by Cheryl Oblon
“I was a bit of a superior snob this morning. We’re even.”
“You know about my brother?” he asked.
“I know he likes men not women. He’s found love.”
“With the other prince?” Tantil asked.
I looked him in the eye. “Your brother will make a great king. The time will come and the rules will change. It’s hard to wait and to endure a more oppressive rule, but both our countries adopted the monarchy for good reasons. We must respect it.”
“You think I’m like my brother?”
I lifted a shoulder. “I haven’t pushed into your mind. I try not to with people I respect and who seem to tell me the truth. You’re also very confused when I just skim your emotions. Not confused, conflicted. Frustrated. I don’t know why, but if I can help, I will.”
“You can push through? You could violate my mind and know my dark secrets?” He stood.
“Yes.”
“You’re not afraid of me?” he asked.
“You’ve seen my powers in action. Do you think I’m afraid of anyone?”
He crossed his arms. “Yes. Everyone is afraid of someone. But you’re not afraid of me.”
“Fine. I fear my queen and want her approval. But that’s all. I’m not afraid of you,” I said.
He smirked. “Prove it.”
“Prove my powers?”
“Your mind reading ones. Tell me my secret,” he demanded.
I sipped my wine. No one had ever asked me to do that. Most of the tests were about powers that were dangerous to them physically. Could I push them over or pick them up with my mind? Most people didn’t want to think I was reading their minds.
“You’re sure?” I asked.
“You can do it to anyone. Why not me?”
Closing my eyes, I delved into his mind. But it didn’t feel male at all. Pushing past the confusion and frustration, I found a disconnect somewhere. He felt female. He envied my dresses and hair.
He wasn’t like his brother. He was in the wrong body?
I opened my eyes. “Your mind and body don’t agree. You feel like a woman. Which explains the constant confusion and frustration.”
He nodded with his jaw slightly slack.
“Can’t your medical people sufficiently alter your anatomy?” I asked.
Tantil smiled. “They already did. One time, I snuck into the medical records. I knew something was wrong, and I had little scars when I was young. They started giving me extra vitamins that Faldar never took. I didn’t look exactly like Faldar when we were little boys and would run around naked.”
“I don’t understand. You think your parents had you made into a boy? That you were born female?”
“The records say that I was born with an indeterminate gender. My parents chose male, of course. They needed a spare.” He paced slowly.
I rubbed my neck. “Genetic and physiological misfires do happen. That’s awful.”
“I’m not even sure I believe the report.”
I tried to help. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Your nature feels very female.”
“I fight it all the time.” He shook his head.
“You can have the surgery corrected.”
“In your country maybe. Here, no man would change. No male would give up the rights of men. We talk of gender roles, but in private, men love their status. No one would willingly give up that power to be a woman. And probably an infertile woman on top of it.” He scowled.
“Have you spoken to a doctor?”
Tantil took a deep breath. “No. They’d tell my father if I asked anything. Said anything. Keeping things from the king is a good way to get killed.”
“You’re his son. What about when you were in Lazrel? We have doctors, and they observe privilege with their patients.”
“I couldn’t risk it. If I’d been injured, maybe I could’ve asked some questions. Maybe.” He stared at me.
He wasn’t interested in me. He wanted my hair, my dress, and my jewels. I was relieved. He’d never be the man for me, but rejecting a royal prince might set off the king’s temper. Tantil had been intent on spending some time with me. There was no doubt about my heart or my choices, but offending him or rejecting him might cut short our visit. I still needed to track down my father. My orders from the queen were specific, and I didn’t want to fail. At least, with this, I could try to help Tantil and not ruin the entire mission.
“I’m so sorry. If you were in Lazrel, they could correct things the way you want them. Does Faldar know?” I asked.
Tantil hung his head. “No one but you and my parents. And whatever medical people, but that’s all. Honestly, I’d bet good money that whatever medical staff knew about me were killed.”
“That’s awful. I won’t tell anyone. I promise. How can I help?”
“No one can help. Maybe when Faldar is king, but seriously, by then, I’d be a bigger joke. I’d be a freak here. And if Faldar has no sons, I couldn’t dare. No man sits on your throne, no woman sits on ours. Bizarre, don’t you think?”
“I understand why my country made that choice. And there are only five positions men can’t have.”
“The top five,” he said.
“True. And there may be some women who want to go to war. There are some men who want peace and to take care of children. But history is a good indicator of how people will act in the future. Your country proves men like conquest. How many smaller nations have you taken over?”
He looked at me. “Many on the opposite border, away from Lazrel, so hopefully you wouldn’t find out. But you knew that when we visited you.”
“I did know about the conquests, and I was concerned. Why take over more people if you can’t feed them? If they’re small countries, their resources might be good or might be too meager to help. Your father is very set in his ways. I want to build a better relationship with you and Faldar for my country. We all want Faldar to be happy. I also want him to understand we’re not the enemy. If anyone can persuade the king that Lazrel is not a good target, I believe it’s Faldar. We may want peace, but if your father tries anything…attacks us—we won’t give up. We won’t surrender. Women fight as well and as hard as men. We’re just better at fighting to protect what’s ours than to take from others.”
