Vanessa.
“Yeah, Connor has a pretty sweet setup. He’s renovated this huge ass cabin outside the city. He seems pretty happy,” he doesn’t look away from the curvy dancer up on stage, she’s doing a handstand and making her ass clap to the beat of the music. It’s impressive, but the big T and A show doesn’t do much for me. Not when I had pure perfection at my fingertips only a day ago.
“That’s great, he deserves a good life,” I answer earnestly. Our old SEAL Lieutenant is a great guy, I should really give him a call sometime. All of us were there the day the IED hit. We all went through it, but Ryan is the only one of us who has gone out of his way to keep in contact. The rest of us all preferred to bury the horrors of war deep inside, and unfortunately, that meant burying friendships with some of the best men I’ve ever known too.
“Yeah man, we all do, right? We did our duty, now it’s time to reap the fucking rewards,” Ryan tosses back another mouthful of his drink, finishing it up. He plops the empty glass down hard and looks around for the server.
“Woah bud, you can slow your roll a bit,” I nod to what must be his seventh empty glass in a little more than two hours, “we’ve got all night.”
“Okay mom,” Ryan laughs, “are you going to tell me I’ve got a fucking curfew too? Huh?” He punches me in the shoulder playfully. “We’re in fucking Vegas! Cut loose, live a little.”
“I am,” I lie. It’s hard to get excited about any of the flashy women or the booze. It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet after eating nothing but exquisite meals from an award- winning chef who cooks just for you. Sure, you’ll get stuffed at the buffet, there might even be a dish or two that aren’t too bad, but it’s all just greasy, cheap food. Nothing compared to the masterpieces you’re used to eating.
Thinking about good food just puts my mind right back on Vanessa. That meal she made the other night was something else. And the dessert, well, that’s something I hope my old age and fading memory never take from me.
“Gabe, you couldn’t be less enthusiastic if you tried. Why are you such a wet blanket man? Is it that girl you were working for?”
“You could say that,” the music changes and a new woman comes out onto the stage just as a server brings Ryan another drink.
“Thanks babe,” he smiles at her, “keep ‘em coming.”
“Sure thing,” she winks at him and checks on me, “you want another?”
“Naw, I’m good thanks,” I wave my hand. Ryan throws a twenty on her tray and she grins.
“Keep the change,” he waves her off.
“Thanks hun.”
Ryan takes a long gulp of his fresh drink and a third of it disappears down his throat.
“Bro, you’re gonna regret drinking like that later,” I warn him.
“Man, don’t worry so much about me, okay? I’ve got it fucking covered,” he snaps at me and actually breaks his endless staring at the girl on stage to give me a pointed look.
“Alright man, whatever,” I back down. I haven’t seen Ryan in forever, lecturing him on drinking isn’t how I want to catch up.
“Besides, it sounds like you’ve got your own shit to worry about,” the tension seems to slide down his shoulders and out of his body as he looks back up at the fiery redhead on stage. “So, if you like this chick so much, why’d you quit?”
“It’s complicated,” I sigh and sip my rum and Coke.
“You fucked her didn’t ya?”
“Yeah, but that’s not why it’s complicated,” I shrug.
“You fall for her?”
I don’t want to answer. I refuse to let myself think about it. “She’s not into me, not in public anyway. She’s cool with me when it’s just us, but when a reporter asked her about me she denied everything. This embarrasses her,” I vaguely wave my hand over my face.
“Did she say that?”
I don’t have a chance to answer because the stripper on stage crawls over to us and points at Ryan. He sits up straight and she flips around, twerking her ass on all fours so he can see her glistening pussy full on.
I look down at my drink, I’m not interested in what she’s doing. I’ve had enough cheap food at this buffet. All I want, all I can think about, is my five-star meal.
I throw the last of my drink back and stand up, “I’ve gotta get out of here man, are you coming?”
Ryan looks at me, then back to the girl on stage, then back at me. For a second I’m pretty sure he’s staying, but he stands up and grimaces as he follows me out of the club.
“Dude, seriously?” He frowns at me.
