by Carly Fall
She clenched her hands into fists and shook her head as she realized something in her had snapped. She didn’t have it in her to control her jealousy any longer, and right now, she was so shaken up, she didn’t care what she said or what happened after. The spring of bottled-up emotions had erupted, and as she turned to face him, the sick feeling of knowing she could very well crash and burn settled in her stomach.
“I’m tired of Harper, and I’m tired of listening to you talk to her.”
He stared at her a beat, as if he didn’t understand what she said. “Okay. Why don’t you call her, then?”
She sighed and rubbed her eyes, then set down her wine glass. “I don’t want to talk to her, either. I know that what I’m about to say is probably going to ruin everything between us, and you’ll want me gone, but at this point, I don’t care. I’m going to say what I have to say, and you do with it what you will.”
He still stared at her as if she’d grown two more heads.
Taking a deep breath, she continued, her heart thundering in her chest. “When we were in Los Angeles, the reason I told you that you and I couldn’t be together is because I had fallen in love with you. It happened so fast and so suddenly, it scared me, Connor. When I’m afraid, I run. I couldn’t physically run away from you, but I could push you away.”
He leaned back into the cushions, surprise evident as his jaw hung open.
She sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, regretting every last word she’d spoken so far, but she couldn’t seem to stop. “I know you’re seeing Harper now, and I’m sorry to say all this. I know it doesn’t make things any easier between us, but I … I just can’t pretend like these feelings for you aren’t there anymore.”
Hot tears stung her eyes as she gazed at him, then the heat of embarrassment warmed her cheeks. She grabbed her wine glass and retreated into her bedroom, the soft click of the door sounding like the final blow to her time at Operation Underworld.
Connor would certainly call Dedou and have her kicked out, or, if she was lucky, reassigned.
Then he and Harper could have a good laugh about the little lovesick vampire with no vampire skills pouring out her heart.
A light knock sounded at her door, but she didn’t answer. She didn’t need to see Connor right now or meet what she assumed would be his disapproving stare.
“Sami?” he called. “Can I please come in?”
Her stomach twisted with embarrassment as the tears fell and clogged her throat. Taking a deep breath, she went to the bedside and grabbed a tissue to blow her nose.
“Not right now, Connor. Please.”
She gulped down the rest of her wine as she sat down on the bed and kicked off her shoes, wishing she had just brought in the whole damn bottle.
“Sami, I’m coming in.”
The door opened slowly, and she wiped her face, unable to believe she hadn’t locked the panel. Her emotional outpour had apparently decimated any rational thought. Wanting to be alone and not securing herself in the room didn’t jive well.
He appeared, and as he met her gaze, she began to cry harder. Forget dainty little tears—she now sobbed, her shoulders shaking, and snot running out of her nose. It was the last state she wanted him to see her in.
As she stared at him, her body longed for his touch, for the special way he looked at her, as if she were the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. She trembled at the thought of his blood sliding down her throat, the way her body hummed as she drank it, the strength and energy it gave her.
She seemed to be unraveling right before his eyes, but she realized it wasn’t just her feelings for Connor that had her in such a state. Pain lanced through her at her mother’s death, but so did anger. She’d killed herself, leaving Sami alone. Visions of the way her father had suffered before he died flashed before her eyes as nausea set in. She wanted to scream, to run, to curl up in a ball and just escape the flurry of emotions that had erupted from her soul.
Dropping to her knees, she wrapped her arms around her stomach and curled up into herself.
“Sami,” Connor whispered, and she realized he knelt beside her.
He placed his hand on the center of her back and rubbed slow circles between her shoulder blades.
Her head spun, her stomach lurched, and she felt as if she were losing her mind.
“Come here,” he murmured.
He pulled on her shoulders, bringing her body upright. Then he stood and grabbed her hands, taking her with him. As he held her close, she collapsed against his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist, feeling as though she had found the one place in the world where she belonged, even though she knew that wasn’t her reality.
“Shh,” he said as he stroked her hair. “It’s okay.”
She shook her head. It didn’t feel okay, and it seemed like it never would be. This little episode revealed to her that she had too many issues to work through. Right now, she belonged on a psychiatrist’s couch, not pretending to be a vampire hunter.
“Come here, Sami. I think you should lie down.”
Her legs had just about given out, and she allowed him to maneuver her without a thought.
She found herself with her head on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around her tightly, holding her close. As she laid her hand over his heart, she began to calm. The storm of emotions seemed to be abetting, his presence a soothing balm to her troubled soul. She tried to feel bad for Harper, but she couldn’t because Connor was the only thing standing between her and complete insanity.
Time passed, and her breathing calmed. Connor said nothing as he stroked her hair, and she appreciated it. Tomorrow, her shame and embarrassment would only grow, but for now, he gave her the lifeline she needed.
Her eyelids fluttered closed, and soon, she found sleep.
13
Sami woke the next morning without any immediate recollection of the happenings from the night before, but the memories quickly resurfaced. As she opened her eyes and found Connor on his side staring at her, she wished for a large earthquake or a dinosaur to walk into the room and swallow her up.
