by Drea Stein
Lynn looked at Jackson, concern flooding her. “Are you ok? You don’t look so great.”
With a visible shake, he moved, starting to walk and saying, “I’m fine. Sorry, just a friend of my mom’s. Haven’t seen her in a while. Shall we get home? You said you have to work tomorrow?”
As if nothing had happened, Jackson continued walking. Lynn stopped, wondering if he thought she was stupid. But still she said nothing, thinking that he really did look like he had seen a ghost. It was all the answer she needed—all the answers to her questions about the future. How could she have been so stupid, to think that maybe, just maybe there could have been something permanent with her and Jackson? She saw it now. No, he hadn’t built a shrine in his house to his dead fiancée but he had kept one in his heart. With a sudden wrench, Lynn knew that Jackson could never, ever be hers the way she wanted to be his.
They went back to his car, ready to head home. Like a sleepwalker he got into the driver seat and she slid into the passenger seat. Jackson reached to start the car but she put out a hand to stop him. “We need to talk.”
Chapter 47
All men dreaded those words. Actually, Lynn thought, just about everyone dreaded those words. They were the words you said to a parent when you were about to tell them that their child was sick—very sick. Only bad news could follow. But she had said them and now she couldn’t take them back. She saw the clench of Jackson’s jaw.
“Must we?” he countered.
“That was her mother, wasn’t it?” Lynn found her voice but barely. “That was Ashley’s mother.” It was the first time she had said that name to him aloud, and all of a sudden it felt like there was a presence in the car with them. Lynn knew it was just her imagination but she couldn’t shake the feeling.
“Yes. I thought she had moved out of town.”
“Is that why you thought you could come back? Because you wouldn’t have to face her?”
“Something like that.” Jackson ducked his head.
“She certainly looked surprised.”
“She was like a second mother to me,” Jackson said. “And she’s angry with me.”
“For what? Jackson you’re still running. God,” Lynn said and her voice gathered force, “how could I be so stupid? Everyone warned me, told me that you weren’t ready to move on. But I thought I could fix you. They were right about that too, that I have a God complex. Comes with being a doctor, you see. We’re trained to diagnose, treat, prevent things, and if something is wrong, find a way to fix it.”
Lynn could feel the tears, the hot burning prick of them starting behind her eyelids. She couldn’t, wouldn’t cry. It was no more than she deserved, thinking she could replace the love of anyone’s life.
“And I thought I could fix you, Jackson. I thought you were fixed. I was just giving you time.”
“Lynn,” Jackson said. His voice was low but his face was unreadable. He reached for her but she couldn’t let him touch her or then she would be undone.
“But you aren’t. You can’t be fixed.”
“You don’t understand,” he said, and his voice held a tinge of desperation.
“Because you haven’t told me. You won’t talk about her. You won’t talk about it.”
“It’s complicated,” he said.
She laughed. “Yeah, life is complicated. I know when we started we said there would be no strings, a grownup relationship.” She saw him swallow, but didn’t let him speak. “But I’m past that. I need strings, Jackson; but you don’t seem to.”
“We’ve been happy the way we were,” he said.
“I know and I am, I was happy. But Jackson, I need more. And if you can’t give it, then I need to get out.”
“Out,” he said, repeating the word, dully.
“I won’t compete with a ghost, Jackson. No one can. And until you figure out if you’re ready to let her go, then I don’t think we have anything left to discuss.”
She put a hand on the handle of the door. They were still in downtown Queensbay, near enough so she could walk to her own apartment. The fresh air would do her good, she knew, help fight back the tears that were more than threatening to form. A single one escaped and she knew she had to leave.
Opening the door, she felt Jackson reach for her, but she moved quickly, not wanting to risk his touch pulling her back in.
“Lynn, please don’t go.” His voice was rough.
She stood outside the car and willed herself to look at him. “Tell me you’re over her, that you’re ready to move on.”
