What she didn’t understand was why her stomach felt so upset at the moment.
25
Rick leaned against the kitchen counter opposite Katie in his small but tidy apartment and started with, “Do you remember last fall when I said I wished I could go back and change a couple of years of my life?”
“Yes.”
“I did a lot of stupid things. I made some pretty bad choices.”
“That was then, Rick. This is now.”
“I know.”
“You’re not the same person you were back then. God has been changing you. He’s forgiven you for whatever happened back then. You’re free to move on to whatever is next.” Katie almost added, “And it just so happens I’m what’s next for you; so move on, buddy.” But she held back because Rick’s expression made it clear he had more to say. He seemed to be skimming over her grace proclamation and clenched his jaw.
“I want to tell you something, Katie, and I need you to hear me out.”
She nodded.
“One of the women I went out with the first year of college contacted me last week. I barely remember her.” He paused. “Actually, that’s not true. I want to keep being honest with you, Katie. The truth is, I remember the way she kissed. I’m a guy, okay? We remember those things. For a long time. It’s like certain moments of physical contact just don’t ever go away. They burn a memory in a guy’s brain.
But you see, the thing is, I don’t remember her personality or the way she laughed. I didn’t even remember her name until she called.”
“How did she get your number?” Katie tried to keep her expression and voice steady.
“I don’t know. She lives in Boston now.”
Katie relaxed a little and attempted to communicate by her posture and expression that Rick could tell her anything.
“Here’s the thing, Katie. Like I said, I didn’t remember anything specific about her.” He attempted a smile. “I have no idea what kind of ice cream she likes, let alone what shape of container she prefers. By my standards now and my current way of measuring a relationship, she and I didn’t have a real relationship. Nothing like what you and I have.”
Rick shifted his position. “I wanted to tell you this because I don’t want anything or anyone from my past showing up one day and freaking you out.”
He moved closer to Katie and touched the end of her hair, rubbing the copper strands between his thumb and forefinger. “What you and I have is real. You’re very real. Everything you say and do is genuine.”
“Well, not everything I say is real. Sometimes I exaggerate.”
“Oh, really?” The lines around Rick’s chocolate brown eyes softened.
“Yeah, and sometimes — just sometimes — I overdo things.”
“Is that right?” His grin warmed his face as he slid his fingers under her chin and tilted her face up toward his.
For a moment the two of them stood fixed in place, gazing into each other’s eyes. Katie felt her heart pounding.
Is this it? Is he going to kiss me? Here? In his kitchen? Is this how Rick intends to change lanes?
All the times Katie had imagined this defining moment of their relationship, it had been in a more dramatic setting. Her favored backdrop for this first kiss was the beach, preferably at sunset. Or in the mountains under sheltering tree branches that were heavy with snow. They would kiss, and then the snowflakes would magically flutter down, enclosing the two of them in a private snow globe of wonder.
Never in her imaginings did she picture the scenery around them to be the dark-stained cupboards and mushroom-colored walls of Rick’s dull apartment kitchen.
Rick tipped his head closer to hers.
Neither of them spoke.
Don’t analyze this, Katie! Just let this moment be what it is.
With her heart thumping all the way up into her ears, in stereo, and with her chin tilted just right, Katie lowered her eyelids like the lowering of the shades over the window of her soul. She could feel Rick’s breath on her closed eyelids and anticipated the touch of his lips on hers.
But the kiss didn’t come.
Peeling open her eyelids, Katie looked at Rick’s dispirited expression.
“What?” she whispered.
“We should wait.”
Katie’s entire being slumped into an exasperated tangle of emotions. She turned away, took two steps to the right, and let out a huff. Then quickly turning back, she came at him. With her open palms, she shoved Rick in the chest the way she shoved the umpire at her last softball game. Her aggressive actions got her benched last spring.
Rick took her shove by stepping back and putting his hands up on top of his head. “I’m sorry. I . . .”
“Don’t be sorry,” Katie blurted out. “Just kiss me!”
“No, not yet,” he said.
“Then when? Rick, it’s been almost ten months. If not now, when?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
His voice rose, matching Katie’s intensity. “I don’t know. It might be ten more months.”
“No! You’re killing me!”
“You think this is easy for me? Come on! I’m trying to do what’s best for both of us. You have no idea how hard I’m trying here. Give me a break!”
“It’s just a kiss, okay?”
“It’s not just a kiss. It means something. It has to mean something. Don’t you see? It means we’re taking the next step, Katie. We’re changing lanes, isn’t that what you call it?”
Katie jutted her chin forward.
“Not every kiss comes with the purest of intentions, Katie.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Even though Katie knew she should keep her mouth shut, she pressed forward. “You stole kisses from me twice, remember?”
“Of course I remember.” His voice came out sounding like gravel. “I told you. Guys don’t forget.”
“Well, girls don’t forget either!”
The air between them went dead. They stared at each other, as if daring one another to blink first.
“Katie, I promised myself the next time I kissed you I wouldn’t steal a kiss from you. I would give you the kiss.”
“So, go ahead.” Her voice toned down to a whisper. “Give me a kiss, Rick. I’ll take it.”