“Sorry man, I think I’m just hungry. I need to grab some grub,” I lie.
“Gabe, enough of the sad puppy thing, okay? You’re obviously not over this chick, like, at all. Are you sure you’re not overreacting about this whole interview thing?” We stroll down the strip and avoid the people carrying margaritas and the girls wearing booty shorts and tube tops. One has a veil on her head and garter on her thigh. Women who are about to get married must be the rowdiest, dirtiest people on the planet. People always go on about bachelor parties, but the ladies are even crazier.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I didn’t really let her explain,” it occurs to me for the first time.
“Look, why don’t you go back to the hotel and give her a call, or better yet, sober up and go talk to her. I know you’ve been through some shit, Gabe, and I know your fiancé ditching you fucked you up man, but not everything is about your scars. You’re the only one who makes it about them all the time. There’s a lot of people who still see past that shit, even if you can’t,” he claps his hand on my shoulder sloppily and I soak in his words.
They say that honesty comes out of the mouths of children and drunks. Maybe Ryan’s got a point. Do I make everything about the damage I suffered? Am I just damaged?
“I don’t know,” I answer slowly.
“I do. Look, brother, I love ya. You know that, but you and Vegas don’t mix right now. Go see her, talk it out, and hear what she has to say. If it’s about your face, then at least you know, but if it’s not, don’t you want to know that too?” He looks at me with his deep blue eyes.
“What are you gonna do if I go?”
“Have some fucking fun for once,” he laughs. “The waitress at the strip club gave me her number,” he gives me a sly smile. “When she gets off in an hour I’m gonna make sure she keeps getting off all night.”
I think it over, looking around the sidewalk of drunks and people having a great time. He’s right, I’m not enjoying myself here. I feel like a shit friend, but I know what I need to do.
I need to see her.
31|Vanessa
I slowly circle my legs on the elliptical doing the laziest, least effective workout possible as I watch television and talk to Fiona with my hands-free all at the same time. Multi-tasking doesn’t let me focus on the pain, even when I’m explaining everything that happened to my agent.
“So, what you’re saying is Erik fucked this up for you too?” Fiona asks and I nod like she can see me.
“Yup, it’s so messed up. I feel like I’m just lost without him too, like the house seems too empty now. I miss him,” my heart tugs in my chest and I pedal faster, trying to outrun the pain. I know I’m going to regret this late-night chat tomorrow, but it’s not like I can just shut off my mind and go to sleep. My body craves his arms around me now. The bed feels empty without him.
“Do you love him?” Leave it to Fiona to cut right to the quick.
“I, uh, don’t know,” I lie, my heart knows the truth. I never would’ve believed I could fall for someone as quickly as I did for Gabe, but when two souls connect like we did, time doesn’t seem to matter all that much.
Or at least it didn’t. Now every hour without him stretches on like a month. I went from not noticing the days that slid by when he was by my side to being painfully aware of every second without him. It’s so hard to go from living with someone to nothing. I haven’t heard fr
om him since he walked out of here, and time has slowly ticked by ever since.
“You don’t sound that unsure to me,” she presses me but I ignore her.
“You know it’s crazy, but I even miss his dog. Like, right now I can almost hear him barking,” I sigh.
“No, that’s not your imagination Vanessa, I hear a dog barking too,” she laughs at me.
“Oh,” I pull my headset off my ears and tilt my head, sure enough I can hear a dog outside my house somewhere.
Thud-thud-thud!
Wait, is someone at my door? I jump off the elliptical and my heart pounds in my chest, “Fiona, someone is here, I’ve gotta go!” I hang up my cell and rush to the door, “Coming!” I don’t use my sing-songy voice this time. Instead I sound desperate as I race across the floor. I yank the door open and my heart leaps in my throat as I look at Gabe and Axle standing on my front step.
“I’m sorry, I know it’s late,” Gabe runs his hand through his brown hair and looks down at me. “Can we talk?” He looks at me like there’s a chance I might say no.
’There isn’t.
