by M. J. Haag
“Yes. We do.”
I looked her over with the same intensity she was looking me over.
“Why, exactly, were you hiding?” I asked after the moment stretched long enough.
“To see your reaction to the bottles.”
My gaze shifted to the bottles then the note on the empty one.
“They’re bottles. Do you want me to start leaving love notes on them, too?”
“You know that isn’t a love note, Hannah.” She pulled the vibrant yellow paper off and thrust it at me. “It’s a problem.”
“Yeah it is, and so is hiding behind a counter. Better watch how you’re acting or people will start thinking there’s something wrong with you. It’s a judgy place around here.”
Her shoulders slumped for a moment then she slapped the note down onto the counter.
“I’m not judging. I’m afraid. Afraid of losing you and being alone again.”
Her words made the storm inside of me thunder louder.
“Don’t you get it yet?” I asked. “It’s never been about if we’ll die but about when we’ll die. You will lose me.” My thoughts collided as I realized something so very obvious. “We were always meant to die. From the day we were born. The only thing that’s changed is how. Instead of old age, it’ll be infection or a hound.”
The idea that my mortality had always been there, that my life had always been meant to end, sent my mind into a spiral. I gripped the counter against the onslaught of questions. How could anyone live knowing they were already dying? How were we all not running around in fear even before the quakes? What the fuck was the point of living at all?
“Hannah? You don’t look good. Are you okay? Are you going to be sick?”
I shook my head and stumbled away from her, unable to deal with her questions any more than I was able to deal with my own.
“I need some air.” I grabbed my jacket, my hands shaking so bad that I knew there was no hiding it from her. “The new bottle is still sealed, by the way, but feel free to break it open and take a sip if you don’t trust me. I’ll be back later.”
I left the house and took a few stumbling steps down the front walk as I struggled to breathe. It felt like something was growing inside of me, taking up the room that I needed and stealing my air. A choked sound escaped me, then another.
Across the street, a fey stopped walking to look at me; and just like that, I inhaled and my walk smoothed out. I waved, not even knowing how I’d managed the bright smile I wore, and crossed the street.
“Good morning, Tor,” I said when I neared. Then, I broke eye contact and kept walking.
Awareness tingled along my spine, and I looked back, thinking Tor might have followed me in a bid for conversation. However, it wasn’t Tor I saw watching me.
Merdon stood near the tree in my front yard.
I faced forward again and continued on my way, not knowing where I was headed until I arrived at Mary and James’s place.
Despite the early hour, James still called out in welcome after my second knock.
“Didn’t think we’d see you again so soon,” James said from his chair.
“Yeah, me either. Emily and I had a fight, and I needed somewhere quiet to think.”
James considered me for a moment then asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”
I almost said that I didn’t but realized I was with the one person who might be able to help me. Sitting in the chair beside him, I exhaled slowly and tucked my hands between my knees.
“I’m going to die,” I said, looking at him. “These walls might delay it; but someday, somehow, I’m going to die.”
He nodded slowly.
“I didn’t figure that out until I was in my thirties. I can still remember how that made me feel. The fear.” He stood and went to the decanter on the sideboard and poured us both a small amount. Without another word, he handed me a glass. I gulped down the contents and held out the cup for more. He obliged.
With the alcohol warming my stomach, some of the shaking eased.
“What is the point of all this, James?” I asked before I could stop myself. “The struggle to keep going when you know there’s just another round of pain hiding behind the next corner?”
“It’s not about the pain but about the happiness in between,” James said kindly. “Don’t worry. The fear will fade, and you’ll see.”
I doubted that very much.
I was about to stand and excuse myself when Mary peeked out from the kitchen.
“I thought I heard someone,” she said, emerging to give me a hug. “I could use a helper.”
It wasn’t her earnest expression that had me staying but James’s murmured, “I’ll get you a refill,” that decided me. I was where I needed to be.
My certainty dimmed as I spent the next two hours hand-laminating ridiculous question cards Mary had spent most of the night making. That James had capped the decanter after my third drink added to my doubt.
Placing the last card on the stack, I quickly stood. The drinks had warmed my belly and taken the edge off the worst of my thoughts, but I knew what would happen if I didn’t find something more soon. I did not want to be sober.
“I better get going,” I said. “I don’t want Emily to worry about me.”
“She loves you so much,” Mary said with a pat to my shoulder before she scooped up the cards and disappeared into the kitchen.
“How disappointed will she be when she figures out that Emily and I aren’t gay?” I asked James.
He chuckled.
“She’ll be thrilled. It’ll mean she can add your names to the dating fishbowl.” He pointed to a glass jar that had folded pieces of paper in them.
“Not ever happening,” I said, grabbing my jacket.
“She’s right, though, about Emily. That girl cares about everyone, but she worries about you more than the rest. You should take another bottle of liquor home. I think she’s worried you won’t have enough.”
I’d started toward the cabinet at his suggestion but paused at the last statement.
“Why would you think that?” I asked.
