was able to hear the muffled heartbeat. I stopped right where I was and listened more closely, realizing the odd rhythm belonged to the baby. Goddammit.
I didn’t know if it was something serious. Maybe they already knew about it. I realized I liked Mrs. Bartell. I looked over at her, debating. I was about to walk away when I looked back at her toddler, who smiled at me again like he was so happy to see me.
“Julia!” John called to me from the entrance to the parking lot. I turned at the sound of his voice and started to walk toward him, my back to the baby.
Halfway to John, I spun around and retraced my steps.
“Mrs. Bartell?” I walked up to her. The other two adults halted their conversation.
“Julia. Hi!” she said, friendly.
“Hi. Can I speak to you privately for a moment?”
“Sure,” she said with a question in her voice.
Mrs. Bartell followed me a short distance.
“Your son…,” I started, and pointed to the stroller.
“Michael?” she supplied helpfully, surprised.
“I don’t mean to interrupt. I just noticed his feet seem swollen. Does he have a heart problem?” I didn’t have a plan. I was making it all up on the spot. The toddler appeared to be just fine.
“No. No heart problem.” Mrs. Bartell looked at me strangely.
I needed to make her worry. Just enough. “I’m only asking because my cousin’s feet swelled up and it turned out there was a serious valve problem.”
“He’s fine, honey. Thanks for your concern,” Mrs. Bartell said, and patted me on the shoulder.
“No,” I said sternly. I knew he wasn’t fine. Mrs. Bartell looked taken aback. If I didn’t say anything, that was it. He was dependent on me right now. I didn’t know what to say except to explicitly tell Mrs. Bartell, “He should be seen by a doctor.” I looked at her hard before continuing on my way. I tried to shake it off; I would think about my actions later.
John met me halfway and looked up at the sky. “I think it might rain.” Then he leaned down and kissed me full on the lips in front of everyone exiting the parking lot. I let him, which should have told me something about how happy I was and how ridiculously not careful I was being.
“Let’s go.” I impetuously decided to leave my car in the lot, and we walked across the bridge over the river to Zilker Park, where the music festival was kicking off. Some of the best bands from all over the world were playing at the festival. Every time ACL came around, I felt a shift in the air as the city was taken over by the throngs of visitors. If I ever got near the park over the course of the weekend, I always felt a pang that I was missing out on living, somehow. But then I would take one look at the crowds and turn away, relieved I wasn’t among them.
John held my hand until he couldn’t anymore, and we showed our wristbands at one of the gates and went through. Alex and August were with us, a group of their other friends loosely walking in front and behind us. There was a playing-hooky feel in the air.
I passed through the barricades and came out onto the enormous green field, downtown Austin in the background, massive stages and smaller stages at different points. It was early enough that the field wasn’t covered with people yet, but I’d never been in a crowd like this.
I waited for the usual aversion and fear, but no eyes were on me here. There were so many people, it was the perfect place to blend in. I realized I was free. A stolen afternoon with the hottest boyfriend…Jesus. I did not feel like myself. I felt one hundred times better.
We stayed with just Alex and August, quickly losing everyone else from school, which made me feel even more comfortable. Hours blended into one another as we moved from stage to stage. With the music reverberating through me, I felt like I was in a dream state. It began to rain, and there was nothing to do but surrender and get wet.
Before I was ready, one of the headlining bands began to perform, the last act of the night. By now it was completely body-to-body. It didn’t matter. My ability to selectively tune out wha
t I wanted must have kicked into gear, and that’s what made the music and my time with John better—more focused and intense. I was fully aware this moment in time would never be repeated.
The field had been trampled and become muddy. People streamed out of the park, ready to come back tomorrow. But this was it for me. John had a tournament, and I would sit home and pretend I didn’t have a secret life even while I dreamt about it.
The crowd was moving slowly, so slowly that John leaned down to kiss me. I turned fully and pressed up against him, our wet bodies plastered together. Reluctantly we stopped kissing, and I took a step just a few inches back and faced the exit again, reaching for John’s hand. Turning my head casually, I caught someone’s eye. It took me a second to register who I was looking at.
