by Danielle Fox
What have I done?
Chapter Ten
Did those words really just come out of my mouth? I felt like I was in a daydream. Thoughts swirled around my mind and emotions washed over me but it was all a blur. I couldn’t make out a single one of those thoughts or a single one of those emotions. I was numb. Completely numb. I stared lifelessly, my vision clouded, focusing on nothing.
“Fuck!” I startled as Julian shouted and brought me back to the now. I looked up and saw him standing with his forehead against the furthest wall, his fist thumping against it in a steady rhythm. “Fuck, Emily!” he cursed as he spun around to face me. His beautiful face twisted with agony. His head moved from side to side as his eyes scanned the room, seemingly looking for something to do, something to say. Why did I say that aloud? What the hell have I done? This would surely be the end for us now. Before us had even begun.
He had once apologised to me for allowing such innocent eyes to witness his animalistic behaviour, his very words repeated over and over in my head. 'My deepest regret, Emily, is that I allowed such beautiful, innocent eyes to witness me behaving like a deranged animal.’ But now he knew these eyes were very far from innocent. Had his assumption of my innocence been the very thing that had attracted him to me in the first place? Tears began to blur my eyes. My most painful secret, my degrading, disgusting secret and I had just blurted it out in front of the only one man I had ever seen some sort of future with. The only man I had ever come close to even considering a relationship with since having Maia. As little as I actually knew Julian, I felt as if I had known him forever. I felt an intense connection between the two of us from the very first time we had met and he had told me he’d felt it too. Now, I had ruined that, I may as well have just taken that connection and snapped it into two, breaking the link, before throwing it in his face.
It was agonising to think how much I had probably just hurt this beautiful man with my revelation, even more so than the thought of losing him. I hadn’t intended to tell him, not yet. Not until I was sure it wouldn’t turn him away from me. But I hadn’t had enough time with him before Jay had made his presence known. I had once thought that Jay had ruined my life completely but I had been wrong then. I came through his torture and I had gained a beautiful miracle at the end of it, but, this time I was certain that he would succeed in destroying me. There would be no more I could gain.
Tears stung my eyes as the reality set in. Julian didn’t want me anymore. The evidence was clear. I had just told him I had been repeatedly raped, and instead of comforting me he was across the room, still motionless as he stared not at me but right through me. Mind or body, I was sure he couldn’t be any further away from me. I had repulsed him. And with good reason. What sort of person was I to stay with Jay and live with his constant abuse for a long six months just through fear of leaving him? Fear that if I left him humiliated that he would come after me.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to just blurt that out. If you wouldn’t mind calling me a taxi, we’ll get out of your hair,” I said as I stood wiping the tears from my cheeks.
“Why would I do that?” he replied, his eyes narrowing with confusion.
“Because I’ve said too much and I’ve obviously repulsed you, Julian.” I snapped as I turned away and began towards the bedroom where Maia slept. Before I reached the door, Julian grasped my hips and spun me around to face him.
“Oh, Emily,” he whispered as he pulled me close to his chest, his strong arms holding me firmly.
“Don’t touch me,” I spat as I pushed against his hard chest, freeing myself from his clutch. His arms dropped to his side.
“Don’t you ever say that! How could you think that you could ever repulse me?”
“How? Because you can’t even fucking look at me, Julian!”
“I’m looking at you now.”
“But you’re not really, are you, Julian? You’re looking in my direction, yes, but with pity written all over your face! I don’t want your fucking pity!”
“I don’t pity you, Emily! I’m sorry that my reaction has upset you, I didn’t intend it to. It was kind of a shock.” His face flushed and a deep frown set across his forehead.
“Your reaction is honest, Julian, that can’t lie. Now move out of my way I want to go home.”
His fist slammed against the wall, hard. “Goddamn it, Emily!” he shouted as his fist smashed into the wall again, this time leaving a roughened hole. “My reaction wasn’t one of pity! It was one of pure fucking hatred! How fucking dare he take that choice from you?”
Tears streamed down my already dampened cheeks. “I guess I’m not as innocent as you once thought,” I replied, unable to meet his gaze.
