“He’s going to serve short to your backhand.”
He whipped around at the sound of my voice. I was in the shadows, in the top row of the stands, partially hidden. I stood up, situating myself deeper in the dark.
“Ford! Come on!” They were already calling him back. His heart was racing, but now it was from pure adrenaline.
John stood frozen in place. Being near him, I could tell he was having a hard time sleeping at night. John’s perceptions of his surroundings were different now that his world had changed to gray.
I’d been hoping his shock had turned to hate by now, knowing this would be easier if I couldn’t read him.
I carefully stepped down the rows and came to a standstill three steps above him. I’d transformed myself in a very short amount of time—hair cut short and dyed jet-black again.
“Ford! Now!” I realized they couldn’t see me standing in the dark. Now that he’d stopped moving, he must have been getting cold, his sweat making it worse.
I held my gloved hands together in front of me to stop them from shaking. “You have to go. I just came to say good-bye. I’ve gone back to my old school.”
He knew me well enough to know that his not saying anything was making me nervous. I had trouble looking him in the eye. He just watched me. I wished I were anywhere else.
She’s really doing this when I can’t talk? This particular moment. She’s such a coward.
I couldn’t help it. I audibly sucked in my breath when I heard that. I tucked my hair behind my ear and looked at the ground. I realized he had caught a glimpse of the three Cartier diamond love bracelets on my wrist—jewelry that I knew seemed laughable on a teenager. I lifted my eyes to meet his, as if to say, See? I’m looking at you, and a crazy energy flowed between us. My gaze slipped away again. I couldn’t look at him and maintain my Jaynes persona at the same time, not when he looked at me like he could see right through me.
“Are you forfeiting?” the other players yelled.
“You need to go.” After an uncomfortable second I stepped off the bleachers. Completely out of character, my foot caught and I swayed, accidentally falling against John. He automatically put up his hands to steady me and caught my wrist. I was against his chest for a breath. All of our usual insane chemistry was there. He didn’t move, hoping that the contact would bring me back to my senses.
I quickly said, “Excuse me,” and he let go of me like I was on fire.
I walked away from the courts, into the dark. Knowing he was watching, I unlocked the car, and it glowed to life. A new BMW, not my old Prius. It was like I’d been let into the club.
“Julia!” I heard him yell hoarsely. I paused imperceptibly but didn’t turn around. He called out, “It all fucking happened.”
I kept walking. I felt it when John saw him—Angus—in the passenger’s seat. I knew it would seal the deal, that John would know this was who I wanted. Someone perfect. That he’d been right all along.
I let myself into the car, and in seconds we were driving away. There was no sign I’d ever been here. There was no real sign we’d ever been together.
As my car tunneled off into the night, I finally let him go. It felt like we’d been physically connected for the past two and a half months and now the connection was severed. We were spinning far, far away from each other.
“Thanks for helping me,” I said to Angus.
Angus stared impassively out the windshield. “Sure. He won’t be coming back.”
“I think I broke him.”
“You had to,” Angus said.
I mentally cut the cord, and that world no longer existed.
I told myself school was glorious. Compared with Austin High’s severe architecture and subsequent cheap fixes, our school was a country club.
In some ways being back was better than I had imagined. I no longer carried the shame of being isolated from the group. It was like being in the right country, where everyone spoke my language—that higher level of frequency that my family communicated on. It felt so good to have that kind of understanding. No more slow, deliberate conversations communicating the obvious, making sure I sounded right, no more feeling so isolated from other people. It was effortless.
And the beauty. It wasn’t just everyone’s sheer physical beauty. They all seemed to radiate something that gave you a high just from being near them. It was to a lesser extent than with Novak, but each and every member gave off that energy in varying shades. I could feel it much more strongly after having been away.
Things weren’t exactly the same as when I left; everyone was more subdued. Life as we knew it was about to end, and everyone wanted to make sure they would be included on the ride. But there was a last-day-of-school excitement in the air too. If I could guess, we would be leaving around Christmas.
Everyone accepted my presence. It said something that Novak had brought me back. I carried an expensive bag and wore the nicer clothes in my closet. My hair was black again, but otherwise I’d toned everything down and resembled my stepmother and Liv more than a Lost Kid.
While I didn’t dare hang out with the Lost Kids, I carefully maintained my place, making sure I hung back in class and in sports. I had grown up thinking I had to strive and be the best in everything in order to fit in. That hadn’t done me any good. Now I knew how important it was to fade into the background, where I wouldn’t draw attention to myself and disturb the ecosystem. That was my best chance for moving on with my family.
Whenever I saw the Lost Kids during the course of the school day, they were only in twos. No groups. They seemed quiet and cleaned up. But after seeing them at the festival, I knew it was an act. Except for Ellis and Roger. They had actively distanced themselves from the other Lost Kids, as ordered. I saw them constantly searching out Angus with their eyes, though. I missed the old days of hanging out with the Lost Kids, when I felt like I had a group and a sort of identity, feeling free in my own way.
