*****
Opening
Evening. Light music comes softly from the sound system. A distant rumble from the engines is just perceptible enough to be noticed when it changes or stops. Zenobia is seated at the desk busy with an administrative task.
Anne enters right from the restaurant and approaches the desk.
ANNE Excuse me ...
ZENOBIA Yes?
ANNE I'm sorry to be a nuisance, but would it be possible for some of us to change from group A to group B for tomorrow's tour?
ZENOBIA How many will that be?
ANNE Four.
ZENOBIA (checking a list) Yes - that will be perfectly all right. What names?
ANNE Gardner, Thompson, Booth and Schlossberger.
ZENOBIA (surprised) Schlossberger?
ANNE Yes - why?
ZENOBIA She asked to change from B to A.
ANNE When was that?
ZENOBIA Yesterday afternoon.
ANNE Oh, she's evidently changed her mind again today. You know what she's like.
ZENOBIA (shuddering) Yes.
ANNE Well, thank you so much.
ZENOBIA You're welcome.
Anne returns to the restaurant.
Mike with Evelyn, Dennis with Yvette and Walter with Sue enter from the restaurant on their way to the bar in the lounge. Their banter is completely light-hearted.
MIKE The usual, everyone?
Murmurs of assent from everyone but Sue.
SUE Not for me, thanks; I'll just have a bitter lemon.
MIKE Are you sure?
SUE Yes, thanks. I had rather more wine at dinner than I intended.
WALTER You didn't complain at the time.
SUE I'm not complaining now. It was very nice. I just don't want to make a fool of myself.
DENNIS Afraid of making a pass at the captain's sidekick?
YVETTE I wouldn't call that so very foolish. He is rather dishy.
DENNIS I can see I'll have to keep an eye on you.
MIKE Well, it's worth keeping.
YVETTE Thank you, kind sir. And to what do I owe such compliments?
DENNIS He's after something, you can be sure.
YVETTE Well, if it's what you usually have in mind, he isn't going to get it.
MIKE (mock-melodramatic) La belle dame sans merci! Spurned again ... (Normally) Anyway, that's two beers, a gin and tonic, one Grouse, one Kahlua and a bitter lemon. Right?
WALTER I'm glad the right priorities are reasserting themselves
MIKE "A woman is only a woman ..." - what was the rest of it?
DENNIS "But a good cigar is a smoke."
EVELYN Not in here, it isn't. You can do what you like on deck.
DENNIS May I hold you to that?
EVELYN Neither literally nor figuratively. Get away with you!
MIKE A bit off the point anyway. Grab a table, will you? And make sure it's nowhere near that insufferable Schlossberger woman.
He moves off left towards the bar. Evelyn is about to follow but is struck by a thought.
EVELYN Just a moment - what about tomorrow's programme?
WALTER (who is nearest to the easel) It isn't posted yet.
DENNIS Never mind, there'll be plenty of time later on. Come on!
There are no objections and the party moves off left.
Ruth and George enter right, in earnest discussion, together with Iris and Brian. They cross slowly
RUTH … all very well, but I don't see why you don't simply put the stuff back in the reactor to fry it all. It seems the obvious thing.
GEORGE Because it simply wouldn't work - at least, not for most of it. Only about half a dozen elements could really qualify, and there are serious doubts about one of those. You're much better off simply sticking the whole lot down a hole where most of us could forget about it.
BRIAN Better still not making the stuff in the first place.
IRIS For heaven's sake - do you have to keep talking shop?
GEORGE Sorry – but you did raise the question.
IRIS I wish to goodness I'd kept my mouth shut!
BRIAN We should do more with wind and tide, anyway.
GEORGE Certainly, up to a point. But I'm not going to inflict all that on Iris! If you really want it, I'll send you my notes when we get home.
Brian and George carry on slowly to the bar. Ruth and Iris look casually at the notice board.
RUTH Why on earth do men get so tied up in their boring concerns that they forget everything else?
IRIS They'd probably say much the same about us.
RUTH Surely we don't go on anything like that?
IRIS Haven't you heard Queenie Whatsername after one of her bridge sessions?
RUTH I suppose there has to be an exception to prove the rule.
IRIS Or Karen Pargeter on golf? Linda Williamson on GM crops?
RUTH Oh, all right. Point taken. By the way ...
IRIS What?
RUTH Oh, nothing. Come on - they'll be on their second round if we take much longer.
They move briskly to the bar. Orville enters left and goes to the desk.
ORVILLE Have you got the excursion lists for tomorrow?
ZENOBIA Nearly done. There was a bit of confusion when one party changed its mind.
ORVILLE Any problem?
ZENOBIA No, there was enough slack to take it. I'll be just a few minutes - barring any other snags.
ORVILLE Thanks, Zenobia.
He heads for the door UC. Queenie has entered from the bar and is hovering.
QUEENIE (penetratingly American) Say, is Zenobia really your name?
ZENOBIA Yes, but most people just call me Zena. What can I do for you?
QUEENIE It's about the noise in the lounge - can't something be done about it?
ZENOBIA There were supposed to be sound-proofing tiles on the ceiling, but the refitting was running late and that job had to be put off. I'm sorry.
QUEENIE But in our bridge school we can't hear the bids. We can't hardly hear ourselves think, in fact.
ZENOBIA I suppose we might ask the dining room staff to clear a table for you in there.
QUEENIE That's no good - the tables are the wrong shape. Can't you just ask people to be quiet while we're playing?
ZENOBIA I doubt if they would - at least, not for any length of time. It is a public room, after all.
QUEENIE I'd have thought they might have had more consideration.
ZENOBIA Have you thought - would you put yourself out for them?
QUEENIE That's different - we don't disturb anyone.
ZENOBIA Some people were very cross about your calling during the concert last night.
