Without a clear head, I couldn’t continue my artwork, but I couldn’t wait to sit with my girls and work with them.
“Emily! Show me what you are doing. I don’t see a princess. Are you not doing a princess today?”
Emily smiled at me. For the first time since the abrupt end to my phone call with Will, I noticed Emily was covered in green paint. Her canvas was covered as well, but she had more on her body, face, and clothes than I could find on her canvas.
“Emily, I want to talk about your painting, what you’ve been able to do, all by yourself, and then I think it’ll be time to clean up and take a bath.” I sat down next to her on patio chair that appeared to have been spared of green paint.
“Mommy, I’m painting just the forest. Like the one in our backyard. See. Princess Aurora is not there. She’s already at the castle with her prince. Mommy, what is her prince’s name?”
I could tell we weren’t going to talk about technique. I wanted so badly to teach her to paint her background and then the foreground, because it was clear to me she had started with grass, then painting what was behind the grass next, but then I realized I was talking to a four year old, and technique didn’t matter as much as her love for doing it.
“Bella, I think it’s beautiful. So, are you going to paint the castle next time we paint?”
“Mommy! I’m not Bella! You’re a silly swan. The castle is right there,” Emily pointed to a gray square in the middle of her painting. “The princess is inside. You can’t see her, that’s all.”
“Is her Prince’s name Eric?” I asked.
“No, Mommy!” Emily sounded frustrated.
“Honey, I don’t remember his name. How about we go take a bath, and you can watch the movie while I finish cleaning up out here.” I started cleaning up Bella’s supplies before she decided to paint more dark blobs on her canvas.
“No, Mama. No, I paint,” Bella started crying.
“Mommy, I want you to take me a bath. Bella, want Mommy to take you a bath too? And then we can watch Beauty!” Emily was very good at convincing Bella to do things she never wanted to do in the first place. And she was fantastic at being cute when she said she wanted me to take her a bath. She said it a lot when Chris was around. ‘Daddy, no. I want Mommy to take me a bath,’ was a common thing said in our house in the evening before bedtime.
“Yeah, Emmie take me a baff too!” Bella’s mind had been changed. We’d go inside, take baths, get cuddly, watch a late morning movie, and find out which Prince saved Aurora from a life amongst birds and rabbits in a dark dreaded forest.
***
With the exception of Bella peeing in the tub just about as soon as she sat down, bath time was fairly uneventful. I’d learned to only fill the tub a little bit because she peed in every bath she took. It had become a routine with us. I’d fill it slightly, set her in the tub while Emily picked out toys, Bella peed, and I took her out, wiped her and the tub down and started over with fresh water. I could only hope it wasn’t a routine I was teaching her for life. I could just see her in high school peeing in the tub before she bathed. I figured they wouldn’t remember much of those times, and we had to do what we could to just get through them.
With clean babies watching a movie, I cleaned up the patio, paints, and drying artwork. I knew after a warm fall morning outdoors, the girls would probably fall asleep before the movie ended. I preferred those movie naps to be in the afternoon, but I figured I’d take what I could get. I stood on the patio looking at my canvas. It was all wrong. I’d let it dry and rework it. I could see it was not what I had envisioned when I started. But then the phone rang, and my mood drastically changed. Before I made any decisions about it, I needed to change my mood first. There was always the next day. Standing back a bit, I looked at it again. The mountains were a nice touch, but the lonely guitar standing upright on the beach wasn’t right. What was holding it up? I could paint a guitar stand or a person to hold it, but I couldn’t create magical non-gravity. What was I thinking? And why did I put a guitar there anyway? It was red and could have been something like a fire hydrant sitting in the middle of nowhere with no reason or purpose. A red guitar on a sandy beach with Colorado Mountains in the background. Where was my mind when I started that thing? I packed it up with the girls’ to sit in the garage and dry overnight with a promise I’d get back to painting it. I knew something was lost in Will’s phone call. What was he thinking, walking down memory lane so many years after our trip to Northampton, Massachusetts?
***
“Look, baby, there are churches everywhere! Rolling hills, little ones, see how they roll?” Will put his hand on my knee. New England was indeed beautiful. I thought I could see myself living anywhere among those little rolling hills. As we drove, we’d see little valleys, and then our view would be blocked by walls of granite along the interstate, only to open again to a green valley with little rolling hills. Each valley offered views of several chapels, all quaint with a different history we’d probably never know.
“This is going to be so great, babe,” Will looked down at me for a brief second, squeezed my knee, and focused on driving again. “I’ve found this great little seafood place to eat dinner as soon as we get checked in to the hotel, but I think the Tavern at the hotel might be where we eat the rest of our meals. Or room service even. But look at the views here! We are going to want to get out and see this place. This is amazing.”
I was looking. The little town of Northampton was beautiful. Character from ages ago oozed from the sidewalk cracks. I saw railroad bridges connecting the world to the little town from what seemed like all directions, waterways with small paddle boats that must have led somewhere but yet appeared to stay in place.
