I caught the look Vince was giving me, and the sly half-smile that crossed his lips. He’d known I’d wanted to be the one to take him. I’d given him hope and I wasn’t sure what that meant exactly. Why was it bothering me so much to let someone else take him? Did I just want to be in control, or was it something else altogether?
Vicki stayed for a while longer. She was adamant about making sure the laundry and dishes were all clean. Then she had to sit with me until she felt little Trey kicking around. She spoke to him and told him how much she looked forward to meeting him. I felt like everything was back to normal, and that she wasn’t assuming things that weren’t happening. Now my only problem was figuring out my latest bout of protectiveness. I wanted to believe it was just because Vince made me feel like I wasn’t alone, so someone else helping him would take away from our time, but I wondered if that wasn’t the only reason. Deep inside there were feelings I refused to admit. Now that we were nearing another round of serious treatments, I think I was worried Vince wouldn’t be coming home. I was scared to lose another person I cared deeply for.
Once Vicki went about her way, I was left to face Vince, and the awkwardness between us. He seemed in good spirits considering he was about to leave to head to a place where he knew would be awful. “What’s up with you today?”
I popped a grape into my mouth and rubbed my belly, while facing him. He leaned back on the countertop across from me with that same smirk on his face. “Just something Vicki said.”
I tried to change the subject. “Have you always called her mom?”
He shrugged. “I guess. Most kids in the neighborhood did. She was everyone’s mom.”
“It’s sweet.”
“How come you need to be the one to drive me?”
“Vince,” I turned around and pretended to mess with the rag on the sink, even though it was folded perfectly already. “I just figured you’d want me to take you. We have great conversations.”
I felt his hand on my hips, but refused to turn around. I hadn’t been touched in months. Being pregnant and feeling pitiful all the time didn’t help. Vince cared about me, and a little part of me felt excited about that. His head leaned on my shoulder. He didn’t try to kiss me, or whisper in my ear. He was just there, pressing lightly against the back of me, while speaking. “We had a moment, why don’t you just admit it?”
I closed my eyes and tried to play this out in my mind. Major kept popping in my head in different scenarios. Some he was angry, but others he was happy I was living my life. I was torn. Nothing would stop my love for him, not even feelings for someone else. I’d never have what I felt for Major, yet whatever was happening between Vince and I was definitely something to concern me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just because I smiled at you doesn’t mean it was a moment.”
He rubbed my shoulders and stepped away, but kept his hands where they were as he spoke. “It confuses me too, Bails. I’m trying to fight it, but let’s be honest, you and I have something.” He finally dropped his hands and backed up until he reached the other counter. I spun around, finally able to look him in the eyes. “The way you’re avoiding the conversation tells me it’s true.”
I shook my head. “I’m just worried about your treatment. I’m pregnant if you haven’t noticed. My hormones make me emotional and confused. That’s all this is.”
“So,” he stepped forward again, shocking me. I placed my hands behind me and leaned all the way back on the counter. “If I tried to kiss you right now what would happen? Would you push me away?” He kept moving forward. His hands lifted my chin. My eyes filled with tears, but not because I was scared of what would happen. I was scared that I was about to cheat on Major. I was so torn. I moved my head to the side.
“Please don’t.”
His lips kissed over my temple. “I won’t play the time card with you, Bails. When I come home from my treatment I’m going to try to kiss you again. Maybe by then you’ll be ready to admit we’re connected.”
When Vince walked away I was out of breath. Never, in a million years, did I think that man could get to me. I’d either lost my mind, or something else was drawing us together. I wasn’t about to kick him out, because I knew I didn’t want him to leave.
In that moment I reached for his hand. We didn’t know if he’d recover. His time could be limited. The idea of him leaving this world gave me reason to respond. Life was too short. “You’re right. There’s something between us. I’m confused about it, so I don’t want to act on it. I need time. Right now my focus has to be on Trey.”
“I know.” We hadn’t let go of each other’s hands. Vince pulled me into his arms, and I didn’t fight him. He stood there holding me close without saying anything. The baby kicked and he felt it against his own stomach, letting out a laugh to acknowledge it. “That’s so cool.”
“I guess he wants to thank you too.”
“I’m scared, Bails. I’m scared that I’m going to love the both of you and not get to stick around to be a part of your lives. If I would have known this would occur, I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my life.”
“I was with Major. You couldn’t have known this would happen.”
“I should have taken better care of myself. I could have kept it from spreading.”
“You still have a chance. This new round of treatment could work.”
“And what will I have to offer you? I’ve spent my money on staying alive a little longer. I’m not even half the man I used to be. Shit, I don’t even know the person in the mirror anymore.”
“I do,” I replied quickly, moving my eyes up to meet his. “I know exactly who you are.”
His fingers traced over my lips. I closed my eyes and appreciated the way it felt to be touched. “I’m trying so hard to stop myself, but I can’t. Every second we’re together makes me want more. You keep me going. I’ve never felt this way in my life.”
When I opened my eyes he was still gazing at me. We were extremely close. I got butterflies in my stomach when I looked down at his parted lips. “Just one kiss, Vince.”
