She had no clue what it was like to be with someone and see them in a way they didn't see themselves.
I groaned because I wasn't sure if I was describing how I felt about Leah or how my action made me feel about myself.
I looked down at Sophie, her hands on her hips, cocked to one side. Her eyes burned through me as she bit her lip and waited. I looked back at the couple in the corner. The bar seemed smaller; too many people had crowded into the small space, and their movement made me nauseous.
Sophie lowered her arms and shifted on her feet. It was hot in here, and my body shook as my head throbbed and my vision blurred.
I pushed past Sophie, almost knocking her down as I stumbled toward the entrance. I heard my name but didn't respond as I pushed my way outside and gulped in the fresh air.
The air was thick and humid, but it cleared my head. I stood on the sidewalk, my hands on my knees, sucking in the oxygen and trying to get my brain to stop banging against my skull. When the contents of my stomach stopped churning, I stood up, and Sophie stood in front of me.
"You okay?" she asked.
I laughed and then walked a few feet before sitting down on the curb. "No."
She squatted in front of me. "What happened in there?"
"Too much scotch, too fast." I looked up at her. "I wondered if that's what Leah feels like in a crowd." I chuckled but stopped when the sound and movement made me nauseous.
Sophie scrunched her face, stood up, and sat next to me. "Yeah, maybe a little, but we can't know how she feels even if she tells us."
"I couldn't handle it." I smirked.
"Then it's a good thing you left."
I glared at Sophie.
"Aren't you going to tell me to get over myself? Leah needs me."
Sophie let out an audible and frustrated sigh.
"She doesn't need you, Ryan."
I turned to face her. She slowly shook her head, her disgust with me evident.
"Where is she?" I asked.
She seemed reluctant to tell me.
"At the lake."
I nodded. "Cutting herself off from the world again?"
"Jesus Ryan," Sophie said as she pushed me on the shoulder. It caught me off guard. I braced myself with my bad hand and groaned as the pain shot up my arm.
"You really are clueless. She has done more, exposed herself to more, put herself out there more since meeting you. Not to mention the time you two spent in her apartment. I imagine she needed to get away because her whole world lately reminds her of you."
One problem with that theory—we made some pretty lasting memories at the lake house, too. I kept that information to myself.
Sophie reached out and touched my arm, and while she might have meant it as a comfort, her kindness made me feel ashamed. "What happened to her in the past doesn't change the person she is or the person you care about. She's strong, even strong enough to get over you."
Sophie stood up, and I stared up at her. "It's probably best that you stay away. You don't deserve her."
I watched Sophie walk back into the bar.
"Fuck," I whispered under my breath.
Leah was at the lake. I could go to her. I could drive out there, apologize, and beg for her forgiveness.
A warm feeling started in my stomach and moved south when I thought about our time at the lake. She was so open and free. I smiled remembering the way she walked around naked, curves set off perfect with the lake in the backdrop and the sun on her light brown skin. How we’d had sex on the deck out in the open and how she had grinned down at me when she came. The look on her face, the admiration in her eyes when she looked at me.
The time we spent in her apartment, talking and laughing and fucking. Her being up for anything I asked. God, being with her was so good. It felt so good. I grinned.
Since Leah came into my life, I had never been happier. It kind of seemed silly when I thought about all I got from being with her. Maybe the fact she couldn't be in parts of my life weren't that big of a sacrifice.
"Oh, shit. You're Ryan Ware." I turned and found three college-age guys staring down at me. "Dude, Ryan, man, I got to get your picture. I'm a huge Notre Dame fan." The guy kneeled next to me, and the other guy held up his phone.
I smirked when the guy snapped the photo. I stood up thankful I didn't stumble. "How you guys doing tonight?"
"Dude, you have to let me buy you a drink," the other kid said.
They were only a year or two younger than me, but they looked like kids.
"Nah, I've had enough."
