by Amy Sparling
This might be the first time I haven’t immediately told Ashlyn and Bennet about mortifying myself in front of a guy I liked. Usually I rush to them anytime anything embarrassing happens. If it’s particularly bad and it’s kind of a girl thing, I’ll just tell Ashlyn and spare Bennet.
But this time I did nothing.
I kissed Toby and he clearly didn’t want to be kissed. And I haven’t told anyone. I guess some things are so embarrassing they have to stay secrets forever, no matter how much you love your best friends.
Plus, I can already see Bennet’s reaction in my mind. He’d probably laugh at me and tell me that I had it coming for dating someone he doesn’t think I’m good enough to be dating. Ugh.
Toby mysteriously disappears after homeroom, and I don’t blame him. I also don’t look for him after school. When the bell rings, I find Ashlyn outside of the locker room just like always. We walk to Bennet’s car, and although he lifts an eyebrow when he sees me, he doesn’t say anything. I do what I consider Oscar-worthy acting on the ride home. I can’t let them know anything is wrong, so I put on a smile and laugh and their jokes and complain about my science teacher for being a bitch.
The whole thing goes off perfectly, but by the time I get to The Book Attic to work, I’m exhausted from pretending everything is okay.
Aunt Shawna, being the sage older woman she is, knows something is up. She doesn’t say anything but I can tell by the quirk of her eyebrow when I walk in the front door. She knows. Luckily, she’s nice enough to keep it to herself.
She works the front desk while I run around the store, restocking her newest used book purchases. Every time we get three or four of the same book in the teen section, I pull one out to donate to our junior high school library. Two years ago, they had a fire and lost all of their books and there’s no money in the budget to replace them all at once.
I always get excited when we get duplicates at the store of something that’s new and on the best seller list because I know the library will appreciate the donation. I like to think I’m single handedly making some teen’s day when they go to their library and find a great book that I donated to them.
Later, when we’re twenty minutes from closing the shop, all of our customers fade out slowly and it’s just Aunt Shawna and me. “How’s school?” she says while she pulls the hair tie out of her pony tail. She begins twisting her long white hair into a bun that she secures with a pencil. “You ready to graduate?”
I shrug and grab the feather duster under the counter because the shelves behind the register are getting a little dusty. “It’ll be nice to be out of there, but then I have to be a grown up so that’s no fun.”
She chuckles. “It doesn’t happen overnight. You have plenty of time to grow into an adult.”
I nod and focus on dusting off the little glass ornaments she keeps back here.
“I had this boyfriend in high school,” Aunt Shawna says, her voice sounding distant as she recalls the memory. “We were totally in love.”
“Really?” I say, trying not to laugh. “Was it Uncle Michael?”
She smirks and then shakes her head like she’s letting me in on a secret. “Nope. I didn’t meet Mike until I was twenty-one and we got married six months later. Now he was my true love. But back in high school, it was Charles Baxley and I thought I was in love. Head over heels.” She narrows her gaze on me and suddenly I realize what she’s doing. She knows I’m upset, she’s figured out it’s probably about a boy and now she’s going to sneakily give me some advice.
I put the duster back and listen because it turns out that I’d love to hear whatever advice she has. Maybe it’ll help me feel like less of an idiot.
Aunt Shawna shrugs a little. “Charles was sweet and very handsome and I thought I loved him. But it wasn’t until I met Mike that I realized the feelings I had for Charles were just teenage feelings. He was my first love, but not my true love. When Mike and I were together, I could tell him anything.” She points a bony finger at me. “And I mean anything. I never felt embarrassed to tell him something. It never seemed like he didn’t care, because he did. He listened. You find a man who listens, and you keep him, you hear me? Charles was sweet, but your Uncle Mike—he was my true love. You’ll find one too, honey.”
I smile. “Hopefully.”
She puts a warm hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Don’t you worry. Your true love is out there, and you’ll find him. He’ll be the one who listens and who you can truly tell anything to. That’s important, you know.”
