‘It’s Adam – I’m here. Can I come round and see you now?’
‘I suppose so,’ I said. ‘But I’m up to the elbows in cake, so you’d better walk round the side of the house to the kitchen door and let yourself in.’
I gave him directions, then wiped a blob of confectioner’s cream off the phone with a bit of kitchen towel before carrying on with what I was doing, though there was a sick churning feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart was doing ominous little flips.
I was just about to smooth the pale pink marzipan over the domed cake when some sixth sense made me look up and spot him through the top of the glass door, just before he turned the handle and let himself in. It was like a snapshot from the past.
‘Hi, Cally,’ he said with a smile, as if we’d only parted the day before.
I think he’d have come and kissed me if I hadn’t pointed my wooden rolling pin at him and said, ‘Just sit there while I finish covering this cake: it’s special and I want only good thoughts to go into it.’
One side of his mouth twitched in amusement in a way I remembered, and he obediently sat down on the chair opposite.
‘Same old Cally – and you look cute even with flour on your nose.’
‘Icing sugar,’ I said, rubbing it off with a corner of my apron.
‘What kind of cake is that? It looks weird.’
‘It’s a prinsesstårta and it’s going to be the christening cake for a very special baby – she was premature and so tiny it’s a miracle she’s made it.’
‘Well, I’m sure that’s great, but do you think you could stop and give me your full attention for five minutes?’ he said
‘No, because I want to get this finished before Stella wakes up. But I’ll listen while I’m working.’ I smoothed down the pale pink marzipan covering and then began creating a little crown to sit on the top.
‘Stella’s still asleep? Isn’t she a bit old for a nap?’
The marzipan crown in place, I looked at him properly for the first time and noticed that his boyish good looks now sat oddly on the face of a man in his forties, like an ageing Peter Pan.
‘Stella’s not quite four and lots of children still have a nap in the afternoon at that age. But in Stella’s case, of course, she gets tired really easily because of her medical condition and needs lots of rest.’
He looked blank. ‘What medical condition?’
‘You mean … Aimee didn’t tell you that Stella had a heart condition?’ I said, startled.
‘No, she never mentioned there was anything wrong with her,’ he said, looking totally taken aback. ‘I mean, is she …?’
‘She was born with a complex condition affecting the heart and one of the arteries going into it,’ I said. ‘She was operated on right after she was born and then she had another operation later, but I’ll spare you the details because you’re going green.’ I added unkindly.
‘Well, it’s a bit of a shock.’
‘Yes, well, considering all that Stella has suffered with it, I think you could brace up and listen to me tell you about it without keeling over,’ I said tartly. ‘Perhaps it’s time you grew out of your phobia about illness and hospitals?’
‘So, didn’t the operations cure it?’ he said, ignoring that.
‘No, they were more of a temporary fix while she got stronger. I hoped they’d be able to do something more, but then just before last Christmas they said they’d run out of options other than palliative care and as she got older and her growing body put more strain on her organs, she’d eventually succumb to some infection and …’ I stopped and turned back to my cake, carefully positioning a tiny baby in a cradle inside the marzipan crown.
‘Oh my God!’
‘But just because they couldn’t do anything more in this country didn’t mean that no one could, and there’s a surgeon in the USA who’s successfully pioneered an operation for rare cases like Stella’s. He’s agreed to treat her.’
Adam was still looking faintly green, but I had to give it to him, he persevered. ‘So when is this operation?’
‘It was supposed to be just before she turned five … and really I hoped by then there would be something in this country and we wouldn’t have to go to Boston. But she had a serious infection that weakened her in January and they brought the date of the operation forward to the start of November this year. I’ve been raising money to fund the trip and the treatment ever since.’
He got up and paced about a bit, brow furrowed. ‘This isn’t quite how I thought it would be …’ he muttered.
‘It isn’t quite how I thought it would be, either!’