"Okay, one more photo." The two other guys crowded in, and a couple of girls had stopped with their phone in their hand ready to step in as the guys finished.
"Oh my God, he is so hot," one of the girls said. A few more people gathered, and I stood on the sidewalk, shook everyone’s hand, took photos, and tried to give each one a moment of my time.
The blonde, who thought I was hot, grabbed my arm and rubbed her tits up against me. I thought to myself, I should be fucking girls like this and leave the serious shit for when I'm thirty. I shook my head and laughed, but my chest hurt. Being with Leah was nothing but serious. She was a serious person. What she had been through, who it made her into, she was far out of my league.
I stiffened when the blonde stood on her toes, pulled my neck down, and whispered in my ear. "I've never fucked an NFL player before."
I blinked and stared down with my jaw locked in a smirk. She giggled and batted her eyes, but her friends grabbed her. As she walked away, she stuck a finger in her mouth and sucked on it, pulled it out and motioned for me to follow. No reason I couldn't follower her and fuck her. Nothing was keeping me from being that guy . . . except Leah.
I couldn't deny it anymore. I was in love with Leah.
Fuck my life.
"You are not going to believe who walked into the bar last night." Sophie barely made it to the front porch of the lake house before spilling her conversation with Ryan. I wasn't sure what to do with the information. He was miserable, but he was drinking. The start of the season was less than a week away. I didn't want him to throw his dreams away because of our breakup. No matter how satisfying it would be for me. The big, strong NFL football man could be brought to his knees by little anxiety-filled, timid me.
"He is having a hard time dealing with it, but I think he will get over it."
I frowned. "That doesn't make me feel any better."
"You look good," she said as we settled onto the couch on the deck. I had moved the bed to the side deck. Every time I looked at it, I replayed in my mind what Ryan and I had done on it and got all tingly on the inside and missed him more.
"What did you think I was doing out here? Sitting in my PJs eating ice cream and feeling sorry for myself?"
"You are allowed, you know. I mean aren't you disappointed in him?"
I laughed. "That's the perfect word to describe how I feel. But mostly, I miss him."
We spent the rest of the week hanging out, talking, laughing, and scheming. Over the course of the week, I noticed Sophie would take her phone and go down by the lake. She would sit on the deck talking to someone, and when she came back, she always had a grin on her face.
I wasn't a nosy person, but her recent change in demeanor had me curious. I sat on the deck reading. Her grin had turned into a blush when she saw me staring at her.
"Oh, hey." She sat her phone on the table, and we both looked at it.
"Who are you talking to?"
"Nosy much?"
I cringed but pushed on. "Come on, Sophie. You've gone down to the lake and taken a call at the same time every day and come back grinning from ear to ear. Who is it? You have a little romance I don't know about?"
Her face continued to blush, but her expression looked pained. "I..." She stammered.
"You don't have to talk about it." I was hurt but tried to hide it.
"No, it's not that." She sat at the end of the couch, and I set my book down and waited for her. "Okay, it's not a big
deal at all. We've only been talking on the phone. I haven't even seen him since we meet."
"Who?" I asked.
"Kori."
My eyes grew wide. "Kori. Ryan's trainer, Kori?"
"Yeah."
"I thought he rejected you?"
"Yeah, well. Turns out you were right. He was trying to be respectful that night."
"Okay."
"So the next night I had to sing, and he walked into the bar and, I don't know. I guess my singing blew him away. After my set, we took a walk. I threw myself at him, and he turned me down again. A week later, he called me, and we've been talking ever since."
"That's... weird."
"I know, right?" She walked into the kitchen, and I followed. "We're just friends, but he's really sweet, and he's a good listener. He thinks I'm smart and crazy talented if you can believe it."
"You are."
"He also got me to work out."
"Oh, my God. What is he doing to you?"
She giggled and shook her head. "I don't know. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment." She leaned against the counter. "But he's coming in town for Ryan's game this weekend, and we are going out on a date."
