That next morning I got up and dressed in clean clothes. I managed to unpack my suitcase and put my dirty ones in the washing machine, but I didn’t touch Major’s. I couldn’t bring myself to see his things and hold them in my hands. I knew some still smelled of him, and that if I washed them another part of him would be lost to me.
By noon I’d done two loads and proceeded to turn on the television. Still tuned to the sport’s channel that Major had watched before we left, the channel I’d always found annoying, I sat there watching. It was silly, but I felt close to him. When his favorite teams were mentioned I even talked out loud like he was sitting next to me. As long as I didn’t turn to check, I could almost picture him being there.
My doorbell ringing was both a blessing and a curse. I knew I had to stop watching the television, but I didn’t want visitors.
Vicki was standing there waiting to be let in. She’d obviously gotten home from Sicily and was coming to check up on me. She carried in an Italian smelling casserole and kissed me on the cheek immediately. “Hi, sweetie. I tried to call you earlier, but it went right to voicemail.”
“It’s been off since I got home. I’m not really ready for the slew of phone calls and messages.”
She reached the back of her hand up and stroked my cheek. “You look pale. Have you been eating?” Right away she opened the dish revealing red marina sauce surrounded by cheese. “I brought your favorite Ziti. I thought we could have some lunch and catch up.”
“Vicki, I-.”
“Mom,” she corrected. “You call me mom from now on, do you hear me?”
I nodded and smiled. It was honestly the first time I’d had a reason to do so. “Yes, ma’am. I think I’m having a hard time, that’s all. I keep hoping he’s going to walk through that door.”
“You know he isn’t, love. Trust me, I’d be ecstatic if my son in the flesh came barging in to prove me wrong, but we both know it’s not possible. I miss him, every second of every day, but I know I can’t dwell on his death. I’m a mom. I’ve got a family to take care of; a family to keep together in the midst of this tragedy. You’re a part of that too. This isn’t easy. It might not ever be, but we’ve got to keep living.”
I nodded. “I know. I’m just not ready.”
“If you keep saying that you’ll never be. It’s time to get up and accept what we can’t change, and embrace what we still have. Now, as my daughter-in-law I’m telling you to get us some plates and sit down with me for a meal. I can get loud if I need to, but I’m not leaving here until I’ve done my job.”
I stood up and did as I was told because I knew she would keep her word about raising her loud Italian voice.
A little while later we both sat across from one another with two empty plates in front of us. My stomach rumbled from finally filling it. Then we were sitting there with nothing to do but talk. This was where I should have pushed her out the door to avoid another emotional bout, yet I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her feelings, and I think she’d known that all along.
“I spoke with the family attorney this morning. He’s preparing the reading of Major’s will. Would you like to ride with us when we go?”
I stood to put the plates in the sink when I answered. “That was quick. Don’t they need the death certificate?”
“I got it before we left. I’m also going to need the key to his office. I know that’s where he keeps his life insurance information.”
I opened the kitchen drawer and pulled out the spare set. “Here, you can keep them.”
“Oden is going to start calling Major’s clients and letting them know what’s going on. I know he was only planning on helping out part-time, but since he’s out of college he could probably handle a few of the accounts. The rest of Major’s associates can take over the remaining workload. I’m just glad my son was so organized. He told us a long time ago where he kept things.”
“Did you need me to make any calls?”
“I’ll have my lawyer do most of it. It’s what I pay him for. Right now I just need you to take it one day at a time.”
“How do you do it? How can you keep going?”
“I told you, it’s my job. I have to forge forward, honey. The family would fall apart if I didn’t.”
“I admire your strength.”
She pulled me into her arms and hugged me tightly. “You’re all I have left of my son. I’ll do whatever I need to in order to make sure you’re going to be okay.”
Why her words were more healing than my father’s I will never understand. Why she could give me hope made no sense, but it was true. She made me want to get up off the floor and at least try. “I appreciate that, mom.”
She seemed pleased to hearing me call her that. “I want you to come to Sunday dinner at the restaurant. Everyone will be there.”
The idea of everyone including Vince made me not want to go, but I knew it meant a lot to Vicki. “I’ll be there. I promise.”
For the rest of the afternoon she sat with me and told me about what transpired after I’d gone. Right before she stood up to leave she went and retrieved her purse. “I almost forgot. There’s something I wanted to give you.” She handed me something folded in a tissue. “No tears. He would want you to have this.”
I opened the paper and saw his cross necklace he never took off. When I looked to her for answers she was already providing them. “We buried him with my mother’s rosary and a larger cross. My son wasn’t lacking in his faith. I saw the ring you put on his finger. They urged us to remove the jewelry before they closed the casket, but I left it on him. I know he would have wanted to keep it with him.”
I was a mess, covering my face to hide the snot running from my nose. I had to go into the bathroom and fetch toilet paper to clean myself up before I could respond. “Thank you. I’ll never take it off. I promise.”
If anything on this earth could have made me feel close to Major it was that cross. I put it on immediately and rubbed the shape of the cross with my thumb. “This means so much to me.”