Angus.
My brain went up in flames.
Angus was staring at me with an expression on his face I’d never seen before. I dropped John’s hand and moved away from him, letting people move between us. The other Lost Kids minus Roger and Ellis came into focus, but none of them had seen me yet. Angus was back with them, post–Liv breakup. And he looked like himself again—no more cleaned-up version.
Oh shit. What were they doing? They weren’t supposed to be together in a group like this. It didn’t look like Angus could resist breaking the rules. He was back out in the world, craving action.
Angus wouldn’t look away from me. I had no choice but to meet his eyes and edge closer to him, pretending I wasn’t scared by how he was looking at me—like he now had a different opinion of me. I had something on the Lost Kids, discovering them disobeying Novak like this, but it didn’t compare with what I was doing. How in the world could I have been so stupid?
“Julia,” Paul said, surprised. The four Lost Kids paused, waiting to see how Angus handled me. They were wondering if they still needed to be angry with me. What was the point? They were back to doing what they wanted to do. None of them besides Angus had seen me all over John.
“Hi,” I heard myself shout, doing my best to pretend Angus hadn’t seen what he’d seen. The jostle and the murmur of the crowd made it hard to have a conversation. “What are you doing here?”
Why wasn’t Angus saying anything? I could feel John watching me, and I prayed he’d stay back in the crowd. Of course the boys would recognize John from Barton Springs. The crowd started to move again. More people filled in the space between the Lost Kids and me.
It wasn’t like Angus to be quiet, and it was scaring me even more than if he acted like he was having a field day with my dirty secret. Did he not hear my question? After a long moment he spoke. “Same thing you’re doing. Not following the dictator’s orders.” Angus looked over my shoulder. Shit.
John was next to me and then in front of me, aggressively moving face-to-face with Angus.
“I know you,” Angus said to him.
“I know you,” John said right back. “You’re the asshole who lied to the police about me. Thanks. I appreciated that.”
“You’re more than welcome.” What the hell? They stood looking at each other, and while I knew they weren’t going to fight, something was going on. The other Lost Kids watched this outsider, taller by a few inches, stand up to Angus. They simultaneously moved in closer.
And then the craziest thing happened. Angus turned away first. “Bye, Julia,” he said. He raised his eyebrows at me. “Have fun.”
I wasn’t sure why he hadn’t outed me. I watched them melt away into the crowd, Sebastian looking at me over his shoulder, confused by what had just transpired.
So this was what it felt like to blow your life to bits.
It was like my mind wouldn’t work with my two realities in the same space, like they couldn’t exist together. That had been my mistake. I had lied to myself that they never would. I had acted like I was the puppet master who had total control over keeping them apart.
I followed John out of the park. I had shut down completely. I had no idea what to do.
My word against Angus’s. The Lost Kids would believe anything Angus said. But I had plausible deniability in case it ever got to Novak. I was confident Novak would side with me—clearly he already disliked Angus: he wouldn’t let Angus near his precious daughter. I tried to imagine Angus telling Novak, but as I slowly began to surface from the swirl of thoughts in my head, in my heart I knew the Lost Boys would never say anything. We had too much history.
I became aware of John again.
John had known I’d been trying to distance myself from him. He had stayed apart from me, even during his confrontation with Angus. You would think I would drop John immediately after getting caught. That I cared how John felt at this point was insane.
I couldn’t believe that John had gotten in Angus’s smug face. I wished he hadn’t. I wished he had remained anonymous, blended into the crowd behind me. But a little part of me admired him even more. John had reminded me of his dad. He had that same quality of commanding respect.
John wouldn’t look at me. Rivulets of mud were running down my legs, and I could feel my surroundings seep back into my consciousness as we walked farther and farther from the park. Now I was all too aware of the crowds, the rain adding to the chaos, the atmosphere wild and party-like.
