by Tarisa Marie
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in and swallow hard. I’m about to say I’m sorry when Aiden speaks up again. “I’m sorry that it has to be this way. I’m sorry that I have to leave, and I’m sorry that I have to leave you with a stranger that’s probably going to be an asshat, okay? But this is bigger than you and me. This is big, Megan, really big.” He runs his hand through his tousled hair, stress clear in his expression.
“You’re right, I get it. I mean, I don’t get it obviously, but I know what you’re saying, and I understand what you have to do. I’m sorry, but Aiden look at it this way. In a few months, I’m going to have to make a really big decision, and I’m going to pick death, because I don’t know if I’m strong enough to kill innocent people even if it means that I’m saving even more innocent people in the end. I have months, and you are the only person who even gives a flying fuck about me at all on this planet. Take me with you, please. I can’t spent the last few months of my life alone. I won’t do it.” I say these things as my future comes crashing down on me. I have no future. What is staying with him in hell going to hurt if I’m just going to die in a few months anyways?
“Don’t ever say that you’re not strong enough for something, Megan, ever. If you truly believe that you’re not strong enough, then you won’t be strong enough. I refuse to make any decision for you as I’ve told you before, but I very strongly suggest you don’t come to hell with me. That place will tear you apart. It’s not meant for the faint hearted. I will not make you stay here alone, but just realize that coming with me means that you will forever be changed. You will not be you any longer. You won’t see things the same as before. I will not be the same man. It will all be different. Everything will be different. You would be better off dead than in hell. I can promise you that.”
I clench my jaw and fidget with the bottom of my shirt. Death may be better than going to hell, but call me a coward or wimp, I cannot bring myself to commit suicide, not yet. I am more afraid of the unknown, of death, than I am of hell as stupid and idiotic as that may sound.
“I’m going with you, Aiden, that’s final, you’re all I have, and I’m not ready to end my life just yet,” I explain myself quietly, almost so quietly that I say it in a whisper, but I know he can hear me.
“Think about it some more. I leave in the morning,” Aiden says blankly, as if trying extremely hard to hide his emotions. His stare is empty which causes a feeling of confusion to stir inside of me.
We stare at one another for a few seconds longer, before he turns and heads towards the house, motioning for me to follow him. He walks fast, he normally does this when he’s upset by something. I struggle to keep up to him. His walking speed right now is faster than my running speed. He holds open the door for me, and we find Terry cleaning up the last of the bloody disaster in the house. From the look on his face, it looks like he’s heard our conversation.
“Forgive me, but I overheard, Mr. Aiden, is it true than Lucian has passed?” Terry asks politely, looking mildly nervous or…sad? I recall that Terry used to work as Lucians servant once upon a time before Aiden’s father gifted Terry to him.
I haven’t heard ‘Mr. Aiden’ come out of Terry’s mouth before that’s a new one.
“It is, Terry, I’m sorry. I wish you could’ve found out in a more appropriate way,” Aiden informs him. Terry’s expression drops a little, but he picks it right back up. “Take the rest of the week off. You worked for him for millennia, and I imagine you are feeling the pain of his loss deeply. I will find you when I need you.”
Terry opens his mouth as if to say something, but Aiden cuts him off. “No, Terry, no arguments. I will be fine without you for a week. Take some time off.”
I know that it is very rare for a master to give their servants, guards, or even butlers any time off at all throughout their lives, but I am not surprised by Aiden’s kindness. Terry nods appreciatively. “Thank you, sir.” Then he is out of sight in an instant.
“A millennium?” I ask Aiden. I never would have thought that Terry was so old.
“More than one. Terry is the oldest known living changeling. He’s been at Lucian’s side for as long as anyone knows.”
“I’m sorry about your father,” I tell him then, realizing that I haven’t yet said this. He told me not to say it, but I can’t just not say it.
“I didn’t know him very well, but thank you.”
Aiden picks up a vase from a counter. It’s cracked and broken from the earlier fight in the room. It’s large and a pale green colour with white swirls. “What a pity. My wife made this years ago when we first met. I’m surprised it lasted this long.” A look of sadness crosses his face, but he shakes his head.