I stayed away and they took the hint. If they were being reckless, I couldn’t join them. As a result my rashes were terrible. I had zero release, but there was no way I was going to do anything that would make the rashes go away. I kept telling myself nothing was worth jeopardizing what I’d gotten back.
Angus, however, was in my life again. In class he always entered at the last minute, looking like he had just rolled out of bed. His bloodshot eyes would meet mine. We had always had a flirtation and an odd mutual understanding, but now it felt like we were partners of a different kind. He knew more about me than anyone else, and still he was being cooler than he’d ever been, accepting me back without missing a beat. The only thing he didn’t know was what the FBI agents had said to me that day.
During the day I convinced myself I was living the dream. Night was a different story. It was harder for me to hold my thoughts back. Those moments just before I fell asleep were the worst. I told myself this feeling that I was missing a part of myself had to do with suppressing my abilities. It wasn’t because of John.
I also tried to tune out the constant replay of my conversation with the FBI agents. Once morning came, however, thoughts that had run through my head seemed irrational.
Every time I left my driveway, I’d see work vans parked along Scenic and wonder if they were watching us. I couldn’t let them mess with my head. I was so close. I was doing so well here. As long as I could operate perfectly within their framework, and Novak never discovered what I’d done while I was away, I’d make the cut. This was all I’d ever wanted, I told myself. This was enough.
My greatest comfort was knowing Liv had a say, whether she knew it or not. Happy Liv meant happy Victoria. If I was left behind, I didn’t think Liv would forgive them. Even though she was behaving like a complete bitch.
In my first week back, Angus grabbed my arm, pulling me as I walked down the hall to the next class. I yanked my arm back.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
I kept walking. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn�
��t need to answer to him.
“Hey! Why are you acting like that?”
“Acting like what?” I was annoyed, but we were speaking softly and quickly. Our friends in the hall were speaking in the same manner, so fast and low that outsiders couldn’t hear. To the other students, it must have looked like mass mumbling.
“Like you’re not the smartest one in the room. Of all of us.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. You’re still pretending.”
“Novak never gave me permission to do everything I can do. I just need to stay off the radar.”
“Aren’t you sick of pretending, Julia?” Since I’d been back, Angus had been more sour than usual. I didn’t blame him, since Novak had knocked him back down the social ladder after his attempt to date Liv. Angus was the one in isolation now—forced to stay at home anytime he wasn’t at school. Like a wolf that needed to roam, though, he snuck out whenever he could.
“Since when haven’t we had to pretend, Angus? We’re always pretending. All of us. Hopefully we’ll do less of it in the next place.”
“For a few years, maybe. Everyone’s whispering that Relocation’s going to be different this time, but really? Some things will never change,” he said bitterly.
“It is the way it is. And let me tell you, it’s a lot less pretending here than it is out there.” I waved a hand in the direction of Austin High.
“You seemed happy,” he said.
I let that go and started walking.
“Julia.” I could tell from his tone that he was sorry. He stopped and I turned around. Liv was standing in the doorway of a classroom, watching us. She turned her back after shooting Angus a semblance of a dirty look. I was aware that we looked like we were having a lover’s quarrel.
Angus saw Liv’s reaction but didn’t seem to care. In fact he seemed to have moved on from Liv completely.
“How’s that going?” He nodded in Liv’s direction.
“Not great.”
“What’s up?”
“She’s been cold since I’ve been back. I’m not sure why she’s the one being cold to me,” I said, annoyed. Angus was the only person who knew I had any issues with Liv. Since I’d been back, Liv was either ignoring me or challenging me. It made me want to smack her. “I’m sure it has to do with you and me being friends. Even though you were my friend first.”
“And that you wanted me first,” Angus teased.
“Shut up,” I said, but I laughed. He was so incredibly cocky, it was funny. We smiled at each other, which might’ve made things worse if Liv happened to still be watching.
“Have you heard from him? John…,” Angus said, testing the name and testing me.
The question caught me off guard. It took me a second to recover. He had to stop. I took a step toward Angus, my face close to his, almost like I was going to kiss him. He didn’t move a muscle.
“Angus,” I said as softly and meaningfully as I could, “it never happened.”
We held eyes and I willed him to get it.
He moved first, but it was to kiss my cheek. “Heard that.”
I wouldn’t think about him, I wouldn’t think about him.
Two weeks later, our lives changed abruptly. We were told we were done with school and that we needed to stay home. If we went out, we needed to tell someone where we were going, and we needed to stay close.
At first it felt exciting, like we were preparing to leave for a trip. After days went by, though, the mood changed. It began to feel like we were languishing in a compound, waiting for the FBI to bust through the door. I began to see my same rash appear on Liv, and even on some of the adults who came by the house, as if something was building up in their system from being restricted. You could feel the frustration with Novak increase by the day: What were we waiting for? Why were we still here?
Novak had clearly relocated headquarters from his office to the house. Only the members of his inner circle came to see him. When I was in the vicinity of Novak’s office, I’d hear fragments of the same general argument every time—Novak defending his position on why we hadn’t left yet. From what I overheard, Novak wanted more time to get a last piece in place.