Looking down at my slightly trembling hands, I found that quite without realising what I was doing, I’d neatly trimmed the edges of the cake. I popped it under a cover in Ma’s larder, in case Moses decided to investigate when my back was turned.
When I came back, Adam had regained some of his colour. ‘The thing is, Cally,’ he began portentously, ‘I’ve already told my parents that I’m mad keen to get back with you and that I hope you’ll give me another chance so we can slowly become a family.’
‘You’ve what?’
‘I told you I’d got a job and a flat and I was looking for you,’ he pointed out. ‘They’re desperate for grandchildren, so when Aimee let fall that they already had one, they were delighted. I mean, they realised it would take time for you to forgive me, and for Stella to get to know me, but—’
I was dumbfounded! How could he possibly assume that I’d welcome him back with open arms after what he’d done? He’d been so disinterested in the outcome of my pregnancy that he hadn’t even known if I’d had a boy or a girl, let alone about her illness. But because he’d suddenly decided he wanted to play Happy Families, he’d assumed I’d just fall in line at his command.
‘You must be quite mad!’ I told him, incredulously. ‘I didn’t even want to see you, let alone get back with you. You weren’t there when I needed you and now you’re a stranger to me and to Stella. The baby you didn’t want, remember?’
‘That was then and this is now: I told you I’d changed.’
‘You didn’t tell me you’d gone gaga, though,’ I said.
‘You should have told me about Stella’s problems when she was born.’
‘I might have done, if you hadn’t changed your email address.’
‘You could have got in touch through work or my parents.’
‘You’d made it plain that if I went on with the pregnancy, I was on my own. And you were sharing an igloo with someone else.’
‘I had a right to know,’ he said stubbornly.
‘You would have known if you’d stayed in touch and been supportive. It’s entirely your own fault.’
‘Well, I suppose there’s no point in splitting hairs at this point, and at least now I can help you raise the money for the operation.’
‘There’s no need, because I’m doing fine without you. I raised the bulk of it by selling my flat, and the whole village is rallying round to get the rest. Everything’s planned and I – we – don’t need you. And I don’t want you either, especially if you upset Stella in any way.’
As if on cue, I heard Stella crying. Sometimes she woke up a bit grumpy and sad, though it didn’t last long.
‘There’s Stella, I’ll go and get her up,’ I said, fetching her beaker of juice out of the fridge. ‘Come on, you’d better wait in the sitting room.’
‘Why is she crying?’ he asked, looking slightly alarmed and as if he’d rather fly the country than follow me.
‘She’ll be fine when she’s up and has had a drink.’
‘Perhaps I should come back later …’ he was saying, but I ignored him. He could please himself.
I gave Stella a cuddle and then told her she had a visitor.
‘I’ll just brush your hair while you have a drink,’ I suggested.
‘Is it Daddy-Jago?’ she asked eagerly.
‘No, not Jago. Do you remember I said your real daddy was co
ming to see you?’
‘Penguin Daddy?’ she said doubtfully.
‘That’s the one,’ I said with a cheerfulness I didn’t feel. ‘All the way from the North Pole just to say hello.’
I carried her through to where Adam was now sitting on the edge of a chair and looking as if he was in the dentist’s waiting room.
‘Here’s Stella,’ I said, sitting opposite on the sofa with her on my knee. She was not normally a shy child, but after one quick look at him, she turned her face to me and sucked her thumb, while fingering a strand of my hair.
‘Hello, Stella,’ he said. ‘Aren’t you too big to suck your thumb? And aren’t you going to come and say hello to your daddy?’
Stella stopped sucking and turned to give him a comprehensive but silent stare, from top to toe.
‘Mummy, I think he should go back and finish counting the penguins,’ she told me finally. ‘I don’t need another daddy.’
‘What did she say?’ he demanded.
‘Nothing,’ I said hastily.
‘I love Daddy-Jago,’ Stella explained helpfully. ‘He’s my Moominpappa.’
