by Sara Hubbard
Fuck it.
I run to my car and follow after her. I'm not sure where she's going, but I hope I catch her in time before she turns onto the road. When I see her go left, I'm confident she's going to her Nan's. I race down the road, hoping to catch up with her. When I reach her Nan's she's getting out of her car, making her way up the dirt path to the front porch. I worry she'll go inside, and then I'll have to face her Nan, and see another pair of disappointed eyes. Her looks kill me, like my mother's used to.
I slow down and turn into the driveway, giving myself a few minutes to calm down before I get out. She doesn't go inside; instead, she sits on the swing on the porch, staring out toward the sunset. Her jacket is off and it's getting cold. Snow starts to fall, just like I thought it would. I slowly make my way up the walk and when I reach the stairs, I search for something to say to make her not so upset. I have nothing. Nothing to make this better.
Nothing I do ever makes things better.
One measured step at a time I move toward her, and dare to sit down on the swing. She doesn't stop me, doesn't yell at me to leave, so I take that as an invitation. I know her enough to know she'd tell me to leave if she wanted to be alone.
We rock for a few moments, the light wind ruffling her soft hair, while I work my courage up and dial back my pride. “I’m sorry, Annie.” I drag my nails down my thighs, making quiet noises on my jeans. Mostly because I have no idea what to do with my hands. We used to sit here and hold hands while we sat and talked. Or she'd lie down, her head in my lap, and I'd stroke her soft hair while she fell asleep watching the sun dip below the trees to light them on fire. “It's hard for me to rein it in sometimes, especially with my dad.”
“I know it is,” she says quietly, pulling her legs up in tight against her chest. “I was honestly just trying to help. He's your dad...and maybe one day he might just give up the alcohol and realize he made a big mistake.”
I don't believe that, but I know she needs to believe it, so I let her keep her optimism. In her world, she holds on to hope that people will change. She believed her mother would come back for her years after she was abandoned. She never could face the fact that her mother was a selfish and cold woman who wasn't a good person. I’m not so naive. People are flawed. Some people are better than their flaws and some people aren't. My dad? I'm not sure. But as he hasn't made the decision to move on and quit the sauce six years after Mom's death, then I don't think he ever will. He loved her enough to try and be better. Sure, he slipped up once in a while. Without her, though? I just don't see it. He certainly didn’t love us enough to quit. Not that I’m bitter.
“You cold?” I take my jacket off and wrap it around her shoulders.
“What about you?” she asks, looking over at me with those big brown eyes of hers, making my heart pinch in my chest.
“I got way more meat on my bones. I'll be fine.”
She smiles and I feel as if all is forgotten. Her smile is enough to both cripple and cure me. Fuck. I love her and her smile. As much as I ever did. How the hell am I going to leave her again when everything I felt for her rushes back every time she looks at me?
“Is Nan here?” I ask. “I should go and say hello.”
She bows her head and I don't need her to give me an answer. I knew her Nan was sick, but I didn't know she’d passed. How could I have missed that? How did she not tell me this before? And why didn't Manny tell me?
“I'm so sorry, Annie. I didn't know.”
“I know you didn't,” she says quietly.
“I would have come back and gone to the funeral.”
“I know. I tried to call you once, but I got in a fight with Richard and hung up. Then I just couldn’t call back.”
“You called me?”
She shrugs. Fucking Richard. He’s more trouble than he’s worth lately, and the list of his offenses against me are piling up. If I’d known she’d called, I would have dropped everything to get back to her. Richard knows that. I told him after she broke things off that if she called, he needed to let me know right away. Just thinking about that lights a fire in my stomach.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says. “It’s probably for the better you didn’t come.”
“How can you say that? She was there for me. I would have liked to say good-bye. And you needed me.”
“I don’t know if I needed you,” she says, but her voice is weak and I know she’s only saying this for the sake of saying it. She never wants to let her guard down or admit to needing anyone.
“I'm sorry. I should have kept trying to call. I don't know why I didn't. It only happened two months ago and it feels like yesterday. She just got weaker and weaker and then one night she went to bed and didn't wake up.”
“I’m really sorry, Annie.”
“I miss her so much.”
I nod, feeling the same. That woman was my savior when my dad couldn’t hack it. She did everything for us that he couldn't. I don't know if I ever did thank her and it leaves me feeling pretty choked up.
“Annie...” I move closer, wrapping my arm around her shoulders and pulling her in close. She lets me, tipping her head to rest on my shoulder. That empty feeling inside of me starts to subside. Just by having her near. I hear her sniffle, to my surprise. I’ve never actually seen her cry. And I don't need to see it now. I let her hide her face, knowing it would only make her feel weak.
“Does Manny know about Nan?”
“He was away. I called him, but I got a message that he was on the rigs. That he wouldn't be back for weeks and then I figured it didn't really matter. He didn't need to know. We never saw him anymore anyway.”
“I didn't know that, either. I figured he might still visit with you after we broke up.”
She shakes her head. “I hadn't seen him at all until he came into the hospital. I think he thought I broke up with him, too. Or maybe he hated me a little for hurting you.” She lets out a half-hearted chuckle.