She kissed me on the cheek. “I know it does, sweetie. Make sure you call me about riding together to see the lawyer, and plan on having dinner at the restaurant Sunday.”
When I watched her pull away from the house I finally had something I didn’t know I’d find again.
It was hope.
Chapter 15
None of this is okay.
“Thank you all for coming today. I know none of this has been easy. I’ve watched Major grow up, so I can only imagine how hard this is for everyone.” The attorney sat at the head of a long conference table. He read over his notes with a pair of glasses lowered at the bridge of his nose. I was seated next to Major’s mother and across from his oldest brother. His wife sat close to him, and it was obvious she was concerned for her husband. In all of my grief I hadn’t thought about the rest of the family and how Major’s death was affected them. It wasn’t just the siblings either. His older brothers both had children and Major adored them. He teased his God daughter Vivian that she’d be our babysitter once our children were born. I wondered what it was like when she heard the news of her uncles passing.
Then I looked over to Major’s youngest brother, Oden. He’d just graduated college, and had been working on following in his brother’s footsteps. That was all gone for him. Aside from our brief encounter on the beach, I had no idea what he was going through.
The attorney cleared his throat before beginning, bringing me back to why we were all in the same place. “I’m not going to keep you. I’ll just get to the point so you can all go about your day. This is a pretty simple breakdown. The property and all of its contents located at 695 Linthicum Trail Road goes to Bailey Ellis, yada yada, this is just more information on the contents broken down. Then it continues, as does the two vehicles and contents of the joint savings and checking account.” He flipped to the next page. “The property located at 401 South Wabash will be sold with the proceeds going to Mr. and Mrs. Anthony Valero Sr.�
� He skimmed through the document while I came to grips with what he’d just read. Major have left me the house. He wanted me to always have his home, even if something happened to him. We hadn’t talked much about death. I didn’t like to have morbid conversations, especially when I assumed we’d love a long life together. It never occurred to me that at any moment one of us could die tragically.
He fumbled through a few more pages. “Sorry, we had an appointment set for when he returned from Sicily to change over the new names. I had everything in a file waiting for the marriage certificate.”
I had to look down at my hands to prevent from losing it in front of everyone. It wasn’t like I had anything to hide from them. Everyone in the room knew what I’d been through.
“I have envelopes for each of his siblings, and Vince Gallo. In each of them you’ll find a letter and something he wanted each of you to have.”
He got to the last page of the folder. “Lastly, he wanted me to address his investments and retirement accounts. I’m working with his financial guy right now to get figures before I can distribute, but everyone at this table will get an equally divided amount according to the final figures once I get them. I hoped to have them before this meeting, but it didn’t happen. Generally speaking, I’d say you’ll have it by the end of the week. I’ll make sure my secretary calls and gets on their asses about it. Does anyone have any other questions? You know I’m always available.”
The room was silent. His father stood up, making a sound when his metal chair slid across the hard floor. “I think we’re done here. My son did well by having all his affairs in order. Thank you for helping us today. I’m sure we’ll be in touch.”
The two men shook hands while the rest of us got up and prepared to leave. Before I could get out of the building, after signing off on some paperwork and making a follow-up appointment, Vince stopped me in the stairwell. “Bailey, hang on a minute. Do you think we could sit down and talk for minute?”
“I have nothing to say to you, Vince. I was nice to you out of respect for Major. He’s gone now. You and I aren’t friends.”
“Please,” he requested in a low tone. “There’s something I need to say. There’s something I have to get off my chest.”
I put my hand up. “There’s nothing to say. Major is gone. My future is ruined, and as far as I’m concerned it’s your fault. I can’t forgive you, and I refuse to stand here and listen to anything you have to say to me.” I pushed him out of my way. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to get out of here.”
“Now that you know you’re financially secure, right? It’s so easy for you now to pretend like I wasn’t a brother to Major.”
I swung back around, taking quick steps until I was right up in his face. “I don’t want any of it without him, don’t you get that? Everything he left me is a reminder of what we’ll never have together. I never asked him to give it to me. We didn’t even talk about it. As far as you go, well, you aren’t his brother. Whether he felt that way or not doesn’t determine how I feel. You’ve been an asshole since I met you. I’m not interested in being near someone that brings me down.”
“Obviously he wanted you to be taken care of. That’s why he left the majority of everything to you. He loved you so much. He told me once that I didn’t know what love was. He said I wasn’t capable of letting down my walls.”
Was this guy serious? “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because, I don’t have him to talk to. If you’d listen to me for a second I’d tell you. Come on. Just let me take you out for coffee.”
That was it for me. I didn’t want his grabby paws touching me. “I’m not kidding, Vince. Stay out of my life. Don’t come to the house, and please lose our phone numbers. I’m not your friend, and I never will be. As far as I’m concerned you don’t exist either.”
I knew it was harsh. The old me wouldn’t have been so cruel. Perhaps losing Major had changed me. All I knew was that Vince was a connection to Major’s death. I blamed him, whether it was his fault or not. The sooner I got home and away from him the better.