"How retro," I said watching the grin on Sophie's face grow wider.
"I told him he is like a throwback from the fifties, but he wants to get to know me."
"That's so sweet, Soph. I'm happy for you." I stood up and hugged her. She hugged me back, but then pushed me away.
"Don't get excited. I'll probably screw it up anyway." She frowned, and I hugged her again.
"When is this date?"
"Saturday night."
I raised my eyes and headed inside.
"Well, let's get packed up and go. We can stop at the mall on our way back," I said over my shoulder.
"Why?"
"You have to buy a new dress for your date." I stopped at the door. "Isn't that what they did in the fifties?"
"You don't have to come back with me," Sophie said as she followed me inside. "I mean I want you to. I need all the moral support I can get, but this weekend is going to be crazy. You know how those Saint's fans get."
"I know." My insides ached even at the mention of something related to Ryan Ware. "It's not as if I'm going to be in the stadium cheering them on, but I want to be there for you. And I don't know. I kind of want to be in town. Makes me feel closer to him even if I can't be there for his big moment."
Sophie walked past. She had an idea brewing behind those green eyes.
"You know, Kori's staying at the Hilton across from the stadium. We can get a room. You can kind of watch the whole thing from twenty flights up."
"The stadium has a dome on it."
"I know, but it's the closest you can get without being inside." She pulled on my sleeve. "Come on. It will be fun."
The buzz of energy in the city hit us as soon as we exited I-20 and headed toward the French Quarter. We stopped at the mall in Metairie and shopped. Well, Sophie shopped. I got a coffee and sat on the outdoor patio at the Starbucks. I watched her try on dress after dress on Face Time.
It took us a couple of hours to find an appropriate outfit for Sophie's first date with Kori. She was going for something that would be sexy but also wouldn’t offend Kori's moral sensibilities.
I checked into the hotel early Saturday morning. I had my driver pull up into the lobby entrance. The place was deserted at 5:00 am, and I wondered what it would have been like at 6:00 am or maybe I could have pushed it to 7:00 am. My mind made these calculations automatically. Assessing the threat level of my usual behavior. I wasn't at the point of saying my anxiety and my reactions were ridiculous, but I was looking at the world different now.
I saw the world the way Ryan did. Full of opportunity and promise and a new adventure around every corner. I liked that feeling. I wished he were here to experience it with me.
"I feel bad leaving you," Sophie said as she had one hand on the door. She was excited about her date, and she had achieved the desired sexy but modest look. I couldn't wait for her to leave. Being upbeat and excited for her was exhausting.
"Don't be silly. I'll be fine. I'll order room service and go to bed early."
"Okay. I'll try and be quiet when I come in." She stepped out the door but turned back. "If I come in," she added, giggled, and winked as she shut the door behind her.
I grinned, but my heart hurt. I thought coming back to the city and being close to the hype would be okay, almost fun, but it only reminded me how much I missed Ryan.
I told Sophie we had broken up, but we hadn't. We stopped seeing each other. Of course, me running away to the lake facilitated it, but he could have called, texted, something. I was pissed at him for not reaching out. Not even a text message asking if I was okay.
I didn't exist to him, and it wouldn't be so bad if he didn’t consume my thoughts.
I could reach out to him, but I didn't know what to say. I drafted thousands of text messages but deleted each one. I was a writer, but I couldn't draft a few words to express to him how I felt.
The little pity party, drinking and crying on the city streets, was not a good look. I hid my bruised hand, and it felt better each day. It had taken me two days to get all the shit out of my system. It wasn't like me to turn to the bottle. Especially a week before the season opener. I was glad Kori wasn't coming in sooner. He would have seen it on me and been so disappointed.
I picked Kori up early Saturday morning. He was staying at a hotel because my uncle and cousins were all at my place.
He slid into my car. I held my hand out to him, and he shook it and gave me a quick hug over the console. I breathed a sigh of relief, but it was short lived.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"What do you mean?"