He brushed the side of her face, then tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
“Hey,” he whispered.
She could only turn her lips up into a smile, but the happiness at seeing him next her wasn’t behind it. She simply tried to put on a brave face.
Why hadn’t she been able to hold it together last night? Why had all her emotions boiled over and made such a mess of an already delicate situation? Why had she thought she was ready to do something besides grieve for her parents after her mother’s death?
“Are you feeling better?”
“Yes.” The anxiety from the night before had disappeared, and now, she just felt the hot shame of humiliation. She’d made a complete fool of herself, and wished for that dinosaur.
“I need to know something.”
Shutting her eyes for a moment, she nodded. She didn’t want to talk to him about anything she’d said last night, but she did owe it to him after he’d been so nice to her.
“Did you mean what you said about me, Sami? Was that the truth?”
And … here it was. No good morning, hi, how are you … nothing. This would be the big talk about how he liked her, how much he appreciated her feelings, but he couldn’t reciprocate. She’d been here before and survived, and she’d do it again.
As she stared into those beautiful hazel eyes, stories about her being drunk last night sat on the tip of her tongue. She could tell him she’d had too much to drink, or that she didn’t even remember saying those things to him, but it wouldn’t be fair. Although the rejection would kill her, she had to be honest.
“Yes. I meant every word.”
Her name tickled her ears on a whisper, then his mouth met hers as his palm cupped her face.
The delicate kiss surprised her, devastated her with its sweetness, and warmed her from the inside out.
Tears pricked her eyes again, and she knew that what the
y did was wrong, yet she moved closer to him so they lay almost melded as one.
His lips moved over hers in soft, gentle strokes causing her limbs to tremble. She ran her fingers over his hair, the short strands pleasantly scratching her palm. She wanted him, all of him, and it was probably more than he was willing to give.
Their tongues met, a slow, passionate dance of lust and yearning as he ran his hand over her shoulder to her hip. His touch caused her breath to hitch, and a solid ache formed in her chest.
As if her body had become completely detached from her brain, she carefully settled her leg on top of thick thigh, wishing they didn’t wear their jeans from the night before, an agonizing barrier between his skin and hers.
Her head swam from the sheer ecstasy of his body next to hers, of his now fervent mouth claiming hers. As his hand cupped her breast and he kissed her neck, she knew she would lose control at any second. Any thought of Harper would disappear, and she’d only want to drown herself in all of Connor’s familiarity that she had missed so very much.
But she couldn’t do that.
She pulled away.
“Connor, I can’t do this.”
His nostrils flared as his gaze hardened, and she realized he was thinking back to when she’d basically told him to buzz off.
Cupping the sides of his face, she shook her head. “No, Connor. I want this, but I can’t do this to Harper. You were very kind to me last night, and I appreciate it. But, it’s not fair—”
Confusion crossed his face. “What are you talking about?”
“You and Harper. I know you’re seeing her, and it’s not right for me to step between the two of you.”
His mouth broke out into the most adorable grin she’d ever seen, his thick lashes unable to hide the twinkle in his eyes.
“What?” she finally asked.
“Sami, there’s nothing between me and Harper. I don’t know what gave you that idea, but I think of her more as a little sister than anything. Even if I did want something, it couldn’t happen. The girl is married to her job and she doesn’t have room for anyone else.”
Well.
Now more embarrassment flamed her cheeks. How had she missed that? Then, she remembered the conversation she’d overheard between the two a couple of nights ago, and now it seemed he lied to her.
Propping herself up on her elbow, she looked down at him. His face looked as honest as an angel’s, but she had to verify the truth. However, with her question came even more embarrassment.
“Connor, I hate to say this, but I heard you on the phone with her the night before last. You were talking about something wet and slick, and then you groaned, and you said you wished you were there. That sounds like a very intimate conversation to me.”
He stared at her a moment, then his lip began to quiver, as if he held back laughter.
Finally, his whole body trembled, and the loudest guffaws she’d ever heard rose from his very soul.
Turning to his back, he laughed until tears seeped from his eyes and ran down his cheeks. His face turned blood red, and he wrapped his arms around his stomach and also brought up his knees to his chest.
Apparently, she’d said something terribly funny, and as she waited for him to finish, she realized she probably had the whole situation wrong.
After what seemed like a small eternity, she couldn’t help but grin as she waited patiently for an explanation.
“Oh, Sami,” he finally said, turning toward her. “What did you think? We were having phone sex?”
Her smile faded, and she shut her eyes for a moment.
When she looked back at him, his stare had intensified, and the lust she saw there surprised her.
“I like real sex, Sami.”
Flopping to her back, she wondered how she’d misread a situation so badly.
“Harper was talking about going on vacation in Hawaii,” he continued, “which she’ll never do because, like I said, she’s married to her damn computer.
