“Do you really think I wanted to stop it?” he asked me, his jaw slack as he gazed at me. His fingers lightly ran up and down my bare legs and I shivered.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled, barely able to breathe as his fingers caressed my skin.
“I stopped it then because I didn’t want to stop it at all.”
“Oh,” I said, suddenly feeling shy. “I see.”
“Why did you ask?” His hand stopped on my leg. “Did you want me to keep kissing you?”
“Are you joking?” I blinked at him and it was my turn to roll my eyes. “What do you think, Jacob?”
“I think that I know I want to kiss you right now,” he said softly.
“Oh?”
“Yes,” he said and licked his lips. The movement made me think of a hungry wolf for some reason and it made me shiver slightly. He was the wolf that wanted to eat me whole and I was the Little Red Riding Hood that didn’t really mind.
“But, but the movie.” I bit down on my lower lip. This wasn’t a good idea. Not at all. But I just didn’t care.
“I can skip it, if you can.”
“But the cookies.”
“We can eat them afterward.”
“Afterward . . .” My voice trailed off as the implication of his words hit me. “I’m not going to have sex with you, Jacob.”
“We can do whatever you’re comfortable with.”
“I’ve never had sex,” I blurted out, my face a hot red mess.
“Oh?” He grinned then, his eyes bright.
“Have you?” I asked him, not sure where the bravery was coming from.
“I have,” he said, his face was serious as he looked into my eyes and I felt my heart sinking. “I’m sorry.” He grabbed a hold of my hand. “This might sound cliché, but none of them meant anything to me.”
“None of them?” My eyes widened. “So more than one?” I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse, to be honest. A part of me had hoped that he had waited, but I knew that was unrealistic.
“Yes, I’ve been with multiple women.” His voice sounded pained and as he looked at me I could see the regret in his eyes. Not that that really made me feel better. I felt devastated and jealous. And the thought of him being with other women was making me feel sick; even though I had no claim on him. “Is that okay?”
“What can I say?” I shrugged and looked away. “It’s not like you owe me anything.”
“I know this is awkward timing, but I still have feelings for you, Sage. I care about you.” He stopped himself. “I don’t want you to judge me because I’ve had sex with someone else.”
“Why would I care?”
“I was hoping you would.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, not wanting to get into anything deep. “You can have whoever you want. I mean, I’m sure I’ll have plenty of guys as well.” Jacob’s face hardened, in that moment, and I could see a vein throbbing in his forehead.
“I have no claims on you,” he said eventually. “I cannot stop you from doing whatever you want to do.”
“Nope, you can’t.”
“Is it always going to be like this between us?” He sighed and leaned back, his hands moving from my legs and going to his hair. “Are you always going to hate me?”
“I don’t hate you, Jacob.” I shook my head. “I could never hate you.” And as I said the words I knew them to be true. “I’m just confused and sad, and well, I don’t even know what to say. You haven’t been in my life for years and now you’re back and you expect to just come back and be everything to me again and I don’t even know why you cut me off in the first place.”
“I didn’t cut you off, Sage.” His voice sounded pained.
“I wrote to you, Jacob. I wrote to you and you never responded. I never heard from you.”
“That’s not true, Sage.” He sounded angry.
“It is true, Jacob. You didn’t write.”
“I did write,” he shouted and jumped up. “I did write, Sage. I didn’t send the letters, but I did write.”
“What?” I blinked up at him. “What are you saying? Why didn’t you send the letters?”
“I can’t say.” He looked away from me, his voice pained. “I don’t want you to hate me.”
“Why would I hate you?”
“Can’t you just let it go, Sage?” He looked at me again. “Please? Can’t you just let it go? Can’t we just start fresh?”
“It doesn’t work like that, Jacob. I can’t trust that you won’t just walk out of my life again.” I sighed. “Don’t you understand?”
“I get it.” He took a deep breath. “Can I show you something?”
