by Sara Hubbard
“How'd that work out for you?”
“I know,” I say, pissed at myself, even though she's more amused than irritated. In fact, she's not angry at all, and I know how much she likes her sleep. She has trouble with it, just like me.
“Come on,” she says. She moves to her feet and stands, holding her hands out to help me up. I'm the guy, I should be doing that. But if it puts a bright smile on her face, I'll let her pull me up to her heart’s content.
She keeps my hands in hers and leads me to the bed, glancing over her shoulder with a shy expression. When we get to her bed, she crawls in, still clothed in her white tank and underwear. I slide in, under the covers, beside her. We spoon, with her back to my front and my arms wrapped around her chest. She lays her hand on my arm and caresses my skin with her thumb, sending a fiery current of electricity from my arm to the rest of my body. Her touch awakens me. It’s been so long since I've been with a woman without picturing her face. Now she's here and there's no more imagining. I can keep my eyes open and savor every moment.
My dick gives my desires away and it presses against her ass, making my pants feel two sizes too small. She moves a little bit, her ass just brushing against me in a way that gets me even harder. I’m sure she's doing it on purpose. If I saw her face right now, I'd probably see her mischievous little grin as she teases me.
“Keep moving,” I say, “and I might not be able to stay a gentleman.”
“Who asked you to be one?” she asks, her voice husky.
I'm pretty sure that's an invitation. I grip her hip, my hand running along the length of her ass and upper thigh before sliding underneath her silky underwear and along her smooth, bare ass. Fuck, she feels good. I want to touch every inch of her. I roll her onto her back, leaning over her to look down into her eyes.
“I missed this,” I say quietly.
“Crawling in through my window? Or this?”
“Both. I used to love sleeping here. It was probably the only time we ever got a good night's sleep—when we were together.”
“I remember. I've been very tired since you left.”
I chuckle at her quietly before leaning down and capturing her pouty bottom lip between mine. She tastes of mint tea and I lick my lips when we break apart, wanting to taste her again and again.
“I did it,” she says.
I'm not sure what she's referring to, but I hope it's what I think it is.
“I told Charlie.”
“Good. Nothing to hold you back anymore.”
“You think I held back just because of him?”
“Partly because of him. And partly because you can’t let yourself be happy.”
“Who says I deserve it?”
“I do. And I’m all that matters, understand?”
She looks away and I clutch her chin and force her to look at me. “Don't go getting lost in that pretty little head of yours right now. Just focus on us, and how good this feels.”
“It does, doesn't it? Like no time has passed.”
“I never thought when I came back I'd feel as crazy lost as I was when I left you. But here I am, thinking about you every second when I'm not with you.”
“Is it good to feel this way?”
“I don't know. But it feels pretty good right now.”
“It scares me, Ethan. It did back then and it still does. I don't know how to deal with these emotions. They're so intense, like I can't get my mind off you. What do I do with that? What do I do if you change your mind?”
“I don't know what to do or say to convince you except to ask you to give me a chance to show you. I think I deserve that after all this time.”
She nods, but I can see the struggle she battles with in her head.
“I'm not just any guy. I've known you a long time. I’ve earned the right for you to trust me, Annie. Me more than anyone else. I’ve never lied to you. Never will.”
“Yeah. But then what do we do now? You're going to leave again.”
“What if I don’t?”
“Don’t even say that. I won’t let you. I swear I won’t forgive you if you do that, and you’ll never forgive yourself, either.”
My dick is throbbing and I really want to do something more physical than talking right now, but I give her what she wants. Knowing this talk has to happen soon.
“Just so you know. I wouldn’t resent you. If I had to choose, I’d choose you. Would have back then too, if you’d let me.”
“I think I knew that. But I wouldn’t let myself believe it. No one has ever loved me like you do, despite my flaws. I’m broken, Ethan. Not sure I’ll ever be right and you don’t even seem to care.”
“I love you more for it, Annie. Don’t you get that? From the first time I saw you.”
I rest my weight on my arms and shift so that my legs are to the side of her body so I can calm myself down. My cock wants to be deep inside her right now, but my head has waited for this conversation for so long. It means more than making love to her.
She swallows hard and closes her eyes.
“Richard is in town,” I say.
Her eyes pop open and she scowls at me. I caress her cheek, loving her pout.
“He's booked a charter to take me back to Philly tonight.”
“Oh,” she says, deflated.
“I want you to come with me.”
“Ethan...”
“Don't say no just yet.”
“I can't leave. This is my home, the only one I've ever had. And my job? I love my job.”
I nod, wanting very much to understand and be okay with that, but I'm not. “You remember that first time we talked on the swings?”
She thinks for a moment before giving me a slight nod.
“I told you all I wanted was to play hockey and you remember what you told me?”
“I wanted a family.”
“I’m your family now. You have that with Manny and me. Don’t let me go, Annie. Fuck. I can’t take it again. Let me be your family.”
She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me close. She sniffs and I hear her silent cry.
“I want that so bad,” she says. “But how would it look?”
“We come home—here, to Rawdon—in the off-season.”
