I found them, I found Ryan's eyes, and they focused on me for a second, then the connection dropped. I clutched my chest as a guy stepped between us. He stood as tall as Ryan was. I stood stock-still and watched as his hands came up and pushed Ryan in the chest away from me.
Ryan's eyes grew dark.
I tried to turn away.
My body flinched as something or someone walked behind me. They were too close.
I watched Ryan's face as a scowl took over and his anger switched his features into something dark and sinister. Nothing like my Ryan.
The muffled sounds took on an angry tone as Ryan lifted his hands and grabbed the guy by the shirt.
I took another step back.
People stopped and watched Ryan and the other guy squaring off. I took another step back but stopped when I heard.
"The famous Ryan Ware. That's what you get off on. Bullying women."
"Dude, mind your own business. She's my girlfriend."
"Fuck that. I'm not going to just walk by and watch you take advantage of a female."
Ryan pushed the guy, and the guy pushed back.
Ryan grabbed the guy by the collar of his oversized red flannel shirt. The guy tripped over his own boots and fell into Ryan.
I looked for Ryan's other hand. It was balled into a fist. His face morphed, and I recoiled. He was preparing to strike.
"Stop." The guys with their hands on each other stopped and looked in my direction. I looked around to see who yelled it. I wanted to thank that person.
"Miss, is he hurting you?"
The entire crowd stared at me.
"No. I'm fine. He's my boyfriend."
The guy dropped his hands.
I reached my hand out, and Ryan came over to me. He took my hand, and I exhaled a breath I had been holding for what seemed like days.
I stepped back out of the street and placed my back to the building.
The crowded dispersed. The guy, who didn't even realize how close he was to getting his lights knocked out by an NFL lineman, shook his head and walked away.
I dropped Ryan's hand and squatted down next to the building.
I searched for Ryan, but the world swirled in front of me. When I looked down, I saw the solid concrete. I noticed the buildings. The solid, unmovable structures, I saw, sensed, felt, but the rest of the world was an angry, menacing blur, and I needed to get out of it.
I fished my phone out of my pocket. I dialed and held it to my ear.
A sob escaped my throat when she answered.
"Leah." I reached for her, but she flinched, her eyes glued to the ground. "Leah, baby. What's wrong?"
Her face glistened and her skin dulled. Her whole body shivered in the New Orleans heat.
"Baby, speak to me. What's going on?"
I kneeled down next to her. Her eyes scanned back and forth, but they didn't focus on anything or anyone. I called her name over and over, but she didn't respond.
She squatted on the ground with one hand on the building behind her. I reached out to touch her hand, but she flinched again, and I drew my hand back.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone.
The sob that escaped her lips made my chest tighten. It wasn't loud, but the desperation and the sorrow was a physical thing I felt in my heart.
I looked around to see if we drew any attention. I needed to keep people away from her. That was my job. To keep the world back so she could find her way in it.
I heard Sophie's voice through the phone.
Leah opened her mouth, but no sounds would come out. She shook like it was ten below zero outside. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and warm her up, but she didn't need me. She needed something, though. She dropped the phone.
I picked it up and handed it to her. She shook her head. I placed it to my ear, and she nodded.
"Sophie."
"Ryan. What's going on? Where's Leah?"
"She's here. She's... I don't know. She freaked out, and now, she's sitting out here shaking like a leaf. What do I do?"
"Where are you guys?"
"On the corner of Bourbon and St. Peters."
"Oh, my God," Sophie whispered under her breath.
Leah stared with expectancy in her eyes. Waiting for instructions.
"Leah, do I need to call someone? Tell me what to do for her," I yelled, and Leah scooted away from me. The fear in her eyes hit me in the gut.
"First, you need to calm down." I could hear Sophie moving. "Put the phone on speaker.”
I hit speaker and held the phone out.
"Hey, Leah. Sweetie. You're okay, but you need to come home. Okay?"
Leah nodded, but she didn't move.
"Okay, so you know where you are? You need to say something, sweetie. I need to hear your voice."
"Yes," Leah whispered.
Tears sprung to my eyes. It was the most amazing sound.
"Okay, great. Now, get up and walk home. Can you do that?"
"Ryan?" Leah said my name and I let a tear fall. She reached out and wiped it away. It broke my heart. She was in trouble and trying to comfort me. I was useless in helping her.
"Ryan's fine,” Sophie said. “Let's worry about getting you home."
Leah slid up the wall, and I stood up with her. She stared into my eyes as if searching for something. When she didn't find it, she turned around and headed in the direction of her place.
"Ryan, follow her."
I took a couple of steps on wobbly legs before I caught up and walked a half a foot behind her. She walked down St. Peters. She stopped at Royal and scanned both sides of the street. She shook her head and continued toward Chartres.
She stopped there longer. Surveying each direction as if contemplating the best route.
I reached out and touched her arm. She pulled away and looked up at me. I stepped back, and the pained look in her eyes made me want to turn away from her, but when she reached back and took my hand, fuck if that didn't hurt worse.
She tugged me to her side, lacing her fingers with mine.
