“Come on, Nikki. Pictures in the sky. Don’t you see them? There’s an elephant there, and over there I see a turtle. And can you see the moon? It’s reflecting red on the water,” Will was sitting closer to me, leaning into my shoulder and pointing up to show me his findings in the night sky. He always had a thing for red colors found in the moon and the sky.
For a brief moment I looked for Chris and Emily and Bella, but then I felt Will touch my cheek, and my heart sank to my stomach. I swallowed hard and turned to him just as his lips touched mine. They were soft and tender. They were young. They were searching my mouth just as I opened to let them in. It had been almost ten years since I had touched these lips, and they hadn’t changed one bit. Unlike the rest of us, they still had the warm softness of youth. I reached up and grabbed hold of Will’s spiral curls around his face, and pulled him closer to me. After a long lingering kiss, Will jumped up and took off down the beach leaving me yearning for his touch. I had to chase him. It was a game he often played with me, but I was a good player and always caught him. There were even times I made him chase me, but I would never hold out as long. One day I found him in a clearing in the tall grass away from the water. Stubby hard beach grass would poke up out of the sand and surprise the bottom of my feet with sharp pains. Will was lying in a small clearing, one without all those painful blades. He was stark naked and ready for me to just climb aboard and take him. We often made love on the beach. Looking back, I’m sure it was about the only place young adults could be alone. I’d still lived with my Dad, and Will was staying at his grandfather’s house. The beaches quickly became one of our favorite places. In the winter months we’d park and stay in the car, but even the really cool nights with salty winds blowing in from the seas were heated up with our lovemaking. Will ended almost every one of those nights with his infamous words to me, “Nikki Jay, I will always love you and no matter where life takes you, I will always need you.”
“I miss you,” I told him.
***
“I do too!” Then I heard giggles. I opened my eyes to brightness I hadn’t expected and Bella laughing and mimicking her big sister. I was jolted back to reality. I was a thirty two year old married mother of two sitting in a car with my family, not a young woman falling in love all over again. “I need a break,” I thought to myself. I had needed some space for a while now, and I thought life was starting to break me.
Chris was pulling into a fast food restaurant, and when I gave him the wondering look, he told me Emily had to go potty. It took me a bit to realize we were far from Dad’s house, and on the wrong side of the river to be heading back. I was so tired, I was sure Chris had just driven around to let us all sleep a bit.
Several minutes later, after a quick potty break, we were driving back over the York River Bridge, and from the corner of my eye, I saw two white doves soaring above a small crowd with Hawaiian leis waving in the air. The only thought that came to me was whether or not the bride and groom had worn leis during the reception. I clearly wasn’t there, but on the same beach many years earlier instead. Chris grabbed my attention when he asked if I wanted to grab a coffee and drive. I turned to see two quiet little girls with their heads tilted toward one another sound asleep. Goon Goon was resting in Emily’s lap, and little Bella had her soft blanket pulled up to her chin. Coffee and a drive would be nice. A drive back home to Colorado would be better, but I didn’t think those little girls would stay asleep for thirty hours. I just nodded and put my hand on Chris’ leg in a loving, ‘no, I’m not pining over my ex-boyfriend from so long ago’ attempt.