He shifted in his seat, ran his hand through his thick hair. “It’s complicated. There’s something. I can’t…it’s not mine to tell.”
“You have a secret?” She laughed and knew it sounded as if she were on the edge of hysteria, “Don’t worry, Jax,” she tossed his hated nickname at him. “It’s not a secret that you’re just as messed up as everyone said.”
She swallowed and didn’t care that the tears were streaming down her face. “As a doctor, the hardest thing to learn is that you can’t save everyone, no matter how hard you try. And that the only thing, the best thing you can do sometimes, is just to accept that. And this is me, doing that.”
She slammed the door and walked a little unsteadily across the parking lot. She thought she heard him shout her name, but she didn’t stop to see, just walked faster. Going to her apartment was her first thought but then she realized he would find her there. She needed to be alone, to be away from him. There was only one place to go. To her parents. It was a hike, up to the Heights, but she could do it. She began to move faster, almost running, until she was sure he wasn’t behind her. She was soon up the twisting road to the thicket of streets above the harbor. She came to her parents’ house. The lights were off, which meant that her parents probably weren’t home. All the better, because she didn’t think she could handle talking to them right now.
Chapter 48
If her mother was surprised to see her, she said nothing. Perhaps that was because Lynn was muffled under two blankets and a comforter in what had recently been her bedroom. Her mother had checked in, seen her crying but hadn’t asked why. Lynn pulled the covers over her head and drifted back into a state, halfway between sleep and awake.
Eventually, Lynn wasn’t sure after how long, there was a slight knock at the door and without waiting for an answer, her mother showed herself in, carrying a tray with a steaming cup of tea and toast. She set it down on the nightstand next to Lynn and then leaned in and pulled the covers back. Lynn blinked in the sudden light then tried to pull them back over her, but her mother wouldn’t let her.
“Have some tea. Sugar and milk—just what the doctor ordered.”
“What kind of doctor,” Lynn said, still trying to burrow further into bed. She knew her eyes were swollen and her nose was red. She was in her t-shirt and underwear from the night before, the rest of her clothes dumped on the chair in the corner.
“Dr. Mom, of course,” her mother answered tartly. The bed sank under her weight as she sat down on the edge of it. Lynn waited and so did her mother, who apparently wasn’t going anywhere.
“I have all day, Lynn.”
“So do I,” Lynn muttered back. She wanted a good sulk and her mother was interrupting it.
“Good. So you can start it off by telling me what happened?”
“I don’t want to,” Lynn said.
Her mother reached down and stroked Lynn’s hair. “You are in my house. You did come in here, crying. I think if you want me to keep putting Jackson off that you had better tell me what is going on.”
At his name, fresh tears threatened and Lynn had to blink them back rapidly. Prepared, her mother handed her a box of tissues.
“What do you mean?”
“He’s been calling, wanting to know if you were here. Wanted to know if you were safe. Apparently, you didn’t go home to your apartment last night. Or with him,” her mother said.
“What did you tell him?”
“Th
at I knew where you were, that’s all. He sounded worried.”
“He’s just being a nice guy, a gentleman,” Lynn said.
Her mom looked at her and Lynn saw herself reflected in the chocolate brown eyes, the freckles and even in the dark hair, though Lynn knew her mother’s color now came from the bottle. Her eyes were kind, concerned, and Lynn felt like she was a little girl with the flu being told it was all going to be ok.
“Oh, I think that it was more than that. He was very worried, and very relieved to know you were safe.”
Lynn drew her knees up, and propped herself back up on the pillows. Her mother handed her the mug of hot tea. Lynn thought about asking for coffee, but knew what her mother would say to that. Tea was her mother’s cure-all, from an upset stomach to an upset heart.
She took her first sip after blowing on it to be sure it was cool and it slid down her throat—milky, sweet, and hot—and she instantly felt comforted.
Her mother gave her a smile. “Never argue with Dr. Mom.”
“Thank you,” Lynn said.
