She was in the process of reaching for my oatmeal and I was holding my fork in a death grip. Staring down at her fat grubby fingers, disgust registered instantly on my face at the black dirt accumulating under her nails. An image of her scratching her ass all day floated through my mind and instantly I could smell Reynoo’s shit as if it were singed into my nose hairs.
The chatter in the cafeteria clashed against my eardrums sounding like the crunch of roaches as they echoed in my ears every night. No matter how many times I brushed my teeth each day, the dirty, charred taste of them still seemed to coat my tongue permanently from the night before. I hated the antennae and the fine hairs on their legs; they always got stuck in between my teeth and it’d take me all day flossing to get all the tiny segments out.
I was exactly one half of a heartbeat away from jumping off the deep end. Stabbing that fat heffa, and anyone else who dared take anything off my tray, seemed like the only logical solution. If I’d done what I was thinking, I was positive I wouldn’t have made it out of the cafeteria alive. Thank the Lord, Aeron decided to come over when she did. She offered me her own tray and within the next hour I was out of my shithole hell of cell and moved to hers. I should have known her kindness would come with a price.
“Why so quiet tonight, princess? You don’t wanna talk to momma?”
No, I didn’t. I wanted to talk to my fiancé. I wanted to talk to my daughter, Asia. “I’m just tired, Aeron. I’ve got a lot on my mind,” I quietly responded.
Satisfied with my answer, she put her arm around my waist and I lay quietly until I could hear the steady sound of her breath going in and out, indicating that she’d fallen asleep. Tears burned slowly down my face, soaking my corner of the pillow we shared. I cried myself to sleep, quietly asking God how I’d ended up in the hell I was in and wondering what I’d done to deserve it.
Hours later I was awakened by clanking and loud yelling.
“How many times have I told y’all bitches to keep it separated?” Officer Blakely was standing by the cell door.
She was a muscular, dark-skinned, mean-looking woman. Her face was always turned up in an ugly frown, like she smelled sour milk twenty-four hours a day and, as a result, her face was permanently scrunched up from the smell.
“I’m sorry, Officer,” I apologized, sitting up, quickly pulling the course blanket up to my chin. I clumsily bumped Aeron in the process and I already knew she was probably glaring up at me for interrupting her sleep. None of this was my fault and yet everyone was taking it out on me. I felt like a weak sapling bowed down under a ton of snow in winter with all of its leaves dying for sun and the roots desperate for warm soil. All of this pressure . . .
“It won’t happen again. I got cold and Aeron suggested I sleep in her bunk to stay warm.”
“I don’t give a fuck. You could tell me it felt like a northern wind was blowin’ up a polar bear’s ass up in there and I’d still tell ya keep ya ass in ya own fuckin’ bed. One more of these and ya ass is in solitary.” She turned and marched off.
“All that damn noise for nothing. Waking people up and shit. She need some dick or something up in her life. She’d be a lot nicer if she got her a good piece of ass at least twice a week. Who I gotta roofie or pay to dick her down?” Aeron threw a quick middle finger in the direction Officer Blakely had just stormed off.
Climbing over me off the bunk, she stood facing the mirror and started braiding her long, thick hair. She always wore two long braids that fell down either side of her head; they reminded me of Pocahontas. Man, my head was a hot mess. I self-consciously patted an itch in my own fuzzy cornrows. One of Aeron’s homegirls from a different unit braided my hair up every Wednesday or Thursday and all it was doing was making my mess grow thicker and faster.
“Aeron, I need to call my baby sister. Can you get me a phone call please?”
I felt like I’d switched places with Jada when she’d bug me for cookies before dinner. My tone begging and my eyes pleading. I had no choice but to be reduced to this level and, ashamed, I could only lower my head and wait for her answer. I clenched my teeth, telling the stupid tears that I could already feel starting to burn with every blink to go away.