Businesses along the route home to Dad’s had grown over the years as well. In my state of mind, I wasn’t sure if I was excited to see a Starbucks in Gloucester next to new commercial growth, but it was a welcome and much needed commodity. Chris and I didn’t speak much on the ride. We drove in a peaceful silence. Chris was probably wondering why I was so upset, and I was trying ever so hard not to seem upset while wanting to break down and cry at the same time. The problem with crying around men is they expect women to tell them what the problem is so they can fix it. As women, we don’t always know, but we know a good cry will make us feel better, even if the problem isn’t solved. Chris is a problem solver, and if he can’t solve problems, then they must not exist and therefore don’t need attention. It’s how he treated a lot of our marriage. So there were times when we just need to ride in silence. When I felt sad or worried, I worried those silent moments would break us. I was certain those moments when I feel so alone, when we were sitting right next to one another would prove to be our downfall. I was sure in those moments Chris couldn’t possibly love me, much less even like me. Sitting there in the car I wondered what he was thinking, and if he was wondering what I was thinking, and would we ever be thinking the same thing at the same time? And if we did, would it even matter, or would it cause the tears to flow? I hadn’t even noticed, with all the thoughts swimming in my head, Chris had missed the turn back to Deltaville and was heading into Mathews. He and my dad had taken motorcycles down here last summer, so maybe he had a plan and maybe he didn’t; but either way I didn’t even notice until I could see tall marsh grass passing us as we were riding down an old country road. Chris stopped at a beach, turned to check on the sleeping beauties, and then leaned over and gave me a soft and gentle kiss.
“I know the wedding must have been hard for you, but I don’t understand why you are upset. And quiet. You haven’t been with him in over fifteen years. If this was going to be so hard…”
“I was with him ten years ago. We met less than fifteen years ago. But we were together for over two, then together once again, just before you and I started dating. About ten years ago. And I know ten years is a long time too,” I responded defensively, but quietly. I felt guilty after I spoke. Sure, I was with him ten years ago, but it was a day of fun, laughter, and carefree sex. We were free spirits enjoying our past, letting go, and loving one another again. We had an understanding. I would go back to Colorado, and he would stay in Virginia, unmarried, playing music in bars, and living his life while I continued to search for my dreams of having a family. Chris and I started dating just a few weeks after I returned more confused than I had been when I walked away from Will and my dreams of our future together.
“I thought he was your high school boyfriend,” Chris pulled away from me.
“He was after high school. We were together in college and…you know, we’ve never been apart. We’ve always been friends, but back then we couldn’t find our way back to one another either. So ten years ago we were both single, and we spent a day at a beach playing guitar and singing and then spent the night together. But, Chris, it was so long ago, too. It’s not Will I’m upset about.”
“No? Just that he married another woman, right?” Chris’ voice went up slightly in tone. I could tell my worries and thoughts were more visible than I thought, and he was growing weary of them.
Bella woke up crying and asked if we were home yet. Short car naps are not the best sleep for our little ones. Chris put the car in park, opened the door, waking Emily too, and left for the beach. I watched him walk away from me while both of our children cried to go home. As Emily became more awake, she noticed we were at the beach and wanted to go look for shells. I got out of the car, unbuckled Emily, and told her she could go look for seashells while Daddy and I sat on the beach and talked. Once I got Bella out of the car and set her up with Emily on the beach, I found Chris sitting on an old log nearby.
The beach was public but no one was around. Chris and I could sit quietly and talk while watching the girls collect oyster shells, which they seemed to think came from the depths of the exotic ocean. “Make sure you stay out of the water, girls, please don’t get those dresses wet and dirty!” I yelled down the beach. My two little girls went running, flinging up sand as they went.
I sat down next to Chris just a few yards away and asked him to talk with me.
Silence. Again.
Aft
er a minute of turning my head back and forth, fighting the breeze pushing my hair into my face, I finally looked at my husband and said, “I don’t think you get it because you never left home. You grew up in Colorado, and you still live there. Your family is there, and you get to see them often enough, you don’t notice the change taking place over the years. I know we’ve seen change and growth there, but it’s just not the same as coming back here to see odd growth, yet almost no change. In many ways, the change is good where it’s allowed, like Starbucks,” I said lifting my cup and handing him the cup he’d left in the car. “But in many ways, the change is depressing. It’s a sober reminder for me. I am not a child anymore. I didn’t lose a childhood boyfriend, Chris. I feel like I lost my childhood. And it took many years, but this whole trip home, it has hit me like a ton of bricks. Did you see my dad’s house? There is mold or mildew, or whatever it is, growing on his siding.” My voice raised an octave as I was finally getting excited over something and beginning to feel less numb. “That doesn’t just happen one summer. It’s taken twenty or so years to build up, and suddenly to me it looks like a worn slipper that needs to be tossed. But he can’t toss the slipper because it’s his home, and you know, it used to be my home too. But it doesn’t feel like home. It just feels like a lost dream, something I forgot coming to the surface just now.” I started talking faster and going in circles and coming back to points I had left behind just moments before. I knew I wasn’t making any sense to Chris, but I was getting it all out and trying my best to communicate with him. I always seemed to think because he was my husband, he would know to expect me to just spew information that would make no sense to him and would only offer cleansing for me.