“I can try to fix it if you like,” I offer. I used to take a pottery class in high school, and I’m sure that with the right materials, I could fix it or at least make it worth keeping.
Aiden smiles. “No, it’s alright, Megan, but thank you. Sometimes we have to let things go when they’ve had their time. Sometimes it’s not just things we must let go, but people. It’s time I move on from her.” He twirls the vase around in his hand a moment longer, kisses it swiftly, and then gently places it into a trash can beside the entrance to the room.
I suppose that after living for as long as he has, he would have to let people and things go frequently. It would suck outliving the ones you love time and time again. You’d think it would harden a person, but here Aiden stands.
“Have you ever been in love?” Aiden asks me then, surprising me.
“Uh…I don’t know,” I mutter quickly. Have I ever been in love? My heart races, and I’m not sure why. I try to steady my breathing.
He takes a step closer to me and brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear. “You would know if you’ve ever been in love. It’s both the best and worst feeling in life. It’s the best because it brings you the most joy a person can feel, and it’s the worst both because you constantly worry about each other and because one of you is quite likely to pass away before the other. You feel their happiness, but you also feel their pain. And although love causes us all such a great amount of agony, we still time and time again fall in love. Why? Because the good in love always outweighs the bad.” I’m not sure where this speech has come from.
“You say that you’re afraid of death, that you’re not ready for it.” Aiden states.
“Yes,” I answer as if he’s asked me this as a question.
“Have you ever felt so strongly about someone that you’d give your life for them?” he asks me calmly.
I shrug. “Maybe. I might have for Crispen. He risked his life protecting me.”
“You should never give your life because you owe someone, but because you know in your bones that it’s something you have to do. Would you have had to think about giving your life for his?” Aiden asks, rephrasing his question.
“Yes, I think so,” I answer. Why is he making me answer all these questions? I feel like I’m being questioned to the death and these questions are hard. They’re making me think.
“You know what I think?” Aiden asks me but doesn’t give me time to reply. “It’s clear that Crispen loved you, but I think he fell in love with you for all of the wrong reasons. I think he was lonely and even scared. I think it’s because he fell in love with you for all of the wrong reasons, that he fell out of love with you for all of the right reasons.”
“So you think hating me for being part demon is a right reason to fall out of love?”
“No, but I think that your differences far exceed your similarities. You are two completely different people who found each other out of luck and remained friends, because you were both desperate for love and attention,” Aiden explains himself.
The more I think about it, the more I know Aiden is right. When I met Crispen, I was by all means desperate and lonely, and Crispen, well, Aiden could very well be right about him too.
“There’s not one person you’ve ever known that you would’ve be
en willing to give your life for without even thinking about it?” Aiden asks, making eye contact with me.
I think about how I would’ve been willing to give my life to save the guards when Crispen’s crew showed up here the other day. That’s different though, because they were here for me, not the other way around. They were already risking their lives for me. I was just going to make sure they didn’t.
Aiden’s dark irises bring warmth to my body, not just to my body but something inside of my body. I shiver and glance away. He waits for my answer.
I think about his question. I think about my mother and my father and my friends from school who I was never close to. I think about colleagues and bosses and basically everyone that I’ve ever known. I realize that, no, maybe there is no one that I’ve ever felt this way about. Is that bad? Does it make me a terrible person?
I turn to Aiden again and look into his deep, soulless, black eyes. Aiden. If Aiden were in some sort of trouble and my life could save his, would I do it? Would I give my life for his? Yes, I would, and I’m sure he would do the same for me. I swallow hard. What does this tell me? That I love him? No, not after I promised myself that I wouldn’t fall in love with him. No way.
I swallow again, finding that there’s too much saliva in my mouth. A revelation hits me. I’m not going to hell with him, because I’m afraid of death and being sent to live with someone else. I’m going to hell with him, because I don’t think that I can die knowing that I’ll never see him again. I’ve been lying to myself. I’ve been lying to myself for a long time about Aiden. I’ve always known, I just couldn’t admit it. I still don’t know if I want to.
