by Anne Mather
And, in the event, her doubts were unnecessary. Although her bitter words had brought a certain tightness to his mouth, Ben soon recovered himself. ‘So,’ he said, ‘where do you want to eat? Here, at the hotel? Or in Cheltenham? Your mother seemed to enjoy the Heronry. I guess we could go there.’
‘Not like this,’ said Rachel quickly, aware of the shortcomings of a worn tweed skirt and low-heeled shoes. She had never been to the Heronry, it was true, but it was far too smart an eating place for her to feel comfortable dressed as she was. Besides, it was fifteen miles to Cheltenham. Much too far to go to say her piece.
‘All right. Where, then?’ enquired Ben evenly, starting along the pavement so that she automatically fell into step beside him. ‘Did you rule out the hotel?’ His lips twisted. ‘We could always eat in the car.’
‘Yes.’ Rachel bit her lip, weighing the disadvantages of their being completely alone in his car against the obvious advantage of not having to mince her words. Surely, now that he had proved his physical domination over her, she had nothing to fear? Or was she so weak she didn’t trust herself?
‘Is that an acceptance?’
They had reached the hotel and Rachel could see the Mercedes parked in the yard. Ben obviously didn’t intend for them to eat their lunch here. And wherever he took her, they were bound to be alone.
Expelling her breath, she nodded. ‘I suppose so.’
‘Right.’ Ben pulled the car keys out of his pocket. ‘I suggest we buy some sandwiches and a couple of cans of beer. Unless you’d prefer Coke. It’s all the same to me.’
They eventually bought some sandwiches and four cans of Coke from a garage shop in Lower Morton. Rachel was not so well-known there, and although she told herself she didn’t care who knew about their meeting, it was easier not to have to explain what she was doing.
It was nearly twelve by the time they reached their destination. Much to her surprise, Ben had brought them to Crag’s Leap, and he got out of the car for a few minutes and walked to the edge of the precipice, looking down into the valley below with a curious air of detachment.
For her part, Rachel stayed where she was, opening the plastic packs of sandwiches, and arranging them on the console between the two front seats. She’d bought cheese and tomato and prawn mayonnaise, but neither choice appealed to her now. She simply wasn’t hungry.
Her eyes drifted back to Ben, and she wondered what he was thinking. It was borne in on her suddenly that he might be considering jumping off, and although she told herself she was being stupidly imaginative, she was relieved when he walked back to the car.
At this time of day, there were no other tourists to enjoy the view. It was too early for sightseers, and too light for lovers. Which reassured her, somewhat, though she was not fool enough to think that what had happened at Watersmeet had made them that.
‘Cheese or prawn?’ she asked, as he came to take his seat beside her. He didn’t get into the car exactly. He just sat sideways, with his feet on the grassy sward outside. Which meant he had his back to her, his shoulders hunched over the arms he was resting along his thighs.
‘Nothing right now,’ he answered, lifting one hand to slide his fingers through his hair. The hand rested at the back of his head for a few moments, plastering the overlong hair to his neck. Then, with a strangely impatient movement, it was withdrawn, and he buried his head in his hands.
Rachel was dismayed. ‘What is it?’ she asked, her hands moving towards him almost automatically, and then just as quickly withdrawn. ‘Are you ill? Don’t you feel well? Can I do anything?’
Ben let his breath out on a long sigh, and then straightened. ‘Nothing. Everything!’ he said obscurely. He glanced at her over his shoulder. ‘Don’t look so alarmed. I’m not losing my marbles.’
Rachel swallowed. ‘I think we should get to the point of this meeting, don’t you?’
‘Oh, I do.’ Ben turned his back on her again, and stared, seemingly unseeingly, into the distance. ‘And I think I should start by telling you what I’m doing here.’ He paused. ‘Rachel, I don’t want us to get a divorce.’ Rachel was shocked. ‘You’re not serious!’
‘Why not?’ He continued to stare out across the valley. ‘We used to be happy together. We can be happy together again. Don’t say that you don’t want me, because I simply won’t believe you.’
‘Because of what happened the other night,’ Rachel burst out tremulously, and he nodded.
