She dabbed at her tears once again, and took a deep breath. “I’ll think about it,” she answered, just as the server brought them their food.
After paying the bill, they walked away from the café, and Samantha held his hand once again. She suddenly stopped, and gave him a calculative glance. She had a mischievous grin, and pulled him forward. He frowned. “We are going to cut your hair,” she said, answering his silent question, and laughed when his eyes widened. He began to shake his head adamantly.
Once Christopher realized he had no say in the matter, he took her to his regular barber. They walked into the barbershop and he let go of her hand to sit in the chair. Before he could speak, Samantha addressed the barber.
“He needs something short and modern, kind of like Brad Pitt’s hair. The short and edgy version, not the long and messy one. He already has that and well, it kind of doesn’t go with his personality. No offense.” She added, realizing the barber had been the one to maintain that haircut.
The barber chuckled. “None taken, Miss.”
Christopher rolled his eyes as she continued. “Oh, and the beard needs to go, please. He should be clean shaven.”
“Hey, just a moment…” Christopher began to complain, but the barber raised his hand silencing him.
“The young lady has spoken, Chris. What a lady wishes, a lady gets. Now shush, and turn around so I can get you in perfect shape.”
Samantha chuckled. “Trust me, it will be ok. It’s makeover time for you, mister.” Christopher chuckled, and settled back on the chair, allowing the barber to swivel him around.
The barber smiled, and motioned for her to sit in the waiting area. “No need to worry, Miss. I’ve got this.”
Christopher looked at himself in the mirror, while the barber cleaned him up, and frowned. He was so used to seeing himself with the long hair and beard. He hadn’t really shaved or cut his hair like this since… He cut off the thought immediately. Standing up, he thanked the barber, paid him, and went in search of Samantha. She had stayed up front, in the waiting area reading one of the magazines they had for costumers.
“I’m done,” he announced, standing in front of her. She was deep into the article she was reading, and didn’t hear him. He chuckled and cleared his throat. “I’m done, Samantha.”
She heard his voice and closed the magazine setting it on the side. “It’s about time. I was going to fall asleep just wai…” her voice left her when her eyes finally settled on him. She was speechless. He looked so good she was kind of overwhelmed by the sight of him. He was gorgeous. It was hard to believe it, but his whole face had changed. His eyes looked big and captivating, his jaw was strong and chiseled. His lips were soft, pink and perfectly defined. She swallowed, feeling her throat dry all of the sudden. He was so good looking. It was as though he had been hiding under all that hair, like it had been a shield of some sort for him. He was handsome before, but this… He was simply breathtaking. The tingling in the pit of her stomach made her more aware of him. An urge to put her fingers through his hair took control. She needed to touch him.
“Oh, come on! It cannot possibly be that bad,” he joked, but she ignored him.
She stood up and stepped closer to him. Closer than she had before, she felt a pull towards him. Lifting her hands she reached for his hair and caressed it, pushing her fingers through it. It was cool and still a bit wet from the cut. His strands were so soft, and felt amazing between her fingers. She didn’t want to stop touching it. The feeling in her stomach intensified. She didn’t fully understand it, but she liked it.
Christopher looked at her, as she caressed him. Her fingers played with his hair, destroying every wall he was fighting to erect. The beat of his heart had taken on a whole new pace, and he was almost certain that he was a second away from hyperventilating. He failed to describe the sensations going through him, by having her this close. Her lips were only inches from his, her body was only a foot from his and he was suddenly, painfully aware of those facts. Without being able to help himself, he reached for her, and held her waist. She continued to caress him. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as now both her hands roamed his hair. He was somewhere else. It felt amazing to be caressed like this, by her.
He wanted it. He needed it.
He opened his eyes and found her looking at him with an intensity he hadn’t yet seen in her eyes, effectively making him nervous. Her hands left his hair, and for a moment he felt disappointed. Then she touched his skin. She caressed his cheeks with the back of her fingers slowly. It was delicious torture. Her fingertips traced the edge of his jaw, and he swallowed hard, feeling the urge to kiss her.