QUEENIE Well, we had to raise our voices to make ourselves heard over the caterwauling. Why shouldn't we?
ZENOBIA Quite a lot of people wanted to hear the music. Perhaps they thought you might have had more consideration.
QUEENIE We've paid good money for this cruise and we don't expect it to be spoiled by other people.
ZENOBIA Yes, of course. But so have the other passengers.
QUEENIE See here, young woman, I don't like your attitude.
ZENOBIA I'm sorry, Mrs. Schlossberger. Perhaps you'd like to lodge an official complaint.
QUEENIE You know, I think I may very well do just that.
She sweeps off indignantly leaving Zenobia rather agitated.
Orville returns.
ORVILLE Those lists –
ZENOBIA What? Oh, yes ...
ORVILLE Is something the matter?
ZENOBIA Oh, it's nothing.
ORVILLE Come on, out with it.
ZENOBIA All right. It's that dreadful Mrs. Schlossberger again.
ORVILLE I might have guessed. What's she on about this time?
ZENOBIA She was complaining about the noise level in the lounge - wants everyone else to shut up while her party's playing bridge.
ORVI
LLE Good lord!
ZENOBIA Honestly, I've met arrogance before, and some pretty extreme examples, but she takes the biscuit.
ORVILLE I'd say the whole packet.
ZENOBIA And then - I know we agreed to let it rest, but I let it slip out that other people were angry at her spoiling the concert.
ORVILLE How did she react to that?
ZENOBIA As you might expect - it was everyone else's fault.
ORVILLE Typical!
ZENOBIA I'm afraid there's going to be trouble.
ORVILLE What sort?
ZENOBIA She complained of my attitude, and I suggested she should make it official. She said she probably would.
ORVILLE Well, we are supposed to be tactful with even the most awkward customers, but that woman goes beyond all reason. If she does put in a complaint, make sure it comes to me - I'll know what to do with it.
ZENOBIA Thanks. I'm sorry to be making difficulties for you.
ORVILLE Dealing with difficulties is what I'm paid for. And life could be very boring without them!
ZENOBIA No fear of that!
Enter Anne, Helen and Xanthi from the restaurant.
HELEN Well, here goes.
XANTHI I hope we won't have another do like last night. It was so embarrassing - I didn't know where to put myself.
ANNE I know how you feel. But we'd better get a move on. Queenie will be getting impatient.
XANTHI Getting? She always is.
HELEN It won't do her any harm to wait a bit. I must have a word with the girl at Reception.
XANTHI Is there anything new on the notice board? I've left my glasses in the cabin.
ANNE I don't think so.
HELEN (to Zenobia) Excuse me ...
ZENOBIA Yes?
HELEN I'm sorry to disturb you ...
ZENOBIA It's quite all right. How can I help you?
HELEN It's about last night. I believe our carrying on with the bridge game during the concert caused some resentment.
ZENOBIA Well - yes, I'm afraid it did.
HELEN We tend to get carried away, I'm afraid. Is there any way we can apologise to everyone without making too much of a song and dance about it?
ZENOBIA Hmm - I don't think that's really necessary. But it probably would be appreciated if you could keep your voices down in future.
HELEN Well, we can try - not that I think there's much chance with you-know-who. But I really think we should do something more positive to make peace. If we were to draft a little note, could you type and copy it? - I know it would make more work for you -
ZENOBIA Work is what I'm here for.
HELEN That's very kind of you. Though one for every cabin seems an awful lot ...
ZENOBIA We could put one on every table in the restaurant.
HELEN Oh, excellent. Thank you so much.
ZENOBIA You're welcome.
Helen returns to Anne and Xanthi.
XANTHI Well?
HELEN If we draft an apology for the disturbance we caused last night, she'll get it distributed.
ANNE What sort of apology?
HELEN That's up to us. I think fairly informal ...
Enter Queenie left.
QUEENIE What the hell are you three playing at? I was beginning to think you'd gone overboard.
HELEN We were thinking about an apology to the rest of the passengers ...
QUEENIE Apology? What do you want to apologise for?
XANTHI For making so much noise during the concert last night.
QUEENIE It was nothing to the noise those so-called entertainers were making.
ANNE No, but other people wanted to listen to them, not to us.
QUEENIE Huh! There's nothing to stop you apologising if you think you must, but you're fools if you do. And if you think I'm going to do anything of the sort you've got another think coming.
ANNE But surely ...
QUEENIE You have to insist on your rights. No one else will do it for you.
HELEN I don't think there is a right to disturb other people's enjoyment.
QUEENIE Who was making the disturbance in the first place? Come on! If we don't get back there someone else will have grabbed our table.
HELEN Well, will you at least try to keep your voice down?
QUEENIE Why on earth should I?
XANTHI (goaded too far) Because you're a pain in the neck!
The other three are thunderstruck.
QUEENIE What!!!?
XANTHI I'm sick of this whole bridge business. I don't even like the game particularly - I only joined in because you needed someone to make up the foursome, and now you've upset everyone else on the boat with your appalling behaviour I want nothing more to do with it. I'd be far happier reading a book.
ANNE Phew!
QUEENIE But Xanthi ... I don't understand. Helen, can't you persuade her?
HELEN I doubt it. In fact I don't think I want to. If I'd had the guts I'd probably have said much the same myself.
QUEENIE But why ... ?
HELEN How about a quiet game of Scrabble?
ANNE Suits me.
QUEENIE (incredulous) Scrabble! What the devil's come over you?
HELEN Queenie, I don't want to be offensive, but you seem to be missing the point. Have you ever tried to see yourself as you appear to other people?
QUEENIE No, I'm not interested. Why should I be?
HELEN You do make it difficult! I don't suppose it's ever occurred to you, but you really should try to understand that the rest of the world doesn't revolve around bridge.