‘Partly.’
‘Partly!’ Rachel nearly choked on the word. ‘Ben, just because I let you have sex with me——’
‘You didn’t let me have sex with you,’ he broke in harshly, turning to give her a belittling look. ‘For God’s sake, Rachel, you wanted what happened as much as I did! All right, I instigated it, but it wouldn’t have gone as far as it did if you hadn’t wanted it, too.’
‘That’s not true——’
‘It is true.’ He was angry now. ‘For pity’s sake, Rachel, be honest with yourself at least. I didn’t rape you. I touched you at your invitation. And why did you offer that invitation? Perhaps you should ask yourself that?’
Rachel sniffed. ‘I told you why.’
‘Oh, yes.’ His mouth curled. ‘What was that excuse you made?’
‘It wasn’t an excuse!’
‘Something about making out for old times’ sake?’ He shook his head. ‘That was a come-on, if ever I heard it.’
‘And you’d know!’
‘I’ve been propositioned in my time,’ he conceded evenly.
‘I’ll bet.’
‘That doesn’t mean I’ve followed up on it,’ he put in grimly. ‘Like—Elena, for example. I never——’
‘Oh, please.’ Now Rachel pushed open her door and got out of the car, unable to sit still any longer and listen to him twisting the truth for his own ends. She didn’t know what his intention was in telling her he didn’t want a divorce suddenly, but whatever happened in the future, she refused to be lied to about the past.
It was surprisingly warm out of the car. The seasons seemed to be capricious these days: warm in April, and freezing cold in June. People said it was the hole in the ozone layer, and, short of another alternative, Rachel supposed she must believe them. In any event, at this moment, her body’s heat would have melted the ice-caps single handed.
‘Rachel …’
She was unaware he had followed her, until she felt the warm draught of his breath against her nape. The plait she invariably wore had slipped over one shoulder, and she thrust it back now, to protect her sensitive skin.
‘Rachel …’
He said her name again, stepping past her now, and turning, almost on the rim of the escarpment. In spite of the antipathy she felt towards him, her hands itched to haul him back. If he took an unwary step, he could pitch a hundred feet down into the valley, or else be tom apart by the brambles that grew in such profusion on the slope.
‘If—if you’ve brought me here to talk about Elena, I think you should take me back,’ she said, hoping that by taking a backward step herself she would encourage him to come forward. ‘I—there’s nothing you can say that can change what happened. I don’t know what you think you can gain by bringing it up now. We’ve been separated for two years, Ben. It’s a little late to feel conscience-stricken now.’
Ben sighed, but he didn’t move away from the edge. ‘All right,’ he said. ‘Let’s leave the problem of Elena for now. You tell me: why do you think I came here?’
Rachel thought about saying, to have some lunch, but she didn’t feel much like being facetious at the moment. ‘To see Daisy,’ she said instead, voicing her real opinion. ‘And to complicate my life even further. You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either.’
‘You’re wrong!’ Ben held her gaze with steady eyes. ‘I do want you. I’ve always wanted you. And let’s not forget what really happened. You didn’t want me.’
Rachel gasped. ‘I thought we weren’t going to talk ab
out Elena,’ she exclaimed bitterly.
‘We’re not.’ With an effort, Ben controlled himself, his gaze dropping briefly to her mouth. And when it did so, she felt as if he’d touched her. She was so intensely aware of him. ‘You didn’t want me, Rachel. Long before you decided to believe Elena’s lies about me. What was it you always used to say? You were afraid I’d give you another baby?’
‘With good cause,’ cried Rachel raggedly, and Ben sighed.
‘I thought we weren’t going to talk about Elena,’ he reminded her heavily. ‘If the girl was pregnant, it was nothing to do with me.’
Rachel shook her head. ‘I don’t need you to taunt me with how unhappy I was at that time,’ she protested. ‘You know why I couldn’t risk getting pregnant again. You don’t know what it’s like, losing something that’s become a part of you.’
‘Don’t I?’ His expression was pained. ‘Forgive me, but wasn’t it a part of me, too?’