I wasn’t worried until I heard about Kendra. I’m not sure I ever would have found out if I hadn’t been at dinner with Novak at the time. We were gathered at the dining room table—Novak, Victoria, Victoria’s parents, Liv, and myself. I was feeling proud that I’d been asked to join them.
“Novak.” All of us looked up at Lati, Angus’s father, standing in the doorway with George’s father, Darien. Novak immediately stood and followed them out of the room.
When Novak came back moments later, Victoria looked at him questioningly. He shook his head at her.
“What is it?” demanded Victor, who was Victoria’s father. He was still vigorous and youthful looking. The older generations were our most dangerous giveaway—their longevity, their resistance to disease. Puris exceeded the life expectancy of normal humans by twenty years easily.
Like it was a simple matter, Novak stated only a tad regretfully, “Kendra’s dead.”
“What? How?” Liv asked.
“Girls, time to go,” Victoria said.
In a very un-Novak moment, he flatly said in front of us, “She tried to jump our fence and was electrocuted. It was a problem in the hookup. There must have been a live wire. Darien was reviewing our security and alerted Lati. Don’t worry. It’s being handled.”
“What about the police?” I asked, stunned.
“They won’t find out. We’re taking care of it.”
Like, disposing-of-her-body taking care of it? “But won’t her family come looking for her?” I asked.
“We’ll be long gone by then.”
“Will they ever know what happened to her?” Liv asked.
“Enough,” Victoria said. Liv and I looked at each other. There was something so wrong about Kendra’s family not knowing she was dead. I would never have guessed that Novak would do something like this and the rest of the family would go along. There had to be a way to get word to Kendra’s parents. Otherwise, they would spend the rest of their lives searching.
Victor spoke up. “I’m done—with the lawsuits, the broken families, the suicides. Just let it go, Novak.” Victoria’s father was the only person I’d ever seen disrespect or corner Novak.
Novak looked at Victor coldly. “For two decades I’ve been executing this plan. I haven’t come all this way for our people to end up in a beautiful casket. We need to continue our line. And we need them to do it.”
It was the babies again. And the fact that there weren’t any.
“We’ll be together. Maybe that’s enough,” Victoria said—astonishingly, siding with her father.
“What’s all this been for if we’re just going to let ourselves end? I’m telling you, I know this from my visions. These lost souls are drawn to us—to me—for a reason. Some outsiders have our genes already, but the traits are dormant. If we apply just the right amount of stress, if we surround them, these traits will reveal themselves.”
“Novak, do you want to be arrested on federal charges? You have nobody else cultivated—male or female—and we need to leave. No one thinks it’s a good idea, even if they seem to have similarities to us. You made a compelling case for taking Kendra with us on Relocation, but then look: the same thing happens every time. There aren’t others like us.” Victor waved his hand in the direction of the backyard.
“There are. I feel it,” Novak said.
“You aren’t hearing what I’m saying. These people you identify are only outsiders and none of us want them. We don’t want to dilute our blood.” There was a dark pause, and maybe it was paranoia, but I felt like Victor purposely wouldn’t look in my direction.
I looked down at the napkin in my lap, staring at the pattern and texture, realizing the position of Novak’s assistant had been slotted for someone he identified as a lost soul with the potential to evolve into one
of us. They needed breeders essentially. I felt resentment to my core. Novak had really been willing to take Kendra, but he’d threatened me, his own daughter, about needing to earn the privilege?
Novak leaned forward, changing tactics and recapturing his patience. In his charming, coaxing manner, he said, “No one will be sorry. I promise you. I’m almost there.”
Ultimately I didn’t even know how anyone could wrestle a plan away from Novak. All of us were at the mercy of his decisions. Everyone at the table seemed to comprehend this at the same moment, and for the rest of dinner there was only silence.
In the days following I stayed at the house, not wanting to ask Victoria permission to go out only to be denied. If I wasn’t in my room, I was down at our dock, staring at the lake, trying to counter the ominous feeling in the house that this exit wouldn’t go according to plan.
To make things worse, a couple of days after that dinner, I was positive someone had been in my bedroom when I wasn’t there. After walking around the property, I returned to my room, and as soon as I entered something in the air felt different, like someone had just left. Nothing was out of place, but I instinctively knew my things had been touched. I picked up my phone and knew someone had held it minutes before.
I scrolled through quickly to see if there was anything incriminating Victoria might have found. I’d erased texts and phone messages the moment I’d arrived home that day after the FBI questioned me at my school. I had only one photo of him, but I knew it was obscured and no one would be able to tell who it was. I never planned to look at it again, but I also didn’t delete it. If I went to delete it, I’d have to see it.
Relieved, I knew there was nothing there. I almost put the phone aside when something bothered me. I stared at the phone. A moment later it dawned on me.
Petrified, I scrolled down, down until I saw it: Deleted Messages. They were all there. I’d never completely discarded them. It had been thoughtless, just like everything else I’d done while I was away.
I walked over to my door and locked it softly, then slowly sat down on the very edge of my bed. I turned the volume to the lowest setting and held the phone to my ear, forcing myself to listen to the only three messages he’d ever left me.
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