“Nik, Nik….Nikki! Stop! What are you talking about, slippers and mold…I’m not following you, Nikki. I just thought you were upset about Will getting married. I know you love him; I know you care for him. Remember I was in my thirties when I married you. I loved before you. But I was never invited to their weddings once we broke up. Not only was I never invited, I wouldn’t have gone to any of them even if I were. But that’s the difference between you and me. Once I break up with someone, it’s over. You, on the other hand have remained friends with everyone you’ve ever known.” Chris took my hand, kissed the tips of my fingers and said, “But that’s what I love about you. You have so much love; you love everyone you’ve ever known. At times, I wonder if there is enough for me.”
I turned to watch the girls. I didn’t want Chris to see me cry again. Emily was piling shells into a part of her dress she had turned into quite the basket. Bella was sitting on her knees with her dress gathered around her waist digging a hole in the sand. I thought, at least they listen. Those dresses might be dirty, but they didn’t get in the water.
“You know I love you, Chris,” I said. “Don’t you?” Chris put his arms around me in response. “You know what an emotional wreck I am, right? I can’t keep things straight. I worry about you. I worry about us. I worry about what the moms I see at the playground each day think of me. I didn’t lose Will. I gave Will up years ago. I decided what I wanted. He wanted something else. I have a wonderful life with you; I’m just having a hard time realizing life is cycling so quickly, I guess. Members of my family are dead or dying; my dad’s house looks as if it’s dying. My sister is divorcing a man I met when I was ten years old. I always thought of him as a brother to me, and now, I don’t know if I will see him anymore. I guess I need therapy. Can we go shopping?” I forced a smile as I tried to lighten the mood with a joke.
Chris chuckled, put my face in his hands, and kissed me. “You and your sister go shopping. That’s girls’ therapy. Me, I like to sit right here in nature and watch the bugs crawl all over your dress. Now, that’s therapy.”
I jumped up. “What!?” Chris was laughing. Frustrated and pretending to be furious with him, I walked down the beach and told the girls to gather three of their favorite shells and get in the car. Pop-Pop and his aging mother and greening house were waiting for us, after all. So was the silly life Chris and I had together. Chris could almost never have a serious conversation. I’d walked away from tear jerking moments wondering if he heard me at all or if he was trying to think of his way out of the conversation the entire time I was pouring out my heart.
Chris stopped at Natalie’s house. Clearly, Natalie was waiting for us to arrive. She had a look on her face that said she was hiding something.
“Nikki! Chris! Emily and Bella! How was it? Was it beautiful?” She asked these questions not really expecting an answer because she kept talking. “Nikki, I’ve got the girls’ things gathered already, you can pick them up tomorrow afternoon when you return.”
“When I return? From where?” I asked looking at both my sister and my husband.
Chris is the one who spoke up. “Thanks, Nat, I haven’t told her yet. I’ll just need the directions, and we’ll be on our way.”
Chapter Five
It’s never easy to leave my children; especially when I’m not aware I am leaving them. But a few bribes to bring them something special, and the promise of a fun living room camping trip with their cousins at Natalie’s house made heading to the bed and breakfast much easier for us all.
“When did you plan all of this?” I asked Chris once he put our overnight bag in the car. We were on our way down the dirt road leading away from my sister’s house where we left all the kids with Popsicle smiles and faint laughter. I glanced at the road leading to Will’s house as we passed it.
