by Ralph Nader
If truth be known, the TRIAD realized from the start that if the door opened wide to the domesticates, so many of them with so many facets of their lives and interactions with humans, would entirely crowd out the priorities of the wild animals. Just imagine what is contained in one set of facts: “In 2012, Americans alone spend $53.3 billion on pet products, more than $12 billion of that for supplies and over-the-counter medicine,” according to the American Pet Products Association. In other words, domesticates took up a good bit of humans’ time but the ferals, also clamoring for place on the show, felt domesticates had already hogged enough screen time. For goodness’ sake, they’d even had a segment on dog defecation.
As something of a mollifying gesture, and billed as part of goal one, getting respect for animals, the TRIAD chose a domesticate, a real human-crowd pleaser, not a downtrodden farm animal, but a prize winner.
They invited to the stage orb, the winner of the Kentucky Derby.
“Hello, I am ORB, the fast racehorse who didn’t quite make the Triple Crown, but the Derby is enough for my satisfaction. Soon I will be put out to retirement on a comfortable farm where I will be pampered only to perform as a stud. My owners made a lot of money from me and, while I am well taken care, much is demanded of me and I’m subjected to too many injections. Sometimes I think my jockey and my trainer understand how terrified racehorses are in front of roaring crowds, having to perform at a level of unimaginable intensity next to lots of other horses who can bump or trip one up. Danger, failure, and terminal injury are all risks during that minute and a half.
“Don’t get me wrong; I, ORB, a winner, am not about to say that all this is cruelty to racehorses that are winners. It is just the forgotten losers and the retirees for whom I call on you to be more sympathetic and empathetic.
“Oh, humans, I sense that many of you love horses and believe they are intelligent and sometimes seem to have a sixth sense. Please keep being good to all of us as we continue to be faithfully good for you.”
Most American viewers had seen or heard of ORB’s magnificent first place finish at the 2013 Kentucky Derby. They were thrilled to see the horse and hear his thoughtful observations. He had a mellowing effect on them and, though he had softly chided human treatment of horses, they took it advisedly.
An Announcement to Whet Appetites
By this time, interest in the variety offering was waning, but luckily the TRIAD had allowed an enterprising rabbit to gather material for a special segment he had proposed. He had taken some already recorded material and commissioned some new material, all to be part of the the Great Animal Sex Extravaganza.
The TRIAD, looking for a resurgence in ratings, announced that it was almost time for a major two-hour program on the mating and love habits of mammals, aquatic life, birds, and insects in live and active color, and rated XXX.
The human planet, as expected, went wild with anticipation, jokes, text messages, cartoons, and thoughts of outright voyeurism. Viewers were told they might have to shield children, but that this would not be animal pornography. For the TRIAD’s announcement added that the tone would be generally serious, with some light moments.
Truth was, this programming would greatly diminish the widespread view of nature’s mating as an expression of reckless “animal spirits,” so decried in Puritan-age jeremiads. In fact, the TRIAD hoped to show just the opposite: that animal sex is mostly more restrained and far less obsessive than human sex, and animal love far more fascinating and nurturing than most humans are aware.
Human News Stations I
While most of the human world who could watch any screen was glued to the TALKOUT, there were those who kept checking the human news stations. Not surprisingly, these stations were filled with the latest animal news. One station picked up a report from Mother Jones, which told of how in the spring of 2013 a van crossed from Russia to Inner Mongolia. Chinese customs officials, who stopped it for a routine check, discovered something packed inside the wheels and spare tire. Two hundred thirteen severed bear paws, worth about half a million dollars, which are used as cooking ingredients or expensive gifts. Imagine the short life of the legless bears!
If a human flipped to another channel, he or she would hear about something on the other side of the world in California. Terra Firma Farms is devoted to raising joyful pigs, cattle, and chickens on lush perennial grasses in open pastures. The Smith family farm is beyond organic. It is biodynamic or, as Ms. Smith puts it, “We’re growing the soil that grows the grass that feeds the animals.”
