I just report the news. I don’t take part in it.
Steve’s screams finally stopped and Jane sat in silence, listening only to the sounds of her own panting breath. She turned back around to face the monitors. The live feed from the studio had gone black, but the camera outside was still recording. On it she could see the snarling face of a jagged-toothed demon appear from off-camera. Then she saw its jaws gape wide and the video feed was no more.
Jane waited in terror for what seemed like an eternity, hoping against all hope that the beast would go away. But it didn’t.
The van began to rock as the creature attacked it, trying to get at the prize inside. Jane Hamilton cowered in the rear of the vehicle, knowing it was only a matter of minutes until she joined the recent death toll.
A-Z of Surviving a Horror Movie
A
Attractive - In the real world, being attractive is good, but in a horror film it is a no go. Masked killers and sick psychopaths love nothing more than to hack away at a well-proportioned pair of titties or a perfectly-sculpted booty. So if you find yourself and your friends being stalked by a guy in a hockey mask holding a machete, you need to ensure that you are as plain and unattractive as can be. Plaid shirts and wellington boots could be your only hope of survival.
Arson - When all other attempts to kill the bad guy or monster have failed, resort to fire. It is a well-known fact that 99% of supernatural slashers are vulnerable to flames, and one acceptable plan for survival would be to trap the bad guy inside a building and set light to it. This will ensure that you reach the end of the film alive whilst ambiguously leaving open the possibility that the killer survived to make the sequel. Fire can also work against nightmare-invading child-killers - especially if you find and burn their remains in the real world.
America - Nearly all horror movies take place in the USA, so if you live there, MOVE!
Acid - Acid is affective against all types of killers (even toon-killing maniacs. See Roger Rabbit). It is hard to procure, but there is a moment in every horror movie where one will find themselves in the empty corridors of a high school. It is this time when you should quickly seek out the building's science lab and look for any beakers of smoking, clear liquid marked with a skull and crossbones. Said liquid should then be applied to killer's face ad nauseum...
Side note: the narcotic 'Acid' is not a survival tool and will in fact lead to an imminent death (see later entry DRUGS).
Attic - The attic is useful for several reasons during a horror film. It is a place to hide while the killer stalks the floors below (you should usually be able to find a small hole in the floor to watch at your leisure). When eventually discovered, the attic will allow you to partake in an exciting rooftop chase that starts from an awkwardly shaped window and ends with someone falling to their death (hopefully the killer).
The attic is also useful because you will inevitably find an old dusty chest that contains back story on the killer and potentially objects to destroy them. This chest will also allow you to discover that your Gran knew all about 'everything' from the start but didn't tell you about it because they were blocking it out in an alcohol-fuelled, decades-long bout of denial.
Accidents - Never step backwards into a road whilst arguing with your friends. A bus WILL hit you!
Adults - Adults are absolutely unwilling to believe anything you say concerning masked killers or your impending death, despite the fact that they know all about it really. In fact in many cases the killer is stalking you because of something your parents did, which makes it even more annoying that they won't listen. Do not worry though, because there is a good chance that they will drink themselves stupid in the second half of the film then later meet their deaths in some mad attempt at redemption.
Alleyways - AVOID!
Alaska - Any place that always snows will be plagued by some sort of Vampire. Move immediately if you live in one of these places.
Ally-Oop - This is a manoeuvre in basketball where one player throws the ball in the air whilst their team mate catches it and 'dunks' it in one motion. It will not help you in a horror movie.
Alligators - When flushed down the toilet as unwanted pets, they will roam the sewers reaching unbelievable sizes. If you find yourself underground, encountering an alligator is almost as bad as all the poo.
Animals - You will find most animals in horror films are rabid and dangerous. Except dogs - dogs are heroes. If you want to survive, you may need a dog. You should name him 'Chips'.
Apes - Apes and Monkeys carry zombie diseases. AVOID!
Asimov - If confronted by killer robots, consult the rules of Asimov.
Assistant - If you are an Assistant and you sleep with your boss, YOU WILL DIE. Usually in a way involving office stationary or some sort of Xerox machine.
Asshole - If you are an asshole, it is your obligation to start out by giving everyone else shit, but slowly throughout the course of the film you will become a badass anti-hero that others rely on. You come to realise that your poor childhood is not your fault and that the only way you can change things is by changing yourself. If you are an asshole, you may just live.
Astronaut - Never trust an astronaut. They are not the same as before they went to the moon, becoming somehow different and strange. The patches of scaly skin on their neck is also very unsettling. If you are female they will want to breed with you as soon as possible...
Australians - Australians attract sicko 'outback killers' and giant crocodiles. They are also always 'attractive' (see Attractive). They also carry backpacks which are constantly snagging on things, causing you to stop, turn back, and free them. They are also dangerous at sea as they are the natural diet of sharks. Do not make friends with Australians, they will get you killed.