“It was actually Natalie’s idea. She offered to take the kids, so we could have a night alone. We figured today would be the best day, so I could work on showing you how much I love you and remind you what we have together.”
I couldn’t help it, but this comment made me mad. “Chris, are you looking for an argument? Are you telling me you planned a night for the two of us on the day Will got married because you thought maybe I’d be so sad and upset and wallowing in my past, you’d need to pull me back into our life?” I could feel my face getting hot. No way was I going to enjoy our evening out if Chris planned it all around the fact an ex-boyfriend got married. I kept thinking how insecure he must be feeling, and for some reason, I was angry and feeling guilty. I just couldn’t get the past off my mind, and now I knew it was affecting my family and obviously, my marriage.
Chris pulled into the parking lot at the ABC store just outside of the little Windmill Point town. He parked the car, turned to me, put my face in his hand, lifted my chin, and said, “You worry too much. I don’t want to argue. I want you to relax. I want you to recognize no matter how you feel about this man of so long ago, you are with me now. And I feel a need to show you how much I love you. I want to share a bottle or two of wine, lay you down, and make love to you in a little room overlooking the bay. If I could do this every day, I would, but our everyday life doesn’t work in such a way. Today is a good day. Just relax.” He touched his index finger to the tip of my nose, winked, and got out of the car to buy a bottle or two of wine. As soon as the car door closed, I sank further into my seat. I was embarrassed because I immediately got defensive and on a night when Chris had put forth extra effort to make me feel special. There were so many times I’ve sabotaged myself focusing on the wrong things. How could I possibly be thinking of a newly married man who touched me long ago when I could not focus and relax like Chris told me to most days? I should have been focusing on Chris and how wonderful he was to me and to our family. I needed to hold him as close as I could and let go of the past. All of the past. I wasn’t even sure I was holding on to any past, but I definitely didn’t need to be thinking of it at all. Especially on a night when Chris and I could be so close. Without children.
Chris got back into the car with a large brown bag, leaned over, kissed my cheek and said, “It’s time to relax, sweetie, just you and me. Oh, and two bottles of Virginia wine. Did you know ABC stores don’t really sell wine, and the only wines they sell are made here in Virginia?” I smiled. I h
ad forgotten. Nothing compared to our Colorado drive thru liquor stores.
It took about five minutes to find the hidden drive to the bed and breakfast once we were in the area. There were trees everywhere on the winding road, and we couldn’t see more than a few feet in front of the car. Coming from Colorado, we were used to seeing for a hundred miles without trees in our way. I felt claustrophobia sinking in. Chris asked me to stay in the car while he checked us in. I found this odd since it was a bed and breakfast. When he came back with a key, I was surprised again to see him follow the dirt road behind the bed and breakfast house. About a quarter of a mile down the dirt road sat a little summer home located on a sandy beach. Chris parked the car on the dirt road where it ended alongside the house. We got out and saw a quaint little cottage amongst the tall pine trees with a screened in porch overlooking a private beach touching the Chesapeake Bay. Chris moved the eye hook to unlock the screen, opened the door, picked me up in his arms, and carried me up the steps, over the threshold and onto the porch. Before he set me back on my feet, he kissed me hard. I could feel the heat from his chest against my own and his tongue searching my mouth. When my feet touched the floor, I could barely stand. He’d always affected me with his pleasant and sensual surprises. It was nice to be reminded.
Once inside the little cottage, we saw fresh fruit and vegetables on the counters in the little kitchen, a new bag of coffee, and a corkscrew sitting near the two cup coffee maker. “I have a feeling we’ll need more than two cups of coffee in the morning,” Chris said to me, “But if they got everything I asked them for, there should be two steaks in the fridge and some bath oils near the tub.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him again, kissing me harder and deeper than before on the porch. I could feel his excitement growing against my body. He whispered in my ear, “I think we may have some time to get reacquainted before we have to do anything else.”
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