Rafi was calm, pondering those words for a few minutes. “I think you’re right. I never thought about it that way before. He didn’t know me as I really am, the real me. He didn’t know anything about the real me. He couldn’t have loved me. Even though it was me he looked at, me he talked to, it was me he trusted, it wasn’t really me!”
Rafi stopped, frustrated. “I’m having trouble,” he said, “It’s hard to take ME out of the equation.” Rafi struggled with his emotions; he sipped some water to calm his nerves. He had a lump in his throat that he could not wash away.
Elisabeth waited then said, “There’s a thin line between the covert operative you and the real life you. The two ‘you’s’ have very different perspectives. We need to understand that the core of this struggle remains the conflict between those two ‘you’s’. It’s like the song lyrics ‘like a circle in a spiral like a wheel within a wheel,’ do you know that song?”
Rafi nodded and said, “I think it fits, that’s what it feels like, endless spinning from one me to the other.”
“It sounds that way,” Elisabeth affirmed.
“So, let’s just merge them and we’ll be done, right?”
Elisabeth smiled and said, “I’m afraid it’s not quite that easy, Rafi. It’s a process not a simple fix. What we need to do first is look at the whole picture and that involves Ari and the feelings of anger you have toward him for killing Shukri al-Sierawan. Your anger at him is your way of coping with your anger at yourself.”
“Ari has always felt like my other self. We’re so close. This is the only time in my life that I’ve ever felt this way about him and I feel horrible about it. He came to rescue me. He did what I could not do and how do I thank him? I get mad at him! Now that’s…. well that’s horrible! Unforgivable! I know I hurt him and he’s confused about it. I have to help him out of this mess I created for him.”
“Wait just a second Rafi. You didn’t create this situation and your feelings are not unforgiveable. They are absolutely forgivable and changeable. Let’s let Ari deal with Ari’s feelings for now.” Elisabeth suggested. “You have enough to deal with just with yourself. Okay? We’ll pick up with this next time. I suggest you do something this evening to get your mind off these troubles. Okay?”
Elizabeth Reinhardt, PhD
Great Lakes Bank Building
Suite 315
Chicago, Ill 60601
CLINICAL PROGRESS REPORT
Patient’s name: Rafi E Date of Contact: ___6/10/2013_________
Nature of Contact: Office Visit _X___ Phone Call ______Email ______Other __________
Reason For Contact: Scheduled ___X__ Practical _____Update _____Emergency _____ Other _______
Presentation: Normal __ Depressed/Low Energy _X____ Upset/Agitated _____ Frustrated/Angry ______ Dissociated/Detached ___ Anxious/Panicky ______ Obsessive/Worried/Guilty __X__ Overwhelmed ______ Desperate/Dependent ______ Confused/Conflicted __X____ Guarded/Defended ______ Moral/Spiritual _X_____
Urgency: Suicidal _______ Self-Destructive ______ Homicidal ______ Other _______
Requires hospitalization: a) Yes_____ specify plan_________________
b) No ___X_____________________
Appearance: Neat __X_____ Disheveled _______ Inappropriate _________
Substance Use/Abuse: Yes ______ No ___X____ Specify _____________
Orientation: Oriented: X Disoriented: Time ________ Place ________ Person _________
Areas of Concern: Self/Symptoms ___X__ Personal Relationships __X______ Work __X____ Finances ______ Health _______ Safety _______ Functioning __________ Moral/Spiritual ___X_________
Session Narrative: Trauma secondary to work-related role and conflict about actions that had to be taken. Twin brother’s role in the action taken causing conflict between them. Confused re: feelings between self and another person in situation causing identity crisis. Larger moral dilemma about pervasive sense of right and wrong and larger geo-political and religious viewpoints. History: capable well developed, hi functioning and intelligent. Good family support
Diagnosis: Axis I: PTSD, Depression (situational)_________
Axis II: none
11. Recommendations: fully examine and understand current conflicts, use cognitive and insight oriented techniques to help guide resolution. Self-acceptance re: feelings essential. Family/twin sessions needed.
12. Referrals if necessary: ______None_____________________
13. Clinical Impression: Rafi is an intelligent, capable young man dealing with a
situational crisis involving trauma and feelings of helplessness. Patient is in
conflict with twin over confusing work situation. Evaluate real world safety.
Good prognosis.
14. Treatment Plan: Begin assessment. Encourage him to talk about feelings and experiences which led to problem.
15. Appointment Scheduled: Yes __X____ No ________
Elisabeth Reinhardt, PhD: Elisabeth Reinhardt, PhD
Date: 6/10/2013
.