I needed to find out where they had Dontay locked up at. I needed to talk to him. There were so many unanswered questions, like why he did what he did and why hadn’t he told me. What was I supposed to do; what were we supposed to do? Was he in some kind of trouble? He used to gamble; maybe he’d gotten in over his head and was trying to pay off a debt. There had to be a reasonable answer. I couldn’t accept the fact that he’d just throw me under the bus and think he could get away with it. On top of that I had no idea what I should consider saying when I sat before the judge. My trial wasn’t scheduled for another four months and it killed me not knowing when his trial was, or if he had copped a plea, had already been sentenced, or what.
“I got you, Mami. Now, give me a kiss and let’s go eat breakfast.”
I got up and gave her a small, emotionless peck on the cheek. Anxious to finally speak to a familiar voice again.
Chapter 3
War of Juarez
I dialed my little sister’s cell phone number and my heart skipped a beat as it rang. Other than the first time I’d spoken to her, it normally went straight to voicemail, so I was shocked and excited.
“Leslie speaking. Who’s this?”
“It’s me, sweetie, hey.” The sound of her voice brought tears to my eyes.
“Oh damn. Hey, Eva. I miss you so much. Are you okay?”
“I need to know where Tay is being held. Have you found out where they put Jada? I feel so cut off from the world in here. This court-appointed lawyer isn’t helping me worth a damn, and they seized all my accounts so I don’t have any way to pay for a better one.”
Leslie giggled on the other end and spoke to someone in a hushed tone. “Boy, stop. I’m on the phone with my sister.” She sounded so happy and completely distracted as she turned her attention back to me. “Look, I haven’t found out exactly where Tay is, but I heard he might be in the Clinton jail. You know Momma and Daddy ain’t want nothing to do with Jada. CPS took her, Eva. I’m sorry.”
My heart slammed to a halt in my chest. My baby was with child protective services? My parents weren’t shit. They were so Christian and so concerned about their reputation in the eyes of the community. When I was pregnant I’d asked for a few things for the baby and they blatantly ignored me. I’d never gotten any help from them back then and I damn sure couldn’t figure out why I was expecting it now. God might have loved me in spite of all my sins, but I sure couldn’t say the same for my own flesh and blood.
“Leslie, is there any way you can try to get custody of her? You are her aunt.” My voice strained as I tried to speak through my tears. “I don’t want my baby being raised by strangers. She doesn’t deserve it. I don’t even deserve to be here.”
“Sis, I tried. But I’m only eighteen. They won’t give me custody. I’ll think of something, I promise. I gotta go. Class starts in a few minutes. I signed up for summer sessions so I can get ahead a little in this college game. Call me when you can and I’ll fill you in on anything else I find out.”
“Okay, I love you.” Inside my heart was breaking into a million pieces. I felt hopeless as the call disconnected.
“What up, bitch?” a voice called out from behind me.
I cracked a half smile as Sayzano strolled over to me. She, I mean he, was one of the few people I felt safe talking to. All of the gay and transgendered inmates were housed together in a protective unit, but they were allowed to eat and come out onto the yard with the female unit.
“Hi, Say. I just found out my baby’s with CPS and there’s nothing I can do about it.” My voice cracked.
Sayzano grabbed me up into a hug and for a second I forgot all about my problems as I was faced with the bigger problem of suffocating between his huge fake breasts.
“Don’t you cry, baby girl. I know a couple
niggas on the outside. You give me a few days and we’ll work shit out. Okay?”
I nodded and Say held my face in between his large hands and looked me in the eyes.
“Look, we gonna go take out these cornrows and braid you up some fresh ones ’cause, bitch, you lookin’ like a hot mess, and Say ain’t friends with no hot messes. All Say’s bitches is thoroughbred, first class, top shelf, neck breakers. Shit, we make haters hate themself. So bring ya ass.” Say let my face go and threw his hands in the air dramatically before laughing.