Rick didn’t move for a full thirty seconds. Maybe longer.
He finally let out a huff and rubbed his hand over the side of his jaw. “We shouldn’t have come back here. That’s my doing. I’m sorry. I apologize, Katie. I wanted something about this night to be special for us.”
“Oh, this is ridiculous,” Katie muttered. “Now who’s dissecting everything down to the last molecule? Isn’t that what you say I do? Well, if you ask me, I think both of us have overanalyzed this. We have put far too much significance on one stupid kiss. We set ourselves up for all this tension. We’ve made a solitary expression the apex of our whole relationship. We must be insane!”
“We’re not insane,” Rick said. “We’re trying to do what’s right.”
“Then if we’re trying to be so perfect, why not put a ban on all gestures of affection? I mean, what are we doing holding hands? How intimate is that? And what about the hugs? Maybe we should cut out all hugging while we’re at it. You and I have had some pretty close and cuddly hugs, you know.”
She paused only long enough to catch her breath. “With a stupid kiss, the only part of us that has to officially touch is our lips, right? With a hug, well, hey that’s a whole lot more contact. A hug can be like, what, 50 percent of our bodies touching. Whereas with a kiss, two sets of lips make up only, what, like half a percent body contact. No, more like a sixteenth of a percent.”
“Katie.” Rick’s voice was firm.
“No, don’t try to hush me. It’s time one of us got this out in the open, and I just have to say this. I think being in the slow lane stinks. We’re humans, aren’t we? Physical beings. Aren’t we capable of controlling our stupid passi
ons?”
“Our passions aren’t stupid!” His voice rose.
Katie’s voice lowered. “Okay, so our passions aren’t stupid. That must mean we’re stupid. Is that what you’re saying? You and I are too stupid to be trusted.”
“Katie, you’re way off on this.”
“Am I? Then why are we treating ourselves and our natural desires as if they’re imbeciles and untamable? Isn’t it possible for us to kiss each other and not go wacko? Are we saying we have zero self-control? That’s only in the movies. In real life people manage to express their feelings of passion and affection — with a kiss, all right? — and they also manage to do it without ruining their virginity. Todd and Christy kissed before they got married, and they didn’t get carried away or whatever it is you are so afraid will happen to us.”
“Katie . . .”
“I’m not finished. You seem to think I’m so naive and inexperienced, but I’m not. I had some fairly significant moments with Michael when we were dating. Yes, that was back in high school, and no, I’m not saying he was my model for the ideal relationship or that I’m proud of what happened between us. But I am saying that if you think you’re the only guy who has ever kissed me, Rick Doyle, you are wrong. I know I’m only one of many on your kiss list so — ”
“Katie, don’t go there.” Rick’s expression toughened.
Katie backed down. “You’re right. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”
They remained in their opposite corners, unyielding.
Katie felt as if her whole nervous system was wired for an explosion at any moment. With thick, even words she said, “Here’s the thing. You and I need to figure out how to be ‘us.’ We’re not Doug and Tracy. We’re not coming into this relationship with either of us claiming to be a poster child for purity. We’re us. And I think we should decide what is right for us. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
“We did decide, Katie. We talked this over months ago. Why are you questioning all that now?”
“Because.”
He waited for her to expand her answer.
“Because.” Her voice was back to a whisper. “I really, really, really want you to kiss me. Now.”
Rick didn’t blink. He didn’t move.
Katie stared back. Something overwhelmingly strong inside told her that if Rick wasn’t going to give her what she wanted, she should march right over to his side of the kitchen and take it. All she needed to do was make three decisive steps.
She had seen plenty of scenes like this in the movies. One of the exasperated people, usually the guy, makes a bold move. He takes the girl in his arms; they lock in an eternal embrace. The camera comes in for a close-up of the kiss, and their hearts are sealed forever.
The next scene is always one in which the couple rides off merrily on a motorcycle or feeds each other sushi with chopsticks. That’s what being together as a boyfriend and girlfriend was supposed to look like. Not all this ridiculous arguing in the kitchen.
Katie told herself she could do this. She could take the lead and cross the gap between them in three brazen steps. She would be right there, a millimeter away from his lips, and she would kiss him.
And when she did, she knew everything would change.
26
Katie could feel Christy staring at her from the passenger seat of Baby Hummer.
“So then what happened?” Christy asked.
“I took three determined steps.”
Christy’s eyes widened. “You did?”
“Yeah, but they were three big steps in the opposite direction. I walked out of the apartment.”
“Oh, Katie.” Christy’s shoulders relaxed. “Where did you go?”
“Just around the apartment complex. I considered going to your apartment, of course, but then I wasn’t ready to talk to anybody. So I just walked around and cleared my head.”
“What did Rick do?” Christy’s soft drink cup in her hand was dripping condensation on her lap.
“Nothing. Made me so mad! I wanted him to come running after me, you know? I thought he should scoop me up and make everything all better. But he didn’t come after me. And that ticked me off even more. Nothing about that night went the way it was supposed to. I’m so sick of all the fairy tales. They’re bogus.”