What do the animals think about the place? A cow called it “cow paradise.” The pig looked up and said it was “pig heaven.” Then a chicken came along and said that all the animals get along beautifully. “Our chickens,” she chirped, “even go to a sow in labor and drop an egg near her mouth for some additional nutrition.” With a lift of her head, the chicken remarked, “We only have one bad day and never have to regret it, knowing that we’ll give humans at least one good meal.”
Less inspiring was the feature story on another human broadcast, which discussed shark tournaments. A great white shark, who had been clued to turn on the human channel by one of her sister sharks, explained to his children what they were watching: “Humans actually offer money prizes for the biggest sharks caught and then hung unceremoniously by their tail. Why us? Because of the movie Jaws, maybe, or just due to the exaggerated scary stories about shark attacks. Maybe it is because we take no prisoners and perform like flexible slicing machines. You know shark phobia.
“Well, seeing us piled up in dumpsters—pretty grisly human activity—some environmentalist came along with a great idea—‘catch and release.’ All it took was a circle hook that caught sharks but did not seriously injure us. So now at Montauk, Long Island, the shark hunting club catches, pictures, and measures us, and then throws us back into the deep. I hope the idea spreads to other shark hunting tournaments before the fishermen come and find none of us are around anymore.”
Of course, other, more conservative channels were still putting on news about the nuisances animals could be. In one news flash, an agitated San Diego mayor spoke of the state of emergency he declared because of the foul guano piling up as gulls, pigeons, pelicans, cormorants, and others relieve themselves. He stated he is applying guano-eating bacteria that digest animal feces. The odor is overwhelming in the cove that is home to expensive restaurants and mansions. Fortunately, the bacteria are getting the job done. It’s working. Tourist life in La Jolla cannot be denied.
Variety Is the Spice
Meanwhile on the TALKOUT, in the run-up to the animal sex special, it was back to the regular variety programming. More on goal one. All honor to animals. In this case, the honor was being offered by humans to a rare animal.
Lonesome George, the giant Galapagos tortoise and the last of his subspecies, had died, making global news because he was known around the world from nature TV shows and millions of tourists’ pictures and videos. He was about one hundred years old and five or six feet long, weighing two hundred pounds.
The last of the Pinta Island subspecies, Lonesome George earned his nickname after sailors in the nineteenth century had hunted down most of his fellows for food. The arrival of wild goats in the 1950s added to the tortoises’ woes by taking away their food, such plants as the local cactus.
Lonesome George only gave one interview, having been coaxed by a friendly goat to go on camera when he was only eighty. “Yes, I am a giant tortoise and the only one left in my subspecies. How would you humans like to be the last one standing? It is very lonely, makes me sad and shy. I’m supposed to live for two hundred years but I’m fearful about no one else carrying on the gene pool and losing it forever. I cannot mate, cannot share life with my kind. It’s the equivalent of humans in solitary confinement, except I’ve done nothing wrong except live.” Humans swore they saw a tear slip from George’s right eye.
The TRIAD, noting the aura of sadness among human watchers, knew the programming nee
ded a quick pickup and they got it in the form of a pigeon announcing a startling research project by humans to atone and “de-extinct” the historic passenger pigeon. About one hundred years after the last passenger pigeon, Martha, died in 1914 at the Cincinnati Zoo, there was an effort to revive the species.
The effort by biologists is being funded by the group Revive and Restore. The idea is to take passenger pigeon DNA from museum specimens and meld them with genetic fragments from the band-tailed pigeon.
A band-tailed pigeon alighted on the stage and explained:
“I, the band-tailed pigeon, welcome this honorable initiative to atone for the passenger pigeon holocaust that in the nineteenth century destroyed literally billions of passenger pigeons. Biologist Ben Novak tells me he is confident that ‘making the passenger pigeon genome right now will be easier than making the first living passenger pigeon hatch from an egg.’”
