Chasing Time: A Love Through Time Novel

by Stephany Wallace

  “Of course not, Sam!” He answered horrified. “Why would you even say that? I care about you. You know I do. Please don’t do this. You know what you are asking of me. You, more than anyone else, know how I feel about that. I don’t believe in love, don’t ask me that, Sam, please. You are my best friend.”

  “No, Jonathan. I need more than that. I need you to love me. You say you would kiss me, make love to me, but if you don’t love me, that means nothing to me.”

  “Baby, please. I need you, I miss you.”

  “But you don’t love me,” she said resignedly, as the tears slid freely down her cheeks.

  The line went silent. Jonathan stood, afraid Samantha was gone. “No, Sam. Please. Don’t hang up.”

  “I don’t think there’s anything else to say,” she answered, taking a ragged breath.

  He sighed in relief. She was still there. “Please tell me where you are, baby. I’ll come see you. We’ll talk face to face. I have to see you, I need you,” he pleaded, as despair unraveled in him. He closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the words that came from deep inside him. “I need to kiss you, baby, please. I need to have you in my arms again. I need you. I want to be with you, Sam.”

  “No,” she whispered.

  “Just tell me where you are, I’ll come to you. It doesn’t matter where, just please tell me.”

  Samantha took a deep breath accepting the truth in front of her. Jonathan didn’t love her. Whatever it was he was feeling, lust, desire, it wasn’t love. Even if it were, he wouldn’t accept it. He wouldn’t tell her he loved her. He wouldn’t allow himself to love her.

  “You can’t come to see me, Jonathan.”

  “Why not? I will be there. I promise I will.”

  “I’m not in the country anymore.”

  Jonathan stared blankly at the wall, as his world shifted. The walls were suddenly closing in on him. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.

  “Where are you, Sam? Please tell me where you are, baby,” he asked, pacing the room, and beginning to panic.

  “In England,” she answered, pulling the floor from underneath him.

  “England? No, that can’t be,” he said, pressing his fist to his forehead, his hand trembling as the desperation reached its peak. He was losing her, and he didn’t know what to do.

  “I can’t go to England for you right now, baby. I’m starting in the firm in two days, there’s not enough time, and I need to buy the plane ticket… fuck!” he stopped and took deep breaths, trying to calm the anxiety building inside of him. He felt hopeless. “Sam, please. Come back to me. Or at least give me some time to go get you.”

  “No, Jonathan. I’m not coming back. There’s no more time.”

  “Why? Baby, please. I need you.”

  “Stop calling me baby, Jonathan!” She yelled, tormented by the word she had so many times wished he would use. Yet, in that moment, it did nothing but hurt her more. “You have never called me that before. It won’t sway me now.”

  Jonathan shook his head, another tear falling. “Don’t do this, Sam. You belong with me, baby.”

  “As what? Your sidekick?”

  He could hear the sarcasm in her voice. “No! Why are you acting like this? You know I care about you. I always have. Please, baby, don’t do this.”

  “I love you, Jonathan. I will always love you, but it’s time I move on.”

  He could hear her voice breaking, and her soft sobs took over. Each sob ripped his heart. He never wanted this to happen. He never wanted to hurt her.

  “I need you, baby. I miss you.”

  “That’s not good enough, Jonathan.”

  “Please Sam, I can’t live without you. You belong with me, baby. I’m yours and you are mine, please! I’ll do anything you ask.”

  “Tell me you love me,” Samantha whispered, crying.

  Jonathan felt his heart react to her plea. Yet he remained silent. He shut his eyes while the pain tore through him. That was the one thing he couldn’t do. He couldn’t love her. He didn’t love her. He didn’t believe in love. Love destroyed people, ruined everything. It didn’t exist.

  “Please, I need to know,” she begged him, through her tears. “Do you love me, Jonathan?”

  He opened his eyes. His gaze hardened, as he fought against the emotions churning inside him.

  “No.”

  Samantha nodded silent. Her body began to shake from the pain. Closing her eyes, she placed her hand on the floor as her body collapsed on to it. She had no more strength after the blow that had shattered her for good. She struggled to speak, the pain consuming her.

