He turns around and smiles at me. “I’ve brought someone, Da.” He reaches out for my hand and I come closer, sitting next to him on the cold ground. “This is Kate.”
I smile and say, hello.
“This woman is something special to me,” he says, still holding my hand. “I don’t know what will happen between us, but I do know that she makes me happy.”
I feel my heart beating harder and I squeeze his hand. “Your son makes me happy too,” I say to his father’s grave. “He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met. He’s a good man and you have every reason to be proud of him.” I think of how true my words are and what a shame it is that Declan’s father doesn’t get to see the man he’s become.
Declan says a few things more and then I watch as he puts his fingers to his lips, kisses them, and places them on his father’s gravestone. “Until next year—God bless.”
He helps me up and we leave, heading back to the car. We don’t drive to the house. Instead he takes me to a cozy pub on the Northside, not far from where he grew up.
And then to my surprise, over a couple of pints, Declan tells me about his father. His voice is steady, chuckling at times over some of the memories. The times they shared a laugh together and how they used to enjoy playing practical jokes on his mother and sister Rachel. There’s another story about a trip to visit his grandparents in Galway where the car broke down and his dad and grandfather tried to tow it using a cow. “Can you imagine? I was only a lad, so they had me riding the cow.” As I’m listening to him tell these stories, watching him open his heart to me, I feel a sense of wonder. Of all the people he’s known, Declan has chosen me to share these memories with.
***
That night after dinner with Siobhan and her family, after everyone is asleep, Declan comes to me. I’m surprised when the door opens, but happily scoot over and make room for him in my bed.
He pulls me into his arms, his body warm and solid against mine. “I couldn’t stay away,” he murmurs into my neck, kissing me, sliding his mouth over my skin. “I tried, but I couldn’t do it. I’m not that strong.”
“I’m glad you came.”
He makes love to me and as we touch there’s a current of such strength flowing between us that it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Neither of us wants to let go and after the sex is over we both stay together, holding each other tight.
When we finally pull apart, he smiles at me. “I never told you what that Irish meant from before. Would you like me to tell you now?”
I nod, propping myself up on one elbow. The room is dark, but there’s enough light coming through the window that we can still see each other. “What does it mean?”
He puts his hand up to my hair, gently pushing a piece of it away from my face. “Tá grá agam duit means I love you.”
I meet his gaze, so clear and true, and I realize that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The absolute best. How did I ever get this lucky? What star was shining on me the day his path crossed mine? I want to tell him this, but when I open my mouth I can’t get the words out.
“You don’t have to say it back to me,” he says. “I keep thinking about what you said before, that you’re scared of being hurt again. And you should know this Kate—it’s possible I could break your heart or you could break mine. But what I’ve come to realize is that you’re not really alive until you love someone, until you take that leap of faith. I don’t want a halfhearted existence. Or a half lived life. I want to experience everything life has to offer and I want to experience it with you. I’m willing to take a chance on us, but you need to ask yourself—are you brave enough to do the same?”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
It feels strange, but good to be back in Seattle. Strange in the way it always feels when you come home after traveling far away and can’t quite get your bearings. I haven’t seen Declan at all since I’ve been back. I know he’s busy with work, but I also sense that he’s giving me my space. I miss him though. I miss him with an ache that I feel all the way to my soul. A part of me understands how crazy I’m acting. It is crazy and if I told anyone about it they’d tell me I should jump in his arms and never let go.
Instead I spend the first few days walking around in a daze. It’s like I’m on the verge of understanding something, something important and life changing, but I don’t know what it is.
And so I go on with my life. I go to my parent’s house and look at all their photos, listening to the fun details about their trip to Greece, feeling happy for them and glad they didn’t stay home for me. I meet Suzy and Lauren for dinner hearing all their Christmas stories and telling them about my trip to Dublin, how I even got to meet Bono. It all seems so normal, and yet everything feels off centered. It’s like I can barely get my thoughts together and I’m seeing the world through a thick fog. Even my first day back at work is just a blur of meaninglessness.
Friday night as I’m lying there on my couch trying to make sense of things, there’s a knock on my front door. To my surprise, I find Ben.
“Hi Kate,” he says quietly.
For a moment I’m too stunned to speak. I haven’t seen him since the night we broke up. Finally I invite him inside and he follows me back to the living room.
“How are you?” I hear myself asking politely.
“Everything’s...fine.” He pauses. “Listen, my trip to Peru got changed, so I’m headed down there in a couple of days. I thought maybe I should touch base with you. I won’t be back until February.”
“I see.” I’m surprised he felt the need to tell me any of this.
“You probably don’t even want me here, but I figured we should talk—you know?” He seems uneasy, standing there with his hands stuffed into his front pockets. “Did you have a good Christmas? I never heard from you, so I assumed you made other plans.”
“Yes, I went to Ireland.”