Half of Aiden’s mouth turns up in a smile as if he knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“Is that silence because the answer is yes, or is it because the answer is no?” Aiden asks finally.
“I…I need a minute,” I stutter and turn. I race towards my bedroom and hope he doesn’t follow. I have so much to think about. Is it really possible that I’ve unknowingly and accidentally fallen in love with Aiden? Yes, it’s possible. Now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. It’s why my heart always skips beats while I’m around him, and why I think about him so damn much. I haven’t only been staying here because I feel like I sort of belong here, but because Aiden is here.
Crispen isn’t just pissed with me, because I chose to stay with Aiden. Crispen knows me better than anyone, okay besides maybe Aiden. Crispen is also pissed at me because he knows that I love Aiden who is not only his worst enemy but his brother. I picked Aiden over him. I chose the Aiden, who played a part in my kidnapping, over him. Crispen knew about my feelings for Aiden before even me.
I spring onto my bed and lie on my back, staring up at the white ceiling.
A slight movement of the bed causes me to look to the foot of it. Aiden sits on the end of the bed. “I guess that answers my question,” he murmurs.
Yeah, his sneaky question. Then again, if he’d just asked me if I loved him, I’d probably have denied it, because I wouldn’t have had to think about it.
“For how long?” he asks, a small smile playing at his lips. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s amused or because he’s just happy.
I nervously bite my bottom lip and throw my forearm over my eyes. “Too long apparently.” I’m not sure why, but I’m embarrassed. It’s probably the déjà vu of the situation. The last time I confessed care for someone had been when I accidentally kissed Crispen, even if I didn’t mean it, and I was rejected.
He chuckles softly. “There’s no need to hide or be embarrassed.” The bed moves again. I remove my arm from my eyes so I can see again, knowing that hiding isn’t going to fix anything.
I’m surprised to see Aiden lying next to me on his side, his arm tucked under his head. He’s staring at me as if inspecting me. He does this sometimes, and it makes me wonder what he’s thinking. A chill runs down my spine. We’re no strangers to being physically close whether it be while in training or while lying outside under the stars on evenings.
I don’t understand how I didn’t see this before. These acts weren’t such of merely a deep friendship and nor were they acts of a mentor-trainee bond. Surely Aiden doesn’t act this way around all of his lady friends. I recall the kiss that we shared, even if happened out of a wrong situation. I remember how warm and soft it was. I’ve thought about it many times since. Who am I kidding? This whole time, I’ve known that I’ve been in love with Aiden. I just haven’t been able to admit it to myself, as if admitting it would make it somehow more real.
Aiden licks his lips slightly and rubs them together, like he does sometimes. This movement sends a chill down my spine. The pull towards Aiden that I feel now is far, far stronger than any pull I ever felt towards Crispen. It feels like a cord has somehow strung us together, and I know there’s no escaping this. I’ve finally allowed myself to fully feel the extent of my feelings towards him, and to my surprise, they’re not scary and they don’t feel wrong, in fact, it all feels right.
Aiden beams and something I’ve never seen in his eyes before appears. Is it contentment? Relaxation? Happiness? I can’t tell, but I know that it’s good that he feels this way.
Learning from my past mistakes, I don’t lean in and plant a kiss on him. I just stare at him. There is no way that Aiden could ever in a million years feel the same way about me. He’s a demon for heaven sakes. In my eyes, he’s practically a god. He is the leader of hell and the demons. The thought is just insane. I have fallen in love with the fricken boss of hell. Holy crap on a cracker.