QUEENIE But what else ...?
HELEN (finally snapping) Nor, if it comes to that, around you.
Queenie is temporarily dumbstruck by these heresies and collapses into a chair. The other three move to the bar. Zenobia notices and comes solicitously to her aid.
ZENOBIA Are you all right, Mrs. Schlossberger?
QUEENIE (vaguely) What?
ZENOBIA Do you need any help? Can I get you something?
QUEENIE (recovering herself) No, I do not, and you cannot. If you think by trying to ingratiate yourself you can get out of ...
Orville approaches.
ORVILLE Is anything the matter, Mrs. Schlossberger?
QUEENIE I'll thank you not to butt into what doesn't concern you, young man.
ORVILLE But anything that upsets passengers on this ship does concern me. What's the problem?
QUEENIE Oh ... Get knotted, the whole damn lot of you!
She stalks off to the bar.
ZENOBIA What can you do with her?
ORVILLE Short of putting cyanide in her coffee, very little, I'm afraid.
ZENOBIA I wonder no one's done it. But I suppose there's time yet.
ORVILLE Now don't wish that on us! The last thing we want is a police investigation.
ZENOBIA Why, is there something ... ?
ORVILLE No, nothing to interest them. But it would completely disrupt the cruise. And if we do have Hercule Poirot on board to clear it up he's very well disguised.
ZENOBIA We might have a Miss Marple.
ORVILLE Now that should provide you with a little harmless amusement - working out which of the crowd it might be.
ZENOBIA I wonder ...
ORVILLE What?
ZENOBIA We were going to have another concert from the sextet, but after last night I can't see them wanting to risk a repetition.
ORVILLE So?
ZENOBIA How about a competition to identify Miss Marple?
ORVILLE Hmm. Instead of find the murderer, find the sleuth? It's an idea. How would you work it?
ZENOBIA I hadn't thought it out. It was only a silly comment.
ORVILLE Maybe not so silly. Fancy working it up a bit?
ZENOBIA All right. I'll see what I can do.
Enter Tom right.
TOM Excuse me …
ORVILLE Yes?
TOM Are you busy?
TOM It's only a trivial point –
ORVILLE Never mind – it'll probably make a pleasant change from the more serious ones.
TOM Well, I overheard someone mention that there was a descendant of the line's founder on board, as one of the crew. Is that right?
ORVILLE Yes, as it happens. It's Grigori, the barman on duty tonight.
TOM Ah.
ORVILLE Why the interest – if you don't mind my asking?
TOM Well, I suppose that makes him a slightly more distant descendant of the legendary Eugene Onegin.
ORVILLE Yes, but I still don't see why –
TOM It's just something I'm contemplating.
Enter Jim from the restaurant.
TOM Oh, Jim, have you a moment? (To Orville) I'll tell you more if it comes to anything.
JIM What? Oh, yes; what is it?
ORVILLE (to Zenobia) Very odd. I wonder what all that's about.
ZENOBIA It looks as though you'll just have to wonder for the time being.
Exit Orville DR.
TOM (taking Jim aside) I'd like you to treat this as confidential for the present.
JIM Yes, of course. What is it?
TOM You've probably heard that the Government's setting up a public consultation on fisheries policy.
JIM Well, yes. It was on the news only last week. But I don't see what it has to do with me.
TOM I'm coming to that. Now I know we've only been acquainted for a couple of days, but you've struck me as having a lot of common sense. Would you care to be on the committee being set up to handle the consultation?
JIM What!!?
TOM It would only mean a half day meeting every couple of weeks for about three months. And there's a nice little honorarium - not that it signifies, of course.
JIM But I don't know the first thing about fisheries!
TOM Excellent. That's the one essential qualification. And of course your position would look good on the reports.
JIM I don't understand ...
TOM It's quite simple. People who know anything substantial about the subject might come up with the wrong conclusion, so naturally we want people who don't - they'll have an open mind.
JIM I dare say, but there's a difference between an open mind and one completely blank. And what's the point of having a public consultation if you've already made up your mind on the result?
TOM To get a whole range of opinions. One of them's bound to be more or less the same as has been decided - close enough to tweak into it, at any rate. Then at the end of the period we announce that as the conclusion, with a few added bells and whistles that the Civil Service will provide, and Bob's your uncle.
JIM So that's how it's done. Well, I can't say that a little extra pocket money would be unwelcome ... How much, as a matter of interest?
TOM Only nominal, I'm afraid. Ten thousand. Plus expenses, of course.
JIM Ten thousand! That's ...
TOM I'm sorry it's so paltry. But the department's having an economy drive at present. Anyway, I'll speak to you later about it.
Tom goes towards the bar. Carol has emerged from the restaurant and overheard something of the conversation.
CAROL What was all that about?
JIM (bemused) He's just offered me ten thousand quid for three months' occasional work on a Government committee.
CAROL There must be some mistake, surely. What committee?
JIM Something to do with fisheries policy.
CAROL But you don't know anything about it - do you?
Helen comes from the bar with a slip of paper that she takes to the desk and discusses inaudibly with Zenobia. Hearing something of the following conversation she takes notice and returns rather more urgently to the bar.
JIM Not a thing. But he said that was what was wanted. Keeping an open mind and all that.
CAROL Sounds fishy to me.
JIM Carol!
CAROL Sorry, it just slipped out. But the people on these committees - they may not be specialists in the subject, but they're usually distinguished in some field or other. And I don't mean to disparage you, dear, but being a redundant lecturer isn't all that great a distinction.
JIM Hmm. He said something about my position looking good on reports. You don't think he could have mistaken me for someone else, do you?
CAROL It looks rather like it. But who?
JIM How should I know? I'm not a mind-reader.
CAROL Well, I should play him along if I were you. We could use that ten thousand.
Helen returns with Anne.