- 47 -
what lies ahead
She decided the best way to absorb the city’s nuances was on foot. Stepping around piles of rubble from a recent bombing she passed into an open air market, crowded with narrow booths selling ropes of drying figs, baskets of spices, lentils, pistachios and woven hats of every shape and size. Colorful rugs, rolls of fabric and cotton clothing cluttered narrow doorways while people pushed past one another in pursuit of their daily needs. A pale apricot hijab was draped gracefully around her head and shoulders, as she walked purposefully toward the exquisite, ornately appointed Great Mosque. It was their designated meeting place. Their meetings were always accompanied by sparks of excitement. Greetings were polite but remote, as custom demanded. They were determined to remain unobtrusive. They walked together until they came to a small park, iron benches were scattered among the well-tended garden. They selected a remote one and sat quietly together.
“Did you do it?” she asked her face tilted in the opposite direction.
“I did, my beloved,” he whispered. “Do you think you were followed?”
“No, I do not think so,” she answered still looking away from him, “I checked many times with my compact.” It was agreed that their agents would not be followed on the ground. Instead tiny GPS devices were woven into their clothing; this allowed their handlers to track their every movement from a discretely hidden distance. “Are we set for tonight?” she asked.
“Absolutely, dearest one, I await that time with anticipation,” he extracted a small square object about the size of a nickel from his pocket and placed it on the bench between them. As Samira slipped her hand over the object her emerald green eyes slid up to meet Zuhair’s in a mutually symbolic kiss.
It was dark when she unlocked the rear gate. Entering through the kitchen door she made her way to the back stairway, feeling her way with her hands she crept up the stairs to the master suite. The house was silent. She preferred it that way. It was critical that no one know she had returned. She found the knob, turned it and glided into the room. “Habeeby?” (my love) she whispered.
“Alby” (my heart) came the weak response from across the room. She inched her way in the direction of his voice and lay down beside him. Their reunion was filled with relief and desperation, love and worry. There were no words until hours later when there were explanations, when the anger spilled out and prayers for forgiveness poured forth. Gamil did not himself know all that had occurred. As they talked he realized that he was not directly responsible for his daughter’s kidnapping, but of course was responsible for arranging the meeting and bringing those men to his home in the first place. Jamila found, as she lay in the dark with her husband that her greatest anger toward him was his secrecy. In that moment, she found herself forgiving him for what he had done. He was not a bad or a careless man, he loved his family and had suffered greatly for his mistakes. “If you had only told me we could have worked this out together,” she had said.
Given the state of unrest throughout the region they decided to remain in seclusion at the Olive Grove, upstairs in their room, unseen by all but the most trusted servants and of course her parents until Gamil was well. They decided that the children would remain in Chicago until Gamil was well enough to travel. Then they would join their children abroad until it was safe for the whole family to return home. As they lay whispering, listening for the slightest sound in the silent house, they agreed they would slowly rebuild their life together.
- 48 -
RIPPLES FROM A PEBBLE
He leaned forward on the edge of his chair. Elbows digging into his knees, he scrubbed his head hard with both hands as if washing his hair. He sighed audibly but said nothing. She wondered if he was weeping. She said nothing. The clock ticked. She sighed and let her body relax into the chair waiting patiently.
After a while she said, “Ari, talk to me. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
Face down he said, “I cannot.”
“You cannot what? Tell me? ...Talk?”
He said “I cannot speak in a way that makes sense. I am a logical person. I have many university degrees. I am an independent thinker. I … I am …I think… I am…” then his voice dropped to a bare whisper “…lost…”
“You feel lost, Ari …is that what you said? You feel lost? You cannot make sense of things you feel? Is that right?” she asked gently.
With quivering lips and a low voice, Ari said “No, I mean yes you are right. It is what I said and no, I cannot make sense. I am a failure. Never before have I felt like failure but I am a failure now.” Ari said, head bowed toward the floor.
“You feel like a failure because….” She nudged him with her words.
“I have let everyone down. Rafi depended on me and somehow I deserted him. I took over and did something he was unable to do and still he’s upset and angry with me. I tried to help and it made things worse. Somehow I failed him but I don’t know what I could have done differently.” He sighed looked down at his hands.
“None of this makes sense to you, right? You are a logical person and logically this doesn’t make sense. But for your brother, it’s an emotional thing. Not a logical one,” she said.
“You did the world a favor, saved it from a madman and these are not the kinds of responses a hero expects. It doesn’t make sense, I get that. You are right, it is illogical and unfair. Let me ask you something. Until you knew Rafi was upset, were you?” Elisabeth asked.
Ari considered for a moment. “No, I was not upset then. I felt good and clear when I walked away from that madman’s tent. I did what was expected of me. I rid the world of an extremist intent on world destruction. I felt good and concentrated only on getting safely away. When I was confronted with Rafi’s confusion, I became confused. When it was clear that Rafi blamed me for what happened to that man, I was even more confused. Instead of feeling good and celebrating our win, Rafi was withdrawn and sullen. I could not reason with him. Objectively I did a good job but that is not how it feels. I feel I abandoned my twin, but think maybe he abandoned me too. For the first time in our lives we are at odds.