“He didn't hate you.”
“But you did,” she says.
“Maybe a little.”
“She left you something, you know.”
I lean back and wait for her to meet my eyes, but she still won't. “Me?”
“Yeah. She really liked you.”
I guess I knew that, considering all she did for us. But I'm pretty sure she liked me as Annie's friend. I don't know how much she liked us dating. She told me once that she'd beat me with her cane if I hurt Annie. That comment alone let me know she expected I’d do just that.
She laughs and wipes her nose with her sleeve. “I'll have to dig it out. I really didn't expect to see you so soon.”
“You're not going to tell me what it is?”
She shakes her head, her face dragging along my Henley shirt.
“I hate surprises,” I say.
I can feel her grinning against my chest. “I know.”
“I missed this.”
She doesn't respond and that's okay. I needed to tell her, needed to let her know she still means the world to me, even if she doesn't want me anymore. I would give up everything just to stay like this with her forever. She never believed I meant it when I said things like this to her before. If only she could feel what I felt—what I still feel. She’d never doubt me again.
“Hey, do you have plans for tomorrow?” I ask, giving her a little nudge with my shoulder.
She’s quiet and I figure I'm going to have to fight for time with her. I’m ready for it, though. I have a bag of excuses to throw at her if she tries to keep her distance.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Why? Because of your doctor boyfriend?”
“No.”
“Then why?”
“You’re leaving soon, Ethan.”
“I’m not proposing, Annie. I just miss my best friend.”
I wait for her to say no. To get up and go into the house and reject me, again. I know it’s a possibility and I don’t care. A few weeks ago, I was angry enough not
to give her the opportunity to deny me again, but I don’t care now that I’m with her. I just want more time. Anything she’ll give me. I meant what I said. She’s my best friend, a piece of me.
“Best friend?”
“You were. You still are if you want to be.”
“Yeah,” she says.
“Yeah? Like yeah, you’re my best friend? Or yeah, you’ll hang out with me tomorrow?”
She thinks about that for a moment. “Yes to both?”
“Is that a question?”
A sigh escapes her perfect lips. “I don’t know. But it’s still a yes to both.”
Yes. The word has never been so sweet.
9
ANNIE
My bed does a bit of a wave and when I open my eyes, I see Charlie getting comfortable on the other side. I jolt upright and blink at him, surprised. A few weeks ago, I let him know where the spare key was, and he hasn’t minded using it since. I thought it was a good idea at first, but now he’s looking over me as I sleep and I’m a little creeped out.
Personal space. I need it. Lots of it. Charlie doesn’t always get this. It never bothered me before, but now that it involves watching me sleep, it bothers me a whole lot.
“How long have you been sitting there?” I say, yawning and wiping the sleep from my eyes.
“Not long. I brought you iced coffee to work this morning. Cathy said you called in sick last night.”
“Yeah, I just wasn’t feeling up to it.”
“Hmm.” He reaches over to press the back of his hand to my forehead. “Are you sick?”
“No, I just needed a break, I think.”
“And that’s it?”
I push myself up to sit, facing him. He looks at me with a sweet, empathetic smile and there’s the guilt, knifing me in the chest, making it harder and harder for me to breathe.
I still love my ex.
I agreed to go for coffee with Ethan even though I knew I shouldn’t have. Old feelings have a way of quickly resurfacing and they came rushing back to me hard and fast as I sat and talked with Ethan at the cafe off highway two-oh-one. He’s so familiar. The way he runs his finger across his lips as he thinks. The way his face looks pained when he desperately wants to say something, but can’t find the words. God, I wish I could read his mind. I’ve always wondered if it’s as messed up as mine. I have oodles of baggage, but Ethan has his share, too.
The longer I sat with him the more I thought about Charlie and decided maybe continuing something with Charlie is a mistake. Not because I want Ethan back, but because it isn’t fair to keep seeing him when I’m still so clearly hung up on Ethan. I’m not sure there will ever be a time when I don’t think about him.
Charlie loves me and staying with him now is unfair and cruel. I won’t ever be able to give him what he wants and he deserves someone who cares for him as much as he does them.
“We should talk,” I say quietly.
“Those famous few words never amount to anything good.” He looks away, fixating on the hardwood floor and the stream of sunlight that highlights a patch in the shape of a funnel.
“I know how you feel about me, Charlie, and I can’t...I...don’t feel the same. I care about you...”
He stands and paces the room, fidgeting with his hands. “I know you’ve been through a lot and you’re not ready for a commitment. I’m okay with that. I can wait.”
“You’re so patient and kind and...perfect.”
“Then don’t do this now. Give us some more time.” He stops and stares at me, his face serious and forlorn and it breaks me a little. I really didn’t want him to fall for me. It was the last thing I wanted and I told him that from the beginning, but here we are.
“Charlie, you’re amazing. You deserve someone who is as crazy about you as you are about them. Why would you even want to be with someone who may not even be capable of loving you—or anyone, for that matter?”
“I told you that I love you. I’ll wait. I won’t let you end this. Not now. Think about it, okay? Just give me that? If I’m so great, then I think I deserve for you to think this through some more.”
