“Whatever you want is fine.”
“I was thinking of making tacos.” When I nod in agreement, she goes about making dinner. “Now, is there anything you need to talk about? Are you still sober? I’m really proud of you, by the way.” She sets down her ingredients and walks over to hug me again. “You deserve another hug and a pat on the back for that.” I chuckle as she pats me on the back as well.
“You didn’t give me a chance to confirm,” I point out as she gets back to cooking.
“I can tell by looking at you and how you’re talking. Not to say you aren’t still wound tight, but you have a different look about you.”
“Talk to me about you.” I’m over talking about me already.
Idaline sighs. “We finally switched out my medications about a month ago and that’s been an adjustment. I was having a hard time sleeping before, right? Well, now, I’m overly tired, but not so much so that I’m willing to change the meds yet. And when my anxiety hits, I might not have a full-blown panic attack, but it exhausts me. I worry Justin will break up with me soon, even though he seems to understand, but if I have a panic attack right before we meet up or while I’m with him, I end up needing a nap because I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted.”
“That doesn’t really sound like your medications are working, Idaline.”
“They are, though,” she insists. “I think I just need a little more time to adjust.”
“When do you go back to your psychiatrist?” The only reason I know anything about this shit is because of her. I’ve learned through her and sometimes, I look stuff up.
“In three weeks.”
“If it doesn’t sort itself out by then, you might need another change.”
“I know,” she replies quietly. Idaline takes a deep breath. “I feel a little better after talking with you, even just that bit.”
I tilt my head as I watch her cook the meat. “Why exactly?”
“Because Justin doesn’t really ask questions or respond to anything I say about it. It’s infuriating, sometimes. He either stays quiet and nods his head while I talk or he says something about it being my mind and I know it better than him, so he shouldn’t have any influence. Sure, he might have a point, but it wouldn’t hurt for him to have a conversation with me. If you can do it, I don’t understand why he can’t. I don’t even bring it up to him anymore if I don’t absolutely have to because it’s pointless.”
“Things are still going well between the two of you, aren’t they?”
She nods. “It’s been almost four months and this is the biggest bump in the road we’ve had. Not one argument yet.”
That seems unnatural. I might not be in the best relationship, but not even one argument? That doesn’t make sense to me. How is it possible? A soul-crushing thought hits me. Maybe that means Justin is her soulmate. That thought makes me want to puke and drink an entire bottle of tequila.
“Do you think y’all will be together for a long time?”
This question? Idaline doesn’t answer right away. She’s quiet for so long that I’m about to repeat my question, thinking she didn’t hear me, when she answers, “I don’t know.” It almost seems as if she wants to add more to her statement, but she doesn’t. “Let’s eat, Farlain Cadmus.”
I laugh, enjoying that she’s straying from common names. But she still won’t guess mine.
“Do you think you’ll be with Lila for a long time?” I ask.
“No,” FC immediately answers before stuffing half his taco into his mouth.
My frown is prominent and I’m so confused. If he already knows this, then why are they still together? He seems pretty certain to me. How else could he answer so quickly? FC looks like he hopes this is the end of this discussion, but I can’t hold the question back. “If you know that now, why don’t you leave her?”
His sigh is just as quick as his no was. “It’s complicated.” How is on the tip of my tongue, but FC reaches out and cups my face, causing me to suck in a breath. “Please don’t ask.” A tortured look fills his eyes. “I promise that one day, I don’t know when, but one day, I’ll tell you why.”
I’m certain he’s not happy about making this promise to me, but he didn’t have to do it. He could’ve simply asked me not to ask, and I think I could’ve lived with it. I am happy he made the promise, though. FC withdraws his hand when I nod my acceptance. My chest aches as if my soul protests and leaves me to reach out to FC. I shake my head to get rid of those thoughts. If FC’s my soulmate, I’m probably screwed because my hope for something more constantly dwindles.