Even though I knew she was trying to give me advice from the start, I didn’t think it’d be as profound as it is. She makes a really good point about guys. Toby is just a guy under everything. Yeah, he’s super cute and popular and he’s nice to me. But he’s not true love material. There’s no way I’d tell him anything even remotely embarrassing. I wouldn’t tell him my deepest fears or hopes or dreams. I’d feel stupid.
I actually kissed him earlier and haven’t talked to him since. That’s not love. That’s not anything close to it.
Oddly, I feel better now. So what if I humiliated myself in front of Toby? He’s just a guy I’m going to date in high school. One day I’ll meet my version of an Uncle Mike, and he’ll be the guy I can tell stuff to. He’ll listen and he’ll be there for me no matter what.
My heart warms up at the very idea of this mysterious man. In a way, I already have someone like that in my life, a guy I can tell anything to.
“Thanks Aunt Shawna,” I say, giving her a genuine smile. “That really helps me feel better.”
“Anytime, sweetheart.” She gives me this knowing wink and then begins closing down the register.
I head over to the front door and turn the OPEN sign over, then I lock the front door since I leave out the back on each night. I’m feeling better now that I have a plan for my future. Toby might forgive me for this award day, but he probably won’t stick around forever. I need to find a guy I can trust and talk to. A guy like Bennet.
Chapter 16
Even though I’ve mostly put the stupid kiss out of my mind because I know it won’t make or break my life, I can’t help but feel weird when Toby doesn’t text me at all the next day. I get to school and all the way to lunch and I still haven’t heard from him. I guess I could send him a text, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m not even sure what I’d say.
Hey what’s up?
That sounds too…informal. So instead, I play this stupid acting game where I pretend everything is totally normal and fine and I grab a slice of pizza from the cafeteria line and then sit with Ashlyn and Bennet. They both give me a curious look when I sit next with them, which is stupid because I sit with them all the time.
“What?” I say.
“Not sitting with Toby today?” Ashlyn says.
I shrug. “I think he’s busy with something because I haven’t heard from him.” Even though I’m pretty sure he is absent on purpose, I pretend to glance around to look for him. “This is my lunch spot, after all.”
“Of course it is,” Ashlyn says, offering me a kind smile that makes me think she’ll be asking more questions later.
“Damn,” Bennet says with a shrug as he reaches for a French fry. “I hoped you finally realized he’s not the type of guy you want to date.”
“And what kind of guy is a guy I’d date?” I snap at him.
He shrugs. “A normal one?”
I roll my eyes. “Toby is normal.”
“He’s not even close to normal.”
“That’s enough,” Ashlyn says, holding out a hand to stop us. “There will be no bickering at the lunch table.”
I roll my eyes but we don’t go near the subject again. After lunch, I’m eagerly awaiting homeroom because I’ll see Toby. I need to know what’s going on in his head. Does he hate me now? Is he somehow embarrassed that I kissed him first and maybe he was wanting to make the first move? The not knowing is driving me crazy. I barely pay attention in my classes, and when the b
ell rings for seventh period, I practically fly down the hallways to get to homeroom.
I’m the first one in the class and I sit, my head turned toward the door while everyone trickles in. Toby never walks through the door. For the entire half hour class, I find myself staring at his empty desk, wondering where he is. But it’s a relief to know that he’s not here. Maybe I’m not being ignored after all.
The revelation that he’s not in school gives me enough courage to text him.
Me:Hey, you’re not in homeroom today. Just checking on you
Toby: That’s nice of you. I’m fine, just feeling kind of sick.
Me: I hope you get better soon!
Toby: Me too! Haha
I can’t even describe the relief I feel when Toby texts me that he’s just sick. He’s not ignoring me. He didn’t suddenly change schools to get away from me. He’s just sick. I want to burst out laughing in class because I feel so relieved.