JIM I know. But when he finds out ...
CAROL Who says he's going to?
HELEN (quietly) Excuse me, Sir Charles ... (Jim takes no notice. More loudly) Excuse me.
JIM What?
HELEN I don't mean to blow your incognito, but we weren't told what name you were using.
JIM What the dickens are you talking about?
HELEN Oh, I'm sorry ... My mistake. (Sotto voce) Right, we'll keep up the pretence. But we must speak with you - in private. (She scribbles a brief note on a slip of paper and surreptitiously slips it into his pocket).
CAROL What is all this?
HELEN Just a case of mistaken identity, I'm afraid. I'm sorry to have bothered you. Come on, Anne.
Helen and Anne exit UC.
CAROL What on earth's going on?
JIM (ironic) Search me.
She does, and retrieves Helen's note.
CAROL "Cabin 206, nine o'clock." Why, you two-timing rat!
JIM Honestly, Carol, I don't understand it any more than you do.
CAROL That's what they all say.
JIM Who do?
CAROL Philanderers when they're found out.
JIM But I've never seen the woman before this holiday!
CAROL All right, I was only joking. But it's the standard response, isn't it? Though frankly I can't see you being that quick off the mark.
JIM Thank goodness for that!
CAROL And Phil Anders or whoever he is would probably be less obvious. What are you going to do about it?
JIM I don't know. What do you think?
CAROL It's peculiar, but I'm interested. I think you should keep the assignation.
JIM Are you sure?
CAROL Yes. But I'm coming too! What's the time now?
JIM Ten to nine.
CAROL Then we'd better get our drinks and be on our way.
Jim and Carol exit to the bar. Karen, Vera, Nerys, Ursula, Linda and Freda enter from the restaurant and approach the desk. During the following conversation, Karen surreptitiously puts an envelope on the desk.
ZENOBIA Good evening, ladies. What can I do for you?
KAREN Er - I'm afraid this is a bit embarrassing -
ZENOBIA Oh?
KAREN It's about tomorrow evening. - we were going to give another recital, you remember.
ZENOBIA Of course ...
KAREN But after last night -
VERA It really was intolerable.
NERYS It was quite impossible to concentrate. How we ever managed to keep together goodness only knows.
URSULA I'm afraid I didn't at times.
LINDA Didn't you? I didn't notice.
VERA I did - but they were tricky bits anyway.
ZENOBIA Ladies -
KAREN I'm sorry, we're wasting your time. The point is - I'm sorry -
FREDA For goodness' sake stop beating about the bush. The point is that we simply can't perform again under those conditions or anything like them.
KAREN Quite. I'm dreadfully sorry to let you down, but in the circumstances ...
ZENOBIA Please don't worry about it. I was talking to Orville about it earlier - we can't expect you to put up with that sort of background again.
KAREN Ah.
ZENOBIA Actually three of the bridge party were very embarrassed and apologetic about it.
>
FREDA I should hope so - and I can guess who the odd one is.
LINDA It isn't exactly a Mastermind question.
URSULA We don't like letting people down ...
ZENOBIA Of course you don't. That's understood.
URSULA But can you find anything else to fill the slot?
ZENOBIA Maybe. But it isn't the end of the world if we don't. Please don't worry about it.
KAREN Thanks for being so understanding. It's a great relief.
The sextet troops off to the lounge.
ORVILLE It looks as though we may need your "Find the sleuth" game.
ZENOBIA I'll try to work something out.
George and Brian enter from the lounge.
GEORGE Damn - missed them.
BRIAN Can't be by much. Did you manage to set up that bug?
GEORGE Yes, on the party wall in 208, back of the closet. Someone left the door open to visit another cabin. We should pick up anything that's going on in 206.
BRIAN Good. Better go and monitor it. I'll keep an eye on Schlossberger.
They leave, Brian left, George DR. Tom enters right and approaches the desk.
TOM Have you a moment, Zena?
ZENOBIA Yes, certainly.
TOM I hear that the plans for tomorrow's entertainment have fallen through.
ZENOBIA Yes, I'm afraid so. The sextet felt that they couldn't perform adequately in the conditions - you know what last night was like.
TOM The wonder is they carried on as they did. Well, I've an idea for a little alternative.
ZENOBIA That could be very helpful. What is it?
TOM You remember I was asking earlier about Grigori?
ZENOBIA About his being one of the Onegins, yes.
TOM And I'm sure you know Pushkin's piece about the egregious Eugene, or at least the opera that was made out of it.
ZENOBIA Only in outline, I'm afraid.
TOM The bit about his fatal duel with Lensky, at any rate.
ZENOBIA Yes, but ...?
TOM Well, Lensky wasn't quite the innocent that people suppose. In fact he had an illegitimate daughter.
ZENOBIA (not very interested) Oh?
TOM And to cut a long story short, I'm a fairly distant descendant of hers. I've had a word with Grigori, and I gather tomorrow's his day off. He's quite willing, as a bit of amusement, to have a kind of spoof duel that may or may not even the score.
ZENOBIA By spoof, I hope you mean without lethal weapons?
TOM Of course. No weapons, no injuries, no mess on the floor - at least, none that can't easily be cleared up.
ZENOBIA That's a relief! What sort of duel, then?
TOM A battle with paper darts - see who can get the most into a suitable receptacle. And after we've done our bit, anyone who feels like it can have a go.
ZENOBIA Hmm - sounds a possibility. I'll have a word with Orville about it. Thanks for the suggestion.
TOM You're welcome.
Jim and Carol enter DR.
TOM Hello, returning to the fray?
CAROL Yes, I fancy a nightcap. Will you join us?
TOM Thanks, but will you excuse me? I've a little problem that needs some attention.
JIM Nothing serious, I hope?
TOM Fortunately not, but thank you. By the way, have you thought about that little matter we were discussing earlier?
