“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve just been busy.”
“But you didn’t answer my texts even before I fell off the wagon.”
I frown. “What do you mean you fell off the wagon?”
“I’m trying to get sober and last night was a huge fail. I didn’t even last a week.” There’s a bitterness in his tone I’ve never heard before.
“Oh, FC, I’m so sorry.” And the guilt swallows me whole for feeling the way I did last night. “Try again. Maybe go to meetings.”
“Idaline?”
I twist to see Justin walking out of my bedroom with his shorts he wore yesterday hanging on his hips. “I’m just talking to FC.”
“Who is that?” FC asks.
Justin raises a brow at me and rests his hand over mine, tilting my phone up where FC can only see my eyes and upward. “Get dressed, Idaline. I’ll start breakfast and keep FC occupied while he waits for you.”
Right. I’m naked. And though FC can’t see me, I should put some clothes on. Glancing at FC, I say, “I’m going to leave you with Justin long enough for me to get dressed, okay? Don’t hang up.”
“I just wanted to check in on you, Idaline,” FC protests.
I shoo Justin and mouth, “Don’t let him hang up.” I quickly disappear to my room and get dressed. My instinct says I shouldn’t leave the two of them alone for too long.
My footsteps are soft on the carpet and I hear FC. “All I’m saying is I don’t know who you are and I don’t care if Idaline thinks the sun shines out of your ass, treat her right or I’ll beat the shit out of you. Idaline deserves the best and if you aren’t going to give that to her, you should walk out and leave her the hell alone.”
“I don’t need you to tell me how to treat my girlfriend. I don’t particularly care for the protective older brother shit either.”
“It’s not older brother shit,” FC fires back. What does that mean? “I didn’t get to beat up the last asshole, but I can already tell, I’d enjoy beating the hell out of you.”
Justin snorts. “Keep on, man, and you won’t even be in Idaline’s life anymore because I’ll make sure of it.”
Okay, they’ve talked enough. I walk into the kitchen. “How’s it going, guys?”
Justin smiles while I hear FC say, “Take the phone and get away from him, so I can talk to you.”
I roll my eyes. “No one likes it when you’re bossy, FC,” I tell him as I pick up the phone. “I won’t be long,” I say to Justin, kissing his cheek before going all the way back to my bedroom for some privacy.
“I don’t like him,” FC declares.
“And you’re basing this on what?” I ask.
“He’s a nosy dick who bosses you around, telling you to get dressed. He might have a jealousy problem too.”
“FC, I was naked.”
“I couldn’t see you!” I give him a pointed look. “Okay, so I saw some cleavage, but after that, I only saw your face.”
I shake my head. “You’re reaching, FC. Justin is a great guy. You’re only cranky because your face hurts, you’re hung over, and you relapsed.” Although, I don’t like how Justin said he’d make sure FC wouldn’t be in my life anymore. I don’t want FC going anywhere.
“And because you haven’t been talking to me,” he adds.
“I’ll fix that and you can sober up again. I’m so proud that you’re trying. Did you quit smoking too?”
“Yeah. That one is easier with the patch.” He frowns for a moment and then his face is stoic again. “You look happy. Doing better?” He points to his head.
“Yes,” I whisper. “I haven’t told Justin yet.”
FC nods. “You should go. Be careful.”
“I will. I’ll be in touch, too. I have missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, Idaline,” he sighs.
He quickly hangs up with me and I’m left staring at a black screen, once again feeling conflicted. I almost feel as if I should have kept him talking for as long as possible. I definitely feel as if I’ll need to keep my phone close by in case he needs someone to talk him off the ledge the next time he’s tempted to drink. He might reach out to me and I don’t want to miss that call.
“Idaline?” I glance up to see Justin standing in the doorway of my room. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Did FC behave while I was getting dressed?”
Justin walks in and climbs onto my bed. “You don’t want to know if I behaved?”