***
I don’t have to fake my happiness for the rest of the day. It feels great knowing everything is fine with Toby. After I’d finally got the courage to text him in homeroom, he’s been back to his usual self. We’ve been texting ever since school got out, so much so that even Bennet glared at me from the rear-view mirror in his car as I texted from his backset for the whole drive home.
Ashlyn, Bennet, and me are all sitting on his porch swing after school. Ashlyn is talking a mile a minute about this new girl Bethany. They’ve now upgraded to talking on the phone in addition to texting.
“No video chat or anything,” Ashlyn says with a little shrug. “I mean, I want to, but I don’t have the guts to ask her, you know? It might be too soon for that kind of thing.”
“I would think video chatting is just like meeting in person,” I say. “Maybe she’s not ready for that.”
“It’s not the same at all,” Bennet says, giving me this look like I’ve gone insane. He shrugs his head to get his hair out of his eyes. “Ash, you totally need to meet this girl soon, before you decide if you like her.”
“Trust me, I already like her,” Ashlyn says, unable to hide her huge grin. “I like her a lot.”
“No, you like the idea of her,” Bennet says. “And if you want to get to know someone, you have to meet in person. It’s just not the same on the phone.”
“Ugh, I can know if I like someone, Bennet,” Ashlyn says, emphasizing his name as if it were a curse word. “Lana, tell him I’m right.”
“She’s right,” I say automatically. But then I shrug. “But Bennet is also kind of right…I mean, you don’t really know someone until you meet them in person. What if she’s like—I don’t know, what if she smells weird? Or her laugh is weird?”
“Or maybe she’s half cyborg and needs to plug into an outlet to charge once a day,” Bennet says with a serious look on his face.
Ashlyn and I both reach over and hit him. He laughs. “I’m just saying.”
“I love you Bennet,” Ashlyn says. “But you never have girlfriends, so your advice is coming from absolutely zero experience.”
He puts a hand to his heart. “Ouch.”
“Aww, Ben,” I say, poking out my bottom lip. I’m in the middle of this swing set sandwich today, so I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. “Don’t listen to mean old Ashlyn.”
Bennet’s head rests on top of mine for a second. “Thanks,” he says softly.
The front door opens and Bennet’s grandma appears, the scent of her delicious homemade cooking trailing behind her. “Staying for dinner, girls? It’s lasagna night.”
Ashlyn and I look at each other. “Yes!” I say, jumping up.
We all settle around the small table in the kitchen and Granny serves us huge portions of lasagna and garlic bread. I eat all of it and only feel a little bit bad about eating like a pig. But these are my friends, so I can get away with it. If I were on a date right now, I’d have to eat a salad or something simple and lady-like. Eating on dates is not fun at all.
The conversation is always subdued when we’re eating with Granny. We talk about school and TV shows and we never mention dating or anything even remotely scandalous. Granny is really sweet and I just can’t picture talking about normal teenage things around her. That’s probably why she tells everyone she knows that we’re the kindest teenagers on the planet.
After dinner, Ashlyn ducks out quickly, making up a lie about having homework to do. We both know she’s really going home to keep talking to Bethany, but we pretend to believe her.
“You wanna hang out a bit?” Bennet says after Ashlyn leaves.
“Sure,” I say. Toby hasn’t texted me in a little while, and we’re not exactly on rush-home-and-talk terms yet, so I have nothing better to do.
In Bennet’s room, I lay back on his bed, fluffing his pillows under my head. He sits on the foot of the bed, changing channels on his TV until he finds something he considers interesting. But it’s a basketball game, so it’s actually not interesting at all.
“What’s been up with you?” I say. “I’m glad you’re not mad at me anymore.”
“I’m never mad at you,” he says, glancing over his shoulder at me.
“Well, you were being a dick.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Uh yes? About Toby.”
He rolls his eyes, finally changing the channel to a rerun of The Simpsons. “I just don’t see you being with that guy.”
“How can you not see it?” I say sarcastically. “You literally use your eyeballs and can see us together.”