Ben nods absentmindedly, but then suddenly looks at me with a startled expression. “Did you just say you went to Ireland?”
“Declan invited me to spend Christmas with him and his family.”
“Jesus, neither of you wasted any time did you?”
“Don’t start, Ben. If this is what you came over for you can leave right now.”
“When were you going to tell me about this? Or maybe you weren’t going to tell me at all.”
“I don’t owe you an explanation. We’re not a couple anymore—remember?”
“I guess you and Declan are though, huh?” He walks over and pushes some clothes off my leopard chair so he can sit down.
I sit on the couch. “Ben, I don’t want to argue. If you were serious about what you said that night, and you want us to still be friends, then don’t make a big deal out of it.”
Ben closes his eyes. “You’re right, let’s not fight.” When he opens them he’s quiet for a few seconds. “It’s really over between us, isn’t it?”
“It is. You knew that though, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I knew.” He studies his hands. “So how have you been, since—you know, that night. Are you all right?”
“I’m okay. How about you?”
“It’s weird, but I’m okay too. It’s not at all like last time is it?”
“No, it isn’t.” As I’m sitting there with Ben a feeling of complete clarity washes over me. I suddenly understand everything. I understand why I’ve been in a haze, why nothing has made sense to me, and I realize that everything is going to be okay. I sit up straight. “Listen Ben, I want you to know something. I want you to know that despite everything that’s happened between us I’m glad we were together again. It really helped me.”
He’s quiet, taking in what I’ve just said. Then he begins to nod in agreement. “You’re right. It helped me too. Wow, this has been crazy, huh?” He looks at me with an amazed grin. “Don’t take this the wrong way Kate, but I’m finally over you.”
I grin back. “I’m over you too.”
Our eyes meet and it feels ri
ght. Like the air has been cleared and we can move on from here.
“So how long were you in Ireland?”
“Two weeks.”
“And you had fun?”
I think about my trip and how the word fun doesn’t even come close to describing the magnitude of it, but I say yes, anyway.
“Listen,” Ben leans forward in his chair, “I should tell you that I’ve sort of found myself involved with someone. It’s someone you know, actually.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say I really know Heather, she was just our waitress that night.”
He shakes his head. “No, not her, someone else. It’s...Rochelle.”
“Rochelle?” The floozy? I almost say out loud before I catch myself.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Ben says, with a laugh. “She’s not really my type, but we went on a date and had a good time. It turns out she’s been trying to quit smoking, so I’ve started helping her with that. Plus she wants my advice on how to improve her diet.”
I chuckle to myself, realizing that Rochelle probably is perfect for him after all.
“That’s awesome. I’m glad for you two.”
Ben gets up to leave. When we get to the front door he stops and turns to me. “Kate, I’m sorry that things ended for us the way they did. I never meant to hurt you. I want you to be happy in your life. I really do. I may be over you, but in a way I’ll always love you—you know?”
“I know,” I say softly. “In a way, I’ll always love you too.”
After he’s gone, I do something I haven’t done in a very long time. I get out my Blood Sugar Sex Magic CD from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, lie on my couch, and listen to the whole thing from beginning to end. And when I finally cry, it’s not out of sadness or regret. Ben and I had the best time. We were really in love once and I know how lucky I am to have experienced it.
I felt like he’d given me a gift when we broke up. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. By coming into my life a second time he’s released me. I’m finally able to open my heart to someone new. I’m not afraid anymore.
***
The next day it’s as if a fire has been lit beneath me. The haze is gone and everything is crystal clear. I feel inspired and alive and ready to take on the world. I start downloading all the photos from my camera, one by one, sifting through them with the biggest smile on my face.
Pictures of Dublin and an Irish Christmas.
It’s the pictures of Declan that have captured my attention the most. Declan with his beautiful smile. I feel inspired in a way that I haven’t in years, in a way that I don’t think I ever have.
I spend the entire weekend stretching canvas, mixing paint, manipulating the images in Photoshop. When Monday morning rolls around I get ready for work and it isn’t until I’m in the office that I realize what I’m planning to do, that I finally get it.
All the things that Declan has been trying to tell me for so long, I finally understand.
Greg is shocked when I inform him that I’m quitting.
“You can’t,” he sputters. “I just gave you a vacation and a promotion and a raise! Who the hell do you think you are? You can’t just walk out of here!”
“Watch me,” I smile.
Back at my house I study the bones of the pieces I’m putting together and I have this sense of rightness. I know I should be afraid. I just quit my job, and even though Declan told me he’d hire me, it’s not going to be much money. I’ll be forced to find work as an artist, and this thought only makes my smile grow wider.
The next couple of weeks are spent in a blur of activity, barely sleeping or eating. It’s like the outside world doesn’t exist, I’m so completely focused. Years of creative energy I’ve kept bottled up inside is pouring out of me.
