“You know this song, I’m pretty certain.” He chuckled.
“Victoria?” The announcer asked again. “You in here?”
She swallowed every ounce of pride she had, stood, and flipped open her cane, drawing a few whispers from the crowd. “Well, you gonna at least help me to the stage?”
“Of course.” Scott’s chair scraped across the floor and he looped his arm with hers, weaving her in and out of the tables. He plopped her butt on the stool and handed her the mic as she rested her cane over her shoulder.
Scott released her hold just as the announcer whispered in her ear, “I Touch Myself by the Divinyls?” The man’s inflection showcased surprised amusement.
Of course. Snarky, fucking bastard.
She was gonna kill Scott for this.
She dug her nails into Scott’s arm, pulling him back. “Oh no, my muse for this song is staying up here,” she bedroom-whispered into the mic. That one earned a few chuckles from the crowd, which was a nice icebreaker.
She cleared her throat and began singing the first line of the song after the boom-boom-boom of the electric guitar opening riff played. “I love myself… I want you to love me…”
Finally, as the crowd realized what song it was, she got some cheers, whistles and hollers. She smirked. Ok, maybe she could do this. She was pissed as hell at Scott, but she was going to own every lyric of this fucking song.
There were a few times she got stuck and Scott whispered the lyrics in her ear. She couldn’t help the heat flushing her cheeks when that happened. It was positively humiliating, but the crowd didn’t seem to mind one bit. They especially loved it when she reached over and grabbed his junk, giving it a tug. He jolted next to her.
Soon, she was at the bridge. She just wanted this over with.
“I want you,” she sang, and Scott leaned in and echoed her after each portion of the bridge. “I don’t want anyone else…” they continued on and when she got to the sultry moan she gave that OOOOH everything she had in her, grabbing herself to boot. Why the fuck not? She was all in at this juncture and the crowd was going wild at this point. If she wasn’t so damn nervous she may have actually enjoyed it. Instead, she teetered somewhere between pride and complete humiliation.
She finished and dropped the mic with a thud and it reverberated and screeched through the entire bar as the crowd cheered. Immediately, she snagged Scott’s arm and he pulled her off the stage.
“That was great, baby.” He laughed as he weaved her back to their seats.
Her cheeks were blazing as she sat down. “I want to leave,” she spat. “Now!”
“Why are you so pissed, Blondie? Hell, that was hot as fuck!” Blaze patted her on the back. “The crowd loved you!”
“I just…” tears stung her eyes. She didn’t know why she was so upset. Blaze was right; the crowd enjoyed it. So why couldn’t she? “I just want to go.”
Scott cleared his throat next to her. “Ok, fine. I need to pay our tab and take a piss.”
“Go piss. I’ll handle the fucking tab.” She turned to Presley. “Presley, can you flag down the waitress?”
“Sure.”
The server came up and asked Presley if they wanted another round, not her.
“No, we’re good.”
“Ok, well here is your check.” He’d obviously handed it to Presley, since it wasn’t in her palms.
“Every damn time.” Tori cleared her throat and crossed her arms over her chest. “How much?”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got it, Tori.”
“How much, I said!”
“Sorry… I…” Presley stammered and rattled off the amount.
Tori pulled the cash out of her wallet, held it out to Presley, then rubbed her throbbing temples. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I get so frustrated with how people treat me, either like I’m too inept to handle something as simple as paying the tab, or they go out of their way and bend over backwards because they feel sorry for me. When I want to do something, I’ll do it. When I need help, I’ll swallow my damn pride and ask. I only want to be treated like everyone else.” Tori sighed. “Which is exactly why I didn’t want to get my ass up there.”
“Seems like a double standard to me. You threw his hat in the ring,” Presley pointed out. “You say that you want people to treat you normal; that’s exactly what Scott’s trying to do.”
Tori huffed like a bull through her nose. Presley had a valid point. As much as she longed for normalcy, it wasn’t ever going to be in the cards for her.