Why is he pushing? This can’t end the way he wants it to. But I cave. I’m not strong enough to hurt him. And how can I argue with what he’s saying? I just can’t, even though I know my mind won’t change. I give a silent nod and he approaches me, lovingly cupping my face and leaning in to leave a lingering kiss on my forehead. Without a word, he leaves my room and I feel sick. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Good going, Annie. You were almost there and you caved. Just another glaring example of why you shouldn’t be with him. You aren’t good enough. Not for him. Not for anyone.
You stupid, little bitch. Love fades hard. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, hotter, thinner. Men always leave. So don’t make the same mistake I did. Hurt them before they hurt you first. Words my mother said to me on more than one occasion as a stream of men came in and out of her life.
They sing out on loop in my head from time to time. I close my eyes and press my hands to my head, foolishly believing I can block them out. She forgot to tell me it’s not always men who do the leaving. In my case, it was her. But I follow her legacy and hurt people before they can hurt me. I never meant to hurt Charlie though. And I wish I could do something to make it easier for him.
I drag myself out of bed and hit the shower, lingering longer than usual with my forehead pressed against the cool tile. I just hope he finds someone to make him happy. That person won’t ever be me.
As I towel off I see myself in the foggy mirror opposite the room. My face is long and my eyes are tired. My body is scarred. I run my fingers across the slash above my left breast, a wonderful gift given to me after being thrown through a window in foster home number three.
Ugly whore.
I lick my lips and tip my head. One of these days, I will take all the mirrors out of this house and I won’t miss them. All of my physical reminders will be gone and I will be at peace here. Only my memories will torment me then.
After drying off, I throw on some comfortable clothes. Jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. When I get downstairs, I find the table set and coffee and breakfast made for me—and not store bought. Did Charlie make this while I showered? I thought he’d left a half hour ago. In the kitchen the coffee pot on the stove is still steaming. I’m not sure how I feel about him staying here and doing this for me after I tried to end our relationship.
I gasp as I turn and lay eyes on Charlie. “What are you still doing here?”
“I know, I know. I shouldn’t be here. I know I said I would give you time and I will, but you seemed so sad this morning and I wanted to do something nice for you. That’s what people do when they love each other. They want to help them feel better, any way they can.”
I nod, sliding my hands into my jean pockets. My shoulders are rounded and I stare at the door. Personal space. He seems to get how uncomfortable he’s made me and he starts toward me, offering a small smile before reaching the front door.
“Enjoy your breakfast, Annie.”
“Thanks,” I say, half-heartedly.
Then he’s gone. Breakfast looks amazing, but I can’t eat it. Why would he think it’s okay to do this? I tried to break up with him. Surely, he didn’t think this was okay? And yet, he knew exactly what to say to make me feel guilty about being annoyed with him.
I snatch a piece of thick toast and bite into it, shaking my head as I watch him back out of the driveway in his BMW. Oh, Charlie. I hope you meant what you said, hope you don’t mean to keep doing things like this to make me feel like I want you back. Then it dawns on me: maybe I should have told him about Ethan. That would have killed any hope he has. It would hurt him, but at least he could move on.
But let’s face it, I’m too much of a coward to admit my feelings to him, especially when I don’t want to admit them to myself. My only comfort from my guilt and hurt right now is Ethan. Just like that, thinking about time with him silences my overworked brain. I ha
ven’t had a good day since before Nan died and I’m hopeful that Ethan meant what he said. I’m hopeful today will be all about a day with my best friend.
Because I could use one. And only Ethan can give me that.
10
ETHAN
Manny’s eyes almost bulge out of his head when I deliver him breakfast in his hospital bed. I check out his tray and he’d better show me some love for this. Wow. Oatmeal from a package. Cold coffee. And a box of cereal and milk. I, on the other hand, have brought him thick toast, slices of bacon, eggs, and pork and beans. He’s practically salivating.
“You have no idea how much I love you right now.”
“I think I have an idea.”
He hands me his tray and I put it on a chair on the other side of the room while he digs into the stuff I brought. His first bite causes him to close his eyes and sigh. “Oh my God. Where did you get this?”
“Alice’s Truck Stop.”
“So frigging good.” He takes a few more bites. “I’m hard right now.”
“As happy as I am for you that your dick didn’t suffer in your bar fight, I don’t really need to know about it.”
“What happened to you last night? I thought you were coming back?”
I shrug, not entirely sure if I want to talk about Annie right now. I mean, I can always talk about Annie, but I feel like an asshole for still wanting her when she made it clear she no longer wants me back.
But he guesses, so what’s a guy to do?
“I saw her at Dad’s and I kind of lost it. I don’t want her out there. Fucking embarrassing what he’s become. And on top of that, what if he reacts to her, ends up hurting her? I’d fucking kill him. I’m not even exaggerating.”
“Yeah, when she went to get some stuff for me, I didn’t want her to go, but I thought she’d be quick and I didn’t think she’d go back.” Manny stops chewing and looks over at me, confused. “Why did she go back, anyway?”