‘Jago? Isn’t that the man Aimee’s just got back together with?’
‘In her dreams,’ I said rudely. ‘We’re seeing each other, I told you.’
Well, that was certainly true because we’d barely been apart since he’d moved to the village …
‘I think you’re just trying to put me off,’ he said shrewdly, ‘because Aimee definitely said she and this Jago were engaged again, and you and he were just friends – and frankly,’ he added, ‘you seem to have put on a bit of weight and let yourself go, which is quite understandable in the circumstances, I suppose, but—’
‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘Jago thinks I look just right.’
‘Jago says you’re pretty as a princess,’ Stella said unexpectedly
‘What? When did he say that?’ I asked, flattered.
‘When we were putting the meerkat family in their caravan and I said Mummy meerkat could be a princess.’
Adam was looking baffled. ‘Meerkats in caravans? Is she all right in the head …?’
‘The man’s an idiot,’ Stella said distinctly.
‘That’s one of Ma’s sayings,’ I explained.
To give him his due, after this unpromising start Adam did make an awkward attempt to get her to talk to him, but she just gave him a look and went back into her bedroom.
‘I think I’d better go,’ he said ruefully. ‘I suppose she’s too young to expect her to accept me that quickly. Perhaps you could have dinner with me tonight, though?’ he suggested.
‘Stella doesn’t stay up that late.’
‘I meant just you and me, at the pub. It looks OK.’
‘I don’t think so,’ I said shortly.
‘Then maybe in the morning we could—’
‘I’m going out tomorrow,’ I said.
‘I suppose …’ He looked uncertain, then ran his fingers through his hair distractedly. ‘This is all a bit difficult. My parents will be ringing me wanting to know all about Stella and to be honest, she looks so frail and small that I need to think what to say to them … I mean, there’s no point in them getting attached to her if she’s having high risk surgery soon and—’
He stopped dead, warned by my furious, stunned face.
‘Sorry, it’s all been such a shock I don’t know what I’m saying. Look, perhaps I’ll just go straight back to London tonight and think things through a bit, get back in touch with you later.’
‘You do that,’ I said. ‘The later the better!’
When Zoë had collected the prinsesstårta, which she adored, I sent Jago a text to say the coast was clear and he came round.
Stella told him all about Penguin Daddy. ‘He was silly and his face crinkled in the wrong places,’ she said critically. ‘I told him I didn’t want him so he’s gone again.’
‘I expect he was glad to see you, though.’
‘I don’t think so, he didn’t even bring me a present,’ she said thoughtfully, ‘and he made Mummy cross.’
Jago, who’d looked gloomy since his arrival, seemed to brighten up at this.
‘Mrs Snowball’s invited us down to the pub for scampi in a basket – are you up for it?’
‘What, Stella too?’
‘Especially Stella. She said she’d cook early just for us.’
‘Do you want to go and eat your dinner in the Falling Star, Stella?’ I asked.
She nodded. ‘Jago, you’re my best daddy!’
Later, when we were back at Ma’s, with Stella tucked up asleep, I described Adam’s visit in more detail.
‘It sounds a bit of a disaster from beginning to end,’ he said, ‘though suddenly finding out about Stella’s medical condition must have been a shock.’
‘Yes: I’m hoping it shocked him right back to London and out of our lives, but I suppose if he decides he does want to try and build some kind of relationship with Stella, I’ll have to let him … but after the operation. Perhaps he could just write to her before then, to get her used to the idea.’
‘That sounds like a good option,’ he agreed, and then, since we were sitting together on the sofa, put his arm around me and gave me a comforting hug.
I was inspired by Adam’s visit to experiment with baked Alaska, which has a cold heart and a warm exterior, but found it quite tricky.
The man himself didn’t ring for several days, though he emailed to ask me a few questions about Stella’s condition and the operation in America. I suppose he felt better able to cope with it that way.
Then finally he phoned me again.