“And I follow you during game season?” She frowns at me. “What about nursing? I just give that up? Then what? What if I end up resenting you, years down the road? My father resented my mother for giving up on his dream.”
“Your parents were fucked, Annie. They didn’t deserve you. And the only good thing they ever did was let your grandmother take you.
“I would give everything up for you,” I say.
“So I should do the same?” she sits up and I sit quietly beside her. “I can't just be 'Ethan's girlfriend.' It wouldn't be enough. I need to nurse, need to feel like I'm helping people and making a difference. Please understand that. It has nothing to do with me rejecting you. You know I love you.”
“Say that again,” I say.
Her cheeks flush and she tips her head down to hide her face. “I do. I always have.”
“Then we make it work. I’ll fly back every chance I get.”
“That would get old.”
“Annie, you have a reason to counter everything I say.”
“I never broke it off because I didn't love you. I broke it off because I don't see this working. It would for a while, because we'd want it to, but eventually we'd see each other less and less and sooner or later we'd get used to the little time we had. I want more.”
“So you're saying no. You don't even want to try again?”
“No. I didn't say that.”
I groan, shaking my head. “Then I'm confused.”
“Let's just take it one day at a time, okay? Let's not think this to death. Can we do that?”
“Wait. Did you just tell me not to overthink this?”
She slaps my shoulder and I shake my head at her. “Hello, kettle,” I tease.
“Shut up. I’m trying to h
ave a serious conversation here.”
“Okay. One day at a time. For now.” Until I can find a better way. And I will. I'll move mountains if I have to. I open my mouth to talk but she silences me with her lips. It’s clear we're done talking and I couldn't be happier. If I don't see her for a while, I don't want to spend what time we have now hashing out reasons why we won't work. I need to show her how much we make sense. Because nothing feels better than when I'm inside of her.
20
ANNIE
Ethan crushes his lips to mine and I let out a quiet moan, which he returns before rolling on top of me. I press against him, reaching down to unbutton his pants. His lips trail kisses across my cheek until he reaches my ear. His warm breath in my ear gets me hot and I practically rip his shirt off of him, making him press against me even harder.
When I get his pants undone, he helps me shed them, tossing them onto the floor, pants and boxers combined. My thin silk underwear provides little barrier between us and I can feel the outline of his erection. Is it possible it’s much bigger than I remember? I reach down, gripping it as his tongue reaches my breasts and he circles my nipples, giving them gentle flicks, making them stand on end. I say his name and he comes up to give me a gentle kiss on my lips.
“It's been too long,” he says.
“Please,” I cry. “I want you.”
He pulls down my underwear and though I'm embarrassed, he lowers his face and I try to stop him, to pull him up. He takes my hands and pushes them away. “No, baby. I want all of you.”
I nod, but my body tenses. He's the only man I've ever let taste me, the only man who could convince me to let him. “You're so beautiful,” he says as his tongue slides between my lower lips and my eyes roll in the back of my head as my back arches.
“That's right,” he says. “Don’t fight me.”
I moan, his name escaping my lips.
One finger slips inside of me, and then another. I feel the change in pressure and the delicious ache that makes me crave much more than his fingers. “Make love to me,” I plead. I'm putty in his hands, but he won't relent. He keeps his fingers moving in and out as his tongue swirls around my clitoris. I feel myself traveling up a tall peak and I’m ready to jump into the abyss, to lose myself in him. When it finally happens I feel as if something inside of me shatters, exploding into a million pieces. The release is so magnificent I'm close to passing out. Only then does his face come up to meet mine.
I can taste myself on his lips, but I don’t care. I kiss him even harder, surprised by how hot it gets me. With his forehead against mine, he enters me, stretching me farther and farther with every slow, delicious thrust. “Harder,” I cry. “Faster.” I grip his ass and force him to move quicker, wanting to fall apart again underneath him.
He pumps slow and fast, alternating in a way that brings me close, but then he holds back and the peak escapes me. When I try to force him to pick up his pace, he goes even slower. I explode again, this time the feeling so intense my body shakes and I cry out his name. He slows and collapses on top of me, saying my name over and over. “Annie. My Annie.”
And he stays there, still inside of me and I'm content to let him. We fall asleep like this, him on top of me, inside of me, me crushed beneath his weight but my body accepting it.
Safe. Protected. Loved. I could stay in this moment forever.
We sleep for hours. His cell phone draws me from my dreams early in the afternoon. He groans, but doesn't move and I grab his phone, not thinking that he would mind.
“Ethan's phone,” I say, my voice husky with sleep.
“Who is this?”
I recognize his voice right away. I talked to Richard more than Ethan the first few months after he left Rawdon. “Hello, Dick,” I say, my lack of excitement to talk to him evident.
“I need to talk to Ethan.”
“I'll be sure to pass on a message,” I say, repeating the same words he often said to me, though I'm certain he rarely followed through.
He laughs and I'm pretty sure I hear him call me a bitch under his breath. “Ethan has a plane to catch at seven-thirty this evening.”