“Do you like it?” Christopher asked, trying to break the tension floating around them. Samantha nodded, but remained silent. Guiding her left hand along his arm, she lowered it to his, removed it from her waist, and held it in hers. She turned around and guided him out of the barbershop.
They walked in silence until suddenly Samantha stopped and stood before him. She held their hands together in front of them, bringing his attention to them. She caressed his fingers with her fingertips. He smiled tenderly.
“Do you think you’ll ever stop loving Abby? That you will ever be able to love someone as much as you loved her?”
Christopher’s eyes sought hers and he held her gaze, genuinely contemplating his answer. He took a deep breath. “I don’t know, I guess not. I will never stop loving her,” Samantha nodded, and lowered her gaze to their hands.
“Do you think you’ll ever be able to love someone else, even though the love you feel for her will always be a part of you?”
He lifted her chin, prompting her to look at him. “I used to think that I wouldn’t be able to love anyone else, but I’m starting to believe it might be feasible for me to feel that way again. I think it’s possible to love someone that’s no longer with you, and still fall for someone else. Perhaps with the right person, I could love again,” he answered looking into her eyes, and only then realizing the truth in his own words. “Do you think you will ever be able to love someone other than Jonathan?”
She took a deep breath, looking for the answer inside her heart. “I know I will always love Jonathan. He is part of me. He is inside every cell of my body. He has been for too long,” she paused, and her hold on his hand tightened. He cupped her cheek, still looking into her eyes, and smiled at her. Her heart reacted to the tenderness with which he looked at her. “I think with time I could fall for someone else,” she finished, taking a step closer.
Christopher leaned in, still cupping her cheek and rested his forehead to hers. Closing his eyes, he breathed her in. She made him feel things he hadn’t experienced in a long time. His heart reacted to her, and he couldn’t deny the way he felt being by her side. He pulled back and kissed her forehead.
Samantha smiled and looked at her hand in his. “This feels nice.”
His eyes fell on their hands together and he nodded. “It does, doesn’t it? Do you mind it? Holding my hand, I mean.”
She shook her head, although confused by it all. She didn’t quite understand why, but she liked the way he made her feel. She liked being with him. “I like holding your hand, and you? Does it make you uncomfortable?”
“No,” Christopher answered without hesitation. “I like it very much.”
She smiled at him, and kissed his cheek. His eyes closed, the instant her lips touched his skin. He smiled. He was getting used to those kisses. He looked forward to them.
“Come with me. There is a farmer’s market close by, that you are going to love.”
Once at the market, Samantha was delightfully overwhelmed. There were so many things around her. Some people sold flowers, others clothes, art, or fruits. She let go of Christopher’s hand, and walked to the fruit stand. Her eyes settled on the nicest bunch of grapes, they were red, seedless and looked so delicious. Buying a cluster, she accepted the napkins from the lady and turned to find Christopher standing in the same spot where she h
ad left him. She walked to his side.
“Do you like grapes?” She asked, popping a couple in her mouth. He chuckled and nodded.
Taking one from the bunch, she fed it to him. “They are delicious, aren’t they?”
“Indeed,” he said, and opened his lips as she fed him another one.
They walked through the market as Samantha continued to eat the grapes. He glanced at her feeling the urge to hold her hand again, but it would be a fool’s errand since she had them otherwise occupied. He considered putting his right arm around her back as they walked, suddenly feeling really aware that she might reject him.
“I mean it’s not like I have a bloody idea of what the heck I’m doing, do I? But I’ve just got to try.”
He took a deep breath and allowed his arm to wrap around her waist. He didn’t want to think, just act on what he was feeling, for once.
Samantha felt his arm around her and closed her eyes as the warmth seeped through her pores. She felt safe. She sighed, enjoying the feeling, and opened her eyes smiling at him. “More?” she asked him, offering another grape.
