I smile. “You must be out of your mind.”
“Give it to me,” he says extending his hand.
“No,” I say firmly.
“Freya, give me the receptor.”
I close my eyes for an instant and when I open them again, I have decided to trust him. I hand over the receptor. It’s not like he can use it anyway.
He takes the receptor from me and at the same time puts the gun he’s holding to my head. “What are you going to do now?” he says.
“I think I’ve had enough of your tricks for one day,” I say but I know that this will have no effect on him. He’s got a mission and I might as well accept it. I know what he wants from me.
I block out all thoughts and concentrate my being on one single point: the sensory receptor in Wudak’s hand. My temple starts throbbing right at the spot where I feel the cold barrel of the pulse gun. My ears start ringing and my eyes get teary but I won’t give in. I turn off my vision and my hearing, I repeat a single word, power, again and again. Then I feel a jolt go through my spine and I know I’ve made the connection.
Wudak drops the receptor and I see a raw red round mark across the palm of his hand. A burn mark.
“That’s the spirit,” he says as he spits on his palm. “Now try and pick the receptor up without touching it.”
The very idea of going through this mental hell again puts me off. I don’t have enough strength left in me. I take Wudak’s hand to look at the wound but he pulls away immediately. I have to remember that he doesn’t like to be touched.
“This will need some cleaning and bandaging,” I say.
“I will have it taken care of, no need for you to worry,” he says.
“I think I’m done for the time being. I didn’t sleep very well and I don’t feel like myself. Too much happening at the same time.”
“I understand, but you cannot forget. Time is running out.”
He walks me back to the hallway. Even from down here I can see that Finn is sitting on the floor outside my room. So can Wudak.
“Your friend is impulsive and has a lot to learn, but his heart is in the right place,” Wudak whispers.
“You talk as if you know everything about the human soul,” I scold him, “even though you yourself admitted to not understanding us all that well.”
“I might not understand the complexity of your emotions, but I do see through your intentions and reasoning,” he says as he walks away.
I pause in front of Finn. He looks up from his touchpad and greets me with a smile. I can’t turn him away, not this time. And even though I feel more tired than ever, using it as an excuse again will only make him suspicious.
I open my door and invite him in. “Where’s everyone?” I ask.
“Visiting what the Sliman call the Labs.”
“The Labs? Where’s that?”
“There’s a gate between doors 14 and 16. Barely noticeable if you don’t know it’s there,” he says as he sits down on the bed.
“Why didn’t you go?” I ask but I know the answer.
“You know I’ve been wanting to talk to you, Tick.”
There we go. I cannot say what it is exactly that I fear about what he has to say. This is Finn after all. We can talk about everything. What I do know is that I feel terribly guilty.
He invites me to sit down next to him. “How are you holding up?” he says.
I shrug my shoulders. “It’s all so bizarre, isn’t it? So much has changed during the past few months. Wudak just showed me that I can use the receptor without touching it.”
The information I offer amazes him. “You can really do that?” he says.
“Yes… well, I’m a long way from being in control of the process but it can be done, yes.”
“That’s good, Tick,” he says and takes my hand in his. “We can all use some good news.”
I notice the strain in his voice, the effort it takes for him to smile. Why haven’t I noticed this already? I should be begging him to share his thoughts with me, not hiding from him.
“Finn, what’s wrong? Tell me,” I manage to say.
“It’s that obvious, huh? Listen, Tick, I’ve been thinking a lot. About Daphne, about my promise to her. Remember that box I hid for her? I think I have to go get it and bring it to Damian like she wanted me to.”
This is not what I expected to hear. “It’s dangerous, Finn. You know that. You can’t get that close to the facilities. The place must be swarming with guards and sensors.”
“I have to give it a try, Tick. I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself otherwise.”
“It’s too soon, Finn. You have to give it some time.”
“I have. It’s been almost three months and Damian still doesn’t know.”
I grab him by both shoulders. “Tell him then. You’ll see that he won’t let you go.”
“I know that he won’t and not just because he’s worried about my safety. Which is why I won’t tell him.”
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” I push him back as I say this. Then I think about what he has said. “What do you mean he’s not just worried about your safety? What else?”
“The box itself,” he says.
“Why would he be worried about the box? He doesn’t even know it exists.”
“It doesn’t matter, Freya. What matters is that I have to get it because I promised I would.”
I almost push him again, but I won’t be able to knock any sense into him. He has been working this out for a long time. He’s not going to give up. Not with the box being only a couple hours away.
I have to do something fast. I throw my arms around his neck. “Finn, I can’t lose you,” I say. “Not like that. Not over something that can wait.”
I move in and kiss his lips. He’s too astonished to react. Then he runs his fingers through my messy hair and kisses me back. His kisses are gentle, patient, trusting. It feels good to be so close to him. I feel that this is where I should be. We belong together and he deserves all my loyalty for the rest of my life. I love him in a way that I will never love another human being. This is why such a cataclysmic shift in our friendship scares me.