“She was asking how many shots are in a bottle and how long a bottle would last. She knows how you like your gatherings and knows that one bottle won’t do much.”
“Ah. Well, I don’t think I’ll be in the mood for a gathering for a while. I have a lot to wrap my head around.”
He nodded in understanding.
“Come back whenever you’d like. We’ll find you a quiet place to sit and think here.” He frowned and glanced at the kitchen door where Mary had disappeared. “Well, maybe not here. I have a feeling we’ll be hosting Mary’s version of The Dating Game soon.”
“I doubt that,” I said. “Despite Emily’s meddling, most of the girls aren’t too keen on living with the fey.”
Mary’s head popped out of the kitchen. “They just need incentive to give them a chance. Be a dear, and start asking the fey to bring any extra canned goods here. Emily is going to use that as payment for a date.”
I stared at the old woman for a disbelieving moment then agreed.
“Sure. I’ll talk to the fey for you.”
I called my farewell and rushed out the door. Did I agree with what Mary and Emily were doing? Hell no. But, whether I helped or not, they’d go ahead with their plan and likely get a few desperate females to agree to their dumb game. So why not improve my drinkless position? Since Emily was obviously watching the bottle in the cabinet and would likely ask James if I’d taken more from him when she learned I’d visited, I really didn’t have much of a choice, anyway.
Outside, I waved to the first fey I saw, who happened to be Tor again. He smiled broadly and jogged my way.
“Hello, Hannah.”
“What are the odds that you’re the first fey I see when I walk out the door. That’s twice today. Are you stalking me?” I asked jokingly.
He blinked at me, and his smile fell. Crap. They were sensitive about the word “stalker.”
; “I’m kidding,” I said, tapping his arm playfully. “I actually have some really exciting news. Mary and Emily are pulling something together to give you guys a chance to get to know the humans. Do you want me to add your name to the list? It only costs one bottle.”
The smile lit his face again.
“I will pay that. When should I give you the bottle?”
“Tomorrow. Spread the word, okay? Any fey who wants some one-on-one time with a female should bring a bottle to my place tomorrow to get scheduled.”
He nodded and took off at a jog. The thing taking up space and robbing me of air twisted inside of me again, and I wished I could call him back and ask for something today. But I couldn’t. First, I needed to deal with Emily.
The first words she said to me when I walked in the door just confirmed it.
“Have fun drinking with James?” she asked.
I stared at her for a moment then took off my jacket. It wasn’t like her to be so confrontational.
“No, I didn’t. I laminated over one hundred stupid question cards. But Mary seemed happy about it if that matters.”
Emily’s expression wavered then fell.
“Of course it matters. I think it’s great that you went there to help.”
“I didn’t go there to help. I went there because you obviously wanted a fight, and I didn’t. Yes, James offered me a drink. Yes, I accepted. No, I didn’t take another stupid bottle from him. Can we be done with this now?”
She studied me for a minute then nodded.
“I just want you to be okay,” she said. “The drinking—”
“Isn’t a problem. But, how you’re going to bribe girls into hanging out with the fey so they can play fifty questions is. The fey are going to get their hopes up at the idea of a dinner with a girl. Meanwhile, all the girls are going to rush through the questions so they get paid and can get out of there. It’s not fair because the expectations aren’t clear.”
“You have a different idea, don’t you?”
“I do. And it involves alcohol.” I lifted my hand as if she was going to object. “Now just hear me out.”
She made an annoyed sound. “I don’t have a problem with drinking, Hannah, I’m just worried that you were going too far.”
She had no idea.
“Back to the point. We shouldn’t call this a dating game. We should call it a date because that’s what the fey really want, and we should be upfront with the girls agreeing to this. And make it less like a payoff because that’s like whoring.”
Emily’s mouth popped open a little.
“Instead of promising canned goods, promise a full meal. As much as they want to eat for as long as they want to stay. That alone will promote lingering and conversation. The cards can be on the table just to help the conversation if it lulls. And, let’s be honest. With the fey, it will lull.
“What do you think?” I asked.
She chewed her lip for a minute then agreed it might be a better idea.
“Good. I already started spreading the word among the fey. They’re going to show up here tomorrow to schedule a day. How many a day do you think we can do?”
She frowned, and I piped up again.
“I was thinking that Mary would want to host and cook for the couples. She’s the one in love with the idea of pairing them up. Plus, James has the liquor cabinet that’ll be needed to calm a lot of nerves.”
“The girls aren’t that nervous. They’re just uncomfortable.”
“The ones already living with the fey aren’t the ones who’d be tempted by an all-you-can-eat meal. I’m talking about all the single ladies at Tenacity.”
Therein lay the beauty of my plan. In order to get enough females on board with this, Emily would need to spend a lot of time at Tenacity, talking to girls, and I would need to stay here to schedule the fey. She’d hear about the bottle payments eventually, but I’d worry about that later. Hopefully, I’d be drunk enough to no longer care. Or hear. Or feel.
“Hannah?”
I realized Emily had been talking to me.
“Sorry. Lost in my thoughts again.”