“Well, yeah, but I’ve known FC for twelve years and I feel like I should ask about him first. Out of the two of you, I already know he’s more likely to misbehave.” Although, this is the first time he’s ever spoken to one of my boyfriends.
“We barely talked,” Justin lies. “We just waited for you to get back.” Then, he frowns. “How comfortable are you with him? It didn’t bother you that you were naked while you were talking to him?”
“He couldn’t see anything. And I got so distracted by our conversation that I forgot about it anyway.” I lean over and give him a quick kiss. “Don’t worry. We’re only friends. If it makes you feel better, I’ve only met him in person twice.”
This intrigues Justin. “Breakfast is ready. I made myself at home since you told me to cook. Why don’t we eat and you tell me all about FC?”
Justin made egg sandwiches for us. For some reason, this makes me smile. As we eat, I tell him how my friendship with FC began, that we only first met the other week, and our friendship is almost sacred. Justin eyes me the entire time. He’s listening, I know, but it seems like he doesn’t quite believe me either.
“And you two are friends. You don’t care for him more and he isn’t in love with you?” he asks.
I frown; not because he asked, but because it hurts to think of how I will say I don’t care for him more than a friend and that FC doesn’t love me. That part I’m almost certain of, but I’m not sure at times. Regardless of how we actually feel, or don’t feel, we aren’t together and it doesn’t look as if we ever will be. “He’s my best friend and no, he’s not in love with me. I won’t be hiding my friendship with him; I never have.”
“I know. You proved that last night. You didn’t even hesitate to tell me who was on the phone.”
I shrug. “Guys are weird when it comes to girls having guy friends, and FC isn’t going anywhere. I figure it’s better for me to know now if you’re a jealous kind of guy. I’m over those.” Without thinking, my hand lifts to rub my neck. Sometimes, I still feel Daniel’s hands around my throat. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I’m being suffocated, only to find it’s my own hands clutching my throat.
“Hey.” Justin’s voice is soft as he reaches out to loosely grasp my wrist. “What’s wrong?”
My eyes find his. “You aren’t going to be jealous over FC or any other guy I come in contact with, are you?” I ask.
“Maybe if you look hot and you’re flirting, but only for two and a half seconds. Then I’ll remember you’re with me and I’ll give you an extra long kiss the next time you’re close enough and it’ll be gone. Why are you so worried about this?” His hand flexes over my wrist and inadvertently tightens. His eyes are focused on where my fingers still rub my neck. “Does this have anything to do with why you wore a scarf on our first few dates?”
All I can do is nod. His nose flares with anger, but his grip eases slightly. “Come here, Idaline.” He tugs, I stand, and I sit in his lap, right where he appears to want me. “I won’t promise you much, not right now, but I can and do promise you that I will never harm you physically. You could purposely make me jealous. You could piss me off until I’m madder than I’ve ever been. I still won’t lay a hand on you.”
Not quite sure what to say, only two words manage to slip out. “Thank you.”
Justin shakes his head. “You don’t have to thank me for being a decent human being.” He dips his head, kissing my neck with a kiss so soft and light that I’m not even sure his lips touched my skin. “I hope you don’t mind, b
ut this neck is now my favorite. I’m going to make it yours too.”
I hope so. Maybe then I won’t have those panicky nightmares anymore.
FC: I need to get away for the night to stay sober. Can I crash at your place? You’re closer than my parents. If not, that’s fine. I’ll go to a hotel.
I can hear my grandpa in my head right now, telling me not to let FC come back here. But this is different. FC is reaching out because he needs a safe place to go to stay sober and apparently, he can’t do that with Lila. Grandpa has one strike against him.
The second is that I’m supposed to have a date with Justin tonight. I’ve never had to cancel because of FC before and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I text FC and tell him this.
FC: Either way, you can still go on your date, Idaline. I’ll go to a hotel. That makes more sense anyway and it’s closer. Have fun and text me later.
Well, now I feel like I should have simply told him to come. What if being alone at a hotel is too tempting for him? He might stay at one that has a bar either in the hotel or one nearby. I told him I would be there for him and so far, I’m not doing a good job. I’ve let another week go by without talking to him.