“Sure.” I nodded, not sure what he wanted to show me, but wanting to understand where he was coming from. Why did he think I’d hate him? What had he done? Did it have to do with the women he’d slept with? Had he realized he’d never loved me? Had he fallen in love with someone else? My heart ached just thinking about that possibility. I watched as he jogged to the bedroom and then came out with an envelope in his hand. The envelope looked old and yellow and I peered at it curiously.
“What’s that?” I asked as he came and sat next to me on the couch again.
“Can I read it to you?” he asked and slowly opened the envelope. He pulled out a faded piece of lined paper and I could see black ink on the other side.
“Is that a letter?” I asked trying to look at the paper a bit better. The handwriting looked big, unruly and familiar, and my heart started to thud.
“Yes.” He nodded. “It’s the first letter I wrote to you after I left the orphanage.”
“But you never sent it?”
“I never sent it.” He looked down and sighed. I could see a multitude of emotions crossing over his face and I wondered what he was thinking.
“Why?”
“Can I just read it to you please, Sage.”
“Okay,” I said, though I still wanted to know why he hadn’t sent it. Why had he written me a letter and not sent it? He had to have known how much it would have meant to me. He had to have known how much I was hurting without him. I mean, I’d even said how much I’d missed him in my letters to him. But I didn’t push it. Obviously there was a reason why he hadn’t written me back and obviously, he still wasn’t ready for me to know that reason.
“Sage,” he read. “I miss you so much. I can’t believe I just left you two hours ago.”
“Wait, what?” I stared at him for a few seconds before continuing. “You wrote this letter before you even got my letter? You wrote it as soon as you left?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “I know how much you love your letters.”
“But you never sent it?”
“I didn’t want to appear pathetic.” He gave me a wry smile. “I wanted to wait a few days before I sent it.”
“But you never sent it. You never sent anything . . .” My voice trailed off. I was so confused. Why had he never sent it? “But continue, I’d like to hear the rest.”
“Let me start over again.” He cleared his throat. “Sage, I miss you so much. I can’t believe I just left you two hours ago. It feels surreal that I won’t be seeing you in a few hours laughing at your animal impressions or listening to you read aloud from your latest favorite book. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but you’re my best friend. And more than that, you’re my family. It feels weird being adopted and going to a real home because my heart doesn’t feel like I’m going home. My heart feels like I’m leaving home. I don’t know how to describe it, really. I don’t know the words to use to explain how sad I feel right now.
However, I don’t want this to be a sad letter. I want it to be happy. I want you to be happy. I’m counting down the days until I can see you again. I love you, Sage. Never forget me. I’ll carry you in my heart forever and I hope to see you soon. Ever yours, Jacob.
PS: Yes, I stole the carry my heart sentencing from the poem by ee cummings, but I don’t think he’d mind.”
Jacob looked up then
and his eyes were shining, almost as if he wanted to cry. Which was ironic in a way because I felt like I should have wanted to cry, but my eyes were dry. My heart was racing, and I felt like my head was going to explode, but my eyes were dry. Which was quite shocking to me because I was normally a huge crier.
“You wrote that?” I reached forward to see the letter with my own two eyes. He handed it to me as his head moved up and down slowly, and our fingers brushed gently during the exchange. I felt a frisson of heat as our fingers touched, and I wanted to push him back on the couch and kiss him, but I restrained myself. I held the letter gingerly in my hands and my eyes ran through the lines eagerly, devouring every word. I’d have recognized his messy handwriting from anywhere and I felt a million birds singing in my ears as I read the letter.
He’d really loved me. I knew then for a fact that what we’d had had not been false. A calmness came over me then. So, I wasn’t completely crazy. I still didn’t know why he’d never sent that letter or any letter, for that matter, but I knew it wasn’t because he couldn’t wait to be rid of me.
“You confuse me, Jacob.” I sighed as I took the envelope from his hands and folded the letter carefully and put it back in the envelope.