His lips were on mine, and that one kiss lasted a lot longer than I anticipated, but then it was over. Vince backed away and rubbed his face with his hands. He shook his head and laughed to himself. “Well, I never thought I could feel like a million bucks and a piece of shit at the same time.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and knew exactly what he meant. Had we disrespected Major? Was this wrong? Were we just too messed people reaching out because we were desperate for a connection? “Yeah.”
He tossed his hands in the air as if to give up. “Well at least it’s clear now.”
“What is?” I asked.
“My feelings for you. You see, I’ve always been a man who thought with his dick. Since it’s been out of commission for a while I’ve been messed up. That kiss; well let’s just say it was better than any encounter I’ve ever experienced. If the cancer won’t kill me, you will, and I’m going to love every damn minute of it.”
Chapter 24
Redemption isn’t always something we recognize.
Some people go through their whole lives thinking there’s no hope. I think for a long time that’s how Vince felt about his. He’d made a lot of wrongs. There was no going back. What’s done was permanent.
Maybe we were crazy. It was possible the last year’s events had changed us. Maybe we both desperately longed to hold onto Major, and we knew we could do it through each other. Maybe what we were feeling was only a façade.
I couldn’t explain what was happening or why, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. When Vince was around I wasn’t crying in pain or lonely. He’d filled a void. He made me smile. He’d given me a reason to hope for a future.
Sunday dinner was once a loud atmosphere full of people we knew and loved. The moment Vince walked into the room this time it was silent. They stared at the person they barely recognized. The evident changes told the truth before they began asking. Vince turned
to me and winked. I knew how difficult this would be for him. Since our kiss we’d not spoken about the feelings between us. There was too much else that was more important.
“It’s been a long damn time,” Vince announced loudly. “Go on ask me if I’m dying. Ask me why I didn’t tell anyone. I’m ready for you now.”
The questions began, and Vince answered every one, even when some people got overly emotional. It was hard seeing another person they all loved suffering and possibly leaving this world too early. I sat next to him knowing that no matter what they asked he’d answer. Vince was ready to stop hiding. He had a reason to want to fight. Whether I was that reason or not, I’d never take it from him. His strength would get him through this, and hope would lead the way.
After nearly an hour of digging into Vince’s head, the family seemed to calm down. He finally admitted to staying with me, but only until he found his own place. I had to swallow back the lump in my throat when I considered that happening. It was terrible how dependent I’d become on him, how much I wanted him close to me.
Before we left, Vicki pulled us aside. She wished Vince well during his treatment and made sure to remind me to call her if I need something while he was gone.
I think she was still curious to the dynamics of our relationship, considering there had been a time when I hated him with a passion. Now the only passion I felt was when he was close to me.
The ride home was different than the one we’d taken to get there. Vince was happy. He took my hand and kissed it, much like Major used to do. A part of me felt terrible for thinking about him in that moment I was sharing with Vince, but I suppose it was going to happen many more times, no matter how I tried to fight it. “You were right, Bails. I feel better. I’m glad they know.”
“They all love you. You should have never thought you could do it on your own. No one should have to do that. If I hadn’t gone to Pennsylvania you’d still be there, all alone.”
When we pulled up at the house and headed inside Vince didn’t say much. I was pretty exhausted and wanted to take a shower and put something comfortable on. The baby had been active at dinner and I was a little queasy. Before I made it to the stairs he was pulling me back toward him. “Hang on.” He just stood there staring into my eyes. “I just want to have a moment to think about when we’re apart.”
My heart was pounding, and I felt breathless with anticipation of what could happen between us. Was he going to kiss me again? Had I enjoyed the first one so much that I wanted another? Why couldn’t I stop this? “We’ve had moments you could think about.”
“Yeah, I think I need another.” He inched his lips closer to mine, his eyes closing halfway there, as if he was confident I’d allow it. I felt his hands coming up on my belly, staying there as if to hold onto both of us. I couldn’t refuse him. Our mouths collided and I was once again kissing Vince. Just like the first time, our tongues mingled and danced. It lasted until my knees became weak. When I pulled away, I watched his eyes slowly opening. “Good night, Bailey.”
I smiled and appreciated that he never pushed me for more. I put out my hand and took his. “I’d like something to think about while you’re gone too.”
“What’s that?” He rubbed my fingers with his thumb while still holding my hand.
“I want you to hold me, Vince. Can you do that, just for tonight? Will you lay next to me and keep me close?”
“Are you sure about that?” I liked how he wanted to double check.
He was kind to give me a second to reconsider. “Yes. I don’t want to be upstairs knowing you’re alone tonight.”
He sighed and then kissed my forehead. “Go up and get changed. I’ll be down here in my room. Make sure you strap on a chastity belt. I might not be able to control myself once we’re under the covers,” he laughed at his own comment. “I’m kidding. We’ll keep it on a friend level, I promise.”
When I got halfway upstairs I smiled. Vince knew I’d feel uncomfortable being in Major’s bed. He did know me well. It was yet another reason why it was so easy being close to him.
I stood in the shower for a while thinking about what it would be like to give myself to another man. Our blooming relationship was taking me by surprise. I struggled to know what was real and how much of it could have been from desperation.