The pigeon continued: “Breeding our historic cousin may be the easier part of the revivification effort. Where is the habitat for the passenger pigeon? Much of its wintering forest habitat is gone along with the beech mast, the nuts of a beech tree, which it ate.
“The other problem, I fear,” said the band-tailed pigeon, “is that only massive flocks of pigeons could survive, because they are so individually vulnerable to other carnivores that huge numbers are needed to result in survivors who can then lay their eggs. Five million birds is the minimum flock size, unless, that is, human conservationists can keep the predators away like they do at considerable expense for the rare whooping cranes.
“It depends on how deep is the sense of atonement by humans,” concluded the pigeon with a sad but hopeful look in her eyes. She added that some pigeon specialists are warning that there were too many pigeons—five billion in North America before the white man came, outstripping their habitat and resulting in a species implosion. “Little do they know that overpopulation is the least of our worries. Do they have any idea of what it is like being a pigeon, with all the old and new predators, day in and day out?” she concluded.
Human News Stations II
An animal media analyst working for the TRIAD noticed that the human stations, desperately trying to compete with the TALKOUT, had hit on shooting for one audience segment, those with low attention spans. So they were staying on the topic of the day, animals, but with quick bits and short sound bites.
He noted a few examples. One was an odd fact about oysters. The human announcer said, “The oyster is the pride of the animal kingdom for how it helps humans and their emissions. One grown oyster filters as much as fifty gallons of water every day. All the oysters ask of humans is that they drive away the cownose rays that eat them.”
Meanwhile, a show about word origins was stating, “Humans use the word ‘looney’ apropos of the erratic behavior of the loons. Really, folks,” the sympathetic human said, “let’s see if you can dive one hundred fifty feet underwater and remain there for several minutes looking for your next meal.”
Another station was focusing on the annual swim of the “wild” herd of 130 horses from Assateague Island to Chincoteague Island, off the coast of Virginia. The announcer couldn’t believe the number of human onlookers with cameras. It only took five minutes to cross the Assateague Channel and it was pouring torrential rain, but starting at dawn the first of thirty-five thousand people, from all over the country, staked out their spots.
Two ponies who had short attention spans had tuned in to this human broadcast. “Why?” one pony asked the other.
“What is the fascination?” replied the other pony. “Do thirty- five thousand Americans show up to do something about the thousands of children and adults who drown every year? I don’t get it.”
A warbler appeared to thank humans for ending the pernicious practice of stuffing dead songbirds into the hats that women used to wear for a few years after 1886 when the practice started and became a form of grisly high couture. “But for your prohibition, I might have ended up a preserved, dried form on top of the hat of some lady strolling down Fifth Avenue in New York City.”
Revolt of the Prairies
The TRIAD had many programs that had been prerecorded, but, as noted, there were many more than could fit in their time frame and so many animals whose segments had not been aired so far were chafing at the bit to go before the world.
The challenges had been increasing ever since the grand revolt of the insects, who had demanded and then received the right to strut before the world. The TRIAD started talking about what could be done to both calm the tumult and rechannel it toward the overall purpose of the TALKOUT, which, by now, had matured far beyond its flattery-cum-kindness equation.
The most immediate problem was a revolt on the American prairies.
Demanding equal time—an argument picked up from human candidates’ actions at election time—a cluster of bees, grouses, mule deer, water fowl, and prairie chickens gathered on shrinking plains in North Dakota to speak to the loss of the habitat due to ranchers converting their land to crops, such as corn used for ethanol. They were getting a groundswell of support from other animals, so, like it or not, the TRIAD felt they must air their complaints.
They came from all over to the gathering, fear in their expressions, fear of extinction. A group of unarmed hunters stood in quiet support. One of them said that the animals had a point: “There’s been an eighty percent loss of habitat for some of this wildlife. They’re being squeezed,” he said, arching his eyebrow. “Moving cattle out of the area often preserves the native grass that attracts ungulates and birds. Why can’t the people understand that; the mule deer do,” he concluded.