There have been plenty of phone calls from Suzy, Lauren, and my parents. I assure them all that I am okay, that I’m doing what I need to right now. They all seem to sense the change in me and that I require this time to myself.
The only person who hasn’t called is Declan. Before I left Ireland he told me that he’s not coming for me again. That next time I have to go to him. I knew what he meant, that the next move has to be mine. And I know now that I want to go to him, I do, but I’m still not ready. I need to finish these paintings. I need to show him what he means to me. I just hope he hasn’t given up on us.
Finally when I’m ready, I call Anthony and ask him if his offer to have my own show still stands.
“For you girlfriend, always. I’m curious to see what you’ve been working on.”
I grin and tell him to come over and bring a bottle of wine.
***
I’m nervous the night of the show. Anthony and I threw it together quickly, and I’m worried it won’t go over well. I’ve invited so many people. I’m putting it all on the line tonight.
The pieces are good though—the best work I’ve ever done.
Tonight the person who matters the most to me is Declan. It’s been almost a month since our time in Ireland and I still haven’t heard anything. When I sent him the invitation for the show I wrote on it—I miss you, please come—but he never responded. I’m worried that he’s decided not to wait for me any longer.
I glance down at my white t-shirt and faded jeans and consider changing my clothes. Anthony was surprised when he saw what I was wearing, but I decided that I want my work, not me, to be the center of attention tonight.
“Actually,” he decides, checking me over, “I love it. You look like you don’t give a damn and that is so in right now.”
I smile, shaking my head. “But I do give a damn. I just want to be comfortable.”
“Well, we won’t tell anyone that.”
“You’re nuts,” I laugh, “but I can’t thank you enough for doing this for me.”
“Please,” he grabs my hand, “don’t you even say another word. I always said you were the one with the real talent and I was right. My jaw fell open when I saw what you’ve been working on. And let me tell you, my jaw is generally nailed shut.” He looks around at all my paintings. “It’s poetry. Pure and simple. It’s a love poem.” He smiles at me sympathetically and squeezes my hand. I’ve told him all about Declan and how I haven’t heard from him. “I sure hope he shows up to see it.”
“Me too.”
I spend some time alone before the show, walking around, gazing at every painting, and I realize that Anthony is right; each one of them reveals my heart. I can’t believe I’ve laid it out so clearly. The Kate from months ago wouldn’t have been brave enough, but this new Kate has finally learned a few things about life and love.
As the gallery doors open and people start mulling around I hang back, watching their reaction. And I’m relieved to note that it’s good. Most people are enjoying themselves.
When Lauren and Suzy arrive they both hug me, though Suzy’s belly is definitely getting in the way these days. She tells me how she’s been using the ‘Siobhan technique,’ which I told her about when I came back from Dublin.
“Siobhan is a genius!” Suzy says. “I only hope I can meet her some day and thank her in person. It really works. Let me tell you nobody gets in the way of a pregnant lady with an attitude.”
Lauren comes back after grabbing a glass of wine for herself. “These paintings are amazing Kate! Now I understand why we haven’t seen you in weeks. I never knew you were such a talented artist.”
“Thank you.”
“They’re for Declan, aren’t they?”
I nod.
“Any sign of him?”
I sigh. “Not yet, but the evening is young.”
“He’ll be here. I have a good feeling about this,” Suzy says. “He’d be a fool to give up on you so easily and he doesn’t strike me as a fool.”
I look around the room, hoping she’s right. The show started an hour ago and he still hasn’t arrived. I smile and wave at a couple of friends, as I walk around the gallery, saying hello to everyone. There are a surprising number of p
eople here that I don’t know. Apparently Anthony has done a decent job of getting the word out. I give my parents a hug when I spot them over by a painting inspired by the Christmas lights of Dublin.
“Kate, I’m so proud of you,” my mom says. “I should have encouraged you to stick with your art. I don’t know what I was thinking all these years. This is so right for you, Sweetheart.”
“Thank you. But I had to come back to it on my own.”
My dad takes a sip of wine. “Your friend Anthony just told us the art critic from Seattle Times is planning to stop by tonight.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.” I’m surprised. Anthony told me that he’d emailed her some jpegs of a few of my paintings, but we both figured it was a long shot.
When I see Anthony coming out of his office I go over and ask if it’s true.
“It’s true.” He grins widely. “And I have to tell you something else too. We’ve already sold two of the pieces and I have an offer on a third!”
I’m too stunned to speak. “That’s great.” I finally manage to say.
“This is one of the best first shows I’ve seen in a long time,” Anthony tells me. “Your stars are certainly in alignment tonight!”
“Yes, they must be.”
I know I should be thrilled that things are going so well tonight. It really does feel like my stars are finally lined up. There’s only one problem. The man who opened my eyes to the stars is nowhere in sight. I’m trying not to let it get to me, but it isn’t easy.
Fire Down Below Page 37