Ari was silent, twisting his ring around and around on his finger he added, “I worry that perhaps he is right, that I did the wrong thing, that this man should not have been killed but arrested perhaps and made to stand trial. This thought puts me in conflict with my family, my job, everything I hold dear. It puts me in conflict with my own logic.” Ari stopped and twisted his ring some more, staring at the floor he muttered, “If I hadn’t killed him the world could stand in judgment of him and his ideas yes but the risk of that was too great. His supporters would rally around their martyred leader; there would be cries for revenge, bombings across the globe, blood in the streets. Chaos would reign true, but Rafi would not hate me.” I saved the world but I lost my best friend, I lost my twin. His voice cracked and he stopped talking.
“This must be so hard for you Ari. You did the right thing for the whole civilized world but Rafi being mad at you is just tearing you apart.”
Ari looked at her and tears filled his eyes. “It has never happened before. We are not just twins, we are more than that. We are more like… well it is more like…we are two halves of a whole. I just cannot explain it more than that.”
“You explained it very well, actually I do understand what you are saying.”
Ari nodded. Then reverted to a fact-based approach… “A trial, you see anywhere in the world would be impossible. He would have become the center of the international stage for years to come and it would be the start of the next world war. So in the end Shukri al Sierawan would have had his way.”
“So,” Elisabeth clarified, “you are saying you were not conflicted about what you did until you encountered Rafi’s feelings and they overran your own?”
Ari nodded and she continued, “You absorbed his conflict about the killing even though you didn’t feel attached to the man yourself. You saw al Sierawan clearly from your point of view. Your conflict is not about what you actually did or how you feel about what you did it’s about how Rafi feels about it. Those are his conflicts not yours. The part of this that bothers you is the lack of agreement between you and your twin.
“Yes, what you say is true. I was without conflict until I sensed my brother’s feelings. We operate as one. It is not usual,” Ari said, “that we would be in conflict over an action such as this.”
“Well,” Elisabeth countered, “what about your brother hearing from “The Great One, that he was expected to act as one with him? Your brother was being pulled into a different alignment, sort of like an opposing twin-ship.”
Ari frowned his anger gathering, “How can this be? He is my twin!” he was shouting now, “Together we are The Chameleon! How could he abandon our twin-ship and form a bond with that stranger, that killer, that madman? What you say is outrageous!”
“It is infuriating,” Elisabeth agreed, “You are infuriated! But let us remember that Rafi had no true freedom of choice. This did not happen with the Rafi you know, this happened with an imprisoned, traumatized Rafi, perhaps even a Rafi in a drug-induced state. Over and over again during those days undercover, he was captive, smoking hookahs laced with hashish. His induction into the group and into the intimate relationship with al Sierawan was intensified because of those factors.
Ari was completely silent as he looked at the woman sitting calmly in her chair, knees crossed, beige silk shawl draped casually around her shoulders. He had not before considered what his brother’s attachment to this man, this enemy meant to him. Was he jealous of it? Did he hate this man so much because he had been a threat to his relationship with Rafi? The thoughts shot through his mind like jolts of electricity. These were things he definitely needed to consider. He had never felt such hatred toward anyone and now he had to consider whether jealousy could be a part of it.
Elizabeth Reinhardt, PhD
Great Lakes Bank Building
Suite 315
Chicago, Ill 60601
CLINICAL PROGRESS REPORT
Patient’s name: Ari E Date of Contact: 6/10/2013
Nature of contact: Office Visit __X__ Phone Call ______Email ______Other _______
Reason For Contact: Scheduled __X___ Practical _____Update _____Emergency _____ Other _______
Presentation: Normal _____Depressed/Low Energy _____ Upset/Agitated _____ Frustrated/Angry ______ Dissociated/Detached ______ Anxious/Panicky _____ Obsessive/Worried __X_____ Overwhelmed ______ Desperate/Dependent ______ Confused ______ Guarded/Defended ___X___ Aloof/Distant _____
Urgency: Suicidal _______ Self-Destructive ______ Homicidal ______Other _______
Requires hospitalization: a) Yes_____ specify plan b) No __X_____ if no specify reason___________________
Appearance: Neat ___X____ Disheveled _______ Inappropriate ______________________________________
Substance Use/Abuse: Yes ______ No __X_____ Specify ____________________________________________
; Orientation: Oriented: _X_________ Disoriented: Time ________ Place ________Person _________
Areas of Concern: Self/Symptoms _____ Personal Relationships __X______ Work __X____ Finances _____
Health _______ Safety _______ Functioning __________ Moral/Spiritual __X__________
Session Narrative: Concerned about twin and conflict between them related to work situation. The twin bond historically very strong with ESP and special language/communication skills. Since work problem feels walled off and unable to communicate w twin. Worried and anxious re: twin’s depression/distance. Feels responsible for problem. Moral/religious/political issues of right and wrong strongly presented as areas of conflict. Strong intelligent healthy young man, good family support
Seeing Double: An Elisabeth Reinhardt Novel Page 29