With guilt and a desire to see him, the latter of which I try to ignore, I text FC back.
Me: No. Don’t go there. Come here. I’d love to see you.
FC: Are you sure?
Me: Absolutely positively.
FC: Thanks, Idaline. Be there soon.
It wouldn’t feel right to leave FC here while I go out on a date, not when he needs support to stay sober. With that thought in mind, I call Justin.
“Miss me so much you can’t wait until you see me to talk to me?” Justin says when he answers.
“Yes and no.”
“That doesn’t sound good. What’s going on?”
I take a deep breath. “I need to take a rain check on our date tonight.”
“No, Idaline,” he says with obvious disappointment. “The last two days have sucked for me. I was looking forward to seeing you.”
“I’m sorry. You can still come over.”
“Okay, now I’m confused. If I can come over, why are you canceling?”
“FC really needs me tonight and he’s on his way here. I don’t feel comfortable going out and leaving him here alone. So, you can come over and hang out with us, or accept my rain check.” I hold my breath, waiting to see which way he’ll go and unsure of which way I want him to go.
Justin takes his time thinking about this. “Do you really want me there, Idaline? Would FC? Why exactly is he coming?” Thankfully, there’s only curiosity in that last question. “Why can’t he stay there by himself while you go out with me? You don’t need to cancel on me for him.”
I struggle with whether to divulge this information about FC to Justin. Yes, he’s my boyfriend and we’re having a great time, but FC is on a different level than Justin and I don’t know how FC would feel about me sharing that kind of information with him. I decide to be a bit vague. “He said he needed to get away. It was either here or a hotel because I’m closer than his parents.”
“And you told him to drive an hour to come to you?”
“He’s told me some of what’s going on and he doesn’t need to be alone; that’s why I can’t go out. I was worried about what he’d do if he went to the hotel.”
Justin sighs. “I think I lied. I don’t think I like this friendship of yours.” Before I can process my emotions at what he’s said, he continues with, “But I know this friendship means a lot to you, so I’ll deal. I’m coming over for just a few minutes to see you, and then I’m leaving to let you be a friend.”
I perk up. “You’re coming to see me?”
He laughs. “Yeah. I’ll bring supper for everyone. Anything in particular you want?”
“Surprise me.”
We hang up a moment later. Is it weird to be so excited about seeing two different guys? It’s not the same kind of excited for them both, either. For Justin, I’m relieved and eager for his relaxed personality to fuse into me. For FC, I’m bouncing on my toes, standing by the window, peering out and waiting to see him kind of excited. My soul yearns to be near him, hear his voice in person, and lay my eyes on him.
All I have to do is remember we’re friends and I have a boyfriend. FC and I need to keep a friendly distance. As long as those two things are done, tonight will go smoothly.
Lila wanted sex. I said no.
Lila made me three shots in hopes that if I was drinking, I’d change my mind. When I refused those and got angry at her for making them, she kicked me out.
At that point, I was pissed enough that I wanted those shots. I drove around for a bit before I realized I was parked outside of a bar, my hand reaching for the door handle. Two more seconds and I would’ve opened the door, gone inside, and started drinking. Instead, I texted Idaline and hoped she could be the one to save my soul and that of my baby’s. Because if I don’t say sober, my baby’s soul is as doomed as I feel right now.
I felt like I was doing okay that first week, but ever since I messed up, it’s been harder than ever to ignore the thirst for tequila. If I’m not consistently busy, I’m thinking about tequila. I’m thinking about how good it would taste if a single teeny tiny drop would land on my tongue like falling rain in the spring. But I wouldn’t mind guzzling down a gallon of it either. I’m that damn thirsty for it.
My hands are trembling, my heart is pounding, and I’m tempted to put my car in reverse to leave the parking lot of Idaline’s apartment complex to find the nearest liquor store. But then, I see Idaline on her little front porch in the arms of Justin. Oh yeah, I need some tequila. If I don’t force myself to get out of the car now, that’s exactly what I’ll go get.