“It’s the curse of the corn ethanol, the federal subsidy, and high commodity prices to make it more profitable to convert to cropland,” observed another hunter.
The gathering of animals was elated that humans, virile hunters, were speaking on their behalf. The bees weren’t so naïve, telling their fellow protestors: They’re just doing this to save you so that they can continue to kill some of you during hunting season.
Whereas the grouse replied: “Better that some of us be sacrificed, than that all of us disappear,” keeping to itself the fact that some bird species were being poisoned by the lead scattered by the hunters’ bullets.
A prairie chicken fluttered and urged all to make their distinctive noises in unison to indicate agreement with the hunters’ viewpoint. They did. And the first Native American tribes of the great prairie took notice and expanded new renewable wind energy to save that heritage of their ancestors.
Hyenas Provide a Laugh Track
The Owl frequently consulted with the raven, whose intellect it respected highly, and who used to work for the CIA as a trained spy.
(To give some background on this bird, it can be mentioned that there was a secret operation by the CIA during the Cold War with the Russians to train members of its species to deposit listening devices on ledges of apartment buildings and to warn of enemy ambushes. This same CIA operation wanted to use felines to snoop on human conversations. A lot of animals were involved. According to the Smithsonian Magazine, the director of training for the Navy taught dolphins how to detect submarines. In an otherwise thrilling testimony to animal and insect intelligence, Dr. Bailey says he never met an animal he could not train, even showing how he could provoke from a spider a conditioned response, such as blowing on a spider in its web and turning on the laser; soon just blowing without turning on the light of the laser made the spider hunker down.
There had been some talk of having the raven narrate a segment on this spy stuff. For humans, training animals was a big deal even outside of using them for espionage. There was a so-called IQ zoo after WWII, which trained animals for TV commercials, for example, developing basketball-playing raccoons or macaws who could ride bicycles. The military had even commissioned a report titled “The Use of Arthropods [or bugs] as Personnel Detectors,” which pointed to research on the potential of using the “sensory capabilities o
f insects”— bedbugs, mosquitoes, and ticks—“for the detection of people.”)
The TRIAD, reviewing this material, thought it was going too far, ending animal and insect neutrality and turning them into enemy combatants.
With his spy expertise, the raven possessed advance intelligence of a second big gathering, this one of a gigantic number of African hyenas assembling in Kenya to put on quite a show, a Juvenalian satire aimed at the domesticated dogs of America.
Other animal species observed the rush to this huge assembly from hundreds of miles away. Just watching the sprinting hyenas converging on the show place had them laughing loudly. Here was the problem: while the prairie revolt was confined to the animals and hunters of that region, and so could be ignored, the wily hyenas had managed to get the whole animal kingdom demanding that the TRIAD provide time for this fun-making that would skewer the leading captive species of humans: the domesticated dog.
The TRIAD relented and opened up the software.
LIVE from Kenya! Presenting the Hyena Super-Show: Doggie’s Got the Bone, a Lighthearted Look at Human’s Best Friend, U.S. Version.
The TRIAD was not very happy about having to put this on. Mindful of the terrible reputation and image of hyenas among humans—eaters of carrion and denizens of garbage dumps with a strange reputation for cowardliness—the TRIAD feared a backlash, especially from influential dog lovers.
The original intent of this whole TALKOUT was to flatter humans in order to earn their respect and get them to exercise greater restraint in their relations with animals. That had been their dream, but it was now increasingly replaced by other animal priorities. Things were getting out of control, but how could the TRIAD deny the demand of huge parts of the animal kingdom to see this show? Few animals were aware of the known uncontrollability of hyenas, not to mention their grudges against just about everything living. Moreover, the TRIAD thought, by letting these characters on stage, weren’t they on the verge of opening the floodgates for special demands by other species?