He smiled. “Our women are the home defense.”
“See. Our men and women mobilized to protect our nation. It wouldn’t take long,” I said.
“You are protecting your nation while being so helpful.” He chuckled.
“Friendships are better than enemies. But even friends must have some boundaries.”
“You are my friend. I feel so much less alone,” he said.
“You didn’t even tell your twin?”
“No, she’d—no. I’ve always been jealous of her while she was jealous of me. What a messed up family.” He closed his eyes.
“It’s not a competition, but mine isn’t traditional or normal.”
He nodded. “I’m sorry. I forgot about your mother. Is your father still in the dungeon?”
“Don’t be sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. I can sympathize. My father brings shame on my family. My mother is gone. I wish I had siblings at times, but I have cousins. Lots of them.” It was true that I enjoyed my family, but wanting brothers or sisters was a lie except when dealing with my father. It’d be nice to have someone on my side and without my titles and limitations who could try and reason with him, but rarely did I really want more people to protect.
He laughed. “You wish your mother were alive, and I wish my father was dead. We are a fine pair.”
Of course, I wished my mother were alive. Who better to handle my father? She was stronger and could probe his mind like anyone else’s. Deep down, I knew I was stronger than my father, but he knew my patterns, my moods, and he could use them against me. I’d tried to do the same but, somehow, parents could still intimidate or shame their children without a wor
d. I needed to treat him like anyone else, but I couldn’t. Not in my head. Did I wish my father dead? I couldn’t say it.
I sympathized with Tantil so much, but I’d stayed too long. I felt so bad for this tortured woman in a man’s body, but there was a fix. There was hope. I had to do something. I checked that the door was locked.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing. Would you like to try on my gown? You’re fairly slender. It’ll be too short, but just to see how it feels?” I offered.
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh, I’m sure you’ve already tried on your sister’s things at times. Not that dresses make a woman a woman. Plenty of women I know don’t wear them. And if you wanted to grow your hair longer, you could. Our men do. I’ve seen plenty of your warriors with long hair.” I was putting too much historic pressure on the gender roles in trying to help.
“It’s not that. I’d love to. If I do, I don’t know if I could stop. I never let myself. Never break the mold they've put me in. I’m afraid I’d lose my mind if I let myself think that I could be female.” He balled his hands into fists.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to help. Other than for you to flee to the land of the fairies or some other country.”
“Fairyland is a myth.”
“No, it’s not. I haven’t been there personally, but I believe it’s out there. I’ve heard of some people from Lazrel being sent there.”
“If my father found out about me trying to change myself or about Faldar and that other man—the king has a temper. He’d lock me up for safe keeping. Faldar would be forced to marry some woman. They’d medically mix their genes and implant the embryo if necessary. He’d never admit defeat. And if your country tried to protect either of us, it’d be war,” Tantil said.
“You know him better.” I couldn’t disagree. The king only let Faldar stay because he was engaged. He wanted grandchildren. A monarch who bordered on dictator, the Bachal king wouldn’t easily let go of his crown or his ways.
“But, I can’t…” He sighed.
“Can’t?” I asked.
He paced, shaking his head.
I delved into his mind. “You can’t kill him.”
Tantil pointed at me. “Don’t even say it. I looked for openings. For Faldar and myself. He doesn’t know about me, but I know about him. He’s not the only gay man hiding in Bachal ranks. He could find another man and keep it a secret. The answers for him are there. Not knowing what’s wrong is harder. Maybe it should be easier for me because I’m not going to be king? Still, I tried. I asked crazy questions when I was little to my grandparents and doctors. I made up wild dreams to see if someone would slip and give me a clue about the truth. When I was a child and could get away with it, I even tried to get my mother and my father to admit they’d done something or that something was wrong with me. One time, I put on my sister’s crown instead of mine, and the servants nearly fainted. A crown is so strictly gendered?”
“You’ve certainly tried to find a way. Done your homework. Faldar can have a sham marriage with someone here. Conduct an affair on the side. As long as everyone sees what they want to see, it could work.” I hated the pain Remmy would be in, but I had no better options.
“I don’t have that option. I can’t hide and get what I want.”
I frowned. “Well, you could.”
He laughed. “You’re insane. You’re an optimist.”
I smiled. “I’ve been called both before.”
“What are you thinking?”
“Your sister isn’t overly endowed.” I gestured at my own chest. “The rest is very private. You don’t take off your shirt in public like some of the men anyway.”
“I take crap for that,” he replied.
“Listen to me. Your warriors wear a lot of leather straps. One of those could hide your breasts if they were similar in size to your sister’s. No one is going to see what’s between your legs but you and maybe a doctor someday. If you could get to Lazrel without your parents, you could have surgery,” I suggested.
“I’m not of age.”
“No, but they could analyze your DNA. Your brain chemistry. If it proves you’re a female on a genetic level, and the Bachal just got it wrong with the anatomy review, you say you’re psychologically tortured by this, and Bachal won’t redo it. Lazrel is very compassionate about these sorts of requests. They’d have to give you hormones, too, just to be sure.” I studied his chest.
