by Jody Holford
Kate grinned. “I take it back. Maybe you’re not so smart.”
“Hey.”
She rapped him on the chest. “You actually think that after sleeping with you last night, living in your house with you and your daughters and talking about being together, I’d be sitting here talking about dating other guys? Maybe you don’t know me.”
He winced. When she said it like that, his insecurity seemed stupid. But hell, his last relationship had no boundaries and not because he hadn’t wanted them. The mildly wounded tone of Kate’s voice made him ache.
“I know you.” He ran his hand up her back and into her hair, tipping her head down so he could reach her mouth. “I know you. I’m sorry. I just don’t really get where you’re going with the whole ‘I like dating’ thing. I’ll figure something out for the girls so we can go to a movie or dinner or something.”
Kate’s teeth grazed his bottom lip and he would have promised her anything at that moment. “It’s not your turn to talk, Peters.”
He laughed. “Sorry. You were saying?”
Pulling back a bit, she settled her hands on his shoulders and shifted in his lap, making it increasingly difficult to stay focused on her words. On her face. And not the feel of her against him.
“I was saying that I like dating. And I’d very much like you to take me out. For us to go out and do the whole dating thing. I have absolutely no interest in dating anyone other than you—just to set that record straight.”
The muscles around his heart loosened. He nodded. “Noted. Happily.”
She grinned, just one side of her mouth tipping up. “But, the old married couple thing sounds oddly appealing to me. That’s what I was going to say. You date to get to know people, to test the waters and see if you have something that could last. I like this better. I like knowing who you are but not everything. There’s enough I don’t know to keep us going for a long time but enough that I do know that tonight feels…right. Like we don’t have to go through all of the steps just to get here, where it feels good. Does that make any sense?”
He shifted, pulling her face to his. “It makes perfect sense. It should also be said, for the record, that I like it right here too. It feels as close to perfect as anything ever has or could.”
He let his tongue trace her lips, let his hands roam and tighten against her hips. She sighed into his mouth, and he moved his hands back up to hold her face. He took his time kissing her; there were certain areas of the get-to-know-you phase he had no intention of skipping like finding out she liked how he nipped at her collarbone or how she shivered when he ran his fingertips up, over her ribs, across her breasts, and then back up into her hair.
“Elliot.”
He liked hearing his name whispered from her lips and the way her breath caught as she inhaled.
Elliot stood clutching Kate in his arms, and she sighed again. “Jesus. You’re romantic without even trying,” she said, her arms looping around his neck.
Laughing, he walked them through the hushed quiet of the house. “I was going for expedient, but if you want to call it romance, I won’t stop you.”
They’d reached the threshold of both his bedroom door and the leash on his need for her when he heard the tiny voice.
“Why you carrying Kate, Daddy?”
Kate muffled a laugh and tapped his arm. He let her slide down his body, and the sensation was nearly painful. He turned, keeping Kate partially in front of him as he looked down and saw Beth holding her pillow. Her hair was everywhere, and she was still half-asleep.
“Sometimes big girls like to be carried, too,” Kate said, shooting Elliot a wink.
Kate kneeled down in front of him so she was eye level with Beth, and the resulting view made it difficult for Elliot to separate being a dad from being a man. He took a couple of breaths and pulled himself together. He’d never lived with a woman other than Gina, but she was their mom so it had been normal to go to bed with her every night. He had no idea what to say to the girls about falling in love with their nanny, but he didn’t want to sleep away from Kate.
“Daddy’s a good carrier,” Beth said, coming closer.
Kate scooped her up and Beth’s head dropped to her shoulder. “So are you, Kate,” she whispered. Elliot’s heart squeezed like it was being flattened. They were so natural together.
“Thanks, sweetie. How come you’re up?”
“It’s Grace’s turn for the doll, and I can’t sleep without her,” Beth said.
That damn doll. It was a piece of fucking fabric. Like Gina’s sister couldn’t have just gotten two?
“Can I sleep with you, Daddy?”
Kate turned, her eyes meeting Elliot’s. The line between desire and responsibility played tug of war in his heart.
“Of course you can, baby.” He pulled Beth into his own arms, his eyes on Kate’s, hoping she could read the apology in them.
With a soft smile, Kate tipped her head to kiss Beth’s cheek. Elliot held his breath as she went up on tiptoe and did the same to him.
“Sleep well,” Kate said.
Before he could say anything else, not that he knew what to say, Kate walked down the hallway. He saw her turn into the girls’ room first, likely to check on Grace. He stood there, holding Beth and rubbing her back as he watched. Sure enough, Kate stepped back into the hall, stopped when she saw him, and gave a small wave. Then she let herself into her own bedroom and shut the door.
“I’m sleepy, Daddy,” Beth murmured.
He kissed her head and tucked her in beside him. Staring at the ceiling, he listened to the sound of Beth’s deepening breaths. It didn’t matter if he closed his eyes or not, Kate was all he could see. This was part of life with kids: interruptions, detours, and bumps. Kate was the first woman he’d ever looked forward to navigating those with. And the next time she was in his bed, or anywhere near him, he planned to tell her that.