“Yeah, of course. Come in, I was up anyway,” I move out of the way and they walk in as I close the door behind them. I have a million questions that I leave unasked on my tongue. I can see he’s struggling and I don’t want to watch him storm out of here again without hearing me out, so instead of asking him why he didn’t call me or answer my texts, I lead the way to the living room and plop down on the couch.
Gabe sits beside me and Axle lies down on the floor like he’s happy to be back.
I’m happy to have him back. Both of them.
Gabe looks down at his hands and I can smell the faint scent of alcohol. “Have you been drinking?”
“What? No, well, yeah, I was, but that was hours ago. I drove here from Vegas,” he looks tired as he meets my eyes.
“From Vegas? Like Las Vegas?” I look at the time on my phone.
“Is there another one?” His eyes look bleary as he watches me. “I made good time, it only took three hours, what I have to tell you, I didn’t want to do this on the phone,” his lips turn down and I study his face.
“I’m listening,” I put down my phone and ignore the fact that I’m supposed to get up to meet my trainer in less than five hours. I don’t care.
Gabe looks down at the floor and sighs, for a moment, I don’t think he’s going to talk at all. The silence between us is roaring like an ocean breaking in my ears.
“When I was in the SEALs,” his voice is little more than a whisper, but it makes me jump in my seat, “I had a stupid fucking nickname, Gabe the Babe,” he chuckles dryly. “And you know what, I was proud of that name. I wore that shit like a badge of honor because that’s who I was,” he stresses his words. “I was my looks. Period. I was shallow and vain and I didn’t give a fuck because I looked good and everyone knew it,” he balls up his fist and hits his hand wrapping his palm around it.
I slide my fingers over his hands and he looks up at me, like I pulled him from another time. He almost looks surprised to be sitting here. “Gabe, I didn’t mean to say…”
“Let me finish,” his voice creaks, “please.”
I nod and close my mouth, but I don’t move my hand from his.
“So, when this shit happened,” he moves his hand from under mine and sweeps it across his face, “I already told you my fiancé called it quits. And that stung, but it wasn’t the end of my world. It wasn’t until I was fully patched up and I got to go home and see my folks,” his chin quivers slightly and he breathes in a shaky breath. “See, when I was growing up, my mom was always bragging about me. You know, like every mom does, but her big thing was that I was her beautiful boy. She constantly said that, even when I was a teenager and it made me cringe, even before I left for my deployment. Anyway, when I came back she never said it anymore. I wasn’t her beautiful boy, just her broken boy. And it made me realize that if my own mother couldn’t see that in me anymore then it really was gone,” his voice chokes up.
“That’s not true,” I protest, but he holds up his hand and I bite my tongue.
“I was out with a SEAL buddy I served with tonight and he told me something, he said I make everything about my scars. Not other people, but me. And I realized it was true. When I saw you on TMZ denying you and I had anything, the first thing I thought of was that you were ashamed of how I look, because if my own mother couldn’t see any beauty in me anymore, how could you?” Gabe wipes the tears he’s been holding back from the corners of his eyes and looks at the ground.
I scoot closer to him and wrap my arms around him, letting him take the time he needs. Finally, Gabe opens his arms and pulls me into him and I feel like I’m home.
“Gabe, the reason I said that wasn’t because I was ashamed. Not at all,” I find it hard to talk around the lump growing in my throat. “It was because this town has a way of ruining every good thing for me. I didn’t want us to be under that kind of pressure, you know? I didn’t want it to be about them, I wanted you to myself. Just for me. Look at me,” I tenderly cup my hand on the side of his jaw and he looks at me with his red-rimmed eyes. “You are beautiful Gabe. When I look at you, I don’t see scars, I don’t care about them at all. I see you,” tears fall down my cheeks and he swipes his thumb over them.
“Vanessa, I love you,” he leans in until our foreheads are touching.
“I love you too,” I let myself admit the truth finally.
Gabe’s hands slide around my back and he pulls me into him tight, kissing me hard. I can feel the urgency, the pain, the longing and the sorrow in his kiss. I can feel the burden he’s carried all this time and I can feel his willingness to have a fresh start. Our tongues confide our deepest secrets as they dance together, telling each other much more than what we could ever express in words.