I have to admit hesitating a few times when making my way back downstairs. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Vince. I only worried what else could happen that I’d be confused about. I didn’t want intimacy. It was about companionship. When I finally made my way downstairs Vince was sitting shirtless in his bed. He’d propped his head up with pillows and was searching through the channels for something to watch. He turned the volume down as I approached the bed. It was hard focusing on climbing in when I couldn’t take my eyes off his chest. Sure, he’d lost a lot of bulky weight, but he was still defined. Unlike Major, Vince didn’t have much hair on his body. I’d thought he shaved it when we first met. A lot of physique guys did. “Did the chemo make your chest hair thinner?”
“Na. I never had much.” He patted the spot beside him, breaking my focus. “Hop on in. I promise not to bite.”
I tapped on my mouth. “I’m not so sure about that.”
He crossed his arms. “I’ll stay like this the whole time if you want.”
I brought one knee up and then the next, climbing in beside him. “This is kind of weird, huh?” I asked once my legs were under the covers.
“We’re just two people sharing a bed. I could be naked. That would be weird.”
I shoved him lightly. “You better have shorts on.”
“Maybe you should check,” he taunted.
When I started to climb back out of bed he grabbed me. “Hang on. I promise I’m dressed. If I need to put a shirt on I can.”
I fell backwards and began to laugh. There we were, two grown adults acting like teenagers. Vince calmed down and placed one hand on my stomach after turning on his side. “I’m going to miss feeling this little guy kicking around. He better not come out until I’m home.”
I appreciated how much Vince wanted to be a part of my pregnancy. Our eyes met, and I was right back to the moment where we’d kissed again. “I think we should talk about Major for a little while.”
Vince shook his head and let out an air-filled laugh. “Are you scared what might happen if we don’t?”
“Pretty much.”
“Nothing’s going to happen, Bails. I like the idea of holding you tonight. If you’re uncomfortable we can forget about it. I’ll leave it up to you. Just know, I’m not the same man I used to be. When they took the boys I lost my desire to be intimate. Honestly, I’m afraid it might not work anymore.”
“They have pills for that.”
He stroked the side of my face. “I didn’t think I’d ever need it again.”
Hearing him discussing sex was making a part of me hot, one that shouldn’t have been responding at all. What I also couldn’t grasp was the fact that I wasn’t appalled at the idea.
I rolled on my side to face him and ran my hands through his steadily growing head of hair. “How can you want to be close to me when I’m carrying someone else’s child?”
“Bailey, it’s easy, because I love both his parents.”
I closed my eyes and accepted his feelings for me. “I need this treatment to work, Vince. I don’t want to lose you too,” I said while getting emotional. Vince scooted closer, pulling me against his chest. “I’m scared.”
“Me too. Trust me. I thought my life was over. I never expected you to walk into my hospital room and change things. Every day I spend with you makes me want this more. I wish I didn’t have to leave, but if it gives us more time I’m willing to do it.”
I wasn’t thinking about how the family would react to us. I honestly wasn’t thinking of anything but him being in my life. My feelings had come out of nowhere, but as his absence was getting closer I feared the idea of being without him, and I hated it.
Vince adju
sted his body so I’d be more comfortable. He held me close, running his hands lightly up and down my arm. “I’ve never cuddled. How am I doing?”
I let out a laugh in between tears. “You’re pretty good at it.”
It was quiet for a few minutes. “I’m coming back to you, Bails. I don’t like giving you false hope, but I’m going to come back to you. When I do we’ll try to figure out what’s happening between us.”
“Okay.”
Right before I closed my eyes and dozed off I heard him say something. “I’m okay if you never stop loving him, just as long as it’s me who gets to be there to pick up the pieces.”
Chapter 25
Did he really think I could leave so easily?
“I’m going to miss you, Bails. Don’t you dare go and invite another loser to stay with you while I’m gone. I don’t want to be replaced.”
We were sitting in the parking lot of the hospital. Vince insisted on going in alone, but hadn’t even opened the door to step out.
After waking up in his arms I didn’t want him going either. “I’ll hold your room, at least for a little while,” I teased.
Our heads were pressed together as we spoke. Tears streamed down his face, making me cry too. “If this doesn’t work we’ll try something else.” He kept rubbing my hands with his thumbs. “You make me want to live.”
“You’re going to be okay,” I tried to reassure him. “This will work.”
“Just tell me I have a reason to fight. Even if it’s a lie, I need to hear you say it.”
I nodded with his head still against mine. “You have a reason to fight. It’s not a lie.” I squeezed his hand. “I can’t lose you.”
He closed his eyes, but continued sniffling. I was losing it when he needed me to be strong. This treatment could determine his future; the one he wanted to have with the baby and me. Suddenly I didn’t care about what other people would think. In the past couple months something had happened between us that I was tired of denying. My love for Major was obvious, but I’d fallen for Vince too. How I could have such strong feelings for two men left me feeling crazy, but it was real. I was done pretending it wasn’t there. What was once pity had changed into something beautiful; something that could be more if we’d just let it happen. We couldn’t change the past, but Major would forever live in our hearts if we remained a team.
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