‘It’s not the same.’ She shivered. ‘In any case, I didn’t stop loving you. Not then. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let you——’
‘—into your bed.’
‘And that was all that mattered, wasn’t it?’
‘No, dammit, it wasn’t,’ he swore angrily. ‘Rachel, how do you think I felt, being treated like some monster, whose only reason for wanting to be with you was to thrust myself upon you? I couldn’t live without you. You thought I couldn’t live without sex!’
‘Well, that’s what it looked like to me,’ she retorted, and then coloured when she realised she had indirectly brought Elena into it again, and Ben groaned.
‘What do I have to do to prove to you that I wasn’t making love to the girl?’ he demanded heavily. ‘Have you any idea how difficult it is for me—for any man—to prove he’s innocent in cases like this? I thought—foolishly, I suppose—that given time you’d at least be prepared to listen to me. But I was wrong, wasn’t I? You’re just as stubborn as ever. Even after what happened the other night, you still think I betrayed you, don’t you?’
CHAPTER TWELVE
RACHEL trembled. She knew she had only to say yes, she still believed that he and Elena had been having an affair, and their marriage would be over. And it was what she wanted, wasn’t it? she asked herself. After all she had gone through, why was she hesitating about taking this final step? She couldn’t be having doubts now. It was far too late for that. Yet her mouth was dry, and her palms were moist, and her tongue was uneasily silent.
‘Well?’ he said harshly. ‘Do we call it a day?’
Rachel glanced back at the car. ‘You haven’t had your lunch.’
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘You ought to eat——’
‘Why?’ He gave her a scornful look. ‘To give you more time to turn the knife?’
‘No.’ She wrung her hands together. ‘If—if you—didn’t touch Elena, who did?’
Ben sighed. ‘Hasn’t it occurred to you yet that Elena might have been pregnant before she came to work for us?’
Rachel stared at him. ‘No.’
‘I thought not.’ He shrugged. ‘But she was.’
‘How do you——?’ Rachel realised after she’d started how stupid that question was and rephrased it. ‘How did you find out she was pregnant?’
‘She told me. In confidence, of course. And, fool that I was, I believed her when she said she was ashamed and frightened.’ He grimaced.
Rachel gasped. ‘That can’t be true.’
‘Why can’t it? Because some malicious female decides to break up our marriage and you were prepared to believe her before me? Believe me, Rachel, it took some time for me to forgive you. That you’d condemn me on the evidence of a woman you scarcely knew!’
‘Not—not just on that evidence,’ said Rachel unsteadily, and Ben scowled.
‘You really believed I’d take that little tramp to bed?’
‘What else was I supposed to believe? You were in bed, weren’t you?’
Ben closed his eyes for a moment. ‘Elena was in bed. I’d been taking a shower. She must have heard the water running, and decided it would be a good time to put her plan into operation.’
‘What plan?’
‘Oh, grow up, Rachel, for God’s sake! You know what plan. If you were pregnant, without any obvious means of support, and you thought you could manipulate a situation to your own ends, wouldn’t you try it?’ His lips twisted. ‘No, of course, you wouldn’t. But less—shall we say, scrupulous—people would.’
Rachel tensed. ‘If that’s what you thought, why didn’t you say so at the time?’
‘I did.’ Ben groaned. ‘But you wouldn’t listen to me. It was far too easy to believe Elena.’
‘Then—afterwards——’
‘Afterwards, you wouldn’t even talk about it.’ He paused. ‘Look, don’t you remember how things were between us at that time? How strained our relationship was? My God, we didn’t sleep together. We didn’t even share the same room. Some days we didn’t even speak. You were in no frame of mind to believe any explanation I might care to make. You’d got it into your head that Elena and I had been having an affair, and you didn’t want to hear anything else.’
‘So—you’re saying you never slept with Elena?’
‘I’m not just saying it. It’s how it was.’ He looked at her pale face and then uttered a savage oath. ‘Oh, what’s the use? You’re so convinced you’re right, you simply won’t listen to reason.’
Rachel caught her lower lip between her teeth. ‘What I don’t understand is why you left.’