Chapter 13
Kate lugged bags of presents, both wrapped and unwrapped, into her parents’ home. Instrumental Christmas music played softly but other than that, it was peacefully quiet, especially for the Aarons household. When the porch door slammed behind her, her mom appeared in the covered area, an apron wrapped around her full, curvy figure.
At sixty, their mom was still a looker. Both of her parents were attractive and charming. Quirky, with their own deeply set issues that Kate knew they still struggled with at times. But they gave and received love like it was life’s currency and they were rich.
“There’s my girl. Let me take some of that,” Julie said, stepping onto the porch without a second thought.
Hard to believe only a couple years ago, it was a step Julie couldn’t have taken. When she’d returned from Africa, Lucy had finally voiced the concern no one else would admit: their mom had become agoraphobic. Saying it out loud had not only made it real, but it had forced them all to face it, deal with it, and support Julie’s recovery.
“Thanks. No peeking! I still have wrapping to do. You have the house to yourself?”
“I do. Char and Luke are working and your father took Carmen and Mia Christmas shopping.”
Kate put the bags her mother didn’t take onto the floor, tugged off her shoes and winter gear, and followed her mom into the house. The smell of gingerbread surrounded her, making her wistful and hungry at the same time. Setting the bags onto the table, she helped herself to one of the naked gingerbread men cooling on the pan.
“I haven’t frosted them,” Julie said, putting the other bags with the pile.
“They’re better this way,” Kate said, smiling around a large bite. “This is a treat. One-on-one time with you.”
Kate loved her family, but quiet they were not. She rarely got time with just one of them, especially since she’d moved away. Missing people reminded her of getting hurt when she was little—until she realized the pain was there, it didn’t bother her much. But once she noticed, there was little else she could focus on, which meant that regardless of what happened next
, coming home had been the right thing to do.
Julie stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Kate. “A girl never gets too old to need her mom,” Julie said into Kate’s hair. “Thank God.”
The words were a comfort, yet they sliced through her, poking at the nagging worry that she was entering a world of conflict by stepping into a “step-mom” role so quickly. She squeezed her mom back, trying to ignore the little voices piping up that said Kate could never be a substitute for a real mom. Regardless of how flighty Gina was, Beth and Grace loved their mom. Not that Kate wanted to change anything, she just wanted to find her own place.
“You okay?” Julie held her by the shoulders and looked her over with what always felt like a superhuman gaze.
Not much got past her mom. Kate knew her mom was as human as the rest of them, despite her mother’s intuition. She was flawed and dented on the inside, but if anything, it only made her more genuine in her daughters’ eyes. A real role model.
“I’m good.” It was mostly true. Which was why it shocked her as much as her mother when she blurted out the rest. “I hated New York other than the internship. That part was perfect, the rest was not at all. All those things they tell you about the city? They’re all true, but who really needs sushi at three a.m.? And I hated the subways. I never once felt like a local, and more often than not, I was irritated by the crowds and the noise. Not one barista ever learned my name at the Starbucks I went to every single day.” She paused and caught her breath. “And I fell for a married man who I didn’t know was married and I felt…just awful. Disgusted. I’ve never in my life ever thought of being that woman and the moment I realized I was, I walked away. But it’s like it clings to me—knowing I was with another woman’s husband. And I’m over it. I’m over him and New York, and what have I done? I’ve fallen right back down for someone else’s man. I’m a disgusting human being.”
She topped her rant off perfectly by bursting into tears. Her mom pulled her close again, her arms a vice gripping her like the strength of her hug could absorb all of the ache and the hurt, the uncertainty and the feeling of being misplaced.
“We need more than gingerbread for this,” Julie muttered.
She walked away and Kate used the moment to take a few deep breaths.
Julie came back with a festive gift bag.
Kate groaned. “Mom. I love you, but I swear, herbal tea is not going to fix anything inside of me.”
Julie laughed, set the bag on the counter, and got out two tumblers. “I both agree and disagree. But you’re right, this situation calls for more than tea.”
Julie lifted a tissue paper-covered bottle of whiskey out of the bag and held it up for Kate’s inspection. She winked at her daughter and cracked the top. “Thanks to one of your father’s colleagues, I’ve got something a bit stronger. Though I will make you some tea after. I have a new blend.”
Of course she did. Her guru mother, who’d written over a dozen self-help books, had a cure for anything. What she didn’t seem to understand was that she was the cure, not her remedies. It was Julie Aarons and her hard hugs, her quick wit, her no-strings-attached, no-holds-barred, fierce love.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” Kate whispered as Julie passed her a glass with a very generous amount of scotch.
“What on earth for?”
“I feel like I’ve been all over the map. Metaphorically speaking,” Kate added. Her sister Lucy had been all over the literal map before she’d finally come home to stay. Maybe it could work out for Kate too.
“All roads lead you where you’re meant to be,” Julie said, taking a sip of her drink.
“You really believe that?”
“With all my heart. It’s why I’m standing here about to reprimand my youngest for several things and damn grateful I can do that.”