“What are you saying? You are innocent! You’re nothing but innocent. You really think that I’d think any less of you after what you’ve just told me?” When I didn’t reply he carried on. “Emily, I think even more of you after what you’ve just told me! Saying those words aloud must have taken guts, and, the fact that you’ve trusted me enough to say them, well, that speaks volumes. You are so brave.” He came to where I stood motionless and kissed the top of my head firmly. “My brave, brave girl,” he said as he kissed my head once more.
“Yeah, I’m so brave that I was too scared to leave him,” I replied, my tone full of sarcasm.
“How long did you stay?”
“About six months.” I took a deep, steadying breath as I mentally prepared myself to go through it all again. I had to tell him sometime, that time may as well be now. I walked slowly back to the sofa and reached for my wine glass before carrying on. “The first few weeks he was lovely, you know, the perfect boyfriend. Looking back I suppose in that time he was showing me exactly what he was really like. He took me everywhere with him. To parties, to expensive restaurants. I even had to accompany him on numerous drug runs. I realised what he was capable of when he took me with him when he paid a visit to some guy that wouldn’t pay what he owed him. He forced me to watch, he wouldn’t let me leave the room until he had finished. I’m surprised the guy lived. I suppose, from that moment, I was genuinely petrified of him. Throwing a few punches at someone was one thing, but to force your girlfriend to watch while you literally torture someone…it was horrible.” I paused and shook my head as if to be rid of the sickening images of a battered and bloody body slouched over in the chair that he was tied to. Julian remained silent as he waited for me to speak again. I couldn’t look at him, I was too afraid of what I might see. Anger? Hurt? Or disgust. “After that he changed. I think he knew how I frightened I was of him so he knew he could get away with whatever he wanted to do to me. I suppose that’s why he had made me watch in the first place.”
“Did he ever hit you?” I chanced a quick glance at Julian but his eyes were closed. He was breathing heavily and it looked as if he was doing all he could to remain calm.
“Only if I said no to him. It was more sexual with him. I was like a trophy to him, I had to go everywhere with him and act like the doting girlfriend, then when we were alone he expected me to please him in any way he saw fit. If I refused, he’d hit me.”
“He forced you to do things to him?”
“Not very often. He said I wasn’t any good at it.” I felt my cheeks heat as my words caught in my throat. I couldn’t believe how much I was revealing. That was never my intention, but now I had started I was struggling to stop. For some reason I wanted to tell Julian everything. “It usually just boiled down to sex. After the first couple of times I found any excuse possible not to be alone with him. It worked for a while but then my dad had to go away to some sort of conference thing and Jay knew I was home alone for the weekend. I lost count of how many times he did it in those two days. I tried to fight him off but I wasn’t strong enough, I tried to run but I wasn’t fast enough. I just made him angrier and angrier until he had beaten me so badly I could no longer protest.” I paused as I glanced over the rim of my wine glass to try to gauge Julian’s reaction to what I was tellin
g him. He simply stared at the floor, his fists clenched tightly in his lap, his jaw tensed, and I realised he had heard enough. “Anyway, as soon as my dad got home and found me he took me to the hospital and called the police. I told them everything and they took Jay straight in. I don’t think he honestly believed that I would ever tell anyone what he did, and I nearly didn’t testify. Then I found out I was pregnant and I knew I had no choice.” I placed my glass down on the table, deliberately louder than necessary to signal the fact that I had finished my story as Julian still stared at the floor.
“I promise you, Emily, I will find him and I will kill him. I will not let him hurt you again!”
I looked up to meet his furious glare. “And where exactly will that get us, Julian? You in prison and me by myself, yeah, that would work out really well, wouldn’t it?”
“I will not let him hurt you, Emily,” he repeated through tightly gritted teeth.
“And I will not let you put yourself in danger for me.”
“We’ll see.”
Julian held me for what seemed like a long time before I finally admitted defeat and retired to my temporary bed, beside my sleeping angel. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to sleep as I replayed the day’s events in my head but Julian had promised to keep us safe and, for reasons I didn’t understand, I believed him. I trusted him with my life.
