by E. L. Todd
“How was the office?” Pepper asked me, her eyes on her food. She seemed to ask me that question while already knowing the answer. Her tone always dropped a bit, as if she expected that same sadness to echo back at her.
Finn looked at me as he chewed his garlic bread, waiting for me to tell her the truth.
“Well…I had a really great day.” Now that the burden was off my shoulders, I felt better than I had in a long time.
“Really?” she asked. “That’s good to hear. It always seems like you’re unhappy at the office.”
“You’re dead on about that,” I said. “But the reason why I had a good day was because I quit.”
She dropped her fork onto her plate, the clatter echoing in the small apartment. “What? Are you serious?” Her shock was mixed with happiness, already relieved that I’d left the firm even though she didn’t know why. “That’s great. You should never work somewhere that makes you so unhappy. Everyone may not love their job, but they shouldn’t hate it either.”
“I do feel better.” Like a heavy weight had been removed from my chest, I felt a million times lighter. It would always haunt me that my boss and the rest of the staff turned their noses up at me, but if that was how they really felt, I didn’t want to be associated with them anyway. “It was the right decision, and I shouldn’t have waited so long to make it happen.”
Finn drank his scotch then cleared his throat. “Are you going to tell her why you quit?”
Pepper studied him for an instant, reading the meaning in his eyes before she turned back to me. “What aren’t you telling me, Colt? Did something happen at your office?”
I wasn’t going to keep it from her because she would find out anyway, but I didn’t want to tell her the truth either because she would get so worked up over it. “Well…the reason it was always such an inhospitable atmosphere was because they had a problem when I came out of the closet.”
Pepper’s face deepened into a wary look, like she couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. “You’re serious?”
“They weren’t giving me the good cases because they didn’t want me in court. It just kept getting worse and worse until I confronted my boss about it. It became more intense, so I quit on the spot and marched out.”
“Hell yeah.” She slammed both of her fists onto the table and made all the dishes shake. “That’s absolute bullshit. Come on, this is Seattle in the twenty-first century. Who the hell does that asshole think he is?”
“His loss,” Finn said. “He lost the best lawyer in his office.”
“He didn’t use me anyway, so he didn’t lose much,” I said.
“I can’t believe this,” Pepper said. “I can’t believe there’s such evil in the world.”
I shrugged. “Whatever. I left, so we’ll put it in the past.”
“I guess,” Pepper said. “But I’m marching down there and giving your boss a piece of my mind.”
Pepper didn’t kid about stuff like that, so I knew she was being serious. “Whoa, hold on—”
“I was thinking the same thing,” Finn said. “First thing in the morning.”
“No.” I set down my fork. “Guys, no. I’m serious. I appreciate it, but really—”
“Too bad,” Pepper said. “I don’t give a shit who he is. No one treats another human that way. This isn’t even just about defending you. It’s about all of us.”
“But for me, it’s mainly about you,” Finn said. “If he wants to act like an asshole, he’d better be prepared to face the consequences.”
That was the last thing I wanted. “Guys—”
“Too bad,” Finn said. “Consider it done.”
Pepper changed the subject because she knew I would keep arguing for the rest of the night. “Are you going to keep living here while you look for a new job? You could always move in with me.”
It didn’t surprise me at all that she offered.
“He’s moving in with me,” Finn offered. “It’s a big house, so there’s plenty of room.”
“Oh, that’s a good idea,” she said. “Well, the offer always stands if you want to crash with me. I only have a one-bedroom apartment, so we’d have to share a bed and that wouldn’t be fun.”
“That wouldn’t work,” Colton said. “Where would Jax go?”
“He hasn’t slept over yet,” Pepper said. “And if he did, he’d be on the floor.” She turned back to her lasagna and ate most of it within a few bites.
“What’s going on with Jax anyway?” I asked. “I haven’t seen him in a while, and you don’t talk about him much.”
“I’ve just been busy,” she said. “And we’re still taking it slow.”
“Do you even like him?” I asked bluntly. “Because I can’t tell if you do.”
Her eyes immediately moved across the table to Finn. She held his gaze for a heartbeat before she looked down at her food again. “I do. I guess I just haven’t really let him in…”
“You should,” I said. “He seems like a really nice guy, and he’s been patient with you. Whenever I see you two together, he only has eyes for you. If you keep being distant with him, you might lose him forever. I don’t know Jax that well, but I wouldn’t want you to lose a great guy because you’re too scared to give him a real chance.”
Pepper stared down at her food, and she swirled her fork through the globs of cheese. She usually had a comeback to everything I said, but this time, she was speechless.
“I agree with Colt,” my brother said. “There are a lot of dogs out there. Jax isn’t one of them.”
She spun her fork around for a long time before she got a massive bite on the end. Then she placed it into her mouth and chewed slowly, prolonging the continuation of the conversation. “You’re right. He’s a good guy. I guess I just…purposely kept him at a distance. I already married a great guy, and the possibility of finding another great guy seemed so unlikely that I didn’t even bother.”