‘Look, I admit I didn’t handle it very well, but it was a shock finding out about Stella’s problems like that. I’d like to come back when I’ve got a weekend free and perhaps the three of us can go out somewhere together and make a new start?’
‘I don’t think there’s much point at the moment, Adam. She didn’t really take to you very much and it might upset her if you come back again so soon.’
‘I’m sure you’ve been poisoning her mind against me, that’s why she wouldn’t come to me.’
‘I’ve done no such thing!’ I exclaimed indignantly. ‘In fact, considering how you treated us, I think I’ve been jolly fair spinning her nice stories about you living at the North Pole.’
‘Well, I’m not in the North Pole now and she’s going to have to get used to me being back again – you both will,’ he said stubbornly. ‘I’m not free this weekend but I am the one after, so I’ll come up then.’
‘That would be a waste of time, because I’ll be too busy with the village fête. It’s the major fundraising event for Stella, so it’s really important.’
‘Then all the more reason to come and support you.’
‘I’m going to it with Jago.’
‘Come on, Cally, I know you’re not going out with him, so you can drop the pretence.’
‘You’re quite wrong – we are in a relationship,’ I insisted. ‘We’re just taking things slowly till after Stella’s had her operation, that’s all. And that’s what I’d like you to do, too – back off until she’s well enough to cope with having an absentee father popping in and out of her life.’
‘But I am her father and I’ve got rights,’ he said, as if that was some kind of clincher.
‘You’ve never been more than a sperm donor,’ I said, and put the phone down.
Aimee
Adam rang Aimee when he’d thought things over and said accusingly, ‘You didn’t tell me the little girl was ill.’
‘Oh, didn’t I?’ she said vaguely. ‘I could have sworn I had.’
‘Well, you didn’t and it was quite a shock. I had to tell my parents about it too, so I wish you’d never mentioned her existence to them in the first place.’
‘Yes, but she’s going to have an operation to fix whatever she’s got, according to Jago.’
‘It sounds so serious it could go either way. And there’s another
thing: Cally insists Jago hasn’t got engaged to you and that they’re seeing each other.’
‘That is so not true!’ Aimee exclaimed angrily. ‘She’s just an old friend he’s helping out with the fundraising for the little girl, because he’s so soft-hearted he’s a sucker for any good cause. There’s nothing more to it than that, whatever she told you.’
‘Maybe you’ve got it wrong, Aimee? The little girl was going on about “Daddy-Jago” too,’ he added broodingly.
‘Look, Jago’s been playing hot and cold about forgiving me, just to pay me back for ditching him, but it’s time he got over it – and I’m going to make sure he does.’
‘Are you sure about that? I wanted to go down and see Cally and Stella again next weekend, but she put me off because it’s some big fundraising fête and she’s going to it with him.’
‘Well, Jago put me off seeing him this weekend because it’s the little girl’s birthday party!’ she said.
‘What? Cally didn’t mention that – and I am her father, after all.’
‘Yes, you’ve a right to know,’ Aimee agreed.
Adam suddenly felt jealous: he’d been so convinced he only had to click his fingers and Cally would come running back to him. And the little girl … well, he hadn’t thought that one through. He knew nothing about children, but he’d assumed she was so small she’d probably soon forget he hadn’t always been around.
He’d always had what he wanted – and now he’d decided that that was Cally and Stella, he wasn’t inclined to give up that easily.
Neither was Aimee. ‘You know,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘I think it’s time I went down there and showed Cally Weston just who Jago belongs to.’
‘And I’ll go down for this fête, whether she wants me to, or not,’ Adam said.
‘So – we might as well go together then?’ she suggested.
‘OK, but I’ll pick you up – I remember your driving. We can stay in that pub in the village overnight, the Green Man.’
‘Agreed,’ Aimee said, thinking that all she had to do now was pick out her most stunning outfit and dazzle Jago back into adoring enslavement, while Cally’s attention was otherwise engaged …
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