“A few years ago on my way back from South Korea, I stopped there for a day, and one of my marine buddies brought me to this out of the way massage parlor. It was hotter than hell in there, and they used oil. I was sweating because of the heat. That woman tweaked my neck and back in ways I didn’t think I could move. It hurt, but once I stepped out of there, my back had never felt better.
“The day before yesterday, my neck was bothering me from our flight. I told her about the massage place, and yes, it was ‘slick’ and ‘warm’ in there, like I said, and yes, at that moment, I wished I was there because my neck was killing me.”
Where was that damn dinosaur?
She stared up at the ceiling. Could these past twelve hours get any more humiliating?
Connor flipped to his side and placed his finger on her chin, giving it a gentle nudge toward him.
As she stared up at him, her embarrassment faded. So she’d assumed some things, and misread others. She’d lost it last night, an emotional breakage that she should have been aware would happen.
But, despite all that, she marveled at how much better she felt now that he knew the truth. It was as if a boulder had been lifted from her heart, but she still held anxiety over the whole situation. She knew that her revealing her feelings to Connor didn’t mean they’d be together. She had no idea what would come next, and she almost dreaded finding out.
“You’re really cute when you’re jealous,” he whispered.
She rolled her eyes. “Oh, just stop.”
He stared at her a moment, and her nipples hardened as a low ache in her belly let her know just how badly she wanted him.
For a moment, she thought he would lean down and kiss her again, but then he lowered his gaze to her chest. Could he see her nipples through the fabric? Did he remember gently cupping her breasts, his mouth on them? She most certainly did, and her heartbeat quickened at the thought.
“Why did you push me away, Sami?”
His voice came out soft, yet almost hoarse, as if thinking of her prior actions toward him caused deep emotion, and it pained her that she’d hurt him. She owed him the truth to help him understand.
“I was in love once,” she whispered as he met her gaze. “It was supposed to be an arranged marriage for me. He was a vampire—strong, sexy, handsome, intelligent, funny … he had the whole package going, and he was far more pure than me. He couldn’t go out in the sun, he could put humans into trance … he … he could do it all.”
“Arranged marriage?” Connor asked, his brow furrowing.
She nodded. “Yes. Remember, my mother was Muslim. Even though she had broken the tradition when she married my father, she wanted me to follow it, so she found Adam Naji. He was a heart surgeon in Los Angeles.”
“What happened?”
“We actually dated for about six months. He was very nice, but a bit aloof. My mother said he was like that with everyone, whether he was at work or socializing, so I accepted it. He was wealthy, and treated me wonderfully. It was like I had stepped into a fairy tale with my handsome prince.”
She recalled the charity events they’d attended, the expensive gowns she’d worn, the limo rides, the jewelry he’d stated she needed.
“I had gone into the relationship with the intention of making it work, and having a good, strong marriage as my parents had. I overlooked his reserve and did everything I could to make him happy. At some point, I found myself in love with him. Or, maybe I was in love with the idea of an ideal relationship. To this day, I’m still not sure.”
“What ended it?” Connor asked.
Sami took a deep breath. This was the part that hurt the most. “It was a week before we were to be married. He told me that he felt I wasn’t good enough for him, that no matter how many expensive gowns he bought me or how much beautiful jewelry I wore, I would never be good enough because I was almost human. He was one of those vampires who feel humans are below them. He called off the marriage, and I never saw him again.”
It ached deep within
her chest thinking about being cast aside simply for who she was.
“Wow. That’s a tough one to swallow.”
She nodded. “When I found myself having strong feelings for you, Connor, all I could think about was that a some point, you would think that I wasn’t good enough because I was part vampire, and I knew you had some uncertainties about my race. I was afraid that you’d hurt me the same way as Adam had, and for the exact same reason—because I was just a little bit vampire. To save myself from the hurt, I decided pushing you away would be best.”
He met her gaze. “I’m not like that, Sami. I had reservations about vampires because I didn’t fully understand them. And then all the lies you told … it was hard to trust you.”
She saw the pain she’d caused in his eyes, and hated that she’d been the one to put it there.
“I know, and if I could take them all back, I would.”
She stared at him, and he looked at the ceiling. What would happen next? Would he say that he forgave her? Would he lean over and kiss her again? Would they make love? She certainly hoped so.
“I’m going to go call Harper,” Connor said as he stood.
Those words fell around her like the cold, wet rain that pummeled Seattle on a regular basis.
“And not for phone sex. We need to figure what your Pedro friend has to do with all of this.”
She nodded and stared at the far wall, and waited for him to leave her room so she could gather her emotions once again. It was hard being open and honest with Connor, of feeling so completely exposed.
“Sami?”
She glanced over at the doorway to find Connor leaning against the doorjamb.
“Sami, I really don’t know what to say about everything you just told, except that I’m glad you shared it with me. It all makes sense now.”
With a fake smile, she nodded. When he left, she trained her gaze back onto the ceiling.
She had no control over Connor’s thoughts or feelings. Based on the kiss he’d given her, she thought maybe they could move back into a relationship, but who knew. Maybe he regretted it already.