JIM Yes, but I'm still thinking.
TOM No desperate hurry. Good night.
Exit DR. Tom and Carol head for the bar but ...
ZENOBIA Oh, Mr. Cartwright ...
JIM Yes?
ZENOBIA There's an envelope here addressed to you.
JIM Oh? Who from?
ZENOBIA I've only just noticed it. I think Miss Pargeter must have left it a few minutes ago.
JIM Without comment?
ZENOBIA She didn't say anything about it. But then she had something else on her mind. Of course I can't be sure it was her.
CAROL How many women do you have chasing you?
JIM Now don't start that again. It's getting embarrassing.
CAROL I wonder why you've suddenly become attractive to so many of them.
JIM Come off it. Helen was only interested in business. We've no idea what this is about. And in any case, two hardly amount to "so many."
CAROL Don't forget me.
JIM You're not chasing - you bagged me long ago.
CAROL That may not stop you wriggling.
JIM You needn't worry. I don't even know who Miss Pargeter is.
ZENOBIA She leads the sextet that performed last night.
CAROL Oh, it's Karen. I didn't know her surname.
ZENOBIA Yes.
CAROL Well, you're right. I don't think I do need worry too much there.
JIM Miaow!
CAROL Miaow yourself. You weren't any too flattering last night. Anyway, what's in that envelope?
JIM It's addressed only to me.
CAROL Don't give me that. Come on, open up!
Jim opens the envelope, takes out a single sheet of paper and looks startled.
JIM It's marked "Confidential."
CAROL Let me see.
JIM Not here, I think.
He returns the sheet to the envelope, pockets it, and they depart to the bar. George enters DR and heads for the bar but bumps into Brian emerging from it.
BRIAN Ah, there you are. Any luck?
GEORGE Total washout, I'm afraid.
BRIAN What went wrong?
GEORGE I dunno. All I got was a buzzing noise. Well, practically all.
BRIAN Practically?
GEORGE There were women's voices in the background, but nothing intelligible.
BRIAN Win some, lose some. Come and have a drink.
Both leave left. Enter Orville DR.
ORVILLE Have you had a chance to finish those lists?
ZENOBIA Yes, here they are.
ORVILLE Thanks.
He posts them on the easel. A moment later the engine sound slackens enough for him to notice.
ORVILLE Hello ...
ZENOBIA What?
ORVILLE We're slowing down.
ZENOBIA Coming to a lock?
ORVILLE Shouldn't be - we're not due for another couple of hours or so. I'll nip up to the bridge and see what's happening.
Exit UC. Enter Brian left.
BRIAN We seem to be slowing down.
ZENOBIA Yes. Orville's just gone to find out why.
BRIAN Something untoward, then.
ZENOBIA It looks like it.
The telephone rings and Zenobia answers.
ZENOBIA Reception ... No, he's just gone up to the bridge ... I see. Right. (Replacing the receiver) Damn!
BRIAN Problems?
ZENOBIA Yes. Orville's getting briefed about them. He'll explain in a few minutes.
Nerys enters from the bar.
NERYS People are saying that something's wrong. What's happening?
ZENOBIA I'm not sure, but it's nothing directly affecting the ship. Orville's gone to find out - he shouldn't be long.
An assorted crowd emerges from the bar and mills around in a confused hubbub. Queenie's voice inevitably rises above it.
QUEENIE What the hell's going on, that's what I want to know.
ZENOBIA We all do, but if you'll try to be patient for a moment ...
QUEENIE Patient? Why should I be patient? We've a right to know.
ZENOBIA You will, as soon as we have anything to tell you.
Orville enters UC and has almost to fight his way to the desk. He uses a mobile phone as roving microphone for the public address system.
ORVILLE Can I have your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen? (The noise gradually subsides) Thank you. You've probably noticed that the ship has slowed down - in fact, we've all but stopped. If you've looked at the river ahead you'll have seen an unusual cluster of lights; there's a kind of traffic jam.
BRI
AN Why? What's happening?
ORVILLE It seems that a barge about ten miles ahead was badly loaded, the cargo shifted, and with the resulting damage the vessel sank.
GEORGE Can't we get past it? Surely the river's wide enough.
ORVILLE That's true, but much of it is shallow. The barge skipper apparently tried to get out of the deep channel when he realised he was going down, but when the bow struck, the current swung the stern round and the wreck lies cross-ways.
TOM Right across?
ORVILLE Practically. Small craft can get by, but nothing this size.
FREDA So we're stuck?
ORVILLE Not quite. We're going slowly ahead, and the river authorities are bringing up a lifting vessel in the hope of swinging the stern of the wreck far enough to allow one-way traffic, but it's going to take time. Those things can't move fast. And of course even then we'll have to wait at times for traffic coming the other way - probably at reduced speed.
HELEN So what about tomorrow's programme?
ORVILLE Washed out, I'm afraid. There's no chance at all of docking as we intended. We shall of course refund the cost of any excursions that have to be cancelled. I don't expect any more news tonight, but if I hear anything definite at a reasonable hour, I'll let you know. Thank you.
Most of the crowd disperses, except Queenie.
ORVILLE Well, Zenobia, it looks as though we'll need all the ideas for entertainment that we can get. Better work up your "Spot the sleuth" idea.
ZENOBIA Do you think it'll be more than a day's delay?
ORVILLE I didn't like to say, but we'll be lucky if it isn't. Keep quiet unless people ask.
ZENOBIA Right.
QUEENIE (quietly) Excuse me ...
ORVILLE Yes?
QUEENIE Do you know what happened to the barge crew?
ORVILLE They've been taken off. They were never in any real danger - didn't even get their feet wet, apparently.
QUEENIE Oh, good. Thank you. Good night.
ORVILLE Good night.