“Tell me a secret,” FC requests, obviously wanting to steer the conversation away from his relationship yet again.
We eat in silence for a few minutes while I try to think of something I’ve yet to tell him. When something comes to me, I second-guess telling him because it’s slightly embarrassing. But this is FC; I can tell him anything.
“Okay. So, when I’m looking up names to try and guess yours, I look up other names too. I write down my favorites, just in case I need them one day.”
FC watches me for a moment and then he says, “Let me see.”
I get up and find the same notebook where I keep track of the failed FC names. In the very back are my list of favorites. I turn to the first page of those names and hand it over to FC. There’s a faint smile on his face as he analyzes the names, turning the pages every so often.
“You have a good list here.”
“Really?” It’s not until this very moment that I realize I was waiting for his approval.
“Yeah.”
“Do you have a favorite from the list?” I ask curiously.
He nods. “Sawyer and Nash.”
Oh, those are some of my favorites. Okay, so all the ones on the list are favorites, but it makes my heart extra happy that he found some he likes too. A smile easily rests on my lips as we finish eating. I tidy up a little bit, but cleaning can wait until later.
“Make yourself at home, FC. I’m going to shower and change into my pajamas unless you want to go out somewhere tonight?”
FC shakes his head. “I’m good with relaxing here.”
With that, I leave him in the living room while I take a shower. When I rejoin him twenty minutes later, FC paces in my living room.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, startling him as he whirls to face me.
He shrugs, turning away. “Got a call from Lila. We’re just arguing.”
Before I took my shower, FC was nearly relaxed. Now? He’s like a caged animal with tension rolling off him in waves and suffocating all the air in my apartment. His arms are stiff by his sides, his fists clench and unclench as if he’s dying to hit something. FC suddenly turns to face me and he stalks toward me like I’m his prey. My heart trips and for a brief second, I’m frightened.
“You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?” he asks when we’re nearly nose to nose.
“No,” I manage to breathe.
“Why the fuck are we even friends?” What? “Why am I good enough to be your friend, Idaline? Tell me how I deserve you.”
Where is this coming from? Why in the word is he questioning our friendship and why he deserves me? My first reaction is to hug FC. Because he needs it. He needs to feel my comfort and friendship and love for him. He doesn’t reciprocate at first, but after a moment, his arms close around my body like an industrial lock clicking into place.
“We’re friends because you’re the most dependable person I know. You’re always there for me, FC. You make me laugh, you cheer me up, and you pick up me when I’m down at my worst. You’re sweet. You have the greatest smile. And you have a big heart. You’re a fantastic friend and you deserve the best in the world.”
“When it sinks in, I’ll let you go,” he whispers.
“However long you need,” I whisper back as my front door opens. Justin walks in, confusion on his face when he sees us. I hold up one finger to stop him from announcing his presence. FC needs this right now more th
an he needs to be disrupted. “Best friend I’ve ever had even when we were young and stupid,” I whisper so quietly that Justin won’t hear.
FC chuckles. “You were never stupid, Idaline.” He pulls away only to cup my face. “Thank you.”
I pointedly look over by the door and FC frowns. “Hey, Justin.” FC slowly drops his hands to face our guest. “I thought you weren’t getting back from vacation until tomorrow.”
He shakes his head. “No, it’s today. Can we talk outside?”
“Sure.” I squeeze FC’s hand. “Try to relax and maybe don’t answer any more calls.” He gives me a smile and nods. I follow Justin outside. “I’m sorry. I honestly thought you were coming home tomorrow, and I planned to tell you FC’s here when we talked later tonight.” He seems upset, so I figured I might as well get all of that out now.
He studies me for a moment before a hard exhale leaves him. “I worry you two are too close,” he admits. “He looked like he was about to kiss you.”
I shake my head, not because he wasn’t, but because if he had, it would’ve been a kiss to the cheek or forehead. I feel that truth in my bones. “He’s going through a rough patch; you know that’s the only time FC comes to see me.”