Christopher let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He was grateful for her reaction to his embrace. He nodded, and opened his lips again as she fed him the grape. He smiled.
They looked into each other’s eyes, knowing very well that although they didn’t quite understand what they were doing, what they were feeling, they needed it. They needed the support that the other was offering.
After spending the whole day together at the market, and having dinner at the secret garden as Samantha called it, Christopher closed the door to his apartment and walked into his room. His eyes watered the second he took Abby’s picture out of the drawer. Sitting on the bed, he stared at it, confused.
“What am I doing? Why do I feel this way when I’m with her? Why do I need her?” He took a deep breath, as his heart constricted. “Am I hurting you, Princess? I don’t want to hurt you, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I love you,” he whispered, as a tear fell down his cheek.
He closed his eyes remembering how it felt when Samantha touched him. When she caressed his hair, his cheek, and hand. When he wrapped his arms around her.
“I love you, Abby. I will always love you, but I feel alone. I need hope again, companionship, I need to feel something again,” he closed his eyes as the tears began to fall. “I can’t keep walking through life feeling broken. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I hope you know the last thing I want is to hurt you. But I need this, Princess. I need to be alive again. I’m sorry. I love you, Abby… I will always love you.”
*
Samantha lay on her bed, immersed in her pain again. Like every night, it came to remind her that she was not with Jonathan anymore, by his side. She stared at the phone and felt the world close in on her again. Shutting her eyes, she tried to push him out her thoughts. Instead, Christopher’s voice resounded in her mind.
“He might not be fully aware of what he feels for you. I believe you need to talk to him, be straightforward with him about how you feel, and clear things out. Because it will be worse if you just don’t know. You will both suffer.”
Getting up, Samantha rested her back to the wall, picked up the phone and dialed…
*
“Man that was exhausting. It’s beyond me how women enjoy this crap,”
Jonathan said, walking into his room after a full day of shopping with Phil.
“Not my Sam. She is happy with a pair of jeans, her Converse and my sweatshirt.” he smiled at the thought, immediately feeling the tug in his heart.
He had spent the whole week, calling every college and university he could find. Yet, he hadn’t found her. Every day it became harder to fight the feeling that whispered he wouldn’t see her again. He had tried with everything inside him to fight it. Refused to accept it. Samantha had been in his life, ever since he could remember. She would continue to be, after he found her. Reaching for her pillow, he sat on the bed and brought it to his nose. He smiled. It still smelled like her.
“I miss you,” he whispered lowering the pillow.
The sound of the phone reached him, interrupting his reminiscence. Taking a deep breath, he got up, and walked to the desk where he had left the hand set.
“Hello?” His answer was met with silence. “Hello, Sam?” He asked, begging for it to be her, yet there was no response. The line went dead.
“It’s her, I know it’s her,” he thought, checking the caller ID. It displayed, “Out of area,” on the screen. The phone rang again, and he answered right away. His heartbeat accelerating.
“Sam? Is that you? Please talk to me, Sam?” The line was silent, he sighed. “Fine, if you won’t talk to me, then I’ll talk to you… I miss you, Sam. I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I just think about you day and night,” her soft sobs broke through the silence. His heart tore a little.
“Please, Sam. Come back to me. I need you, I miss you, and I know you need me too. I know you miss me. Please, just come back,” she didn’t speak.
Jonathan walked back to the bed and sat down. His eyes closed, he could feel the pain traveling through him. “I’m sorry, Sam. I don’t know what I was doing. I’m sorry, it was just a…”
“Don’t! Don’t say it was a mistake. Don’t apologize anymore,” her voice broke the silence, interrupting his words. His hand tightened on the phone. His heart flipped inside him, at the sound of her voice after their time apart.
“Then tell me what you want me to say. Please, tell me how I can make things right, Sam. I need you here with me. I need you.”
“You can’t make it right, Jonathan. There’s no going back.”