I waited in the car for Vicki and Tony Sr. to take me home. They didn’t say much during the ride, probably because everything went the way Major had told them it would if an accident ever took his life.
It wasn’t until later that evening that Vicki called. I thought she’d want to check on me, but that’s not what the conversation was about. Had I have known she was upset I wouldn’t have started on her about Vince. “Mom, I know you said you want me at Sunday dinners, but I’m not going to be able to attend them with Vince there. I know how much he means to you, but…”
“That’s why I’m calling, Bailey. I wanted to tell you first.”
“Tell me what?” Was she retracting her invitation? Had Vince told them how I treated him in the stairwell?
“Vince came to us this afternoon to tell us he was leaving.”
“Leaving?” I asked. “Didn’t he just get home from Sicily?”
“He’s leaving the state. He’s selling the gym.”
“Did Major know? He never mentioned it to me.”
“We aren’t sure. He was quite emotional, but didn’t go into details. I think Major’s death has hit him hard. I didn’t have the heart to ask him what was in the letter, but I have a good feeling whatever was said hit a nerve. All I know is that he said he wouldn’t be stopping by anymore.”
“When is he going?” I didn’t care. I just wanted to seem interested, so she wasn’t upset with me.
“He says he’ll be leaving town to look at some places. He said someone already wanted to take over the gym on Moravia, so he just has the smaller one in town left. He says that one is managed well enough that he won’t have to be there. This is all so sudden. I guess I wanted to know if you knew about it.”
“No. Of course not. I’m just as shocked as you are.”
“Okay,” she said with a sniffle. “Please be there Sunday for dinner. I feel like I’m losing everyone. I don’t want you to think you’re not part of this family, because you always will be. I don’t care what a piece of paper says. In God’s eyes you two were married.”
“You are not losing me, Vicki. I love your family, our family. You’re all I have left to remember Major by. I don’t want to lose that. I can’t.”
“I’ll see you soon then. Love you, sweetie. Call me if you need anything.”
I ended up calling Vicki and backing out of dinner on Sunday, not because I didn’t want to attend, but because I’d been throwing up for two days straight. I couldn’t keep anything down, and my head was pounding something fierce. She seemed disappointed at first, but ended up stopping by later with a bowl full of fresh soup. She gave me some medicine and even did a load of laundry to help out. When I insisted she head home she refused.
I’m glad she didn’t leave.
That night I had terrible nightmares. I kept dreaming I was falling, but I never hit the ground or water. I just kept plunging down a never ending hole. I could hear Major calling out for me, but it was in an echo. Each time I woke up I was covered in sweat and clinging to my sheets. After the third encounter I went downstairs for a glass of fresh water. Vicki was sitting on the couch crying. She tried to play it off when she saw me, though it was too late. “I’m sorry, Bailey. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I do fine during the day. I keep busy. It’s the nights I’m having a problem with. I think being here makes it harder. Everything in this house screams Major to me. He was such a good boy,” she cried harder. “He never did a mean thing in his life. If anything he was too behaved. Now his brothers, on the other hand, they were trouble with a capital T, but not my Major. He had the heart of gold. You know, I keep asking God why he took him away, but I think I already know the answer. I think there are some souls that stay innocent. I feel like this life is just a test. If we make it through a certain point without sin we’re granted a free pass. Maybe this life isn’t the one he was supposed to be in. Maybe my son was meant to do something
greater up in heaven.”
I didn’t know what I believed. In theory it was a beautiful way to cope with his loss. “I think that if anyone deserved to be an angel it was Major.”
She pulled me close and sniffled as she began to calm down. “He was lucky to have you; to experience such a deep love before he left this world.”
“I’d give anything to see him again. He will always be the love of my life. Nothing will change that. If he is out there somewhere looking over us, we need to find a way to keep going. I don’t want to disappoint him.”
“It’s true. Major would want us to be happy. It’s all he ever wanted. You have to find a way to get past this. I’m his mother. I’m always going to have an empty spot in my heart, and I suppose you will too, except you can find love again. I can’t replace my son, but you can repair your heart.”
I had to peer away. “I’ll never do that. I don’t want anyone else.”
She ran her hands through my hair. “It’s going to take a long time. I can see you’re going to hold onto him for as long as you can. You’re so loyal. It might not be in the next year, maybe not even the next ten, but you will open your heart again. You’re too good of a person not to. No matter what you decide, you’ll always be my daughter.”
“That means everything to me, especially right now.”
Vicki and I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. Instead we sat up talking about Major. She told me stories about when he was little and the sweet things he did for the people around him. I knew in my heart I was making progress. In no way could I have listened to her when I first lost him. Day after day it was becoming easier to accept. He wasn’t coming back. All we had were the memories now, and I was determined to never forget them.
Chapter 16
Moving forward seemed like an impossible task.
It was difficult, but I managed to go back to work after three weeks. Even though my house was paid for, I still had bills to tend to and a life to live. Besides, it kept me occupied, whereas I’d be home day after day, rummaging through Major’s things, desperately trying to hold onto any part of him I was able to. I think for the most part I’d become numb. The pain was still apparent, but it was constant, making me used to dealing with it.
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