My door slams loud enough that they break apart and look my way. Maybe I’m delusional, but Idaline’s eyes light up as she looks me over. She leaves Justin to meet me halfway, throwing her arms around me. I hug her as tight as I can, never wanting to let go.
“Take a deep breath, Fabian Christopher. You’ll be okay,” she whispers.
I laugh at her name guess. “Good try, but nope.” Knowing Justin is standing only a few feet away, I release my hold on her, causing her to do the same.
She shrugs with a smile and faces him. “FC, this is my boyfriend, Justin. Justin,” Idaline links her arm around mine and beams a smile up at me. “This is FC. Now, y’all have officially been introduced. Justin stopped by to see me since I canceled our date, and he brought supper.”
My frown is forced, though my heart dances. “You didn’t have to cancel, Idaline. You don’t need to babysit me.” Although, she might actually need to do that.
“It’s fine.” She pats my arm. “I don’t see you as often and you need a friend tonight.” Her hand falls as she holds it out for Justin. “You can go on in; I’ll be there in a minute. I’m walking Justin to his car.”
I nod and avoid Justin as I walk past him. As I turn to close Idaline’s door once I’m inside the apartment, I catch sight of them again. Justin has a grip on the back of Idaline’s neck as he kisses her temple, her arms around his waist. I still don’t like him, but she seems happy with him. Happier than with others she’s dated. He whispers something and she laughs. I close the door before I can decide to walk right back out of here.
I drop my bag in the chair and fall onto the couch. Never did I expect to be this affected by Idaline and her life. We’re friends. Good friends. And then I had to kiss her and now, everything’s fucked and muddied in my head.
“FC?”
I blink and Idaline stands in front of me. I didn’t even hear her come in. “Yeah?”
“Are you hungry? Justin brought chicken sandwiches.”
“No, not right now. What do you have to drink?” When her eyes widen, I add, “If I wanted alcohol, I would’ve stopped and bought some on my way here, Idaline.”
She laughs. “Right. Want some tea?” When I nod, she hurries to fix me a glass. I take t
he it, thank her, and take a sip as she sits down all the way on the other end of the couch. She sat next to me before. Maybe she’s worried about any closeness now. “How are you feeling?” she asks.
“Like I could really use some tequila right about now.”
Idaline frowns. “Do you know what your triggers are?”
“What?”
“You know, things that make you want to drink. If you know your triggers, you could avoid or get rid of them to help you stay sober.”
I laugh. It’s a hearty laugh without even an ounce of humor. “I couldn’t do that for even half of them if I wanted to.” Lila’s a trigger. Her apartment is a trigger. Idaline with Justin is a trigger. The thought of my future and the weight of how I must do better for this tiny human coming in March is a trigger. I can’t get rid of any of those things unless I decide to walk out on Lila and I can’t do that to my baby. I won’t stop talking to Idaline either, so I’ll deal with her boyfriend.
Idaline walks on her knees over to me and wraps her arms around my neck. “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time, FC. I wish I could do more to help.”
“You do plenty,” I reassure her quietly, lifting up my arm to hug her back. Her presence, whether physically or over the phone, or even in my own mind, helps me get through moments when I’m weak.
Idaline releases me and returns to her seat. There’s a tension between us that I’ve never felt before. I don’t like it at all. It’s not right. It’s not us.
“Should I worry about Grandpa McAllister coming over and kicking me out again?” I ask, hoping it lightens the tension.
I only get a small smile out of her. “No. You don’t have to worry about him.”
We fall back into this awkward silence that’s not helping. “Can we go somewhere? I don’t think I can sit here.”
Idaline jumps up as if she’s so glad we won’t be stuck in this apartment together. “Yes. Justin was planning to take me to the fair, but we’re going another night now. You know I love fairs, so we can go there.”
Hell and a Hard Place Page 7