“Why do I confuse you, Sage?” He watched as I placed the envelope on the coffee table in front of us. I moved closer to him on the couch and I grabbed his hands. I wasn’t sure where the bravery had come from, but maybe it was a mix of the alcohol and hearing the words that he’d written, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing exactly what I was thinking and feeling in that moment.
“I want to kiss you,” I said as I gazed into his eyes. Uncertainty rested in his expression as he gazed back at me. He didn’t blink as I reached forward and grabbed the side of his face and drew him close to me. “I want to kiss you softly and then I want to kiss you firmly.” My fingers ran down the stubble at the side of his face and stopped at his chin. They moved up to his lower lip and I ran my fingers along the bottom curve of his lip gently, watching the slight tremble as he waited to see what I was going to do next.
“Are you going to kiss me or are you just going to keep teasing me?” he asked as his tongue darted out and licked the tip of my finger.
“What do you want me to do?”
“I swear to God that if you don’t kiss me within the next five seconds, I’m going to kiss you and I’m not going to stop there.”
“Oh?” I giggled as I leaned forward until my lips were right next to his, but not quite touching. “What else are you going to do?” I said, barely breathing as I stared into his eyes.
“This,” he said, and within seconds his hands were in my hair and his lips were on mine, crushing down onto mine and I felt like I was melting into him. Every part of my body felt like mush as I leaned backward, and he came falling down on top of me. I parted my legs and wrapped them around his waist as his body pressed down on mine. He shifted his body slightly so that most of his weight was resting on his arms and not on me and I felt myself loving him even more, for always thinking about my comfort. I moved my hands up to run through his silky hair and I kissed him back passionately. I moved my arms down to his back and I moaned as I felt his erection next to me. He was already hard, and he was turning me on more than I’d ever been turned on in my life. I shifted beneath him, so I could feel him closer to me and I heard him groan.
“You can’t do that, Sage,” he muttered in my ear.
“Do what?” I whispered innocently, though I wasn’t that naïve.
“You can’t keep grinding against me like that.” He groaned as I tightened my legs around him and pulled him down closer.
“Sh, just kiss me,” I said and moved his lips back to mine. His lips once again pressed against mine and I felt his tongue seeking entrance and his hand moving up to my breast. I closed my eyes and kissed him back, my body on fire. We rolled around making out as his fingers ran across my breast over my T-shirt.
“Wait,” I said finally and sat up slightly.
“What?” He blinked, his expression dazed.
“Just this,” I said and pulled my T-shirt off and threw it onto the ground.
“Oh.” He grinned at me and stared at my bra. I sat there and stared back at him, wondering what he was thinking. “I think this should go next,” he said and I felt him unclasping my bra and throwing it to the ground. He stared at my naked breasts for a few seconds and then whistled. “You’re so beautiful, Sage,” he said, and he grabbed my hand and placed it over his heart. “Feel that?” he asked as he rested my hand on his chest.
“Yes,” I said as I felt his heart beating through his warm skin.
“That’s you,” he said softly. “It’s beating because of you.”
“Oh really?” I giggled, suddenly overcome with happiness. “I thought this was me.” I reached down and grabbed his erection and squeezed it slightly.
“Well that’s because of you as well,” he said his voice hoarse as I continued to rub his hardness through his shorts. “Sage,” he groaned.
“Yes, Jacob?” I bit down on my lower lip and grinned, squeezing a little bit harder.
“You know you’re playing with fire, right?”
“Oh?” I said and lay back on the couch and gazed up at him.
“Oh indeed.” He laughed and shook his head, and before I knew it, he was pulling my shorts off, so that I was just lying there in my underwear. He stared at my surprised face and then I felt his lips on my stomach, kissing me softly and moving farther and farther down. Was he going to go even farther down? My heart was racing as I felt his hands on the top of my panties. But then he chuckled, and I felt his lips moving farther up again. This time he kissed my right breast and when I felt his lips suckle down on my nipple and start nibbling, I cried out slightly.