Suddenly Gabe stands up and holds out his hand to me, I clasp it and as I rise to my feet, he lifts me up and carries me. I rest my head against his broad chest, feeling safe in his arms. “I missed you,” I murmur, “I couldn’t sleep without you.”
“Well, I think we should get to bed,” he kisses my nose as he walks me down the hall to my room, “but I don’t know if I’m going to help with that sleep problem. Not until I’ve thoroughly worn you out,” he steps into my bedroom and lays me gently on the bed.
32|Vanessa
Gabe stands at the edge of my bed, staring down at me. My cheeks flush and I squirm a little as he doesn’t move a muscle. He just gazes over me, unblinking.
“What are you doing?” I shrivel up a little against the bedspread, feeling vulnerable. As he stands there, like a towering statue, examining me, I feel more exposed than I ever did at the sex club with him. I’m not sure how that’s possible, how he can see into me like this. Why do I get the feeling he can see my secrets? Why does it feel like my truth is revealed to his eyes?
“I’m sorry,” he seems to suddenly realize how uncomfortable he’s making me and blinks like he just woke up from a long nap where you aren’t sure what time of day or night it is because everything's so blurry. “I just can’t believe I was almost stupid enough to lose this,” his voice is thin and strained, “to lose you. It just would’ve been too much.” Gabe climbs onto the bed, planting his arms on either side of me and kisses me tenderly.
“Well, you didn’t lose me,” I slide my fingers over the side of his face and get lost in his sea blue eyes. “I’m right here,” I smile.
“I know,” he lays me back on my pillow and sits between my legs, still staring at me, but now I understand why. “And now I want to see all of you,” Gabe leans over me, kissing a slow, lazy trail down my neck, the heat of his breath billowing over my sensitive skin. His lips stop at the strap of my tank top and he sits up, tugging my hands softly to help me up too.
“You’re so beautiful Vanessa,” he murmurs as he slips his hands under my shirt and I lift my hands in the air, granting him permission to take it off. “Every single part of you,” he lets my sh
irt dangle from his fingertips for a moment before gravity tugs it to the floor. The entire time he never stops looking at me, watching me, soaking me in like it’s not physically possible for him to look away. I reach behind and unclasp my bra, letting the lacy cups fall free from my breasts and toss it away.
Gabe guides me back to the bed, laying me down and softly cups my breasts as he licks a circle around my pink nipple. He takes his time with me, there’s no urgency in his actions. Instead, it’s as if he’s savoring every inch of my skin. He tugs my nipple in past his lips and I arch my back at the buzzing sensation that fires through me. My skin prickles with heat as he kisses over to my other breast, licking and rubbing his thumb over my nipple until it’s a diamond tip.
His mouth is soft as he kisses and nibbles a path down my belly to my pants. Gabe opens my yoga pants from my body, but doesn’t try to take them off. Instead he slides his hand in under my panties and plunges it into my wet pussy. He pulls it out, looking at his glistening fingers before he licks my juices off everyone. “You taste amazing,” he meets my eyes again and I can feel my skin heat up as a blush travels over my cheeks.
Gabe shimmies my pants down over my hips and my panties slide down with them, he tugs them free from my legs leaving me completely naked. I begin to feel a bit uncomfortable just lying here my skin bare, my soul bare, and my love exposed, while he takes his time looking me over.
How am I able to stand naked under the scrutiny of all the crew working on my set, or under the peeping eyes of complete strangers in the sex club and not feel as raw and stripped down as I do right now. What is it about him?
I sit up, trying to push away the feeling, and help take his shirt off. He pulls it free easily and it disappears with the other clothing on the floor. My fingers fumble with his belt and he grabs my hands, stopping me and pops the button, tugging the zipper down quickly. His movements are so smooth, like a cool ebb and flow of the waves. Before I know it, he’s removed his pants and his hand slides up over his stiff cock as he looks over me. That stare, those eyes, it makes me melt inside. I lay back on the bed and pull him on top of me, but he rolls over and sits me up on his hips.
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