Kate took a large gulp and steeled herself, knowing she deserved the lecture. Her parents had instilled better morals in her than the ones she had on display currently. Gina and Elliot weren’t married but they would always be a family. Hadn’t Kate just learned not to poke holes in the delicate structure of someone else’s life? Goddamn Darby. Yet, here she was, diving in with her eyes open this time.
“Did you know he was married?”
Kate met her mother’s gaze. “No. Absolutely not. The minute I found out, I walked away.”
Julie nodded. “You use him to get anywhere you needed to go?”
Kate gasped. “No.”
“Good.” Julie nodded again. “You want to be here? Home? Or are you just running away? Not saying there’s anything wrong with it if you are, because sometimes it’s what needs to be done.”
“I’m home because I want to be. I would be here either way. I miss you guys, I miss my family, I miss home, and I miss myself.”
Julie’s smile was a hug in itself. “You’re right here, sweetheart. Have been all along. You don’t get to be the person you’re meant to become without some bumps in that proverbial road.”
Kate sat down at the kitchen table and poked through the bag of toys for her nieces. “I guess.”
Julie sat across from her and waited until Kate looked back up. “Not ‘I guess.’ It’s true. This latest bump, Elliot?”
Kate could only nod.
“He’s not anyone else’s except those girls. As long as you can accept them, you’re not doing anything wrong. Stop punishing yourself for following your heart and trusting in people.”
Kate’s tears resurfaced. “My small business loan got approved,” she said. The bank had called as she was loading her car up with shopping bags an hour ago.
Julie grinned, jumped up out of her chair, and threw her arms around Kate’s neck. “Congratulations! All roads, remember?”
Squeezing her mom’s arms, she laughed. “Ever the optimist.”
Julie sat back down and pushed her drink aside. “My darkest moments have sometimes led me to the brightest places. You know that. All three of you girls know that and were right here supporting me when I didn’t think I could handle it.”
“I love you, Mom. You’re amazing.” Julie waited for her to continue. Mother’s intuition again, Kate supposed. “I’m not their mom.”
“No. And you never will be. Doesn’t mean you can’t hold a special place in their lives. And in his.”
Elliot seemed to want it that way and so did Kate. It was such a strange feeling to have all of her walls tumbling down around her, but feel like her feet were firmly planted on the ground. In the midst of the chaos, Kate felt like she was finally finding herself, pulling herself out of the rubble.
She sniffed, took another sip of scotch, and winced. “I need these wrapped. Wanna help?”
“I absolutely do,” Julie said. “Take them into the living room. I’ll put on the kettle for some tea.”
Kate just laughed and did as she was told.
It was easier to wrap the gifts at her parents’ house as she was leaving them there for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. She and Elliot hadn’t talked about either day yet. She knew he was off work thanks to Cam and Mick, two deputies without children who’d volunteered to cover the shifts. She wanted to see Beth and Grace’s faces when they came out to see their stockings and gifts on Christmas morning. But she didn’t want to miss Emma, Mia, or Carmen’s faces either. Lucy and Alex would start their morning with Emma but be over immediately after as Luke and Char were staying at the Aarons’ house through the holidays.
Julie had gently suggested that it wouldn’t change much to add an extra three bodies to the sea of chaos. But Kate had no idea what Elliot envisioned for his girls. She’d missed him during the day. And the girls. They’d spent every day, practically every moment, together since she’d returned. Elliot had today off and had hinted that he and the girls had some secret shopping to do. Since Kate had plenty of her own, she’d left early in the day to get things done.
As she took the turn to his house, she thought about how to tell him her loan had been approved. Maybe tonight, in front of
the fireplace and the Christmas tree. And while they were in the midst of celebrating—she knew he’d be thrilled for her—she’d ask him about spending Christmas with her family.
Maybe she should have texted and asked him about dinner. She could whip something up easily enough. She was thinking about how easy it was to slide into domesticity with him when she pulled up in front of his house. A strange car was in the driveway.
Thinking nothing of it, she grabbed the few purchases she hadn’t wanted to leave at her parents’ place and the doll she’d finally finished for the girls. She was all the way into the house, boots off, when she heard a voice. A voice she didn’t know well enough to recognize because they’d only ever had brief conversations in passing.
Kate stepped into the kitchen to see Gina sitting at the table with two very excited little girls and Elliot. He was leaning against the counter, staring at them.
Her heart sank right down to her stomach like it was being yanked down by an anchor. She felt like she was standing in someone else’s spot. They were a family and Kate was the nanny. A family friend. She must have made a strangled sound while standing in the doorway watching, a funny-looking doll clutched in one hand and the strap of her purse gripped tightly in the other.
“Kate,” Elliot said.
Was it her imagination or did he say her name like he was giving thanks? Both girls shouted her name and came running. They were all about Kate for two seconds before they spotted the doll.
“Is that mine?” Beth asked.
“No. This one is mine,” Grace said. They both looked up at Kate with identical expressions.
Kate’s eyes moved back to Elliot. She couldn’t read his face. She also couldn’t breathe. Was it hot? The air felt thick. Gina stood and walked closer to Elliot. Kate’s throat constricted.
Looking down at Beth and Grace, she worked up a smile. “Go get the other one, okay?”
They both ran to their room, and Gina gave her a small smile.