“And you’re the only one who can help him through it?” he asks as skepticism heavily laces his voice. “You realize how crazy and bad that is?”
“He comes here as an escape,” I correct. I don’t understand why it’s bad that I’m FC’s best friend. Sure, I can understand why it would make Justin uncomfortable, but I’ve been upfront with him since the beginning, so he should trust me.
Justin folds his arms over his chest. “What did you do when you saw FC?”
“What?”
“When you saw him, how did you greet him?”
I shrug as I answer, not sure what this has to do with anything. “I ran over and gave him a hug.”
Justin shakes his head. “You don’t see the problem with that?”
“I don’t understand what the big deal is. I haven’t seen him for months.”
“I’m your boyfriend, I was gone for a week, and I haven’t gotten a hug or a kiss yet. In fact, you made me wait until you were done hugging FC to even acknowledge me,” he points out.
“That’s different.”
“How?” he demands to know. “How the fuck is that different, Idaline?”
As the answer hits me, I realize I probably shouldn’t give it to him. The reason FC gets such a happy greeting is because I’m ecstatic to see him. My heart nearly leaps out of my chest. That’s probably because I don’t see him all that often. I don’t get that kind of feeling when I see Justin. I am happy to see him, but not nearly to the same extent as with FC, even after Justin’s been gone for a week. I decide to settle on the partial truth. “I don’t see FC that often. I’m lucky to see him when I do because I never know when I’ll see him again. You’re more reliable. I always know when I’ll see you.”
“Except for today apparently,” he snaps.
FC pokes his head out the door, his eyes firmly on mine. “Should I leave?” His eyes beg me to say no, but it’s almost as if he’s fully prepared for me to say yes.
“No, you’re fine. Find something for us to watch on TV. We’re almost done.”
He nods and closes the door.
“Can we talk about this another time, Justin? When FC isn’t inside and when I don’t have to stand outside in my pajamas?”
He sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, Idaline,” he says as he hugs me. “I was just really looking forward to seeing you.”
“We’ll do something tomorrow,” I promise.
Justin gives me a kiss and soon, I’m back inside with FC. I sit down and FC wraps an arm around my shoulders, tugging me toward him a little.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I think he’s more upset that I didn’t remember he was coming home.” That’s unlikely, but it’s better than telling FC we were indeed talking about him.
“Where was he again?”
“Gone on vacation with his family to the mountains. He invited me, but I didn’t feel ready for that.”
FC nods. “You don’t want to go spend time with him at his place? I don’t mind being left alone, Idaline.”
I rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m not leaving you.”
He pulls me tighter even as he says, “You probably should.”
I ignore him. There’s not much that would cause me to walk away from him while he’s here, and the only thing that would is a family emergency. I don’t even have to go deep down in the depths of my soul to know that he needs me more, even if it’s my mere presence. It’s like he needs some major healing and I’m the one to heal him.
I wish I knew what was hurting him, though. Whatever it is, he doesn’t deserve it. But what is his reason for not telling me? Does he think I can’t handle it? That I can’t help him? Or maybe it has more to do with him than me?
“Idaline?”
“Yeah?” I lift my head to look at FC.
“Thanks for letting me come. I would’ve relapsed if you wouldn’t have let me.”
“You don’t know that,” I argue.
He nods, a grim look on his face. “I do. It was already made up in my mind because I didn’t think I had the strength to get through the night without it. Hell, even when I got here, I had to distract myself to keep from searching for it.” FC looks away, leaning his head on the back of the couch. “It’s easier to deal while being here with you, but I still wouldn’t mind getting shitfaced until I couldn’t remember my own name, much less anything else going on.” His sigh is so heavy and there’s something heartbreaking about it.
“Did you ever consider counseling?” He hasn’t mentioned it since we first talked about it.