In my own defense, I’d had to pretend I wasn’t with John. It was for his own safety. I couldn’t believe that out of thousands of people, I’d ended up face-to-face with Angus. Maybe the boys hadn’t seen me kissing John—maybe the crowd had been big enough—but I had seen in Angus’s crystal eyes the click of recognition and the mortifying knowledge of what he now had on me forever, delivered to his doorstep by yours truly.
It was close to eleven. I had to concentrate to keep up with John’s long strides. I could tell he was keeping tabs on me, looking slightly over his shoulder out of the corner of his eye. Even when he was angry with me, he was protective. I’d just smashed his pride. I knew how he felt since it was an emotion I was all too familiar with—that someone wanted you out of sight.
I couldn’t leave him with that feeling. He didn’t deserve it. I didn’t want to hurt him. I would try to find a way to explain before I broke things off.
“John!” My voice came out strange and hoarse, forcing him to look at me. He slowed but didn’t give me anything else. I had to give him credit—he played mad well. He shut down and moved on. He never looked at Tom or Sarah after he’d discovered the cheating. Not because he was angry. He no longer cared.
When we got to the next block, we were almost alone. Under the glare of the yellowed streetlight, John’s house came into view, but my relief that he would now be forced to talk to me dissipated when I saw Alex and a small crowd of friends gathered in the driveway in spite of the rain. Dammit.
It turned out John wasn’t in any hurry to drive me home. He held court simply by hanging out, his silent presence beckoning others to him. I looked off into the distance and decided to outwait him. Eventually he had to walk over to ask if I needed a ride.
I stood back a bit, leaning against a random car while the group of about seven, including Alex, August, Chris, and their friends, all talked to John. Everyone—except John and me—hadn’t come down from the high of the concert yet, and you could feel the music and the afterglow of the immense crowd vibrating through them.
John talked almost exclusively with a girl who seemed to be a friend of August’s. I watched him try to make me jealous. His anger obviously wasn’t so cold after all.
I tried to see John through this sixteen-year-old girl’s eyes. I realized I’d been living a teenage fantasy, knowing exactly what John Ford was thinking. What made him so incredibly attractive was how much of an asshole he could have been, with his looks, his intelligence, his athleticism. So much seemed to come easily to him.
What made me mad was that it was getting to me. Watching him with another girl—and this wasn’t the first time—I had this gnawing thought that I counted on John thinking I was everything. It had become something I needed.
/> I had to go. Now. I would just leave things where they stood before they got worse. I turned to go and felt my movement catch John’s attention.
I was so focused on John that at first I didn’t react when I saw the yellow Lamborghini Aventador slip to the curb in front of the house. It just seemed so incongruous to see Angus’s dad’s car in front of John’s home.
I hadn’t felt him coming, but he’d certainly found me. I should have known this was how Angus would react. He wouldn’t leave this alone. It was too tempting to come and fuck with me. And them.
The group stopped talking, the head-turning car doing just that—turning heads. Everyone seemed to lean forward. Angus rolled down the window. I moved as fast as I could down the driveway.
Angus was alone, thank God. I was sure I’d see the five boys together, excited to flex their superiority, ready to tease me. When I leaned down, elbows on the window, I hoped to block everyone behind me from Angus’s view.
What I saw in Angus’s eyes was the opposite of what I expected. He wasn’t here to threaten me or mock me. “What are you doing? This is dangerous for all of us.” Angus looked like he wanted to understand. Like he thought I needed help.
For a second I had the same old sensation of wanting to lean on him, that he was the only one who understood me and maybe I could explain this to him. I wanted to say, “I don’t know.” Instead I said, “It’s fine.”
His eyes turned cold before they became taunting. “This is not fine. That dude, Julia?” His laugh came out strangled and mean.
I suddenly realized Angus had the look he would get when I flirted innocently with one of the other Lost Kids. He never liked it. He was actually jealous.
I straightened up, taken aback. It seemed like Angus was confused also, like he didn’t know exactly why he’d come and he wasn’t thinking straight. I wondered if a part of him wanted me and that’s what made him get in the car and concentrate his efforts to come find me.
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