I smiled for the first time in a long time and followed Say. I was momentarily blinded as we walked out of the building and into the yard. The sun felt different when I was feeling it from behind these brick walls. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t absorb its warmth. It was mid-July and nearly ninety degrees outside, but I felt as cold as January on the inside. As we approached the area lining the basketball hoops, I could see Aeron standing to the side, towering above most of the females. She gave me a worried glance when she saw me wiping my eyes with my sleeve. She covered the distance between us in several quick long-legged strides.
“Somebody been fuckin’ wit’ you again?” She was always quick to defend me.
“No, I talked to my sister. Everything’s fine. I’ll be fine.”
Aeron took my hand and led me over to a picnic table. She realized what she was doing and released it quickly. The guards were funny about inmates and body-to-body contact. I sat down and she sat on top of the table with my shoulders between her legs. She pulled a comb from her pocket and started to unbraid my hair.
“Yeah, A, you unbraid that bird’s nest and I’ma do it up real nice in just a minute. Say got some bid’ness to handle right quick.” Having said that, Sayzano put his hand on his hip and pranced off.
Say was busy looking for his boo, a skinny little white guy we all called Milan. He had to be the prettiest man I’d ever seen in my life. Eyebrows always arched and his long jet-black hair was always pulled back into a cute little ponytail. I’d never in my life been around gay men before and never had any idea they could be so feminine. The way that man sashayed around the yard, one would think he was on a Paris runway.
The couple looked so odd yet extremely happy together. Say was tall and chocolate with high cheekbones. I guessed he looked like a real queen on the outside, rocking wigs and makeup with those big pillow breasts. Say had once described a few drag shows that he’d done and I smiled from just picturing it in my head.
I pulled some fresh cherries out of my pocket that I had saved from breakfast and popped a few in my mouth. I munched silently as I thought about life before I was locked up. Dontay and I used to always go pick cherries or hit the Strawberry Festival in Pungo. We enjoyed each other’s company so much. He was my best friend. I was distracted from my thoughts and the show Say and Milan were putting on, kissing and cooing at each other, when I felt Aeron’s breath beside my ear.
“Mami, I want to tell you something and I don’t want you to get upset okay?”
What in the world did she want? To share me with another one of her cellies? Wouldn’t be the first time. Or wait, maybe she wanted to tell me that she’d found some other chick to make her plaything. I didn’t know why, but the thought instantly made me a little jealous. I squashed that emotion like an ant. I wasn’t gay. I was only doing what I needed to do in order to survive in this place. If she moved on it would be hell without her protection, but God would see me through it.
“Well, what is it?” I tried not to sound impatient.
“My ex works for the sheriff’s department in Virginia Beach. I asked her to run your fiancé’s name.” She spat the word “fiancé” out as if it were toxic. She hated thinking of me belonging to anyone but her. “She said she couldn’t find anything in the court system on a Dontay James.”
“What does that mean? My public defender said he was part of it. He and I were the only ones with administrative accesses to the system to make the kind of changes that were made.”
Her hands stilled in my hair and I craned my neck to look back at her anxiously, waiting for her explanation.
“Do you think he could have plea-bargained or gotten off? Never even gone to prison? That’s what I mean,” she replied, giving me a solemn stare down.
My mind was a flurry of activity as I tried to process a thought it kept rejecting. He wouldn’t. There was no way Dontay would do not do any time at all and leave me in here for years.
“Of course I’m sure. What you’re saying is unthinkable, unfathomable, unbelievable, un . . . un . . . I can’t think of any more ‘un’ words but you get my point.” My voice was getting raspy and it hurt to swallow past the lump forming in my throat. I turned back around, content with staring at a patch of clovers growing next to the bench. A ladybug slowly trekked across one of the clovers and I’d have given anything to switch places with her.
Aeron rubbed my shoulder compassionately and said, “Anything is possible when money is involved. Money is the un-doer of millions of men and women. Look through history; it happens all the time no matter the century or the currency. Money doesn’t make a person evil, it just shows us who the evil ones really are, sweetheart.”
Everything just seemed so overwhelming. Aeron’s hand was still on my shoulder and I could tell she was genuinely trying to figure out a way for me to get all the facts. That made my heart warm toward her ever so slightly. At least someone in here cared about me.