“I don’t want to do it.” His voice is hard and closed off enough that I don’t follow up with any questions. I rest my head on his shoulder again, letting the quiet seep into the hard edges that have appeared. FC’s tense muscles ever so slowly give and unwind as he relaxes. He leans his head against mine as his breathing begins to even. “I haven’t been able to relax since the last time I was here.” He pauses. “Feels good, Idaline.”
He’s thinking about how good it is to relax here, my apartment his apparent safe haven, while I’m over here being a horrible human and thinking how good it feels to be next to him like this. His arm around me, our heads close together, and our bodies only inches apart.
It’s a good thing FC doesn’t come around that often. I don’t think it would be beneficial to my relationship with Justin. Visits from FC always muddy my thoughts and confuse my heart. I’ve been trying my damnedest to go all in, head first with Justin. Whenever FC is around, it’s not only hard to remember that, but it’s as if no one else exists in the world. It’s dangerous, which means my grandpa was right to give me that advice, even though I won’t ever listen to him.
FC and I are friends. I know this. My brain knows this. My heart tries to accept it. My soul, however, downright refuses to accept that fact. My soul sees FC and it might as well leave my body to chase after him and his soul. I keep waiting for my soul to detach itself from FC’s and to see the good man I have in front of me: Justin.
Justin who is nice and sweet and who over the course of four months, I’ve only had now two arguments with. Justin with whom things are easy and uncomplicated. Justin, a person who I actually have a chance with and who I like.
Justin texts, asking what we’re doing, and he surprises me by asking if I know what’s going on with FC. When I say I don’t, only that it’s something with his girlfriend, Justin goes off a little bit. He rants in a text that it’s a little suspicious that FC won’t tell me, his supposed best friend, his problems, and how he shouldn’t be leaving his girlfriend to see another girl, even if it is just a friend. And then, he goes on to say he’s certain FC has feelings for me. Once again, I’m getting the advice to stop letting him come over to my house.
I glance over at a now-a
sleep FC, wondering if there’s any truth to Justin’s claims, but knowing it doesn’t matter if there is. With a quiet sigh, I ease away from him to move to a nearby chair with my phone in hand to text Justin back.
Me: I’m sorry about FC, okay? I don’t want to tell him he can’t come and have something bad happen. I wouldn’t be able to handle that.
Justin: What would possibly happen? I don’t understand why you’re so concerned. I’m telling you he doesn’t need to come over anymore, Idaline.
Me: Why? All he does is come, hang out, and sleep on the couch. And he needs a safe place to go. I won’t take that from him. He’s a recovering alcoholic, okay? I’m closer than his parents. If he’s close to relapsing and his girlfriend isn’t any help, I’m not turning him away. I don’t like arguing with you. Will you just please come over? FC’s asleep.
Between arguing with him about FC and thinking about what he said, I’d feel better if I could just see him and reassure myself that things are okay. I need to get it out of my head that one day, at some point in my future, I’ll end up with FC. It won’t happen. Other than that mistake of a kiss when he was obviously just looking for an escape, he’s shown no interest in me. We’re both in relationships and I need to put all of my focus and energy into mine.
Me: Please come over? I want to sleep in your arms tonight.
Justin: I’ll be there shortly.
I relax at reading his text and look over at FC. Things will be okay—for both of us.
When I wake up, there’s a blanket lying over me. I reach for my phone and turn off the alarm. After stretching and folding up my blanket, I slip on my shoes and head for Idaline’s room. She’s always insistent about me saying goodbye, even at these ungodly hours in the mornings when she should use this time to continue with uninterrupted sleep.
I stop short in the doorway because there’s clearly someone in bed with her. It’s like a punch in the gut. She must have called Justin over, probably to make up from their argument. I definitely don’t want to risk waking him up or to upset him because I came into her room or whatever other way I could cross a line. Halfway down the hallway, I turn back around. Fuck it. Idaline wants me to say goodbye and that’s what I’m going to do.
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