“Why? Why can’t we move past this, Sam? Why can’t I make this right? I’ll do anything to fix this,” she remained silent. Jonathan stood up, his anxiety increasing. “Damn it, Sam! Tell me why? Why did you leave? Why would you leave me?”
“Because I love you, Jonathan! I’m in love with you,” she shouted through her tears.
He shook his head in disbelief, his eyes widened as he processed the truth he had tried so hard to avoid. “No, Sam….” he whispered, closing his eyes, and resting his forehead against the wall. “Don’t say that.”
“I love you, Jonathan,” she repeated, crying. “I love you, and I need you to hear it, to acknowledge it. I don’t want you to apologize, and I don’t want you to say it was a mistake because it wasn’t. You kissed me for a reason. You kissed me at the tavern and in your room. You kissed me like you wanted me, like you needed me the same way I need you. You already know why I kissed you. I did it because I love you, because I have loved you for so long. Now you need to tell me why you kissed me. I need to know Jonathan… why did you do it?”
He turned pressing his back against the wall, and shook his head. “Please Sam, don’t do this.”
“Tell me, Jonathan.”
“Sam, please don’t,” he begged her. The storm inside him was threatening to destroy his sanity. There was a feeling he couldn’t understand. It was pushing him to the edge, striving to break through his walls. His heart slammed against his chest, but he knew one thing. He couldn’t let it happen, he couldn’t let it unveil the truth. “No, Sam.”
“Please answer me, Jonathan. It’s the least you can do. I deserve an answer. Why did you kiss me?”
“Don’t.”
“Tell me!” She demanded crying, and something snapped inside him.
“I can’t! I can’t answer that question because I don’t know why I did it! I don’t know why I kissed you, Sam. I just know that I saw you differently that day. I saw you, and it was like something awoke inside me. A need I couldn’t contain. I kissed you at the tavern because I had to. Because something was pulling me to you, and then I saw you in my room, and something happened to me. I had to have you in my arms. It was a force stronger than me, and I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it, all I wanted was to kiss you. To kiss your lips, your nec
k, to let my hands caress you, and I never wanted to stop. I wanted to make love to you, Sam. I wanted it desperately, and that’s all I think about. Kissing you, tasting your skin, and having you in my arms. I wanted to make love to you that day, and if you were here right now, I would hold you in my arms and kiss you again. I would make love to you, Sam! I would make love to you, over and over again, until you understood that this is where you need to be… with me, in my arms. This is where you belong,” he answered, breathless. His heart raced, while he struggled to process his own words.
Samantha slid down the wall and onto the floor of her room. Her trembling hand covered her mouth, as Jonathan’s words reached her. She wanted to understand what she was hearing, and what he was not saying.
Jonathan sat on his bed, staring at the floor. He held his head as the need for her increased inside him, overwhelming him.
“Sam, please come back to me. I need you, baby. Just tell me what you need from me and I’ll do it. I promise you, Sam. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll kiss you as many times as you want me to. I’ll make love to you. I’ll protect you, and be there for you always. Baby, please come back,” he begged, his gaze became unfocused. His eyes had begun to tear up.
“Do you love me?” Samantha whispered.
Jonathan shook his head slowly and shut his eyes closed. A tear slid down his cheek. He didn’t answer.
“Do you love me?”
“Sam, please don’t ask me that. You know me better than anyone, I…”
“Do you love me?”
“Sam…”
“Jonathan, I need to know,” her voice broke, tearing his hart again.
“Why? Why do you need me to tell you that?”
“Because I love you, Jonathan. I can’t be just your friend anymore. I want to love you and I want you to love me. I don’t want you to make love to me just so that I won’t leave you. Or just because of some urge you can’t control. I don’t want you to have sex with me, Jonathan! Is that really what I’m worth to you? You want me close so you can kiss me anytime you feel like it? Satisfy your needs, and have me when you want me?”
Chasing Time: A Love Through Time Novel Page 13