I hated myself for what I did to Pepper. She said she didn’t regret anything, but I certainly did. While I cherished our relationship now, I would go back in time and erase all of it. The memories of her tears during our divorce would haunt me every single day. If I’d just been honest with myself sooner, I could have spared her the pain and humiliation. But I fucked all that up. What I wouldn’t give to take it all back.
“I just don’t want to get hurt again,” she admitted. “So I was expecting to have a bunch of one-night stands with guys I wouldn’t remember. Instead, the first guy I find turns out to be pretty great…caught me off guard.”
Finn looked down at his plate and kept eating.
“Then go for it,” I said. “And give him a real chance.”
“Yeah,” Pepper said with a sigh. “I think I might.” She took another bite before she washed it down with her beer. “How are things with Aaron?”
I hadn’t thought about him once today. “We text on and off. Sometimes when I text him, he doesn’t text me back for two days. I can’t tell if he’s really interested or not. Sometimes I wonder if he’s just throwing me a bone because I’m new at this.”
“He’s sleeping with someone else,” Finn blurted.
My head snapped in his direction. “What?”
“If a guy doesn’t text you back all the time, it’s because he has other prospects.” Finn didn’t lay it on me easy. He made his point and didn’t sugarcoat it. “Trust me on that. If a guy wanted you to know you were the only one, he would answer all your text messages. He would be there all the time. If he’s not…then you know he’s playing the field.”
“Didn’t realize you knew anything about gay relationships,” I said.
“I don’t know anything about gay relationships,” Finn countered. “But I do know men. We aren’t hard to read. If we’re into you, we’ll make it blatantly obvious. If we don’t give a damn, you’ll have a relationship with our voice mail. Just want to be straight with you so you don’t get your heart broken.”
“Well, thanks for laying it o
n me so gently.” I chuckled at the end of my sentence, but my heart was actually full of dread. Coming out of the closet was hard enough, but finding the right guy to spend my life with seemed even harder. A part of me still wished I was straight so I could live happily ever after with Pepper.
Finn shrugged. “Relationships are hard. Why do you think it’s so rare to find a good one?”
I turned back to Pepper, remembering the night I gave her a ring it took me a year to save for. “I miss being married to you. I was a lot happier then than I am right now.” A confession like that probably didn’t make her feel better, but at least she knew I was suffering too.
She gave me a slight smile then rested her hand on mine. “I know. We were great together.”
“Yeah…we were.” I squeezed her hand and sighed with sadness. There were a lot of things I missed about our marriage, like coming home from work and seeing her smile at me. I missed going to brunch every Sunday, going out on the town with her hand held in mine. I missed picking out the perfect gift for her for Christmas and then opening it under the tree first thing in the morning. We were still close, but we would never have a relationship like that again.
Finn watched our joined hands before his eyes moved to Pepper.
Pepper pulled her hand away. “But you’re going to find someone who makes you happier than I ever did. And I believe I’m going to find someone too.”
16
Pepper
Being with Finn and Colton at the same time only reminded me that being with Finn romantically wasn’t an option.
We could only ever be friends.
The attraction I had for him would have to disappear, be locked away deep inside my chest so I wouldn’t think about it ever again. Even if Colton were okay with it, I doubted it would ever go anywhere. Finn was a one-night stand kinda guy. Always had been and always would be, it seemed. I wouldn’t want to be his guinea pig.
After thinking about it, I realized they were both right. Jax really was a great guy. Maybe I didn’t appreciate that at the time, but now I did. Instead of taking things slow because of my divorce, I should be living life to the fullest—not being chained to my past.
It was a slow day at the store, so I texted Jax. Hey, have plans tonight?
No response.
Hours went by, and I didn’t hear from him. It was unusual because his responses were usually instantaneous.
He was either pissed at me or had moved on to someone else.
No one to blame but myself.
At the end of the day, I went home to my empty apartment and pulled a beer out of the fridge. I stood at the kitchen counter as I drank it, unsure what to do now. I blew off a nice guy I could have had something with. Now all I could do was sit around and drink.
After a few beers, I found the courage to call him. I wasn’t going to ask him out again. Instead, I was going to apologize for the way I behaved. All he ever did was try to get close to me, and all I ever did was push him away.
I got his voice mail.
That was fine. It was easier this way. “Hey, Jax. It’s Pepper. Look, I know you’re either pissed at me because of the way I’ve been toward you…or you’re seeing someone else by now. Either way, that’s fine with me. I just wanted to apologize for keeping you at a distance. After my divorce, I wasn’t in a hurry to find the next guy to start dating. I just wanted sex and some time. Meeting a nice guy like you wasn’t in the cards…but I did meet you. I know I’m realizing this too late and you’ve moved on with your life, but it’s never too late to say you’re sorry. So…I’m sorry. Goodbye, Jax.” I hung up and tossed my phone on the counter. It was a bummer I’d lost a good catch, but now that I’d apologized, I had some closure.