I lifted my head from the pillow as the bedroom door opened. There was no light, and it was still dark outside the window but I could make out the shadow of the tall man that stood beside my bed.
“Julian?” I questioned, wondering what was going on. Had something happened? I blinked rapidly, trying to fully awaken as I waited for his reply. It didn’t come.
Suddenly he was on top of me, his heavy body crushing mine. He panted hard as his wet mouth kissed up and down my neck .I couldn’t struggle, I couldn’t scream. Maia was in the room, if I woke her with my pleas he might go to her, he might hurt her! I sobbed as quietly as was possible as I prepared myself to endure whatever he had planned for me. A deafening cry escaped from my lips as his rough hand yanked my thigh up around his hip. Please god, no! I prayed; please don’t let him do this to me! His hand found my backside and he squeezed, hard. I cried out in pain as his fingernails dug into my soft skin.
“Emily!” I heard a familiar voice. “Emily! Wake up!”
My eyes flew open as I thrashed my hands out toward the man crouched beside me. I felt my fists make contact with something solid. Maybe a head or a chest. A very solid chest. Shit, Julian!
“Emily, stop! It’s me, it’s Julian! I’m not going to hurt you. You’re having a nightmare!” I felt his weight shift on the bed beside me as he pulled me closer to him, his arm wrapping tightly around my waist. “It’s okay, baby. I’m here; I won’t let anybody hurt you.”
As Julian’s soft hand stroked up and down my arm, I calmed. I had awoken fully by this point and had realised my nightmare as a huge wave of relief washed over me. My breathing began to steady as I looked over to Maia. She was still sleeping restfully.
“It’s okay.” Julian still soothed close to my ear.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
Julian’s head shot up as he twisted slightly to get a better view of my tear stained face. “You’re sorry? Sorry for what?”
“For everything. For waking you up, for keeping you up in the first place. For lashing out at you. But, mostly for telling you and dragging you into this mess, you didn’t deserve that.”
“Emily, stop. Firstly you didn’t wake me, I was already awake. Secondly, I’m kind of a night owl; I don’t sleep much so you didn’t keep me up. And, thirdly, don’t ever apologise for being truthful with me. I’m not sorry that you told me, I’m glad you did. I want to help you, Emily. And I will!” He pulled me into his chest again, his soft lips brushing my hair. “You can sleep now.” he whispered as his arms loosened and he began to lift himself off the bed.
“Julian?”
He paused and twisted his head back towards me. “Yes?”
“Please don’t go,” I begged. With my nightmare still fresh in my thoughts, I didn’t want to be alone. I had never felt as safe as I did in Julian’s arms.
“I’m here,” he said as he inched closer to me.
He gently coaxed me onto my side so that I was facing away from him, then I felt his warmth against my back, against my legs, as he curled up against my body, his strong arm wrapped tightly around my middle.
I yawned heavily and stretched across the width of the bed. Something felt wrong; the bed was cold beside me. Julian was no longer with me. I lifted my head and glanced over to where Maia had slept. She was no longer there. I leapt out of bed and hurried across the room.
I entered the living area and I was greeted by a very welcoming scene. Julian was sitting on the floor beside the coffee table, his elbows leaning against the polished surface, his fists curled under his chin. A wide smile spread across his face, his eyes glowing – with what exactly I wasn’t sure. Maia was leaning across the opposite side of the table, a joyful smile fixed firmly on her perfect little face.
“This goes here,” she squealed in delight. “I did it, I did it!”
Julian’s gaze left Maia and turned to me. Flashing his most dazzling smile, he placed the piece of jigsaw he was holding and stood.
“Good morning. How did you sleep?” he asked as he crossed the room and entered the kitchen area. He flicked the switch on the kettle and gathered two cups from the cupboard.
“Good, thank you. Well, apart from the obvious, I’m sorry about that.” Julian appeared to frown at my answer although I wasn’t sure why.
I had slept very well once Julian was beside me. I felt safe knowing that he was there and I felt content at the feel of his warm body against mine. Maia bounced over to me and squeezed my leg as she informed me of how clever she was and how she could do her jigsaw all by herself now. Her jigsaw was one of her favourite things to do, which is why it had been the first thing I packed into her bag the night before.