“Mm hmm. Got it. Eight-thirty.”
“Seven-thirty.”
“Isn't that what I said?” I say, playing innocent.
He repeats it again, then he asks me to say it out loud. “Eat a dick, Richard.”
“Oh, Annie, how I missed our conversations. I assume we'll be talking again. I can't wait for more.”
“Likewise.”
“I didn't book a seat for you on the plane. I assumed you wouldn't be coming.”
“Did you?”
“Yes. I did. I'm right, aren't I? You said no when he asked?”
“Good-bye, Dick. Always a pleasure.”
I hang up the phone and see Ethan smiling into my spare pillow. “Why do you two hate each other so much?”
“You mean for reasons other than he's a total douchebag?”
“Yeah, besides that.”
“I don't trust him.”
“Neither do I. He's an agent. I trust him about as much as I trust politicians.”
I cuddle up next to him, encouraging him to wrap his arms around me. The cold touches me, especially my feet. I rub them up and down his warm legs.
“You're freezing.”
“So warm me up.”
“I'm spent, baby.”
“You need to build up some stamina,” I tease.
“I thought I had plenty. But unfortunately my dick isn’t used to the exercise.”
I laugh out loud, happy to hear it but a little doubtful. “How long?” I ask.
“Eight months.”
“Really?”
“Mm hmm.”
“I'm impressed.”
“When you want chocolate, candy just isn't going to cut it.”
Smiling, I kiss him gently. This is all that matters. Me in his arms. I think about what Richard said, how he knew I wouldn't go with Ethan. He thinks he has me figured out. I hate that he's so smug about it, too. Almost makes me want to reconsider. I try to remind myself why I’m staying put, but I struggle to remember the reasons.
“Penny for your thoughts,” he says.
“I don’t know. You tell me.”
“I was just thinking you were wrong. This will never get old. It would have happened by now. I never told you, but from the moment I first saw you, I knew I wanted you. I knew I'd love you.”
I make a face.
“I know you have a hard time letting yourself care for people, let alone believing someone loving someone at first sight...but it happened to me. The first day I saw you, when you walked into homeroom with your matted hair and impossibly big, brown eyes. You wore ripped jeans, dirty white sneakers and a blue sweater.”
“You remember that?”
“Of course. I remember everything. I watched you for weeks before I finally got the nerve to talk to you. Remember that day on the playground?”
“I remember. I was sitting by myself and you came over and sat with me. It surprised me a little.”
“You looked sad. And so was I. I never had anything to talk to you about before then and that day I guess I didn't care. I thought sitting with you in silence was better than sitting by myself. I just hoped you didn't tell me to fuck off and leave you alone. But you didn't. You just reached out and gave me your hand. I never knew why. I find it funny that I never asked. Maybe I kind of liked imagining that you did it because you’d been watching me too. That maybe you’d thought about me.”
I wish I could give him that, but it wasn't. Not even close. “You looked like you needed it.”
“I figured it was something not quite so romantic.”
I chuckle with him, but there is no humor in his bright eyes.
“I don't believe in love at first sight, Ethan. And I never believed in love until Nan gave it to me, and then you. But I will tell you that the next time I took your hand—when your mom died a year later—I knew then what it meant
to love someone back, not like family-love, but the feeling that you can't breathe when you're away from them. I felt it then. I just didn't believe it was real. I thought I was just mistaking our friendship for love. But no one has ever made me feel that way but you. No one. And no one ever will.
“I feel the same.”
“The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I'm still here, in this town, this house. It was you and Nan that made me love it here. She's gone and you are too. I guess I worry if I leave and I lose you, then I'll have nothing.”
“Try and lose me. I dare you.”
I smile at him.
“Oh, wait. You already did.”
“You're so frustrating.”
“Worse than ever,” he says.
“I don't doubt it.”
“So what are you saying?” he asks, propping his head up on his bent elbow.
“I don't know. I have some vacation time. Maybe I could come for a little while.”
“You'd do that?”
“Yeah. I want more time.”
“Can you leave today?”
I laugh and tap his chest, playfully. “No. I can't. I have to put in a request for the time. Maybe a week? A little longer. But that won't be such a bad idea. Manny should get discharged today and I can check in on him.”
“I asked him to come, too.”
“Doesn't sound like you got the response you wanted.”
“Nope. I didn't. I made him promise to think about moving, but I don't see it happening.” He leans back, to lay his head on my pillow, and lets out a long sigh. “I can't think about him here—with Dad. He's not on a good path and Dad will only turn him more sour.”
“Or maybe he'll see exactly what he doesn't want to become.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
“Don’t worry, Ethan. He's half his mother. Remember that when you doubt him.”
He pulls me close and kisses me, his lips lingering, rubbing against mine before nuzzling my nose. “The only thing I don't doubt in this world is how I feel about you. I wish you could say the same.”
“I wish I could too...sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I hadn't gone through all my childhood shit.”
“Not the same. But no regrets, babe. Who knows where you'd be? It might have been worse. You're happy, right? With your job? With whatever is going on between us?”