Finn has been my sounding board for so long that the idea of us falling out over a failed romance terrifies me. Relationships fall apart, friends start to be bored with each other once they become lovers. The old books and movies show that happening all the time.
And then there’s Damian. I can’t shake the idea that I have failed him repeatedly ever since he saved my life. How can I disregard him completely?
“Where’s your mind off to?” Finn asks holding my face in his hands.
“I’m not doing this to make you do what I want,” I say.
“I know.”
“I still don’t want you to go.”
“I won’t.”
“Thank you,” I say relieved. “Finn, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Silly Tick, it’s okay, you never know what you’re doing anyway. We’ll figure it out together.”
I start crying and I can’t stop myself. He’s too good, too patient, too forgiving. My whole body shakes violently. I have nothing left in me. I have never cried like this and I don’t know how to stop it, how to conquer this despair.
Finn does what he always does, he holds me, comforts me. “Freya, I won’t go, I promise you. Stop crying, okay? You’re scaring me.”
“It’s okay,” I say. “This is good. I wish I would have done it long ago.”
“You did. A long, long time ago. When you were a baby.”
“Are you calling me a baby?” I say remembering Finn can also be a jerk.
“If it talks like one and cries like one…”
Words are no longer enough, so I pinch his arm.
“Now you’ve done it,” he says and I know that can only mean one thing.
“Stay away from me, you stupid boy,” I say but I am already laughing anticipating his fingers tickling me.
Finn laughs, too. “
I’m not going to do this to you,” he says. “Relax.”
“Just psychological terror, huh?”
He doesn’t answer. We hear steps down the hallway approaching fast.
“They’re back,” Finn says. “Let’s go see what they say about the Labs.”
He springs up to his feet. Every fiber in me wants to stop him from opening that door and letting everyone know he’s been in my room. I’m a despicable person. I have manipulated his trust in me, to control him, to prevent him from doing something I don’t want him to do.
I follow Finn to the hallway. There’s a lot of chattering going on but I can’t make out anything. The only thing I take in is the way Damian averts his glance from me a second after I enter the hall with Finn.
10
I wake up with the sensation of distant screaming in my ears. I try to open my eyelids but the pain it causes forces me to keep them shut. I sit up and rub my eyes before I attempt to open them again. It’s pitch black. I reach for the candle and matches on the desk but can’t find them. Then I remember about the receptor. In an instant, the room is illuminated. To my horror, I realize the screaming comes through the walls from the room next to mine.
“Pip,” I whisper as I snatch the receptor and run out to the hallway. I almost bump into Finn who’s already outside the room. By the time we open Pip’s door, most of the Saviors are out in the hallway.
I go in with Finn. Pip sits on the floor. She is deathly pale and has tears in her eyes. Finn picks her up and puts her back on the bed. I go to her and wrap my arms around her.
“What’s wrong, Pip?” I say.
“They’re coming. They’ll take me again,” she cries.
“It’s a dream, Pip. You’re safe,” Finn tries to comfort her.
“No, it’s not a dream. They are coming. The dark army is coming. They will make them come,” she says.
I touch her forehead. It’s burning. “Get Doc,” I say and a moment later Finn returns with him.
Doc examines Pip while Finn and I step outside.
“Is Pip okay?” Zoe asks.
“I think she was having nightmares. About the plantation,” I say.
“Is it possible she’s starting to remember things?” Damian asks.
“It’s possible, I guess.”
I should talk to Wudak about this. If what he did to Pip with the hypnosis is responsible for this nightmare, he should fix it. He says he wants to serve me after all. But maybe Damian is right. Maybe memories are starting to resurface. Wudak said he could help Pip through them. Either way, I need to discuss this with him.
“I’ll go talk to Wudak,” I say but Damian grabs my arm before I can take a single step.
“You’re going to do what?”
“I’ll go talk to Wudak about Pip.”
“You will actually go around the tunnels in the middle of the night trying to find a Sliman? You don’t even know if he’s here.”
“I know it sounds crazy but the receptor will guide me to him, I know it will.”
“You will stay right here,” he says and there’s nothing pleasant in the tone of his voice.
I pull my arm off his grip. “Pip is my priority,” I say.
“You cannot befriend Wudak,” Damian snaps at me. His face goes red, his veins start pulsing in his temples. He yells at me now. “Are you out of your mind? He is not your ally. He is not your friend. Everything he does, he does with an ulterior motive and wants something in return. Let him teach you how to use the damned receptor, but that’s all.”
The tunnels reverberate with his voice. He’s never been so loud with me before. Even back when butting heads with him was on the daily menu, he always showed a certain restraint. I feel like an idiot and I can’t come up with anything to say.
Doc comes out of Pip’s room. “Keep it low,” he says. “I just managed to get her to sleep. I think she had a panic attack brought on by a nightmare.”
“Thank you, Doc,” I say with quivering lips.
Pip looks peaceful and calm in her sleep. I kiss her forehead and wish her goodnight. Finn waits for me at the door.