He blushed. “Stop staring, please.”
“Sorry. I know it’s not what you want. You want to be free and female all the time. But being female here is sort of a demotion. It’s a compromise, but not a good one,” I admitted.
“Would you change?”
I shook my head. “That’s so hard to answer. I like being a woman.”
“If you didn’t. If you wanted to be a man, but knew it’d mean giving all that up. The power, the title, and all of it. Could you? Would you?” he asked.
I sat back in the chair and thought about it. I couldn’t imagine wanting to be a man. Not for the lack of ruling positions, but for the hormones they had raging in them. My powers gave me a sneak peek into the opposite sex.
“Those are two different questions. Could I? Yes, I could. My country and queen wouldn’t lock me up or attack me for that. I’d be out of line for the throne and couldn’t rule my house. It’d fall to a cousin to do both. But I could work, farm, or cut gems. I think I’d like the gems.” I studied my rings. “Designing jewelry.”
“Would you? Would you give up the power?”
“If I were as miserable as you feel? Yes. Power is pressure, and I can only handle what I’ve been handed because I know who I am. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes and fall down. But I know myself, and I try to do the right thing for my people. My family. I’m selfish at times, but then, I remember what I was taught. I don’t always think of myself. If I were in your shoes, I couldn’t stop thinking of what was done. The fact that you care for your older brother and his situation shows you’re very strong. I don’t think I could handle what you do every day. I would change, yes. There would be questions and some embarrassing conversations in Lazrel, but no stigma. So, I guess it’s easier for me to say yes.”
“You would be a great queen.”
“What? No. I’m not in line. I mean I am, but a lot of people are ahead of me. I don’t like to think about that.” I dialed back my overreaction and probed his mind. Was he in talks with my father? I found nothing.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just think LeFawn is immature. Minnette is selfish and power hungry. I don’t know them as well as you do, but I worry about the future. My brother will be a great king, but my father will probably live forever. Your queen is great, but her daughters are polar opposites and spoiled,” he said.
I couldn’t really disagree. “They have a lot of time to learn. You’d probably have said the same thing about me if you met me before my mother died. I did a lot of growing up in a short time. They have a good example in their mother, and when the time comes, I will serve Minnette.”
He grinned. “So loyal. But then, your queen is easy to be loyal to.”
I rubbed my arm where the contraceptive device had been implanted. She had her moments, but one day, I’d marry and it’d be removed. I hated that she hadn’t talked it over with me first, but somehow, I believed my mother would’ve approved. I’d been around so many strange men compared to my routine life of school before Mother died. Plus, I’d been so close to Nemal so many times. It actually was reassuring in a way.
“No one is perfect, but I’ll take my queen over your king any day.” I nodded.
“You want to go home,” he said.
“I do. I miss my life. My castle. My home. Even Minnette.” I laughed.
He chuckled. “I miss my brother. Perhaps we could go visit?”
“I don’t think your father would allow both of his heirs in Lazrel wit
hout him,” I said honestly.
“You’re right. Well, you should go before people begin to talk.” He headed for the door. “If you think of anything, I’d appreciate it.”
“I will give your situation serious thought and not share a word of your secret,” I promised.
Chapter 15
Nemal hadn’t liked all the time I’d spent with Tantil, so I focused on Nemal for the next couple of days. It gave me time to mull the situation. Tantil had unfortunately withdrawn after our talk. He was moody, sullen, and stayed in his rooms.
Of course, Nemal took that as a sign I’d rejected the other prince. His ego was satisfied. Men were competitive creatures. Tantil was stuck in a world in between gender roles and in pain.
I sat up late with the girls talking about other things to keep my mind off all the conflicts swirling in my head.
“Kimess, you look like you’re lost,” Zoma said.
“I miss home. I don’t feel like we’re doing anything here. If I could at least catch my father.” I frowned.
“I don’t know how you can turn him over,” Marel said.
I looked at her.
“But my father isn’t a traitor,” Marel added.
“Exactly. No room for divided loyalties. If my father were not loyal to his family or the queen, then he’s done.” Zoma tapped the table.
“You and Prince Tantil were spending a lot of time together. Now you’re not.” Marel tried to change the subject.
“I wanted to see how real people lived. I met Anela’s mother. Tantil didn’t like reality. I think he misses his brother, too. We’re friends, but nothing more.”
“She’s crazy about Nemal,” Zoma said.
He annoyed me, but I couldn’t get away from my attraction to him. Crazy about covered it.
“Nemal and Johey are focused on my father right now. I mean, we’re on good diplomatic terms with the king. No one has offended or goofed up, so it’s a matter of getting Father and sending him back. Then, fulfilling the fake ceremonial crap until we can leave.” I hoped once we had Father, we’d find a reason to cut the visit a bit short.
“When we’re home, life will be back to normal, and you’ll be fine. Maybe you should do a digital chat with Julianne? Or LeFawn? It might help,” Marel suggested.