Aiden uses his free hand to fix my necklace so that it’s not on backwards any longer. He picks up the small pendant and pinches it between his thumb and forefinger. It’s a necklace that I bought myself a few years ago. He once asked if there was a story behind it, and I explained to him that no, there was no story behind it, I just bought myself a gift. He found that humorous and asked why I don’t leave gift buying to those who care about me. I went on to explain that no one in my life ever really bought me any presents and that no one really cared enough about me to get me anything. The next day, he came home with a velvet box and had me open it. He told me that he cared enough about me, and a girl should never have to buy their own jewelry. I cried. I cried like a little baby, but I don’t think he realized just how much his gift meant to me. I think that was the day that I really fell in love with Aiden. Not because of the gift by all means, but because he’s cared enough to listen to all of my sob stories and listen to my fears and goals. The gift didn’t have to be the beautiful bracelet he got me that day, it could’ve been a paper origami bird or a cookie. It was the fact that he truly cared for me and my thoughts. No one in my life, not even Crispen, has shown me so much affection, except Aiden.
Aiden’s hand then moves down to my bracelet where he moves the chain around my wrist so that the silver pendant with the word ‘strength’ engraved on it is facing up. He runs his thumb over the word carefully.
I get lost in his eyes. I don’t even know who leans in first, maybe it’s him, or maybe it’s me. It doesn’t matter. In that moment we are one person as our lips meet. This kiss isn’t like the last we shared a few days ago. It’s much more tender and soft, yet it’s urgent. Unlike when I kissed Crispen, neither of us pull away, I don’t think we have the strength to. He pulls me closer to him and our bodies touch. I’ve never felt such a strong connection to anyone, not even close. It makes shivers run through my body and makes my heart pound hard in my chest.
A short, gruff moan escapes his lips as he presses them harder into mine. The sound makes me shiver. I become dizzy and my head woozy. I wonder if this is normal.
The palm of his hand finds the back of my head, and he manages to swiftly pull me on top of him. He pulls back a moment, resting his forehead on mine, eyes closed. His breathing is deep like he’s out of breath. It should take much more than a bit of making out to have a demon lose their breath.
He kisses me one last time,
lighter, and then carefully pushes me off of him.
“I’m sorry that got a little out of hand. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do that,” Aiden pants, opening his eyes.
“Don’t be sorry,” I encourage. The thought that he’s been waiting to do that to me for a long time makes me jittery.
He sits up and uses his fingers to brush his tousled hair back into place. “I must be. I could’ve hurt you if I got too carried away.” That’s right, when demons get all hot and bothered they tend to unintentionally suck out souls. I swallow hard at the thought. What if he did go too far and ended up accidentally turning me into a demon? “I can control myself, I promise.”
A part of me wants for him to not control himself. The other, the more rational part, warns my heart and sex drive to calm the hell down and think this through thoroughly.
We stare up at the roof. “How long have you known?” I ask him, referring to how long he’s known that I’ve had feelings for him.
He doesn’t ask for clarification, he knows what I’m asking. “Since before you knew yourself obviously. I really wasn’t sure, but I began suspecting it a few weeks ago. I have a knack for picking up emotion. It’s not something I can control. It just happens now and again. The emotion has to be strong.” I know he’s talking about a demon ability he has. “I first felt it when we were training, and I landed on top of you. I thought maybe it was just lust, but then I felt it again and again off and on for the last few weeks. Then tonight while we were lying outside in the grass…I just knew.”
I feel a tad embarrassed, but I push it away. Now is not the time for embarrassment.
“When you got out of the vehicle that dropped you off here for the first time, I knew something was different about you. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I was definitely intrigued by you when we first met.” Aiden straightens his clothing. He grins wickedly like he’s never been so happy in his life. Then his smile fades. “I never fell in love until I met my wife, because I didn’t believe that anyone could ever love a demon not even another demon. She didn’t leave me because of her demise. She left me before then, after she found out what I was. She then grew ill and passed afterwards, leaving me my daughter who then later was murdered. Anyone I’ve ever cared about has run from me upon finding out the truth about me. Crispen, Mason, Aria, my wife, my step father and his wife. Even the halflings I’ve mentored all chose death before the end of their training because of the monster I am. Thankfully, my daughter didn’t know what I was or she would have run too, I’m sure. Everyone except you has fled, Megan, and after all that you’ve been through while living with me, after all you’ve learnt about me and what I am, you still are able to care about me. I don’t get it.”