I grabbed another beer and parked my rear on the couch—where it belonged.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
My head turned toward the door in surprise. It wasn’t Colton, but it wasn’t Finn either. He had a distinctive knock, a single sound that announced his rough presence to the entire apartment. That left either Girl Scouts selling cookies…or Jax.
I hoped it was the second one.
I opened the door and came face-to-face with the handsome man who had entered my lingerie shop. Lean and toned, he had a tight physique and the height to boot. He was in a long-sleeved gray shirt with a black blazer on top, probably having just finished showing a house to someone. He didn’t wear his happy smile that I’d become used to seeing. His eyes were heavy lidded with anger, like my hunch about his resentment had been right.
“Hi…” Now that I was looking at him, he seemed like all he wanted to do was yell. He sure didn’t appear happy to see me.
He invited himself inside and shut the door behind him. “There’re a few things you should know about me.” He towered over me with his height, his shadow crossing the apartment to the opposite window. “I pick up women in bars all the time. I fuck them at my place, and they leave. Sometimes I ask them to stay, but most of the time, I don’t. When I met you, it was different. I instantly liked you, instantly wanted you. But you’ve been dragging me along on your hook for weeks now, and I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t put up with that shit. I’m not a nice guy. I just happened to be a nice guy to you because I actually liked you.”
I stayed quiet as he finished his speech, knowing this anger had built up inside his chest. Every time he’d tried to be more serious with me, I’d kept him at a distance. I’d hardly treated him like a friend. I picked him up at the bar, used him, and hadn’t really paid attention to him since. Men had treated me that way more times than I could count, and I’d hated every second. Now I did it to someone else—and I didn’t like that. “You have every right to be upset. But the most I can do is apologize—which I’ve done.” He could keep yelling at me if he wanted, but it wouldn’t change anything. If this was over, we should just go our separate ways and forget about it.
His nostrils flared slightly as he continued his elevated breathing. His hands moved to his hips. “I slept with someone. I was showing her a few houses, and it happened—a couple times. It didn’t seem like anything was happening here, so I moved on.”
I didn’t expect that to hurt as much as it did. Instead of spending my time on a guy who could actually be something, I’d wasted more time on the wrong guy. First, I married a gay man, and then I made out with his brother. Clearly, I had serious issues. “You had every right to, Jax. We were never serious.” I saved face by brushing it off. Besides, I’d kissed someone else anyway. It wasn’t like I was so innocent.
His anger slowly started to simmer. “I don’t like her, not the way I like you.”
“Yeah?” I whispered.
“Yeah.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling the tension sink into my skin. He kept staring at me with those pretty green eyes, and I felt like I might burst into flames under the heat. “I kissed someone. A few days ago.”
To my relief, Jax didn’t ask who the recipient was. “Are you dating this guy?”
“No. It was just a one-time thing.” I wanted to call it a mistake, but it wasn’t. A kiss that good couldn’t be a mistake. Finn was an incredible man and probably an incredible lover, but it just wasn’t possible. He would be the perfect person to sleep with and get my mind off everything that happened, but it would also cause a lot more problems.
Jax didn’t ask for more details. “You want to have dinner with me tonight?”
Was he giving me another chance? “Depends.”
His eyes narrowed.
“Will you sleep over tonight?”
The aggression left his eyes, and a slight smile formed on his lips. “Yes, I’d love to.”
“When is Sasha getting married?” We went to an Italian bistro a short walk from my apartment. It was usually quiet during the weekdays, so we got a table without an issue. A low-burning candle was between us, and we both enjoyed the cheese ravioli.
“In two weekends.” When he sat perfectly straight, his shoulders and arms look
ed more defined in his shirt. There was always a light in his gaze when he spoke about his sister, even when he tried to pretend he was annoyed with her. “Can’t wait until that moment comes. My bachelor pad will be back.”
“Are you giving her away?”
He drank from his wineglass before he responded. “Yes.”
“Aww…that’s sweet.”
He shrugged then took a bite of his dinner.
“You love her.”
“Of course I love her. But that doesn’t mean I like her.”
“Whatever,” I said as I teased him. “You love her, and you like her.”
He deflected the statement by changing the subject. “You don’t have any siblings, right?”
“Only child.”
“You’re lucky.”
“No…I’m really not.” I didn’t have a single family member in the world. I was the last of my line and the only member of my line.
Jax looked apologetic when he realized what he’d said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“It’s okay,” I said quickly. “I know you didn’t.”
“Do you mind if I ask what happened with your parents?” He’d never asked me that before, probably because the question was too intimate for people who were barely dating.
“Of course not. It’s a pretty short story. My mother was really young when she had me. About fifteen or sixteen at the time. She didn’t want to have an abortion, so she gave me away for adoption. Unfortunately, a family never picked me, so I stayed in the system for a long time before I legally declared myself an adult at sixteen.”
He stared at me with a baffled expression, like he hadn’t expected me to say that in a million years. “I don’t know what to say…I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to be sorry. I’ve had a great life. When I got older, things got easier. Please don’t feel bad for me.”