  “Goodbye, Jonathan,” she whispered between sobs and hung up.

  The line went dead and Jonathan stared at the phone in horror. “No, baby! Please, Sam!” He called to her, but there was no one there.

  “No!” He roared, throwing the phone against the wall with all his strength. It exploded into a million pieces, scattering around the room. His eyes were wide and unseeing, at the realization of what had just happened. All the strength left him and he staggered back, sitting on the floor. His back rested against the bed. Grief and rage took over him.

  “You lost her,” he whispered. “You fucking idiot, you lost her.”

  Placing his elbows on his knees, he held his head. The tears began to spill effortlessly from his eyes. “No, baby no. Sam, I need you! Baby please…”

  *

  Phil knocked on Jonathan’s door but received no answer. He slowly pushed it open, to find him sitting on the floor, his hands holding his head.

  “Are you ok, man?” Phil asked, sitting next to him on the floor.

  Jonathan cleared his throat, and shook his head. “I lost her.”

  “I’m sorry, man. I really am. What did she say?”

  “She’s in love with me, and she can’t be just my friend anymore. She wants me to love her.”

  “Well, do you?” Phil asked, knowingly.

  Jonathan let his hands fall from his head, and wiped his face bitterly. He lifted his gaze to Phil. “I don’t believe in love.”

  “So what do you feel for her?”

  He looked at his friend confused. “She’s my best friend, that’s all.”

  Phil shook his head, incredulous and frustrated. He sighed. “She’s much more than that, Jonathan. I can see that, and you can feel it too. What I don’t understand is why you can’t accept it,” Jonathan remained silent. Phil took a deep breath. “Did she tell you where she was?” Jonathan nodded. “Are you going to see her?”

  “She doesn’t want to see me,” his eyes retuned to Phil. There was helplessness in his gaze. “I don’t understand, Phil. I offered her everything. I told her I would do anything she wanted. I would kiss her if she wanted me to, make love to her if she wanted me to. Anything she wanted… She still said goodbye.”

  Phil shook his head. “She doesn’t want a consolation prize, man. She wants you to love her. Consciously. Willingly. If you can’t do it, if you can’t accept love, then I think you need to move on, and allow her to do the same.”

  Jonathan stared at him, baffled by his response. Phil pated his back and got up, walking out of the room.

  Going into the bathroom, Jonathan splashed cold water on his face and stared at himself in the mirror. The conversation replayed in his mind.

  “I need to kiss you, baby, please, let me kiss you again. I need you, I can’t live without you…”

  “Why do I need her like this? Why would I tell her all that?” He asked himself, pushing his hand through his hair.

  “If you were here right now, I would hold you in my arms, and kiss you again. I would kiss you, and I would make love to you, Sam… You belong with me, I’m yours and you are mine…”

  He turned around, and pressed his back against the door finding it hard to breathe. Her last words destroyed him.

  “I love you, Jonathan. I will always love you, but it’s time I move on…”

  He walked back to his room, feeling numb. Picking up the
pieces of the phone, he threw them in the garbage, and let his body fall on to the bed. As his head hit the pillow, her perfume filled the air.

  “Would it be so bad to let her in? To love her?” Grief clawed at him, breaking his thought. He shut his eyes, closing himself off to the emotions. “I can’t love her,” he whispered. A tear ran down his face, while darkness engulfed him.

  Taking over him.

  *

  Samantha rested her cheek on the floor while she cried. Jonathan had, with a surgeon’s precision, sliced open the remnants of her heart. So, she cried. She never imagined, that he would be the one to destroy her in the end. The one she had trusted with her life.

  She could still hear his voice.

  “I need you baby, I miss you.”

  “Do you love me, Jonathan?”

  “No.”

  She cried, not being able to get up from the floor, not having the strength to face it. She just wanted to disappear. There was no life without him. Not one that was worth it. He had always been there, and she needed him. She needed his arms to hold her. But Jonathan would not be there anymore to hold her, to protect her from the hurt. He was the one hurting her now.