“That’s because you’re not living in a fairy tale. What you’re experiencing with Rick is real life, Katie. This is the true stuff relationships are made of.”
“Yeah? Well, I don’t like it. Why can’t falling in love be sweet, dreamy, and happy like in the storybooks?”
Christy seemed to be trying hard not to let a grin take over her sympathetic expression.
“Oh, please. No,” Katie said, catching Christy’s look. “If you’re going to tell me that true love really is dreamy and happy and that everything changes once you get married, I might be forced to inflict bodily injury on you, and no one would blame me.”
“You don’t know what I was going to say,” Christy said stubbornly.
“I could guess. You had that here-today-gone-to-Maui look in your eyes, and to be honest, I can’t handle any flippant platitudes right now about castles in the cotton candy clouds waiting for me on the other side of my purity vows.”
“I wasn’t going to tell you any flippant platitudes. I don’t think I even know any. What I will tell you, and you need to hear me say this, is that everything does change, in good ways and in bad ways. Everything in the relationship intensifies once you’re married. All the quirks in the other person get quirkier. All the sweetness amplifies too. All the conflict escalates. You wouldn’t believe the insane fights Todd and I have had in the past few weeks.”
Katie leaned back. “Are you serious? You guys have been fighting?”
“Not all the time. But we’ve had a couple of Goliath-sized misunderstandings. Todd says we’re adjusting to each other and figuring out how to be a married couple. I think he’s right, but I still hate arguing with him.”
“I can’t picture you guys having arguments now. I mean, all the tensions are being released, right?”
Christy pressed her back against the car door and looked as if she were trying to decide how to answer. “Yes, many tensions are released. Physically, of course.”
Katie noticed the way Christy’s face took on that familiar understated glow she had whenever she talked about being married.
“It’s not all about the physical part of the relationship, though, Katie. I’m sure you know that.”
“Right now, I don’t know what I know.”
“Yes you do. You know what works and what doesn’t work. You know what lasts and what fades away. You guys are doing really well, Katie. You are.”
“I don’t think so.” Katie sighed and lowered the sun visor on the windshield of Baby Hummer. “Rick and I haven’t talked to each other since Saturday night.”
“You haven’t?”
“Nope.”
“Katie, it’s Monday.”
“I know.”
Christy crumpled up the bag from Archie’s Burgers that contained the remains of her now-cold french fries and uneaten last two bites of chicken sandwich. “Todd has this thing about not letting the sun go down on our anger. He won’t let us go to bed mad. The sooner you and Rick talk, the better it will be.”
“Or the worse it could be.”
This was the first time Katie had pulled out all the details of that disappointing night and talked about them. She could see how the whole night would have gone differently if just one of them had bent a little.
“Rick and I could sit down and talk, but he might say, ‘That’s it. You’re a nut case. I’m out.’ ”
“He might,” Christy said, quickly skimming over the possibility. “Or he might say nothing has changed in his heart and in his head toward you, and he wants to move forward. Rick is a determined man. He has set his affections on you, Katie. I have a feeling it will take more than a tense argument over kissing to get him to change his interest in you.”
“The man has a temper,” Katie said. “But then, so do I. I guess we discovered how stubborn we both could be. We couldn’t even agree on the shape of the ice cream carton. When I went back to Rick’s apartment that night, I saw he had heaved both the cartons into the trash. They were sitting there melting, and I thought, Fine. Whatever. That’s when he wanted to sit down and talk, but I told him I couldn’t right then. So he drove me home in silence. I got out of the car, slammed the door, and left the flowers in his backseat. You’ve heard of mocking birds? Well, I think those were mocking flowers. Maybe the best thing was for us to reach an impasse.”
“No, an impasse is never the best thing. It’s been long enough, Katie. You need to talk to him. And I really hate to say this, but I have to get back to work.”
“I know. I wish you didn’t. I wish we could run away for a while. Couldn’t we go AWOL for the rest of the day? Sunshine like this shouldn’t be wasted on the unappreciative.”
“The weather is perfect, isn’t it?” Christy agreed. “I love late summer days like this.”
Katie started Baby Hummer’s engine and headed back toward the Dove’s Nest. “I mean it, Christy. Say the word, and I’ll turn around. Why couldn’t we just get on the freeway and keep driving until we hit the coast? We would go directly into the water and swim all the way to Catalina, and when we got there we would hike to the top of Mt. Orizaba. I’d show you my listening spot under the eucalyptus tree where I placed the twelve stones. Then we would get a pedicure or something really decadent like that.”
Christy laughed. “You’re definitely stressed, girl. You realize that, don’t you?”
“Who, me? Stressed?” Katie crossed her eyes and made a funny face at Christy.
“Watch where you’re going!” Christy reached for the steering wheel as Katie swerved toward the curb.
Katie returned her attention to the road. “I don’t want to go back on campus. I have so much studying to do. I’m already behind in most of my classes. I feel like I barely had a break between summer school and the start of this semester. Do you know that when we went to the beach with you guys and Doug and Tracy that was the only time I went all summer?”
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