She expected her mother would leave but she didn’t. “I don’t know exactly what happened. I mean besides some sort of disagreement with Jackson. And I’m guessing it doesn’t have to do with the color he wants to paint the clinic walls.”
“Oh, Mom. I was so stupid. Everyone warned me, told me that he wasn’t ready, that he wasn’t over her. And I thought I could fix him, make him whole. I wanted to be the one to show the world he was ready to move on.” She knew her mother had heard the story of Jackson and Ashley Moran.
Her mother stroked Lynn’s knee through the fabric of the comforter. “Occupational hazard of being a doctor, I guess. The need to mend people?”
“Broken bones, stuffy noses…they’re all a lot easier than broken hearts.”
Her mother nodded.
“I don’t think he is over her, I mean, really over his fiancée. I thought that if I loved him enough, gave him enough love that he would forget about her. He was happy with me, Mom; he would laugh and be playful. We did things together, the little things, like make dinner together, go shopping, and big things like dates, hikes, and boat rides, and we even talked about going skiing together. I felt like he was different than when I first met him, that he had changed, that something in him was better. But I guess it, or I, wasn’t enough.”
“You don’t know that, do you? Did he ever tell you that?”
Lynn shook her head. “I knew from the beginning that it was just casual relationship. He even said he couldn’t offer anything more than…”
Lynn’s mother held up her hand. “Please, I get the picture. And don’t let your father or brother know. One of them will feel honor bound to punch Jackson’s lights out.”
“But I thought, I don’t know, that things were changing between us. And they did up to a point, and then they just stopped. I didn’t know why. But last night—God last night—I realized that it would never change. He’s still in love with a dead woman. How do you compete with that?”
“I don’t know, honey, I don’t,” her mom said and pulled her close for a hug.
Lynn let herself be surrounded by her mother’s comforting arms. Through the hug, Lynn asked, “If dad died, would you get over him?”
Her mother broke the hug and looked at Lynn. “That’s a morbid question.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“But I suppose it deserves an answer. I can’t imagine a life without him, but I also can’t imagine not wanting to live again. And I mean really live, in all ways. And I don’t think he would want me to. And I wouldn’t want that from him either. No. I expect that I might be able to move on, eventually. It wouldn’t ever be the same, of course, but you do move on, even if things are different. That’s life. You have to move on, Lynn. Either by yourself or not.”
“I can’t make that decision for him,” she said.
“No, but have you really given him the chance to know what the choice really is?”
Chapter 49
The Harvest Ball was a resounding success. Lynn could see that and knew it was no thanks to her. She still felt as if she were moving through a layer of mud, everything clouded and fuzzy, her thoughts still on Jackson. But it was her friends and family who rallied to her cause. Darby and her staff had come through, providing veggie burgers designed to look like monsters, chicken hotdogs shaped like spiders, and cupcakes cleverly loaded with shredded carrots and pumpkin puree and decorated like ghosts.
The games and stations were being manned by the local high school service clubs, and the little kids were running to and fro, in their costumes, thrilled. Caitlyn was selling raffle tickets and Lynn’s mother was quietly bidding up the silent auction items. Phoebe was doing face painting and Tory was showing a softer side at the jump rope station, thrilling the kids with her Double Dutch skills.
Lynn’s dad came up and dropped an arm around Lynn’s shoulder as he surveyed the controlled chaos. “Pretty impressive turnout.”
“I guess it helped it’s raining out. Nothing else for kids and parents to do.”
“Lynn,” her father rebuked, “it’s not like you to be so glum. Come on, this is impressive. Everything you’ve done is impressive. I know I didn’t give it much thought when you started the program at the clinic, but I can’t believe what you’re doing here. And I heard you’ve been asked to present your results at a conference in December?”
Lynn nodded. Tory’s website and the new materials she had printed had gotten the notice of the local paper, which had written an article on the program, and from there she’d been asked to talk to a local moms club about it. And next up was a meeting of the regional medical association. Things were taking off faster than she could have imagined.