She turned left on Chartres and continued.
The streets were pretty empty, but if anyone did see us, they would think we were a happy couple taking a late-night stroll in the French Quarter.
In reality, we were both in our own worlds. Leah's world pulled her so far inside herself visitors were rarely welcomed. In my mind, I imagined what she was going through, but scared to think on it too long for fear of what I might find.
When we neared her street corner, Sophie joined us from the opposite direction. At Dumaine, Sophie stopped. Leah looked in her direction but made no sign she recognized her.
It wasn't until Sophie called her name did she tear her eyes from the sidewalk with a start.
The sound of her name brought silent tears to her eyes. She dropped my hand and grabbed Sophie's. It wasn't about me, but the rejection hurt all the same.
"Hey, sweetie. You had a big day. Partying on Bourbon Street," Sophie said as she guided Leah toward their building.
When we reached the door, Leah punched in the numbers, and the door opened. Leah walked in; Sophie followed her. I held the door open but wasn't sure I was welcome in.
Whatever Leah was going through, Sophie had seen it before. She would take care of her. Their month-long disagreement was now a thing of the past.
At the stop of the first landing, Leah turned back and frowned.
Sophie turned to me and then back to Leah. "You want Ryan to come up?"
Leah nodded and continued up the stairs and disappeared around the corner.
"What the fuck, Sophie?" I whispered.
"Let's get her to bed and then we can talk."
As I entered her apartment, Leah stood in the middle of the room and took off her clothes. She continued to shake uncontrollably, but she had a sheen of sweat all over her body. I studied her and shook my head as my cock stirred with her standing there in a tank top and panties.
Sophie handed her a bottle of wate
r and opened her hand.
"Are these the right ones?"
Leah didn't answer; she just took whatever was in her Sophie's outstretched hand and downed it with the entire bottle of water. When she finished, she shuddered, and her lids dropped.
She walked toward her bedroom, and Sophie followed.
Leah looked over Sophie's shoulder at me and my heart sank.
"I'm okay. Just please don't leave me, okay?" Leah asked.
I nodded my head, not sure what she was asking. Did she mean tonight or forever?
"Say it," she said.
"I won't leave," I said but wasn't sure I meant it.
She gave a satisfactory nod and crawled into bed. She pulled Sophie's arm and whispered something in her ear.
Sophie nodded, set another bottle of water on her nightstand, turned off the lamp and the overhead light, and shut the door, closing me off from my Leah.
It felt like the start of forever.
"Sophie."
"Shh." Sophie placed her finger to her lip. She grabbed my arm and pulled me out onto the balcony. I breathed in the humid air before turning toward Sophie. She did the same.
"I can't tell you everything." Sophie looked out across the buildings. "So please don't ask me. She said she will tell you everything as soon as this passes."
"What is this exactly?"
"She has an anxiety disorder being around people."
"I know that. I've seen her get uncomfortable, but this was totally different."
"What you see is her being uncomfortable; you have no idea what she had to go through to maintain what you and I think is normal. It's painful and exhausting, and at any moment, she knows she might go over the edge, and if it gets to that point, there isn't anything we can do about it." Sophie placed a hand on my arm.
It felt weird, so I shrugged it off.
"Why was she on Bourbon Street?"
"I have family in town. We were out at Cat's Meow, and she called me from across the street. She was fine. She seemed fine. We were talking, and I was about to head home with her, but I just wanted her to meet my family. As we were heading to the bar, she stopped. I tried to pull her along and then some asshole stepped between us and got in my face about bullying women. Leah's face went dark, and she started shivering. I tried to get to her, but that guy was pushing me back. I was about to deck him when Leah... came back. I don't know how else to describe it. She told the guy she was fine and came and got me and pulled me back across the street."
"Oh, wow. That's good," Sophie said and nodded.
"How is that good?" It was fucked up and I was clueless.
"It means she is getting better at dealing with it. If she showed some signs of not letting it take her under, she is getting stronger." The smile on Sophie's face showed actual wonderment, but I couldn’t match her enthusiasm. It didn't sound good. None of this sounded good.
"What did you just give her?" I asked.
"Clonazepam."
My eyes narrowed.
"It's like a heavy dose of Valium. It will knock her out until her system can kind of reset."
"Why did this happen tonight?"
"Well, as you can imagine, she doesn't spend a lot of time partying on Bourbon Street."
"She came to see me."
"With you, she seems to be taking more chances than she normally would. It’s probably because she wants to be normal for you."
"She said that to me before. She just wants to be normal." I scratched my neck and took a seat. "Have you seen this before?"
"A few months after I moved in, I threw a party. I was in my place when a couple of guys came running in and said a girl had passed out on the landing upstairs. I called the ambulance and rode with her to the hospital. They were asking me all kind of questions, but besides her name, I didn't know a thing about her.
"She woke up in the hospital the next day, and she told me about her disorder and what happened to her in college—" Sophie held up her hand. "And before you ask, I'm not going to tell you. That's her truth to tell."
"Is this about her roommate killing herself?" I asked.
Sophie looked back at me, her eyes narrowed. "She told you about that."