“You know what I mean, Lana.” Bennet slides back on his bed until he’s sitting next to me, his back resting against the headboard. “He’s just not someone I would see you with.”
“Well who would you see me with?” I ask, nudging him with my elbow. “Some loser?”
“No,” he says quickly. “You deserve someone better. Better than Toby.”
“I guess that’s nice of you to say.”
He looks over at me, a weird but sincere look on his face. My breath hitches as his gaze locks on mine. His green eyes pierce into my soul, but it only lasts a second. Then he blinks, and he’s back to normal. “Let’s just watch the show,” he says, turning back to the television.
Chapter 17
Toby is back in school the next day. Even though we’ve been texting like normal since yesterday when I got the guts to message him, I’m suddenly freaking out when I see him at lunch.
He’s wearing all black, but he looks like a rock star instead of a goth. Black jeans, black long-sleeved hoodie. When our eyes meet, I actually can’t breathe for a second. I’m standing in the pizza line with Ashlyn and she’s talking about Bethany and how they want to meet up soon. And then there he is.
Toby is walking toward me in all of his handsome glory. Some girl stops him to ask a question and he answers her quickly and then looks back at me. It suddenly hits me how crazy this is. Me, Lana Clarke. I’m a nobody and yet I’m going to prom with Toby Fitzgerald.
How amazing is this?
I want to jump into song and perform a musical dance number right here in the cafeteria, singing about how amazing it is to be a normal girl getting to go to prom with someone like Toby.
And then he’s right here, right in front of me. I step forward in the pizza line and he falls into step with me.
“No fast food today?” I say, wondering why there’s dark circles under his eyes.
He shrugs and looks over at the cashier, an elderly woman who has worked for the school forever. “Not hungry today.”
“Well, I’m starving,” I say with a little laugh.
Ashlyn has been watching this whole exchange, and she gives me a weird look before saying. “Hi, Toby.”
“Hey,” he says, nodding toward her. Then he looks off toward the cafeteria where everyone is sitting. He doesn’t seem to be looking at anything in particular. It’s a little unsettling.
Ashlyn gives me another look and I just shrug, hoping that tells her that I have n
o idea why he’s being weird.
“Are you going to sit with us anyway?” I ask him. “Even though you aren’t eating?”
“Yeah,” he says, looking back at me. Then he flinches. “Actually, uh, I have some work to do in uh, English class. I’ll see you after school, okay?”
“Okay,” I say, but it must come off like a question because he reaches out and touches my arm softly.
“I’ll take you home, okay?”
I nod. “Sure.”
He exhales sharply. “Cool. Yeah, see you then.”
And then he turns and leaves.
“Is that boy on drugs?” Ashlyn says. We’ve reached the front of the line, so we grab some pizza and put it on our plastic trays.
“I don’t think so,” I say, watching Toby as he weaves his way through people, trying to get out of here as fast as possible. “But that was weird.”
“Really weird. What the hell is going on with you two?”
I never told her about the stupid kiss. If I had, we could talk about it now, and blame his behavior on the fact that I kissed him like an idiot. But I didn’t tell her, and now I’m too embarrassed to tell her. Plus, she’ll be upset that I kept something from her. She’s my best friend and she expects me to treat her like it.
I don’t know what else to do, so I just shrug and say, “Maybe he lost some Instagram followers or something.”
Ashlyn laughs and all the weirdness of that encounter with Toby floats away. We head back to our usual table where Bennet is eating leftover lasagna he brought from home.
He’s also wearing a black hoodie today, but he doesn’t look brooding and mysterious like Toby does when he’s wearing all black. Bennet is just Bennet, my best friend. I feel safe around him.
“No lover boy today?” he says between bites of food.
I shrug. “Nah, he had work to do.”
Luckily Bennet doesn’t press the issue. I get the feeling he’s happy enough that Toby isn’t here today and he doesn’t care why.