Axe - An effective weapon against slasher-killers and bug-like alien infestations. The axe is easy to find and makes you look really cool. It can also be used for opening doors and cutting off infected limbs.
-B-
Boats - Boats will not save you. In the event of a zombie attack for instance, escaping by boat will only lead you to a seemingly deserted island that will in fact turn out to be teeming with the undead. Boats are also prone to attacks from both sharks and giant squid (and in rarer instances, the dark lord Cthulhu). Row boats are the most dangerous of all and will often result in you being pulled under the water by the spirits of drowned children.
Bandits - Bandits exist in all horror apocolypses and are dirty, stupid people that enjoy raping above all else. They seem to have no comprehension that the human race is dwindling and go about killing innocent people instead of working together to improve things for all.
Bats - Bats are either Vampires in disguise or carriers of disease. Get a baseball bat and clobber them out of the air!
Babies - In a horror film, there is a chance that a baby will be evil and care should be taken not to climb ladders around them or stray near third-floor windows. In other scenarios, an unborn baby may be the future saviour of humanity and care should be taken to keep these types of foetuses safe.
Billy Crystal - Unknown to him, Billy Crystal is a descendant of a line of ancient shamen. In the event of severe supernatural threats, you should seek out this talented actor and convince him to unleash the powerful white magic that has always existed inside of him. Billy Crystal could save us all!
Bomb - A bomb can be used to wipe out aliens, monsters, and assorted critters. For instance, sticks of dynamite can be tied to remote controlled cars and used to attract and destroy giant underground worms.
Biscuits - Biscuits can't help you. They do, however, go great with a cup of tea. Yum!
Bandana - A bandana will instantly make you an expert in all firearms and survival techniques. This piece of clothing is a must if you hope to survive.
Bed - Hiding under a bed whilst being stalked by a killer is a bad idea; although the mattress can be stripped and thrown from an upstairs window, allowing you to jump out and use it as a crash mat.
Black Guy - Typically the first to die, so get away from him, or alternatively keep him near to act as a kill-buffer.
Bars - Before entering a bar, please ensure that it is Vampire-free. This can be achieved by cutting your hand and seeing if any of the other patrons begin to drool over your blood. Alternatively, you could just visit the bar during daylight hours.
Boxing - Any attempt to 'box' a serial killer will end badly. After taking several blows and staggering backwards, the killer will enevitably shake off the attack and kill you. See Nightmare on Elm Street 3 or Friday the 13th 8 for examples.
Be right back - Never say this!
Beer - Beer make man strong.
Brogues - A sensible pair of shoes is vital in all horror scenarios. Invest in your feet today and they will pay you back later.
Budgets - Budgets are used by Governments and are usually the reason that huge threats get ignored. The bottom line is more important than properly investigating a little virus outbreak in Chicago.
-C-
Cannon - A cannon would be an ideal weapon in a horror movie situation if your target was to remain still and in front of you. If you come up against a somewhat less co-operative killer then a cannon is perhaps not your best option.
Cars - Cars are great for going on the run or occasionally for mowing down masked psychopaths and other two legged monsters. There is a chance however that the car itself is the monster, possessed by an evil entity intent on killing you...so check the vehicle's history before getting behind the wheel.
Chains - If your boyfriend has a cellar with lots of chains on the wall, RUN! If your girlfriend has a cellar with lots of chains on the wall, she's a keeper!
Cellar - See above.
Crystals - Multi-coloured crystals are very pretty, but pretty much useless unless you have a new-age witch on hand; so if you find crystals just ignore them, or find yourself a new-age witch!
Carrier - A carrier is someone that is infected with a disease (usually zombie flu) and they can be identified by sweating, coughing, and a pasty complexion. They usually spend half the film trying to hide a nasty, infected wound from the rest of the group, before finally going batshit crazy and trying to eat people. To prevent this, everyone in your group of survivors should be naked at all times. Sexy Parties are optional.
Cabin - If you go to a cabin there is a good chance you will die! On the other hand they make great venues for a relaxing weekend vacation, so the risk may be worth it. Just check the nearby area for ancient burial plots first. And take enough bed linen, you don't want to get a chill.
Canada - Canadians have banned all violence, and even rudeness of any kind, so a horror movie situation is unlikely to occur there. If possible we should all relocate to Canada and spend our retirement watching back-to-back episodes of 'Due South'.
Castle - If you get invited to stay the night at an old, rundown castle then you should respectfully decline. Likewise, if a distant relative dies and leaves you a property in their will then you should sell it on immediately. If however you have the means to build your own castle then this would be a wonderful asset during a zombie apocalypse. A well-dug moat could keep you safe for years.