"You didn't have to pick me up. You're a big-time NFL football player. Aren't you supposed be sending a car for me or something?"
"I don't have much time to catch up. Besides, why would I waste my money on hiring a car? That's why I bought a car."
"You are still the same kid who brought his clothes to college in trash bags."
"I've upgraded since then," I said and pointed at my brown leather rolling garment bag on the backseat. The night before the game, the team stayed in a hotel out in the suburbs, away from the noise of the city.
"So what's wrong?"
I sighed in frustration. "Leah and I are done?" I asked it like a question because I wasn't even sure. "Tomorrow, I am slated to go up against one of the meanest three-hundred-pound tackles in the game, and that one-hundred-and-twenty-pound woman scares the shit out of me."
"Why? I thought things were going so well."
"I don't know. Maybe I'm too young to be in an adult relationship."
"You are the oldest twenty-four-year-old I know. How old is Leah?"
"Twenty-six."
"That's not that big of a difference, and remember, I was around during your college years. It's not as if you don't have a way with women, so why's she so different?"
He had no idea, and I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to tell me what an ass I was being for rejecting her because I couldn't handle what happened to her.
I could handle it, in time. I didn't have an issue with her, but my reaction to her wasn't normal. The nightmares continued, and I couldn't tell anyone about them except maybe Leah. But with the way I had acted the last time we were together, I wouldn't have been surprised if she never wanted to see me.
"Listen, I don't want to talk about it. I need to concentrate on tomorrow." I turned off the highway into the parking lot of a diner I read about online. I was going to bring Leah here for an early breakfast before the place got crowded. Start a before game ritual, but Kori would have to do.
We entered the diner; it was crowded, but the hostess recognized me and sat us quickly. The place was authentic; it had red vinyl booths along one side and a long counter down the other, which faced the open kitchen.
We had to shout to order. When I handed my me
nu to the waitress, I turned and found Kori staring.
"What?"
"I'm waiting. You said we couldn’t talk about it, so I'm waiting. What can we talk about?"
"I don't know—"
"Because you know you aren't going to be able to concentrate on that three-hundred-pound tackle tomorrow if you don't deal with what's distracting you today."
"Why do I need to talk about it? I fucked up. It's over. Moving on."
Kori shook his head and took a long sip of water staring at me over the rim.
I waited him out.
"You know how I was having some trouble last year, and you were there for me. You told me I needed to deal with my issues, or I would wake up ten years later with so much regret I couldn't swallow. I don't think I ever thanked you for that," Kori said.
"What are you talking about? You don't have to thank me. That's what friends are for."
He raised his eyebrows.
"What?"
"Take your own advice, you idiot."
"This isn't the same thing."
"Of course, it is."
"No, it's not. I'm not the one with the issue, and I can't just wave a magic wand and fix her."
"If you want to fix her, then you are the one with the problem. You can't fix her; you can only fix the way you feel about whatever it is she is dealing with."
I grunted and stared out the window.
"Ryan."
I turned to look at him, keeping the anger and rage inside. I knew that if I lashed out at him, it would be misdirected anyway. "I don't know if I can."
"Well, you have to at least try. If you don't, you're going to wake up in ten years with so much regret you won't be able to swallow."
"You're such a shit, you know that." I chuckled, and Kori joined me.
"Takes one to know one," he replied.
When the waitress dropped off our food, she gave both of us a concerned stare as we giggled like two little girls. I dug into my veggie omelet while Kori piled butter and syrup on his stack of pancakes.
"Dude, how do you eat like that and call yourself a trainer?"
"I can eat like this because I don't have three-hundred-pound tackles trying to ruin my day."
"Good point." I put another bite of the omelet up to my lips and paused. "So how about we talk about how I'm going to take care of the tackle, and tomorrow, after the game, we can talk about how I'm going to get Leah back."
Anxious Love (Love Sick #1) Page 18