Getting up there and trying to sing when she couldn’t remember all the lyrics, nor read them, was yet another reminder of something she could no longer do. She couldn’t read, she couldn’t have babies, and she couldn’t leave this bar to be alone for a moment without clinging to Scott’s side.
Maybe she wasn’t upset with how everyone viewed her, but more upset at how she viewed herself.
“You ready?” Scott’s voice boomed from behind her.
“Yeah. Let’s go.” She stood, grabbing her cane.
Tori was quiet for most of the ride home from the bar. Scott had tried to engage her in conversation and her answers were short nods, mhmms and curt yes or no’s. Finally, he gave up on conversation because frankly, he didn’t feel like talking much himself.
Ok. Maybe going to the hospital to see a newborn baby wasn’t the brightest idea, but it was her idea. He knew full well she suggested seeing the baby only to get his mom off their backs. Telling his mom that Tori may not be able to have kids wasn’t on his agenda for this trip. His mom would be kind, understanding, and loving like always, and pretend it didn’t break her heart. His mom meant well but sometimes she couldn’t leave well enough alone. Telling his folks would lead to questions that even he didn’t have all the answers to.
Also, making her get up and sing wasn’t the next brightest idea. Something about that had obviously rubbed her the wrong way, although he wasn’t sure what. She did great. The crowd ate her up. Tori used to relish a crowd. He missed that fire in her. He was just trying to help her get that spark back.
The hospital was a stupid idea. He figured karaoke would lift her spirits from the baby drama, and that backfired.
Scott pulled into the driveway of his parents’ house and cut off the engine staring at her. “Ok, seriously, are we ever going to talk about it? Or is this something we’re going to brush under the rug, pretending like it’s ok—like everything else that’s happened in the past year?”
“I’m ok.” Tori lifted her chin—and up went her walls.
“I thought we were done pretending everything was ok? You said it yourself last week; you’re far from ok. I get it, the bar was a bad call right after the hospital. But you said it would be fun. I should’ve brought you home to, I dunno, decompress, but how in the hell am I supposed to know what’s going on in your brain? You always say one thing when you mean another.”
Tori reached over and touched his leg. “Scott, I’m fine.”
Scott rubbed his face in frustration. Fine was just another word for ok, which it was obvious she wasn’t. If he was being completely honest with himself, neither was he. “Well maybe I’m not. Did you ever stop to think about that?”
This had to be affecting her more than she was letting on because it was certainly eating at him.
Her face hardened. “I told you—I may not be able to have kids. If that’s a deal breaker for you—”
“Tori, I asked you to marry me! What do you think that tells you about the kids thing?” his voice boomed in the car.
Tori turned her head toward the window and fiddled with the rings on her finger. “That it’s another sacrifice you’re making to be with me,” she mumbled.
“That’s not true and you damn well know it.” Scott took the baseball cap off his head and flung it on the dash, running his fingers through hair that he wanted to rip out in frustration. “Stop being a martyr. I’m a grown man. If I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t. I
don’t know how many times and how many ways I have to say I love you before you get it through your thick skull.” Scott pulled at her chin, tilting it toward him and he softened as soon as he saw the tears welling up in her eyes.
“Even if we never have babies?”
He wiped a tear that trickled down her cheek and leaned his forehead against hers. “Of course.” He still wanted kids, one way or another. Did she feel the same way? “Tori, we need to be able to talk about things like this. You should’ve called me. We were supposed to grieve this together.”
Tori sighed, and Scott could tell she was weighing her words carefully.
“I never thought I wanted kids. Taking care of Jane and having to be mom to her kinda left me jaded and selfish. I spent most of my twenties making up for lost time—to an unhealthy degree.” Tori twirled a strand of hair around her finger. “When I sat there with Keith and waited for him to tell me the pregnancy test results, I was in such a panic, praying it wasn’t positive.” Tori rubbed her temples.