‘Why I left?’ Ben snorted. ‘I didn’t walk out on our marriage; you did. I waited ten days for you to come back and at least give me a chance to explain, but you didn’t. And, as far as I was aware, you had no intention of doing so.’
‘So you left.’
‘Yes.’ He raked an impatient hand through his hair. ‘I left.’ His lips twisted. ‘Then you came back.’
‘It wasn’t like that.’ Rachel was defensive now. ‘I’d needed time to think, to decide what I was going to do. I thought you’d still be there at the house. Maybe if you had been, I’d have listened to you then. But you weren’t. You’d gone. And as far as I was concerned, you’d taken Elena with you.’
Ben shook his head. ‘So we both made mistakes. The difference is, I’m prepared to forgive you for yours.’ Rachel swallowed. ‘That’s easy for you to say.’
‘No. No, it’s not,’ he denied angrily. ‘It’s bloody hard, actually, and it’s getting harder all the time.’
‘It didn’t ruin your life?’
‘It didn’t ruin yours,’ he countered. ‘I’m not the one who’s looking to marry someone else. I’m not the one who’s asking for a divorce.’
‘You don’t have to,’ she retorted bitterly, and he frowned.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You’re a man. What you do isn’t scrutinised the same way anything I do is.’
‘And what am I supposed to have done? Continued writing? Yes, I’ve done that. Been successful? That, too, through no fault of my own.’
‘What about the affairs you’ve had since—since you left?’
Ben lips took on a sardonic curve. ‘I suppose I should regard that as some progress,’ he remarked wryly. ‘At least you didn’t say since Elena. And, for your information, I’ve had no long-term relationships since we split up. I’ve wished I could care about someone else at times, but you’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted.’
Rachel took a backward step. ‘How can you say that? I’ve seen the pictures of you with other women. I’ve read articles——’
‘And when did you start believing everything you read in the papers? After all I’ve told you. Oh, Rachel, you make me weep.’
‘You’re telling me you’ve never been to bed with another woman? In two years! Oh, Ben, I may be naïve but I’m not stupid!’
‘Believe what you like. You will anyway.’ He sounded inestimably weary. ‘But don�
��t tell me you love this guy Barrass, because I won’t believe you. When we made love the other evening, I knew it was as much a new experience for you as it was for me. I never intended it to happen. I took you there, to the house, to tell you what I’m telling you now. Only things got—out of hand. I’m not sorry it happened.’ He rocked back on his heels and Rachel’s nerves, already shredded by the doubts he had invoked, were stretched to screaming pitch. ‘Hell, it proved to me you were still the Rachel I used to know, the Rachel I married. But—I guess you thought I’d taken advantage of you, and that’s why I didn’t force the issue when I came round last night.’
Rachel blinked, briefly diverted from the terrifying image she had of Ben falling. ‘You came round last night? But my mother——’
‘I came to the house,’ he amended softly. ‘But I didn’t come in. There was a Range Rover parked in the drive, and I guessed it belonged to Barrass. Then I saw the two of you come out and get into it, and I made myself scarce. In any case, I was so sick that you obviously intended going on with your relationship with him, I knew I was in no condition to state my case convincingly.’ He paused. ‘That’s why I came to the shop this morning. Not to upset you or embarrass you, but because I couldn’t take the risk that you might be seeing him again tonight.’
Rachel bent her head. ‘I’m not.’
‘No?’ He shrugged. ‘Well, I wasn’t to know that.’
‘No.’
Rachel lifted her head, and as she did so, another car turned into the parking area. It was apparently some tourists, come to take a look at the view, and although she knew she should feel grateful, Rachel wished they’d chosen any place but here.
Ben swore then audibly and succinctly. Obviously, they couldn’t continue their conversation now, and he kicked savagely at a tussock of grass, causing the ground beneath his feet to crumble dangerously.
Afterwards, Rachel chided herself that he had been in no real danger. Even if he had lost his footing, there would surely have been time to lunge for safety. But prior events had left her in a state of some agitation, and when she saw his feet slipping, she leapt forward and hauled him back.