“Oh my God, Jacob.” I moaned as he kissed my breast and played with the other one with his fingers.
“Yes, Sage?” He moaned as his mouth moved to my other breast.
“Please don’t stop.” I couldn’t say anything else. I couldn’t even think. My body was on fire in places I didn’t even know existed. I reached up and tugged at the top of Jacob’s boxer shorts.
“What are you doing, Sage?” He looked down at me and grabbed my hand.
“I’m taking your boxers off.” I grinned at him and tugged again.
“No.” He groaned as he shook his head. I pouted as he tried to stop me from getting him completely naked. He then kissed me on the lips and I melted into him. His lips were so soft and sweet, and I felt like I could kiss him for the rest of my life without stopping. “As much as I want to make love to you right now, now is not the time.”
“Jacob.” I pouted and reached my hand down and grabbed his cock again. “Don’t you want me?”
“Sage,” he groaned as I tugged on his cock, so firm and hard. “I want you so badly that I can’t even think, but I don’t want your first time to be on my couch after a night at Barcade.”
“Why not?”
“I want it to be more special.” He kissed me on the lips again. “I want every moment of the night to be amazing.”
“Tonight has been amazing.” I ran my hands down his chest. “Jacob!” I pleaded.
“Sage!” He laughed and then I felt his hand on my panties and this time he started pulling them down and then he stopped.
“What now?” I moaned, wanting him to continue. “Don’t stop, Jacob.”
“I don’t want to.” He groaned and pulled me up and cradled my face. “You’re so sweet, Sage.”
“I’m not sweet,” I growled at him, frustrated beyond relief. “I’m bad. I’m a bad, bad girl.”
“You’re a bad, bad girl?” He laughed and kissed me again, but this time it was soft. “Let’s go to the bedroom.”
“Oh?” My eyes lit up.
“Not for that.” He shook his head. “I want to play you something.”
“Oh?” I felt disappointed.
“I wrote you a song.”
“You
wrote me a song?”
“Don’t you know I’m a regular rock star now?”
“Oh, of course, rock god Jacob Phillips.”
“I’ll be your god,” he said with a wink and I punched him in the shoulder hard.
“That’s blasphemous, Jacob. You can’t say that.” I shook my head at him. “You don’t wanna go to hell.”
“Do you care if I go to hell?” He cocked his head and I just let my eyes do the talking as I stared at him with a blank expression.
“Are you going to play me my song or what?”
“You’re still a regular old bossy boots, I see.” He laughed as he jumped off of the couch and grabbed my hands and pulled me up to join him. “Come on.”
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I said, feeling slightly grumpy. I couldn’t believe he was blowing me off again. I knew it wasn’t because he didn’t find me attractive and that I should be thankful that he was stopping me from making a potential emotionally disastrous mistake, but I just wanted him so badly.
“Don’t pout, sweet Sage.”
“Stop calling me sweet Sage. What are you, a grandpa?” I rolled my eyes again as we headed toward the bedroom. “Is this your way to get to sleep in the bed tonight instead of on the couch?”
“Do you want me on the couch?”
I stared at him and his cocky expression for a few seconds and I was about to tell him yes, that he would be spending the night on the couch, but then I got a better idea. I grinned to myself as I thought about my plan. Could I really be the tease seductress that I was planning on being? Yes! The devil inside my head screamed out immediately.
“Just sh.” I placed my fingers on his lips. “Hurry up and play me this song.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He laughed, and he pulled me into his arms. My breasts crushed against his chest and I melted as he kissed me on the forehead. “You always know how to put me in my place.”
“Am I your map?” I teased him.
“No.” He shook his head, his eyes serious now. “You’re the dot on the map that I’m making my way toward. You’re my final destination.”
“Oh.” I swallowed hard. Why was he being so romantic? Where were these words coming from? Did he know what he was doing to me?
Carry My Heart Page 10