“Would you like tea or coffee?” Julian called from the kitchen area.
“Tea, please.” I approached the kitchen, as Maia returned to her jigsaw, and pulled out one of the leather stools. As I sat down I noticed Julian grinning at me from the opposite side of the breakfast bar.
“What?” I asked. My cheeks warming with their increased blood flow.
“My T-shirt suits you.” His eyes wandered over the large shirt that hung off my left shoulder. I pulled at the material quickly, trying to keep just a little bit of my modesty.
“Thank you,” I replied nervously. I wasn’t sure whether his remark was indeed a compliment or whether he was being sarcastic.
“You’re very welcome.” He smiled warmly at me; his eyes intensely locked with mine.
Handing me a large mug of tea, Julian sat down on the remaining bar stool, twisting it slightly so that he was facing me. “So, what do you want to do today?” he asked before taking a long slurp of his coffee. My eyes involuntarily fixed on his throat and watched the way his prominent Adam’s apple moved sensuously as he swallowed. My cheeks flushed as I tore my gaze away.
“I’m supposed to be going to college but I’m not going to leave Maia. Aren’t you working?”
“No, I’ve had Ryan clear my schedule for the day.”
“I thought Ryan just managed the club? Is there anything he doesn’t do?”
“Ryan is what I’d suppose you’d call my right hand man. He assists me with whatever I ask him to.” he replied with a cocky grin.
He glanced over to where Maia was still piecing together her princess jigsaw and when his eyes returned to mine they were narrowed slightly, as if in concentration.
“I’ll have a member of my security team positioned at the nursery for the day. That way Maia can stick to her usual routine and you can relax in the knowledge that she can’t be harmed,” he stated matter-of-factly with no question.
“Julian, you don’t need to do that. I�
�d rather she were here with me, if that’s okay with you, I mean. You’ve put yourself out enough for us.”
“There’s no question of whether it’s okay with me, you should know that. I just thought there would be no point in unnecessarily disrupting her routine. Trust me, Emily; I have a very committed workforce. I’ll send Jason, he will not let anyone in or out of that nursery without proving their identity and he sure as hell will not let anyone near Maia.” He placed his hand on my naked thigh and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He frowned as he quickly removed his hand, inhaling deeply as he turned his head away. “You should put some clothes on, you’ll get cold,” he said as he stood and rounded the breakfast bar, a deep frown still contorting his face.
Well, thanks! I thought. There was absolutely no chance of feeling cold in this apartment with the heating seemingly on full-blast and a roaring fire burning across the room, so, clearly he just didn’t wish to see me walking around half naked. Mind you, I couldn’t blame him. My legs didn’t get to see much sunlight, I had never been confident enough with their appearance to openly walk around in public with them on show. Their very pale and slightly too-slender appearance couldn’t be much of a turn on to this incredible, beautiful-in-every-way, sex god! I stood and returned my mug to the sink.
“If you wish to take a shower you’ll find everything you need in the bathroom off your room.”
“Great, thanks.” My cheeks heated as I passed him, desperately trying to pull the over large T-shirt lower down my bare thighs.
I gathered Maia from her game and made for the bathroom. I had packed spare clothes for both me and Maia the previous evening. As I rummaged through the small case I sincerely wished that I had packed something a little more feminine, or at least some high heels! Oh well, skinny jeans and cowboy boots were my best hope.
I entered the spacious en-suite bathroom and was shocked to see various bottles of women’s toiletries. I was sure these hadn’t been here last night when I used the toilet. On the edge of the bath was a neat line consisting of five assorted bottles. On closer inspection I was sure my heart would have actually melted if it was possible. The first two bottles were of a luxury papaya shampoo and matching conditioner, definitely meant for a female. The next was a large bottle of luxury honeydew shower crème. And the next two were what had melted my heart. One No More Tears shampoo, specially formulated for children, apparently, and one No More Tears top to toe wash and bubble bath in one. So, I was right then, these definitely hadn’t been here last night. I wondered when he had possibly had the time to get these.