He turns to Zenobia, then suddenly registers the incongruity and stares in astonishment after Queenie as she leaves DR.
ORVILLE Good lord!
Lights and engine sound fade out.
Fade in the next morning. The engine rumble has ceased. Orville and Zenobia are still at the desk. Enter Karen DR.
KAREN I say - you haven't been here all night, have you?
ORVILLE No, it just feels like it. Actually we packed up not long after the big announcement.
KAREN Is there any news?
ORVILLE Afraid not. None that I've heard, anyway. You probably realised we've anchored.
KAREN Yes, I heard the racket. No point in wasting fuel if we aren't going anywhere, I suppose.
ORVILLE Exactly. Sorry if it disturbed you.
KAREN Couldn't be helped. But we were thinking - with not docking, and I don't suppose there's any chance of being ferried ashore ...
ORVILLE Not really. There's nothing for you along this stretch anyway.
KAREN It does look pretty industrial. ... so with people being at a loose end on board it would really be rather inconsiderate not to have this evening's recital, for all that we said last night; would you like to reinstate it?
ORVILLE That would be very helpful - thanks very much.
ZENOBIA Actually ...
KAREN Yes?
ZENOBIA I think the bridge school's broken up, so you shouldn't have the same problem.
ORVILLE Unless Mrs. Schlossberger manages to assemble another coterie.
ZENOBIA From what people have said it doesn't seem very likely. I've never known anyone to make herself quite so unpopular in so short a time - that's just between ourselves, of course.
KAREN Of course. You might almost think she was doing it deliberately. Anyway, I think I hear the others coming - I mustn't disturb you any longer.
Exit right to the restaurant. Vera, Ursula and Linda enter DR chattering inconsequentially and follow, exchanging brief greetings with Orville and Zenobia in passing.
ORVILLE "Doing it deliberately" ... I wonder.
ZENOBIA What?
ORVILLE Sorry - I was talking to myself.
ZENOBIA Careful - you know what they say!
ORVILLE Yes. But I wonder if Miss Pargeter could have had something there. Did you notice last night ... ?
ZENOBIA What?
ORVILLE After the announcement about the hold-up, no one showed the slightest concern for anything but their own interests - except one.
ZENOBIA Mrs. Schlossberger.
ORVILLE Yes. She of all people the only one to show any thought for the people actually involved in the accident. Extraordinary.
ZENOBIA You think she's putting on an act for some reason?
ORVILLE Maybe. Goodness knows why. And there are one or two other odd things going on aboard this boat.
ZENOBIA That mystery around Mr. Cartwright, you mean?
ORVILLE That's one of them. I think perhaps you'd better identify your Miss Marple fairly quickly.
Freda and Nerys enter DR and approach the desk.
FREDA Good morning, Zena. Any news?
ZENOBIA Nothing so far, I'm afraid. Mind you, I expect every effort will be made to clear the channel quickly - an awful lot of traffic is being held up.
FREDA I suppose so. There's one other thing ...
ZENOBIA Yes?
FREDA I think someone's been poking around in our cabin.
ZENOBIA Oh?
FREDA When I went to get something from the closet last night, I found this stuck to the back wall behind some clothing. I don't remember its being there before.
She hands over the bug placed by George the previous evening.
ZENOBIA What is it?
ORVILLE May I see? (Zenobia passes it to him) Hmm. I think it might be some kind of eavesdropping device. Was anything missing?
FREDA I don't think so. I've checked everything of any value.
ORVILLE You say you don't remember it before?
FREDA I'm pretty sure it wasn't there when I unpacked, or I'd have noticed.
ORVILLE That's worrying. Better be a bit careful about locking when you're out.
FREDA Right.
NERYS Come on - I want my breakfast!
FREDA Sorry -
They move to the restaurant.
ZENOBIA Should we issue a general warning? In case anyone does lose something?
ORVILLE It's a thought. Better not make an issue of it, though - don't want to start a panic, along with all our other worries.
ZENOBIA Legally, I think we'd be covered by the note in the ship's information leaflet.
ORVILLE Leave it at that, then, unless something else crops up.
Enter Jim and Carol DR.
JIM Morning, Zena - Orville. No news, I suppose?
ORVILLE I'm afraid not. Though the lifting vessel should be getting pretty close by now.
CAROL And how long after ... ?
ORVILLE There's no telling. It depends on how the wreck's lying. Sometimes the only way is to retrieve the cargo and dismantle the hull.
JIM But that could take ages!
ORVILLE They're pretty nifty at it, I'm told. But it would certainly mean more delay. Let's hope it isn't necessary.
JIM So this is a fairly regular occurrence?
ORVILLE Two or three times a year, apparently. So procedures are well established.
Enter Evelyn DR.
EVELYN Good morning, Mr. Cartwright.
JIM Oh - morning.
EVELYN May I have a word with you?
JIM Yes, certainly. You'd better get your breakfast, Carol.
EVELYN Actually this concerns both of you. (She draws them aside; sotto voce) I don't want to worry you, Sir Charles, but ...
JIM Look here, this is getting monotonous. What on earth is all this "Sir Charles" business?
EVELYN Yes, yes, I know you have to keep up the
incognito, but this is rather urgent. We've established that the kidnap gang is fairly definitely aboard -
CAROL Kidnap gang?
EVELYN Sh! - but we're not quite sure who it may be.
JIM It's getting more than monotonous now - positively ridiculous!
EVELYN I'm afraid our intelligence isn't as good as it might be.
JIM (with feeling) You can say that again!
CAROL No, remember - (in a cod French accent) "I shall say this only once!"
EVELYN Please, be serious!
JIM How the hell can we take all this nonsense seriously?
EVELYN All right, keep up the pretence. It won't do any harm - but I doubt if it'll do any good.