  It was the middle of the night and Samantha had not been able to stop crying. The sorrow was intensified by the fact that she was now alone. Suddenly, she heard his voice.

  “I’m here for you…”

  Lifting her head from the floor she looked at the alarm clock. It was 3:35am. Grabbing the phone she dialed his number.

  “Hello?”

  The sound of his voice brought a new set of tears to her eyes. She sobbed.

  “Oh, Darling. You called him, didn’t you?”

  She tried to calm herself enough to speak. “Yes” she whispered, unable to do anything else.

  “Come to me. I’ll meet you on the way.”

  She hung up. With the only strength she could muster, she got up from the floor, grabbed her keys, and stepped out the door trying to be as quiet as she could. A task not easily accomplished, considering she was still crying. She got out of the building, and began running through the campus, feeling the weight of the agony that she carried her.

  Christopher hung up the phone, and lifted his head from the pillow. It was still a bit damp from the remnants of his tears.

  He got up, put his jeans on and a T-shirt and rushed out the door, barefoot. He got downstairs and rushed towards her building. He could feel her pain. It nearly destroyed him to hear her crying like that on the phone. He broke into a jog to get to her faster. He knew how it felt to have your heart ripped open by the person you loved. No matter how or why it happened, when you truly loved, the pain was the same.

  He spotted her, running through the garden towards him, and he began to run.

  Samantha ran to Christopher and crashed into him. Her sobs took over, as she felt his arms embrace her.

  “It’s ok, Darling. This too shall pass. It will be all right,” Christopher whispered, holding her tight in his arms. He kissed her head gently, and lifted her chin to have her look at him.

  “Come with me.”

  She nodded, and began to walk in his embrace back to his apartment. She needed him. They walked into his place, and he guided her to sit on the sofa.

  “Would you like something to drink? Hot tea might help calm your nerves.”

  She shook her head and he sat next to her holding her again. Bringing her close to him, he held her tight. She buried her face in his chest crying. Samantha’s pain filtered into him. Leaning back, Christopher laid them down on the sofa and she curled around him. His lips rested on the top of her head and he kissed her. Lifting his arm, he reached for the thick blanket draped along the back of the sofa and laid it over their bodies. His fingers pushed through her hair, caressing her strands, while her tears fell on his chest.

  The morning arrived, and Christopher opened his eyes to find Samantha deep asleep in his arms. He breathed her in, and held her closer.

  “Is it wrong that this feels so bloody good?”

  For the first time in over a year, he had slept all through the night, and it had been with her in his arms. Just holding her, comforting her, knowing she needed him. That someone needed him again had changed it all. He looked at her tenderly, while his fingers moved lazily along her arm, caressing her. He gave her a soft kiss on her cheek, and rested his chin on her head, fixing the blanket on her to make sure she was warm.

  Samantha woke up, and immediately realized she was in Christopher’s arms. The warmth spread through her and she welcomed the feeling. She felt safe… grateful. He had been there for her, when she needed someone. His arms had held her through the night, until she was finally able to calm down, and fall asleep.

  Her palm moved over his chest and she could feel the defined muscles underneath. He wasn’t a built kind of man. He was tall and lean, but his body was firm and well defined. She could feel the hard muscles under her touch. They felt nice. Her fingertips moved on his chest following the outline of his pectoral muscles. Suddenly, she realized his shirt was wet from her tears, and cringed. She leaned her head back, and looked up at him. He was watching her. She blushed. Christopher gave her a crooked smile, clearly amused by her reaction. Her blush deepened.

  “Good morning, Princess,” he said, smiling fully this time. Samantha chuckled. He raised his eyebrows. “Is that funny?”

  She nodded. “Yes, well, no. Not really. It’s just… when I arrived here I was mesmerized by Oxford. I felt as if I was entering a castle and said to myself, I finally get to be a Princess.”

  He chuckled. “You are,” instinctively, his arms held her closer, and he felt her pull away. He froze, and looked at her confused, trying to figure out what he had done. He noticed her lift herself on the sofa, so her face was right in front of his. She smiled at him looking into his eyes.