“Wow. This is a small town, but so different. Can we just move here? This is amazing!” I said before I really realized what had slipped out. We had decided to take a long weekend trip to a place we’d never been. I’d always wanted to visit New England, and Will simply said he’d be happy wherever I wanted to go. He actually said he’d be happy wherever I was, but I took it to mean I could decide and not that he’d follow me anywhere.
We’d only been back together for a couple of months and spring was in the air. I was nineteen years old and heading back to college classes for the summer term in a few weeks. Will wanted to get me out of town for a break and to show me I was still everything he wanted, and he was indeed everything I ever wanted. We were still so in love and ready to spend a long weekend together in a quaint little town away from those who didn’t agree with our reunion.
Will pulled up to The Hotel Northampton, stopped in front of it and looked around for a moment. “Parking, parking. Where is park - ? Oh! Hotel parking,” he was clearly talking to himself, but since he was able to resolve it himself as well, I just sat and stared up at the tall building in front of us. Five stories of old, beautifully crafted, brick lay in front of me. The building had two wings on either side of a brightly lit glass atrium.
As soon as Will found a parking spot, he started talking about the hotel. “It’s almost 75 years old now, but even cooler than that, the guy who started this place had an uncle or something who started a tavern almost two hundred years ago…or more maybe. I think it was somewhere else, but the guy who built this place moved the Tavern here to this spot and built the hotel. There’s a lot of history here, Nikki Jay. Let’s get in there and make some of our own history. Why don’t we?”
Will got out of the car and opened my door for me, bowing with his arm extended as if pointing the direction I needed to go. Butterflies filled my stomach. Will and I had spent a few nights together, but we’d never gone this far from home, and we’d never spent more than one night at a time together. I was getting nervous. But Will was so good at making me comfortable and taking the edge off for me. I looked like a young tourist walking in, looking up, and to each side, circling in place as I looked at the lattice woodwork details near the tops of the high walls. As I was looking the part of fascinated
tourist, Will got us checked in and ready for our mini-vacation. He handed me a key to the room, told me which staircase to take up, and then went back out to the parking lot. I found our room and left the door propped open. Inside sat a queen bed and a private balcony with French doors. I opened them and stood on the balcony I learned sat just above the beautiful atrium below. The balcony was huge, and it took me a few moments to realize it was shared with other rooms. I was underage, so we wouldn’t be drinking. There was no way I’d be outside making out with Will right up against the street. We could enjoy our breakfast out there, but that was about all I’d want to share with the people next door.
While I was on the balcony looking over the railing at the old stone church down the street, Will snuck up behind me, causing me to scream. People from the street looked up just as I backed away from the railing. “Will! I could have fallen!” I was livid.
“Nikki Jay,” Will said as he pulled me closer to him. “I’m sorry, doll. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. And you know I would never let you fall. Unless you’re falling for me.” Will started singing and dancing with me right there on the balcony. “Fall for me, baby, why don’t you fall for me? I won’t let you fall but only for me. Baby. Fall for me, baby, fall for me,” he started laughing then kissed me and whispered, “I’m sorry. Let’s get ready for some dinner!”
I let him wrap his arms around me and then kiss me again before walking back into our room. I wanted to shower before we headed out for dinner, but after driving for almost nine hours, stopping for a fast food lunch and convenience store snacks, we were both famished. Will talked me into showering after dinner. His suggestion to shower together made my stomach flip over a few times, reminding me dinner was a necessity and showering with Will after dinner would be well worth the wait. Instead of walking around town just yet, we decided on dinner at the Tavern in the hotel. Will decided if we weren’t too tired after dinner we’d explore a bit of town, but after dinner we decided exploring town wasn’t as exciting as the prospect of exploring one another.
Our shower started with hot water pouring over us and Will placing bets.
“What’ll ya give me if I can make it through this whole shower without kissing you?”
“A kiss!” I said while grabbing his face and pulling him closer to me. He smiled while I planted my lips onto his. Clearly he was serious. He wasn’t kissing me back. “Okay, tough guy, I can play too. I’m not kissing you either. Not during the shower, and not after.”
“Oh, it’s on now, baby. No kisses for you! Nope, not a one.” Will grabbed the little bar of soap and lathered his hands while he was talking. Then he turned me so I wasn’t facing him, lathered my back and massaged my shoulders. His soapy hands moved from my shoulders and down my arms to my hands. He linked his fingers with mine and pushed his hard body against my back. “No, kisses,” he whispered into my ear.
“Nope, not a one,” I whispered back, arching my back toward his pressing body.