CAROL What's the use of arguing, Jim? No one believes you.
George and Ursula enter DR and go quietly to the desk.
JIM All right. Just for the sake of argument - What did you want to tell us?
EVELYN Nothing specific -
CAROL After all that!
EVELYN (ignoring her) - just a general warning. With the ship at anchor you're more vulnerable - it would be much easier to get you off than when we're under way. It may be that the hold-up has been deliberately engineered for that purpose -
CAROL This is getting worse than ridiculous!
EVELYN - and I noticed a couple of suspicious-looking approaches last night.
JIM What, Helen Booth and Tom Grainger? One of them was giving us much the same warning as yours -
EVELYN Which one was that?
JIM Helen.
EVELYN Well, it might be genuine - the department's motto does seem to be "Let not thy left hand know what the right doeth." But it might be a ploy. And the other?
JIM Tom was offering me a job.
EVELYN Ah. I should be particularly careful of that. Well, enjoy your breakfast - but keep your eyes open.
Exit DR. George and Ursula cross to Jim.
GEORGE Excuse me ...
JIM Oh, not another one!
GEORGE I'm sorry?
JIM (repentant) No, it's I who should be sorry. For the rudeness. It's just that I keep getting accosted ...
GEORGE The price of celebrity, I'm afraid.
JIM But ...
CAROL Remember - no one believes it.
GEORGE (mystified) Eh?
JIM Just something between Carol and me. Is this another warning?
GEORGE You've had some already?
JIM I'm losing count.
GEORGE Well, be careful. I don't think all these people are as innocent as they seem.
CAROL What do you mean?
GEORGE Some of the warnings may be just to misdirect your caution.
JIM In other words, don't trust anyone?
GEORGE That's about it. I can't tell you anything more definite.
CAROL So can we get our breakfast now? I'm ravenous.
GEORGE Then enjoy it!
Carol and Jim move towards the restaurant, in that order. A paper dart sails out of the lounge and Tom follows to retrieve it.
ORVILLE Practising for the duel?
TOM Partly that, partly checking what sort of range would be sensible.
ZENOBIA Does Grigori know you're stealing a march on him?
TOM Being descended from a bastard doesn't mean I have to behave like one! We're doing this together. Oh, Jim!
JIM (turning back) Yes?
TOM Are you still thinking about you know what?
JIM On reflection I think better not. But thanks for the offer, all the same.
TOM Is that definite?
JIM Yes. Sorry.
TOM Well, it was worth trying.
Jim continues to the restaurant.
TOM Oh, Orville, for the time being we've got a packing case for use as a target, but it isn't terribly sightly. Is there anything that would be a bit more dignified for the actual occasion?
ORVILLE How big should it be?
TOM Well, the case is roughly a couple of feet square.
ORVILLE I can't think of anything that might serve any better. Tell you what, though ...
TOM Yes?
ORVILLE One of the deck hands is good at making decorations. I could ask him to tart the case up a bit.
TOM That sounds as good as anything. Thanks.
Exit to the lounge.
GEORGE What was all that about?
ORVILLE He suggested a kind of darts match as a form of entertainment and to settle some kind of family feud.
The desk telephone rings and Zenobia answers.
ZENOBIA Reception ... Yes ... Oh, I see. He's having his breakfast just now - I think we should be able to get him quite quickly ... (to Orville) Telephone call for Mr. Cartwright ...
GEORGE I'm going in - shall I tell him?
ZENOBIA Thank you. It's rather urgent.
GEORGE Right.
Exit to restaurant.
ZENOBIA It's the consulate.
ORVILLE Something to do with whatever funny business is going on?
ZENOBIA They said it was personal.
ORVILLE That could mean quite a lot of things.
Enter Jim right, chewing a mouthful of toast.
ZENOBIA I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast ...
JIM Quite all right. Mr. Farrell said it was supposed to be urgent. (Taking the telephone) Hello? ... Yes ... I see; how serious? ... Right. Full marks for efficiency. Thank you. 'Bye. (Replacing the receiver) I'm afraid that means more disturbance ...
Enter Carol right
CAROL What is it, dear?
JIM It's mother - she had a severe stroke during the night - isn't expected to last the day. (To Orville) They're sending a boat to take me off - can you tidy up any loose ends here?
ORVILLE Of course. I'm sorry about your mother ...
JIM Thanks, but it isn't altogether unexpected. She's had a nasty do before.
ORVILLE You'll both be going, I suppose?
JIM (glancing at Carol, who shakes her head) No, she and Carol could never get on. Best I go by myself. And now I'd better throw some luggage together.
Exit DR.
ORVILLE I can't say I'm used to this sort of situation - thank goodness - but the consulate does seem to be pulling out the stops more enthusiastically than I'd expect.
CAROL Well, Jim's brother has a few strings and doesn't mind pulling them.
ORVILLE Not what you know but who you know, eh?
CAROL Something like that. I'd better go and make sure that he hasn't forgotten anything vital.
Exit DR. A launch is heard approaching, coming alongside and stopping with engine idling. A slight bump is followed by the appearance of Pat UC carrying a bundle of newspapers.
PAT Hello, I'm from the consulate.
ZENOBIA Yes, we were expecting you. Mr. Cartwright isn't quite ready yet - shall I give him a ring to hurry up?
PAT No, there's no desperate hurry. By the way, with your being stuck here, I thought you might like to have some of today's papers that came in on the morning flight.
ZENOBIA That's a kind thought. I'm sure our people will be very grateful.
PAT They'll have to share, I'm afraid.
ZENOBIA Of course. I'll make an announcement. (On the PA system) Can I have your attention, please. I'm sorry there's still no definite news of the hold-up, but by courtesy of the consulate we have some of today's British newspapers at the reception desk. As there are only a few, please don't take them away.