“Like I said, looks like you have the whole town here,” her dad said. “And I better go stop your mother from outbidding everyone at the silent auction. If I’ve told her once, I’ve told her a hundred times that we don’t need his and her massages.”
Lynn almost laughed. “There’s always a first time.”
Her father kissed the top of her head and went off to find her mom. Lynn looked around. The turnout was better than she could have hoped, but her dad was wrong. The whole town wasn’t here. Jackson was nowhere to be seen, but she hadn’t expected him, of course. After all, what would a guy like Jackson do at a school full of kids? She had to remember that she had no right to expect him here.
He had tried calling her, and she had answered once. It had been an awkward, strained conversation, just a few ordinary questions about her day before she made her excuses and hung up. Since then, she had dodged his calls, managed to time things so she didn’t run into him at the clinic. She had felt like such a fool, cried all her tears that she didn’t think she could handle seeing him. Being told in person what she already knew would make it no better.
Phoebe came over. “Oh my. I’ve used up all my face painting materials, can you believe it?”
Lynn checked her watch. “We only have another twenty minutes, so I think it’s ok. Maybe you can help Tory out at the jump rope station.”
Phoebe shook her head, “Promise if I trip and fall you’ll give me free medical advice. It’s been a long time since I used a jump rope.”
Lynn managed a smile, but Phoebe, her eyes filled with concern, pulled Lynn in for a hug.
“Usually you’re the one giving out hugs, but this time you look like you need one,” she said.
Lynn closed her eyes, fighting back the tears as her friend held her close.
“I’m sorry he’s not here. I thought maybe he would but…”
“It’s not your problem. I knew what I was getting into.” Lynn took a deep breath and felt the tears subside for the moment. She needed to hold it together.
“Still, it doesn’t mean we can’t curse his name.”
Lynn laughed bitterly. “You’re going to be related to him.”
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll still take your side.” Phoebe broke the hug an
d looked at Lynn. “Have you talked to him, I mean really talked to him? He’s…he’s not himself.”
“What good would it do, Phoebe? I mean, do I need to hear it out loud, that he’s just not over her? I’m not sure I could take it.”
“Are you sure that’s what he said?” Phoebe asked softly.
Lynn shook her head. “He didn’t have to.”
Phoebe nodded, but kept her arm around Lynn and drew her toward the ticket booth. “Maybe you two just need a little more time to work things through.”
Lynn didn’t say anything else.
#
“You made nearly eight thousand dollars,” Caitlyn said, looking at her calculator in satisfaction.
The Harvest Ball was over, and the gymnasium was mostly clean and quiet, with only one table and a few chairs left. Caitlyn, who had agreed to act as her temporary treasurer, had just finished counting all the proceeds from the day.
“Wow,” Lynn said, gratified but also amazed. “I can’t quite believe it. I mean, there were a lot of kids here, but we really made that much with the raffle tickets and the silent auction?”
Caitlyn looked up, glanced at Tory and Phoebe, and then said, “Not quite. There were a few straight up donations that added to the total.”
“From who?” Lynn asked. “Besides you and Noah?”
“There was one anonymous donation for six thousand dollars.”
“What?” Lynn said, her mouth dropping open in shock. “From whom?”
“Well, as I said, it’s anonymous,” Caitlyn answered, but her gray eyes slid away from Lynn’s face.
“You mean you don’t know or you won’t tell me?” Lynn stood up. “All of a sudden was there a wad of cash dropped into your lap? Or did this ‘anonymous’ donor use a more traditional payment source like a check or a credit card.”
“Look,” Caitlyn glanced at Lynn, “he didn’t even want me to tell you, but I think you should know.”
“Jackson?” Lynn breathed the name.
“Yes. But really, he didn’t want you to know, wanted me to tell you that you made it all from raffle tickets. But I can’t be dishonest with you.”