“Oh shit,” Aeron’s outburst broke my train of thought as she tensed behind me.
I looked up to see what had her on high alert. Lord knows I wasn’t ready for any more drama.
“Speak of evil and I guess it’ll stride on over and say hello,” Aeron snapped, focusing her attention on Juarez marching across the yard.
Say and Milan stopped chatting and posted up with their arms crossed and lips pursed up as they stood behind Juarez. It looked more like they were vogueing than protecting anything. I hid a small giggle at my two gay warrior guardian angels.
“What the hell you want, Juarez?” Aeron climbed from behind me to address her older sister. They were identical twins. Antonia Juarez was born five minutes earlier, so she claimed the title of being the oldest. When Aeron got caught she didn’t dare say who her accomplices were. Antonia, on the other hand, decided she wasn’t taking the blame alone. She was all too willing to take the witness stand and incriminate her sister for a lesser sentence. From that day forward Aeron never called her sister by her first name. Only by her last, to remind her that she was disloyal to her own blood. They were beautiful angry mirror images of each other.
“Hey, I come in peace this time. I just wanted to let you know I’d take good care of your, um, kitten when you get out of here,” Antonia replied, shooting a slick grin in my direction.
A visible shiver ran through my body at the cold and menacing way she spoke about me. I didn’t want to be taken care of by anyone, but I was sure I’d suffer a helluva lot worse if Antonia ever got her hands on me. Aeron bristled up and for a split second I thought she was going to go off and punch Antonia. But her release date was only a week away. She wasn’t stupid.
“What?” Sayzano jumped in angrily. “Who the hell you calling a kitten? Ain’t nobody got no damn pets up in here. You ain’t taken care of no got-damn body, and I suggest you back da fuck off before I go Cleveland bus driver on ya Amazon ass. I ain’t scared to hit a woman.”
The yard fell silent at Say’s outburst; everyone was anticipating a fight. Say started to go in before any of us could react. The guards ran over to put a stop to it before anything else could transpire. Say winked at me as he was being led to solitary, and Milan wailed like someone had just died. It became clear that it was all an act to diffuse the situation before Aeron got caught up.
Free time was cut short and we were all led back inside. Antonia shot me a look that made me feel physically ill. It would only be a matter of time before Aeron left and she got to me, and I had n
o idea what I could do to keep me from the hell that I knew was coming.
As we entered our cell, Aeron pulled me into a tight hug. Her sudden display of affection caught me completely off-guard.
“Don’t let my sister scare you. She’s always been more bark than bite. I promise.” She leaned back, still holding me in her arms, and winked.
“Well big or small a bite is still a bite; it hurts all the same.” I couldn’t bring myself to return her hug and stiffly tried to pull myself away, but she wasn’t ready to release me.
“Stop it. I’d give you a kiss to calm you down but I’m allergic to cherries. She isn’t going to do anything that you don’t allow her to do.” She nuzzled the side of my neck with her lips before letting me go. A myriad of emotions swept over me. Regardless of Aeron’s reassurance, the thought alone of Antonia scared the hell out of me, and I prayed God would see me out of this before I had to deal with that woman one on one.
Chapter 4
Model Inmate
Being locked up makes time drag. But, before I knew it, a week had flown by and Aeron was packing her things, chattering away and pacing around our cell in anticipation of being released in the morning. I’d still not heard anything else from my sister, and with Aeron leaving, the heaviness of my situation was starting to wear me down more and more.
“I just don’t know what the hell I wanna eat first when I get outta here.” Aeron was nervously playing with her hair in the mirror. I never realized how long it was until now. She rarely wore it out and I envied the way it fell like a black cloud around her shoulders in layers and stopped in the middle of her back.
“I think I’m gonna get my ass some salmon or a large cheese pizza. Hell, they can put the salmon on the damn pizza. Oh shit, and I can’t wait to pour myself a big chilled glass of Rosé or Moscato.”
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