"Yeah, that's all she told me, though." I stood up. I knew there was more to it. "I mean. That's awful, but that wasn't what tonight was about. She left herself, and I saw it in her eyes. I mean what was it? Was she raped? Did her last boyfriend beat her up? "
"Ryan, listen. Don't make yourself crazy trying to guess. She'll tell you. Just let her do it her own way." Sophie turned toward me and grabbed my hand.
"Once she does tell you, please do me a favor. If you can't handle it, then leave her alone."
I wrenched my hand away and stared down at her.
"I'm serious. She can deal with you being a disappointment, but she can't take watching you being disappointed in her."
I sat back down and hid my face in my hands. Sophie reached out, squeezed my hands, and walked back inside.
She checked on Leah and then headed to the door. "She will probably be out of it and asleep for a while but don't leave her alone tonight, okay."
I nodded but didn't look up.
I sat on the balcony a long time listening to the sounds of New Orleans. My whole body felt heavy. Like the weight of the last couple of hours had pushed me down into the earth, gravity working overtime.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I missed two calls and a couple of texted from my cousins. I texted Brady to let him know I wasn't abducted. We have a great time at dinner and I told them all about Leah. They were jacked to hang out. I hate disappointing them.
The word disappointment rang over and over in my head. I knew about disappointment from both sides.
My life had been a series of disappointments dampening all the good things I had in my life.
I was touted early as a standout athlete but was always disappointed I never knew my father, and he couldn't see what I could do.
I was disappointed in my mother for keeping his identity from me and telling me he was a screw-up. I was disappointed that I never got the opportunity to form an opinion about him myself.
I got drafted and was disappointed my mother died before she could see I wasn't like my dad. Even though being a professional athlete and dedicating my life to the pursuit disappointed her.
After going through some of her stuff, I found a journal she wrote in about the time I was born. She wrote about my father.
How he cheated on her and was a first-grade asshole to her. I got the feeling he was a professional athlete as well, but she never said what sport or what level.
It was the only explanation for why my future ambitions disappointed her so much.
I walked back into Leah's apartment. I turned off the lights and collapsed on the couch. I laid my head back and closed my eyes. I dozed off but was yanked out of sleep by the sound of Leah's voice.
"Ryan." Her fingers ran over my hands clasped over my chest. She had knelt down next to me; her eyes caught the reflection from the street lamp outside. She looked like her old self. She was my Leah.
"You okay?"
"Can you hold me, please?" A tinge of desperation entered her tone, but she smiled. I opened my arms, and she crawled on me. She laid her head on my chest, and her body sunk into mine.
I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tight. She exhaled.
I waited a few minutes before speaking, and it was too much time; she had drifted back to sleep. Her breath was calm and steady. Her heart beat an even rhythm against my chest. I ran a hand under the T-shirt, and her skin was warm under my touch.
She clung to me in her sleep as if I was the only thing keeping her tied to the world.
I held in the sob threatening to escape because I wasn't sure if I could do what Sophie had asked.
Last night, in my dreams, I sought out Ryan. This morning, I woke up in his arms. I wished I could forget what happened between.
I normally had an episode, and only th
rough therapy and dreams would I figure out what happened. Last night was different.
I am different.
I slid off him, careful not to wake him, and kneeled on the floor next to the couch. His large frame fit perfect on my oversized couch. I watched him sleep, his face peaceful. A stark contrast to the worried scowl he wore last night. I’d seen that scowl before. It happened when he was deeply concerned or worried.
It was that look. Like doom and gloom were around the corner.
While anyone else looking at the events of last night would think I had regressed, I took it as a victory.
I had been taking more chances than usual since being with Ryan. I knew that, but I also knew that being with him gave me a sense of empowerment I hadn't felt since before it happened.
I drew on his strength and his determination to handle anything.
He inspired me every moment of every day. I wanted to tell him.
Every episode was an opportunity for growth.
Real therapy talk.
I powered on my computer and opened my journal.
The thing that struck me about last night was my reaction when Ryan was threatened. While I had no doubt Ryan would have dropped the guy if given the chance, I knew if I allowed it to happen, Ryan would get in trouble. I couldn't live with him getting hurt because of me.
His hands curled into a fist, and his body twitched and recoiled back and tensed. Despite my anxiety, despite the chasm my body fell in, I clung to the sides long enough to defuse the situation.
That extra jolt of whatever it was—confidence, desperation, survival—knocked me to the bottom of the hole with all its force, but when I looked up this time, the hole didn't appear as deep as before.
That was it. That was the sign I was healing, and it gave me an amazing amount of clarity about my life and about my future.
I looked over at him, and he had woken up. He lay in the same position, staring at me.
My chest tightened, and my heart fluttered.
He smiled at me, and while it was a cautious smile, it made my stomach flip.
It was all I was going to get. All he was willing to give me until I told him the truth.
I smiled back at him and turned back to my computer. I finished typing. Pouring my thoughts and feelings into what happened last night. When I was done, I shut the computer down.
Anxious Love (Love Sick #1) Page 14