  “Thank you,” she said simply, and laid down once again. Resting her head on his shoulder, she leaned in and pressed her forehead to his lips. He smiled, and kissed it lovingly. Samantha closed her eyes, and sighed smiling.

  “I love your smile,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her, once again.

  “Can I be honest with you?”

  He nodded, suddenly nervous. Not sure of what to expect.

  “This feels nice.”

  He breathed relieved. “It does, doesn’t it?” she nodded. Samantha became quiet and he noticed the sadness return to her eyes. “Would you like to talk about it, Princess?” She took a deep breath, as though trying to prepare herself to say the words.

  “He doesn’t love me. I told him I loved him, and that I needed him to love me. That I couldn’t just be his friend anymore. He begged me to come back. He said he needed me, but he doesn’t love me.”

  Christopher nodded, and began to caress her hair. “He feels something for you, though?”

  “Yes, no…. I don’t know anymore. He begged me, told me that he couldn’t live without me. He said that he would do anything I asked. I asked him to say that he loved me. He couldn’t.”

  “It sounds to me like he is incredibly confused. He doesn’t know what he wants, or how to recognize what he feels.”

  She leaned in, hiding her face in his neck. Her eyes teared up again. “His parents went through a very painful, and difficult divorce when he was twelve years old. His Mother discovered that his Father had another woman, another marriage for years. The woman was pregnant. He had a whole other family behind their backs. His betrayal destroyed his Mother, and Jonathan. It scarred him for life. He doesn’t believe in love. He says it doesn’t exist, that the mere idea of it destroys people. He will never allow himself to love.”

  Christopher understood her pain. It hurt him to see her like this. “Have you decided what you are going to do?”

  She nodded and took a deep breath. A tear spilled from her eyes, sliding down his neck and he tightened his arms around her.

  “It’s time for me to move on. I have to at least try.” She whispered, her voice br
eaking through the words.

  “I made a decision too. I’ve been holding onto the pain of losing Abby, for too long. I know it won’t be easy, but I want to try and move on from what happened. I need to start living again.” She nodded and leaned in placing her forehead to his lips. Christopher smiled. “Message received,” he said, and gave her a kiss on her forehead. Samantha placed her hand on his chest, and he held it. Closing their eyes, they drifted back asleep.

  “This is all my fault.”

  Jonathan thought, over and over as he replayed the events that had transpired between Samantha and him. Yet, the more he remembered the kisses, his hands on her waist, her body under his, the more he was convinced she was right. It had not been a mistake. It felt amazing to have her in his arms, it felt right. Of course, this realization only contributed to his anguish. She had already said goodbye, and even though he felt this way about what had happened, he didn’t love her. He couldn’t love her.

  After his conversation with Samantha, Jonathan had spent all weekend in his room. Drapes closed, in the dark. He only felt pain, and there was nothing else he wanted to feel.

  She was gone.

  Jonathan and Phil walked side by side, on their way to the firm. It was Monday morning, and their first day at the office. They stopped for coffee at the corner coffee shop, and continued to what would be their first day of work. Jonathan checked his watch, just as they got to the building. It was 7:30am. They exchanged a glance.

  “Here goes nothing,” Phil said, and pushed the door open.

  “Good morning, Miss. We are here to see Mr. Parker, my name is Jonathan Smith and this is my associate Phil Adams. We are the new lawyers,” Jonathan said, with a smile to the receptionist.

  “Of course, he is expecting you. Just a moment please, let me contact his assistant.”

  The sharp, clicking sound of heels on the marble floor of the lobby drew their attention. Jonathan and Phil turned around to find a woman walking towards them. Phil elbowed him as she approached them, and they instantly found themselves hypnotized. The beauty walking towards them, moved like a tigress. She had sexy long brown hair, deep ocean-blue haunting eyes, and full lips tinted red that would make any man go crazy. They stretched in a sideways smirk, as she gave Phil and Jonathan a fleeting glance. Phil’s eyes instinctively swept over her.