“I should have said something to him,” he says. “He was way off base yelling at you like that. In this place. With Sliman all around. It doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s okay, I can handle Damian. You don’t need to run interference for me anymore. He caught me off guard but next time he won’t be so lucky.”
“Freya, you’ll probably want to kill me for this, but I agree with Damian. Don’t think you can be friends with Wudak or any other Sliman. We don’t know what their end game is.”
He’s wrong, I don’t want to kill him. I feel empty and lonely and I want to stay up all night talking to him. We did that a lot in the breeding village. Even in Plantation-8 we stayed up a couple times risking our lives. In the camp we talked endlessly during our midnight watches together. We talked in the forest gazing at the stars. We have talked about anything imaginable and I miss that sort of interaction. There never seems to be time for things like that anymore. Every time we are together, it feels like we’re stealing time.
“Try and get some rest,” he says. “You look terrible.”
“You really know how to flatter,” I say but I can already feel my eyelids getting heavy. I haven’t slept properly in days.
I watch Finn as he walks to his room and then I shut my door. I drop myself onto the bed, lying on my stomach. Then the door opens and Damian walks in.
I sit up and throw him an indignant glance. “I have nothing to say to you.”
“Good, cause all you have to do is listen,” he says and I immediately feel the urge to smack him across the face.
“You don’t ever yell at me like that again, do you hear me?” I hurl at him.
“I know you think I’m being unreasonable, unfair, maybe even insane, but I cannot stress this enough. Do not get cozy with Wudak, nothing good will come out of it.”
“You’re overreacting,” I say. “I know who Wudak is, what he wants, I’m not an idiot. I also know that for the moment he will do as I say.” I talk in the most calm voice I can muster but I feel a wave of rage build up slowly to a degree I have never felt before. His outburst has damaged something between us. Something that I can’t name but know it will not be repaired that easily. He probably knows it, too. That’s why he’s here.
“I wonder, do you believe the things you say? Don’t you realize he’s trying to gain your trust? It’s a plan, Freya. He knows I see right through him, that’s why he warned you about me.”
“So why did you bring us here then?”
“Because there is no other choice. I’m not saying he’s lying about the alien drones. He’s lying as to why he wants to protect us from them. The sooner we’re out of here, the better.”
“You can’t have second thoughts about this, you know that, Damian. Second thoughts lead to poor judgment, those are your words.”
“I’m not having second thoughts, it is what it is. I just need you to be on the same page.”
What he says makes sense. I know I’m not above reproach. I have been too quick to judge in the past, I have said the wrong things again and again.
“Of course we’re on the same page,” I say. “I trust you, Damian. I know you’ll do the right thing. Why can’t you trust me, too?”
He takes a couple steps and kneels in front of me.
“Don’t do this,” I say and make a move to get up.
“Please, sit down,” he says. “Hear me out.”
I decide to humor him. “You have five minutes, I’m exhausted and I might fall asleep any moment.”
“Good enough. I’m worried about you, Freya. You react without thinking. You’re on the defense a lot more than you’re on the offense.”
“That’s only true when it comes to you,” I blurt out and almost immediately realize the immensity of the mistake I have made.
He locks his eyes with mine while he thinks about this. “And why is that?” he asks.
“Let me see, because you are insufferable and infuriating?” I try to joke but I know he can’t be fooled that easily.
“You know what I think? I think you’re having a really hard time trying to come to terms with your feelings for me.”
Yep, there it is, we’re back to square one. “Please, you’re so full of yourself.”
“Running to Finn every time you want to stop thinking about me isn’t going to fix this.”
“Get out, Damian. Your five minutes are up.”
His expression changes from somber to downright mocking. “That’s your response to pretty much everything I do or say.”
“You promised you’d stop bothering me with all this,” I remind him.
“I would if I thought that’s what you really wanted.”
“We can’t have a relationship, I don’t know how many times I’ve told you already. Besides, why would you even want to? You’ve done nothing but despise me for most of the time we’ve known each other.”
“People can change their mind,” he says shrugging his shoulders.
“Okay, do you want to know what I think? I think you started projecting your feelings for Daphne on me the night she died. I’m sorry but it had to be said.”
I have touched a nerve. “Freya, do not repeat that ever again.”
“It’s true though, isn’t it? Guilt has overwhelmed you. It has changed you. We both know we wouldn’t even be standing here if it weren’t for her. But we can’t chase that pain away by pretending we mean something to each other all of a sudden. We can’t make this right, Damian.”
This finally gets to him. He stands up. “It’s pointless,” he says. “Nobody can get through to you. Just stay away from Wudak beyond the training hours.”
He leaves and the room starts spinning. I lie back on the pillows but I know I won’t be able to sleep. I have to do something to put my mind at ease. I get up, cross the hallway and knock gently on Finn’s door. I don’t wait for an answer, I never do.
He’s fast asleep and I can hear his breathing in the dark.
“Finn,” I whisper in his ear, “it’s me, wake up, I need to tell you something.”
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