Colt - Whether a horse or a gun, a Colt is useful to have. Just make sure you know which one you have. A horse will not appreciate you trying to loads bullets into it and a gun will not be happy being kept in a stable.
Chocolate - A little known fact is that the accomplished spree killer, Michael Myers, is a fanatic for chocolate. In fact he will happily spare you for a Cadbury Cream Egg or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Bear that in mind when Halloween 36 hits the cinemas later this year.
Cats - A 'black' cat = Evil! Other types of cats = Evil. All cats are Evil!
Cricket Bat - The modern and fashionable way to cave zombie's heads in. If you go to war with anything else then you are just not cool, sir.
Christmas Carols - If you turn up at my door singing 'Old King Wenceslas' then I will kill you!
Corporations - Corporations create monsters, mutants, deadly viruses, and Coke Cola. All of these things are evil. If you work nine to five for a large multi-faceted business then you may be contributing to our eventual extinction. How could you!
Christianity - Christians are great when coming up against the devil. They will give you time to run away while they attempt to teach Lucifer the error of his ways. The bible can also be used effectively as a bludgeoning weapon, or you can use it to stand on and reach high places.
Coven - A coven is a social club for broody lesbians. If you are stuck in a horror movie and need help, you can ask a coven to provide a backing soundtrack for you. They will happily chant incantations while you take it to the bad guy. This won't really provide you with much assistance, but will at least set the right atmosphere.
City - A city is a breeding ground for serial killers, zombie attacks, and alien assaults. Move to the countryside now!
Countryside - The countryside is a breeding ground for serial killers, zombie attacks, and alien assaults. Move to the city now!
-D-
Dogs - When not rabid, dogs are heroic creatures that will die trying to save you towads the end of the film.
Drugs - If you do drugs then you will die. Not because of the damage they do to your internal organs but because of the fact that a homicidal maniac can smell a junkie a mile off. (See Taryn White in Nightmare on Elm Street 3). The smell of marijuana is like catnip to a killer.
Dragons - Dragons are huge beasts that all talk like Shawn Connery. They exist in deep underground caves in Wales and, if you unleash them upon the earth, you will have to get a young Christian Bale to save you.
Dagon - An evil demi-god that smells of fish. If you live near the sea then there is always a chance that you will encounter Dagon, or one of his minions. In such situations, you should reduce him to tears by explaing the current over-fishing crisis that affect many regions of the world. Together you can then join Greenpeace and fight for a better world (Or have golf balls hit at you by an angry Bruce Willis on an oil rig).
Denmark - A great place for bacon.
Darth Vader - Should you find Darth Vader wandering around in a horror movie, please direct him to the Science Fiction department. With his large mask and helmet, he has a tendency to get lost. Please ensure that he also takes his asthma medication.
Danny DeVito - This diminutive actor is not all that he seems. In fact he is a secret ambassador from the planet Zog. His regular reports on humanity and its exploits will later determine our fates in the wider universe.
Demons - Ugly creatures that like to insert themselves inside little girls...Gary Glitter is a demon and can be identified by his pointed beard and propensity for glittery pants. Demons are also big fans of obscenity and green vomit. It was once thought that George W. Bush jr was a demon, hell-bent on destroying the earth, but it was later determined that he lacked appropriate intelligence.
Derp - See George W. Bush jr.
Derpette - See Sarah Palin
Danger Signs - In horror movies, it is a requirement that all danger signs be erected amongst large, overgrown foliage where they cannot be easily seen. Alternatively they can be written in a foreign language.
Dinosaur - If an island is deserted for long enough, it will attract Mad Scientists that wish to populate it with prehistoric creatures. These creatures will eat you, even if you manage to hide in a poorly-built toilet cubicle. You can spot the presence of Dinosaurs by huge mounds of poo or by anyone that claims to be a palaeontologist.
Dracula - Like all foreigners, Dracula likes to take our women. Whether he will later move on to take our jobs is unknown. If you encounter a man with a slick-backed hairdo from t
he 20s, then you may be in danger of a vampire attack. If said man lives in a large Romanian Castle then you can be sure of it. One has to wonder if the undead have to pay property taxes.
Dinner - Never agree to eat dinner at the home of strangers, especially if they live in the middle of nowhere. There is every chance that you will be eating the remains of your friend that mysteriously went missing earlier on.
Dead Body - Never lean close to a dead body. If it is a zombie, it will bite you. If it's not then it will just smell really bad.
Diamond Mines - If Tim Curry approaches you to help him find the lost city of Zinj then you should walk away slowly before turning to run whilst shouting 'Congo sucked, you were better in IT.
Thrillobytes: bite-sized horror Page 9