He continued his tease, letting go of my fingers and wrapping my arms around my stomach so he could explore further up. Within moments my hard nipples were between his fingers. His touch was gentle but firm. My neck relaxed, and I rested my head against his chest and let out a quiet moan. Without touching his lips to my body, he blew little kisses across my shoulders that sent shivers down my body. Holding my arms against my stomach with one arm, he pulled me closer to him, used his feet to spread my weakening legs and tipped my body forward slightly so his free hand could explore the areas of my body that were screaming for him. As soon as his hand and fingers found their place of yearning, I arched back again, with my head resting on his shoulder, this time because he was standing lower with his knees bent. I wanted so badly to feel his lips across my neck, my back, on my mouth. Not kissing Will was going to be the most difficult thing I’d done my entire life!
While I was leaning only slightly into his body, his free hand wrapped around between my thighs and found warmth and wetness not related to the hot shower we were standing under, and within moments my body was shaking uncontrollably from his touch and tears were streaming down my cheeks from the surprise pleasure. Will held me up because the shaking wouldn’t stop. My legs were so weak I thought I may fall back into him, knocking us both down. After turning me around to face him, he pulled my face up to his and whispered, “No kisses for you.”
“Who needs kisses after that?” I sighed, out of breath.
“You do. It’s what you look forward to after I take your breath away. You do, Nikki Jay. You need kisses.” Will said all of this while blowing little kisses on my shoulder. Each breath sent a shiver down my spine and gave me goose bumps as the water on my skin chilled me to the bone.
***
I stood outside in the cooler fall air thinking of our trip, and all that happened up there, all the music we made, found, and enjoyed together. All the plans we’d made to be together, to be one another’s forever. Chills ran through my body as I looked at the paints I still needed to clean on the patio furniture. Bella wasn’t as tidy as I had thought. Rubbing my arms in the chilly air, I remembered a sight from the trip, Will and I on a skinny river beach with his guitar propped up against a rock. Behind us were stone mountains. My painting. Without thinking about it, knowing about or even understanding it, I had begun to recreate a scene Will and I had made so many years ago. And then he called me and mentioned that exact time in our lives. I sat down on the patio, pulled my knees to my chest and cried. What was going on with my life? What was going on with Will? Why would I start such a painting in the first place?
After about ten minutes of crying to myself, I started to sing one of his old songs to myself.
Oh, you gotta wonder
Where it all started
And you gotta wonder
Where it began
Why won’t I
Let you in
Why am I building walls
For my sanity
I am
Building walls
Oh and sometimes
I wonder
Oh should I be angry
And should I
Question
If you
Hate me
Should I
Be angry
Or should I
Build up walls?
And I gotta wonder
Where you came from
And I gotta wonder
Why you are
Building walls
Will you ever
Let me in?
Are you
Building walls?
Or for your sanity
Are you
Building walls?
And sometimes
I wonder
Oh should I
Be angry?
And should I
Question
If you
Hate me
Should I
Be angry
Or should I
Build up walls?
Should I be angry?
It was a simple song, but it held so much meaning to both Will and me. He wrote it on the fly one night, sitting on the beach at his grandfather’s house after we had an argument. It had been just a short little tune about how we both fought each other the same way, while blocking the other out. Will told me I built walls around me to protect myself. I listened to that for years, and I could see when I did it with Chris in our marriage. The same way I put things in little boxes in my mind, I put myself in a little box where I was protected from pain. I was certain I started my wall building defense when Will first broke up with me, and I thought I would die. From then on out, I knew how to protect myself from pain, from him, from feeling. It was the first time numbness became an emotion for me.
Shaking the chill from my arms, I stood up and walked inside to see my beautiful girls sleeping and a young princess walking through a dark tower on the TV. I was determined to not take my heart and mind back to a place I never wished to revisit. I wasn’t going t
o build walls. I wasn’t going to be angry. I wasn’t even going to try to understand why Will called that day, a random Tuesday, or why he started talking about a past we no longer lived in. I curled up on the floor with Emily and Bella, turned the volume down on the TV and closed my eyes.
***
The North Star Bar was on a corner just outside of the little New England town. As soon as we walked in, Will, whispered in my ear.
“One of these things is not like the others. Your hint is, I’m it.”
There were women everywhere. On second glance around the room, we did see a few men, but they all looked like they were employees.
“Well, we knew it was, what’d you call it? A ‘lesbian town?’ But this place is packed. There must be something going on. Oh, look. A merch table,” I said as I walked toward a table with CDs laid out and T-shirt displays.
“Oh, I see,” Will said. “Well, this could be cool. I should have brought my guitar, maybe they’d let me up there, too,” he nudged my shoulder. “We’ll take two CDs. Do you want a T-Shirt, Nikki Jay?” Will asked after handing the vendor a twenty.
“Will, we don’t even know who she is. No, I don’t want a T-Shirt.”
“Baby, I don’t care who she is. She brought out a huge crowd, and she’s up there. Well, she’s not up there…she might even be behind this table, I don’t know. But she’s got a gig, and I’m all for supporting anyone who will come out to a bar and play. Sure, you don’t want a T-Shirt?”
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