Maybe she doesn’t want kids.
The weight of that hit him heavy. Scott wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he just listened.
“I was in denial for a bit, hoping maybe it wasn’t true. I mean, God, I was barely piecing my life back together. The thought of a child was overwhelming.”
“I wouldn’t have left you alone through that.” He would have been there. Every damn step of the way.
“I know that, I truly do, but I didn’t want you out of obligation. If we made a go of things I wanted it to be because you wanted me for me, not because there was a baby coming. You, being the honorable man you are, would’ve wanted to make an honest woman out of me.” She gave him a wry chuckle. “I was terrified, but something happened in that doctor’s office. I heard that heart beat that was part you and part me. And I felt… joy.” Tori fiddled with her rings again, turning her head to the side as more tears flowed down her cheeks. “Yes, the timing was shit, but I thought for a moment that maybe I did really want this, but…” she choked on the words.
But she lost it.
His eyes clouded. He never knew she heard a heartbeat. A living, beating heart. God, that had to have been agonizing for her. It was hard enough for him to imagine.
He wished she would have called. He wished he could have been there, not just for this, but for everything over the past year. Tori was so private, stubborn, and proud, she always kept him at arm’s length. He hated that she went through all this alone.
He swallowed his pain and spoke. “And now, after it’s all over, how do you feel?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged, her head still turned from his gaze.
Scott tilted her chin toward him again. “Stop hiding from me. Tell me what you want—even if I won’t like it.”
“Part of me was relieved, but this other part of me feels that I, I mean we,” she corrected, “lost something big that day.” She laughed nervously, blinking the tears away. “I can’t get it out of my head that part of me wants a child someday. And then there’s the rational side of me that says how ridiculous I am, and how incredibly challenging it’s going to be for me.” She paused for a moment.
“You’re not one to back down from a challenge. Tori, you have faced blindness so bravely—a hell of a lot better than I would’ve.” His leg had made him bitter enough, he couldn’t even fathom if it had been his vision.
“I still have my days, Scott.” Tori made a sour face. “Today is one that I have to fight to swallow the grief.”
Scott took her trembling hands in his. Scott didn’t want to pressure her, but he had always wanted a family of his own someday. “Listen,” Scott began, “I know we have some issues to deal with in the future, should they arise. The biggest question I need an answer to is: do you ever want to have a baby? Do you see that as part of our future?”
“Of course, I do,” she breathed.
“Ok then, what options do we have?”
Tori went into the long explanation of all her medical issues, how they removed a tube, and the damage that was left.
Scott listened, taking everything in. It wasn’t the greatest news to hear, but it didn’t change how he felt about her. “Ok, so where does that leave us? What does the doctor say?”
“That my best chance is to get off birth control and let nature take its course. Now is my best time, the older I get the more difficult it’s going to be.” Tori grimaced. “I know, sexy, right?” Her lips tightened.
Scott realized what she was asking and that this was a decision she couldn’t make on her own. He thought about it for a long moment. They weren’t married yet, and they had a lot of lost time to make up for, but sometimes life throws you a curve ball and you adjust your plan. “Then let’s do that. Get off birth control and let’s have fun fucking, just like always. We’ll leave it up to chance, whatever happens, happens.”
“But we aren’t married.”
“I don’t care; that’s a piece of paper that makes it legal. You already have my commitment. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But what if I get pregnant?” Tori tugged at her lip.
“Then we have a baby.”
“But what if I don’t get pregnant?”
“Then we keep fucking and adopt someday.”
“Scott, I’m blind, and you—”
“It doesn’t matter. We’ll figure it out—whatever comes our way.” Yeah, as two disabled people they would have an uphill battle trying to adopt. He didn’t give a shit. He’d fight with everything he had in him. Together, they could take on the world.
He watched as her face relaxed, knowing that no matter what, kids or no kids, he was by her side. He wanted her.