“It’s okay. This is a lot to think about. I asked if you mentioned any of this to Mary.”
“Nope. I did my time there today. I’ll leave that to you.”
“You know that she won’t be able to do all the cooking and cleaning alone, right?”
“Yep. I’m sure there are other matchmakers who’d be willing to pitch in so they can watch the love-show.”
Emily was already walking to the door.
“I’m going to go talk to Mary.”
I waved her away and waited for the door to close before running upstairs for my small, empty bottle. James wasn’t the only one with a supply of spare booze, and thanks to him, I knew where to go.
A few minutes later, Kerr opened their door, his expression not it’s usually stoic mask.
“Looking a little harassed there, Kerr,” I said. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is fine. Are you looking for Cassie?”
“Please.”
He stepped aside to let me in and revealed a wall covered with colorful marker swirls. There was also a bucket and a scrub brush next to a little girl with tear-streaked cheeks.
“Nice artwork,” I commented.
“Cassie is not happy,” Kerr said quietly.
“I bet not.”
The little girl snuffled as we walked past to the kitchen. Cassie was at the stove, angry-cooking by the looks of things. I almost smiled.
“Maybe I should come back later.”
Cassie glanced at me and shook her head.
“No. I could use a break.” Her gaze met Kerr’s. “Cleaning is an appropriate punishment. Even if you didn’t know the rules, she did.”
Without another word, Cassie strode from the kitchen. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what had happened.
“Hope they weren’t permanent,” I said.
“They were!” Cassie yelled from down the hall. Upstairs, a baby started to cry.
I hurried after Cassie and found her pacing a small room with a narrow bed. I studied her for a moment.
“You’ve been around the fey enough to understand they don’t know all the rules,” I said.
She let out a slow breath.
“I have. But, it’s not the rules. This isn’t our house. We’re wrecking someone else’s things.”
The wailing increased.
“Just a second,” she said before rushing from the room.
I quietly opened cupboards until I found what I needed. By the time she returned, I was standing where she’d left me, and she looked a little calmer.
“I’m sorry, Hannah. I shouldn’t have unloaded on you. How can I help you?”
“Just checking back in to see if you have anything for sleep yet.”
She considered me for a moment.
“Nothing I’m confident enough to give you. Have you tried exercise like I suggested?”
“No, but thanks anyway.”
She caught my arm as I moved to leave.
“My offer is still open,” she said. “Sometimes talking about—”
“No,” I said more forcefully. “Talking won’t fix this.”
She released me, and I left quickly, hating that I’d ever admitted to her that I wasn’t sleeping because of nightmares of the past. Hearing stupid shit like post-traumatic stress had made me want to slap her. Instead, I’d smiled and nodded and told her I’d come back if it got any worse.
Outside the air cooled my anger, and I managed a normal pace as I set out for home. Inside my coat, the liquid in the now full bottle sloshed against my breast. My mouth felt so dry. I couldn’t wait to hide up in my room and take a drink. I desperately needed some escape.
A shadow crossed my path. It was the only warning I had before I collided with someone.
“I’m so sorr—”
The words died as I lifted my head and looked at Merdon.
“You
did that on purpose,” I said, jerking back a few steps.
I could see in his gaze that I was right and that he didn’t care if I knew it.
“Stop following me around.”
He tilted his head, studying me.
“Or what?” he asked.
My mouth fell open, and he prowled forward, closing the space between us.
“You don’t have the balls to do anything about it,” he said, close to my ear.
My eyes went wide, and I remembered I’d said those words just the day before. Obviously, Merdon had been doing more than just following me around. He’d been listening to my conversations, too.
Before I could respond, he walked away.
I stood there, seething for a moment, then hurried home. Safely inside with the curtains pulled shut, I slammed half the bottle down, not giving a damn if Emily found out or not. I just couldn’t deal with the level of crazy in this world anymore.
Thankfully, Emily stayed at Mary and James’s place most of the day and didn’t question my position on the couch when she came home well after dinner. Honestly, for the first few minutes, I wasn’t even sure she was aware I was really there. She talked non-stop about how she and Mary had the logistics figured out. The fey were already bringing supplies to Mary’s place, and Emily had already found a fey to take her over to Tenacity. On and on it went, with no conversational response necessary from me.
When the enthusiastic retelling of her day halted abruptly, I sat up and gave her a questioning look. There was no excitement in her expression, only worry.
“A little birdy told me you went to Cassie’s today. Everything okay?” she asked.
“Seriously, when are you going to stop asking that?” I asked, feigning my best bored tone. “No, shit’s not okay. You hear me scream at night. Since you don’t like me drinking, I went to see if she had something to help me sleep.”
“Did she?”
“No. Nothing she’s comfortable administering, anyway. And if you’re behind the reason why Merdon was following me around today, I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.”
“I didn’t ask him to follow you around. I think he’s just worried about you. Besides, you know he’s harmless.”
“Do I? When I told him to stop, he told me I didn’t have the balls to do anything about it. He’s following me around and listening to our conversations.”