Mike, Sue, Walter, Dennis, Yvette and Evelyn are already entering DR heading for the restaurant, but divert towards the desk.
WALTER What have we got here? Telegraph, Times - of course - Guardian, Mail and Express.
He picks one and moves slightly away from the desk. During his reading, other passengers enter and hover, listening.
DENNIS Has it got the Test score?
SUE (to Mike) If your head's really bad, Zena may have some aspirin.
MIKE It u
sually upsets my stomach. Don't worry, I'll survive.
WALTER Hey, look at this!
DENNIS What?
WALTER A photo of someone who looks a bit like that Cartwright chap.
YVETTE What about him?
EVELYN Read it out, Walter.
WALTER All right. "The millionaire industrialist Sir Charles Carter was attacked last night outside his home in Bromley. One of the assailants was armed but was thwarted by Sir Charles's dog Pickles, which bit him and caused an accidental discharge of the firearm, wounding the accomplice. Both are now under police guard in hospital." These muggings are getting altogether too much!
SUE (looking from one side) There's a bit more.
WALTER Oh, yes. "Sir Charles is due to attend crucial talks on the continent about a rescue package for the vast Broadarch assembly plant, which is vital to the economy of the area, and the attack is suspected to be the work of criminal gangs that have shown signs of wanting to take over the town for their own purposes. Asked if this would affect his plans Sir Charles said it would not, as he had suffered only superficial facial injuries and the meeting was not a beauty competition."
YVETTE Shows a healthy sense of humour, at any rate. How badly was he hurt?
WALTER Can't see. The photo isn't really all that good.
SUE Nice one of the dog, though.
MIKE There would be. Anything else?
WALTER (cursorily scanning the pages) Nothing much ... another politician caught with his pants down ...
EVELYN Come on, I want my breakfast!
WALTER Right-oh. (Returning the paper to the desk) Thanks, Zena.
Queenie enters DR and heads for the desk, then notices Pat.
QUEENIE Pat McCarthy! What on earth are you doing here?
PAT Just running an errand. Collecting a passenger with a domestic emergency.
QUEENIE Ah, yes. I heard about that.
PAT And you?
QUEENIE (moving him away from the desk) Keeping an eye on the Carter look-alike.
PAT Has he twigged?
QUEENIE I doubt it - too much competition. I've spotted people from DEFRA, the DTI, Metropolitan Police, MI6 - and they're just the ones I remember seeing somewhere before. Goodness knows who else, and how many others if there'd been more vacancies on the cruise.
PAT Might any of them remember you?
QUEENIE I doubt it. They were only passing contacts, at most. The wig makes an enormous difference.
PAT And with that corny accent they probably think you're CIA.
QUEENIE Perhaps, if I hadn't made myself conspicuously objectionable to all and sundry.
PAT I thought they did that naturally.
QUEENIE Better be careful where you say that. Anyway, it's a pity we can't keep it up a bit longer, though I shan't be sorry to drop the pose. I think I shall suddenly see the light with apologies and drinks all round on the last night.
PAT How's your boss on expenses?
QUEENIE Reasonable - I don't push them. Though on reflection it had better be drinks for a selected few. And perhaps I'd better be a bit less sudden about it. Now, one or two things to discuss - in the lounge, I think.
They exit left.
ZENOBIA Do you ever get the impression that we might as well be part of the wallpaper?
ORVILLE Yes, and we keep it that way - no mention of anything overheard except in real need for a serious reason. Anyway, it looks as though your "Spot the sleuth" game would have had altogether too many targets.
ZENOBIA Might have been harder to spot the non-sleuth.
ORVILLE By the way - I've been meaning to ask, though it seems a bit of an impertinence - how did you come to have such an unusual name?
ZENOBIA Well, the original Zenobia was a famous queen of Palmyra in the third century.
ORVILLE Famous for what?
ZENOBIA Getting her own way, mostly, until she came up against a Roman general. I suspect she got him in the end, too.
ORVILLE And do you always get your own way?
ZENOBIA Quite often!
ORVILLE I'll bear that in mind. But what's the connection with Palmyra?
ZENOBIA That's where my parents met. Dad was working on an archaeological dig, and Mum was a British Council teacher there.
ORVILLE They sound an interesting couple.
ZENOBIA They are. I think you'd like to meet them.
ORVILLE And I think you may be right.
The telephone rings and Zenobia answers.
ZENOBIA Reception ... Yes ... Right, I'll tell him. (Replacing the receiver) The captain would like to see you on the bridge.
ORVILLE I'm on my way.
Exit UC. Pat and Queenie enter left at about the same time as Jim and Carol DR. Jim carries a small travel bag.
QUEENIE Hey, Zenobia, about that complaint I was going to make last night - forget it. In fact I think I owe you an apology.
ZENOBIA (surprised) Oh. That's all right.
QUEENIE Thank you. Now some of those bits of glassware in the shop caught my eye - could I have a closer look at them?
ZENOBIA Of course.
She finds the appropriate keys and accompanies Queenie DR.
PAT Ready now, Sir?
JIM You go ahead. I'll be with you in a few minutes.
PAT Of course - understood. Shall I take your bag?
JIM Er - yes, thank you.
PAT Goodbye, Mrs. Cartwright.
CAROL Goodbye. Look after him, won't you?
PAT I shall.
Exit UC, with the bag.
JIM And you look after yourself. I'm sorry to leave you ...
CAROL It was my own choice. Now get along - don't keep him waiting any longer.
JIM Right. (After a brief embrace) 'Bye, dear. See you soon.
CAROL 'Bye. (In a clearly audible whisper) Good luck, Charles.
Exit Jim UC. Carol slowly follows and leans on the rail. The launch is heard to rev up its engine with much splashing, and as the sound fades Carol follows with her eyes into the distance.
FADE OUT.
**********
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