“We do fuck really well.” She smiled warmly.
“We sure do.” He leaned in and gave her a deep kiss. “Now let’s head inside. Mom’s peering out the window, being nosy. I can see her wild, red hair poking over the frame.”
Tori laughed. “She’s a riot. I adore her.” She paused for a moment. “Red hair, huh?” Tori seemed surprised at that. “I would’ve never imagined that you had some ginger DNA in you, so you’re telling me it’s possible we could have red-headed babies?”
Scott laughed. “It’s a brownish red naturally. She’s been dying it the brighter wild color for years now. It fits her though. You’ve seen her before.” She saw her from a distance at his Naval graduation—plus Scott had a handful of photos of her online. Tori had to have seen his folks. Hadn’t she?
“Baby, that visual is long gone,” she said flatly—as if he should know that. “My brain only holds onto so much.” She shrugged and climbed out of the car as if that gut-punching news was no big deal.
His stomach twisted. How much more would she forget? He gulped, swallowing his own bitterness, and got out of the car.
Judith watched as Scott and Victoria walked back into the house. She rocked casually in the recliner dressed in pajamas and pretending to read a book. What had they talked about in such deep conversation in the car? She pulled off her reading glasses and studied them.
“Oh hey! How was it?” She asked as if she hadn’t just been watching them from the window. Scott gave a little smirk as he shut the door, almost as if her boy knew the truth. “Please tell me they finally gave that poor child a name?” She placed her book in her lap.
“It was good, Mom.” Scott sat down on the sofa with Victoria. “They decided on Ray—thanks to Tori.” He patted Victoria’s leg.
“Well that’s not bad at all. Lord, I was worried with some of the names they were tossing out earlier today.”
“Like Zane?” Scott laughed and rolled his eyes.
“Oh, Lord, bless.” Judith shook her head in bewilderment.
Scott anxiously ran his hands over his shorts and patted his thighs. “Where’s Dad?”
“He’s out back having one of those stinky cigars Robert passed out earlier today. You should go join him, catch up, let us girls talk.”
Scott looked at Victoria to r
ead her expression.
Such a sweet boy, making sure she’s ok.
Judith could tell he didn’t want to abandon her.
“Go.” Victoria made a motion with her hand, shooing him away. “Catch up.”
“All right.” He kissed her on the cheek.
Judith smiled, watching the two of them. This one was it. She could tell from her son’s adoring gaze. He never took his eyes off that sweet, little thing.
Victoria yawned and stretched.
“Sweetie, take those shoes off and make yourself comfortable. This is home,” Judith said, and meant it. She wanted nothing more than for her to feel like family.
Victoria leaned her head down, and unbuckled the sandals she was wearing, pulling them off. She kept her head down longer than necessary, though, as if she was shielding her face from Judith intentionally. She watched as Victoria swallowed a lump in her throat.
“What’s the trouble, honey?” Judith was growing even more concerned about the long conversation in the car. “You seem blue.”
Victoria lifted her head and turned in Judith’s direction. Her icy blue eyes were glossed over, as if she was holding back a mess of tears. It was obvious she’d been crying from the streaks left in her makeup.
“You all are just really great. You’ve been so warm and welcoming. It’s refreshing.” Tori rested her elbows on her knees. “I grew up… different.” Her shoulders slumped. “I’m glad Scott has you.”
Her heart broke for her. This girl had been through so much. She’d mentioned her father passed away when she was little. Judith sensed that she had a strained relationship with her mother from the way Victoria evaded every question about her family. Lastly, she’d lost her vision. Scott hadn’t told her how yet, and it would be rude to ask.
She stood. “Well, you’ve got us now too.” Judith patted her on the back. “I’m going out back for a drink. Would you like something?”
“Sure, bring me whatever you’re having.” Victoria smiled and curled her feet under her body on the sofa.
Smoke and Mirrors: (Fire and Fury Book Two) Page 11