by Heather Boyd
Lilly’s thumb attempted to rub a dent in her hand. “You could always marry them if there was a child.”
“I have no wish to marry. Those women join me in bed for a romp and nothing more. They would not wish to be stuck with my poor company for a lifetime.”
Giles thought he saw a tear fall from her eye, but she turned away to look off into the woodland track.
“You lied to me, Giles.” Lilly swiped at her face, but pulled herself up straight to look him in the eye. “You have dallied with someone’s wife. I saw you with Lady Cameron.”
“You know Genevieve?” Giles asked.
“They are my papa’s friends.”
Of course. Lord Winter had visited Genevieve briefly during their affair to offer his condolences at her husband’s fate, but he left soon after, if he remembered correctly. Giles hadn’t heard of Lilly’s existence then either, but then again, he’d had a hysterical woman to deal with. “Then you must know all about Lord Cameron’s accident.”
“Accident?” Lilly shook her head. “I don’t know of any accident.”
Irritated that he had to account for whom he bedded, and just as amazed that he wanted to, Giles cleared his throat. “A short while ago, Lord Cameron had an accident involving a serving girl and a very heavy skillet. The usual sad story. He was enamored of a new servant, and thought she should let him bed her. The blow knocked him unconscious. But when he woke, his every word, his every action, was changed. He is dangerous, Lilly. Lady Cameron feared for her children’s safety and her own. She needed help to have him committed. He currently resides in Bedlam.”
“How do you know this?”
“Cameron is an old acquaintance from school. I was a guest the night he tried to strangle his wife,” Giles murmured. “I helped take him away.”
“And you took advantage of her later?”
“Believe me, no one was taken advantage of. Lady Cameron was the one to instigate the short-lived affair. I will never comprehend what she hoped to gain by inviting me to her bed.”
“That still doesn’t make it right,” Lilly asserted, her disgust clear.
Lady Cameron had wanted more from him than just that brief affair, but guilt had already settled into his heart. Especially when he remembered Lord Cameron’s bewildered requests to see his wife after his incarceration.
Glancing at Lilly, he watched her tears fall unchecked and Giles knew he had seriously disappointed her. The past was beyond his power to correct, but what surprised him most was that he thought his heart was breaking too.
This was who he was. By his own choice, he had pursued every imaginable pleasure, dipped his wick wherever he could fit it. Yet right now, he wished it all undone just so Lilly would smile again. The greatest shock was that Lilly had a claim on his own happiness.
“How did I not know you were there?” Giles whispered, as if speaking low would banish the event.
“I didn’t want you to see me.”
Giles’ gut fell out through his boots. Lilly had never hidden from him before. She had always trusted him. “Lilly, there are a great number of things in life that you do not need to understand, and a great number of things that you should not have seen. That was definitely one of them.”
Her brow crinkled and he reached out a hand to smooth her skin, but she jerked away from his touch. Giles dropped his hand as she took a step away. His heart faltered in its beating and he feared it might stop.
“Are you ever going to allow yourself the comfort of a permanent companion?”
It was surprising how quickly a conversation turned from temporary bed partners to the future, but it was not an unnatural leap. Women tended to expect the fairytale, and Lilly was no different from the others. He hadn’t desired to marry any of those women, widow or courtesan. Not one had appealed beyond the moment pleasure ended. “I hadn’t planned to marry, no.”
Lilly nodded sharply and her body sagged. Giles caught her and held her still while she trembled. “Let me take you back to the house.”
“Not yet.”
“Do you want me to stay?”
“No. I am sure you have many other things to do today. It is fine.”
There it was. The word fine should be erased from the English language. Whenever a woman said that word, it was never true. Lilly had shut him out and she was well within her rights to do so.
His reputation was not just a reputation, but based on fact. She knew from firsthand experience too many of those facts. Every detail that might upset a gently-bred young woman paraded before her innocent eyes.
Dismissed, Giles stalked back to the house in a foul mood. She wouldn’t look at him again. He did not like being shut out. He did not like it one damn bit.
“Milord, shouldn’t you have stayed with Miss Winter?” His annoying butler asked as soon as he crossed the threshold of the house.
“I do not stay where I am unwanted, Dithers. Mind your own affairs,” Giles growled and had the satisfaction of seeing his butler take a step back.
“May I ask Mrs. Osprey to attend her?” The older man asked cautiously.
Giles looked back out the doorway as Lilly dropped her head to her arms. Damn. “Send Mrs. Osprey out,” he ordered and strode into his study.
Slamming the door brought no satisfaction. He threw himself into an armchair to consider his problem. He grew bored with a sexual partner far too easily. That was why he had bedded so many. Each affair started with the promise of more, but there was always something missing.
Perhaps he should stick to what he did best. Driving a woman wild with pleasure was his greatest achievement. Friendship with Lillian Winter was driving him insane.
These last few weeks at Cottingstone were the longest interval without the relief of an experienced bed partner. Yet Lilly, sweet, innocent Lilly, kept him hard all day.
It had only occurred to him once to leave and get some attention for his problem, yet since her overindulgence of alcohol, he couldn’t bear to leave. Only she could sate him, but that wasn’t going to happen. He would need something to distract him when they parted company again, perhaps an orgy of sex to cleanse away these disturbing feelings of possessiveness.
“Excuse me, milord,” Dithers interrupted from the doorway.
Giles turned his head. “What is it?”
Dithers danced in the doorway. “I thought you would like to know that Miss Winter has returned to her room.”
“Thank you, Dithers,” he turned away to stare at the smiling portrait of his mother. If ever there was a woman who could forgive him his sins then the late Lady Daventry might be the only one.
“There is another matter you should be aware of, milord. Miss Winter has requested to dine in her chambers this evening. Alone,” the butler added apologetically. “I am told she intends an early night.” Dithers approached his desk and placed a pile of correspondence on the corner.
“Of course. I will eat in here. Send a fresh bottle of brandy with the meal.” Giles slumped and planned for his return to London. He was not looking forward to the trip.
“Milord, is there anything I can help you with?”
“Go away, Dithers.”
Filled with churning restlessness, Giles walked to the window and stood staring out at the beautiful grounds. But he did not see them. His friendship with Lilly couldn’t be over. He—
Giles clutched at his chest. The thought of leaving Lilly did not make him happy. He paced across the room, struggling to know what to do about Lilly. He wanted her to forgive him. He wanted her to like him as he was, but he didn’t think it possible.
Upstairs was a pure-as-snow virgin. She had seen him with multiple partners. He did not blame her for hiding away from him. He had believed she might have been falling in love with him before today’s questions, but the shock of their frank talk would no doubt kill any tender feelings she might have for him. He thumped the chair as he passed it.
He would not get to see Lilly tonight, and Giles was already on edge. He wanted to
touch her smooth skin and run his hands down those soft white legs, to soften her muscles, when doing so only heightened his desires.
Giles was erect from the very image. He ran his hand down his chest and stroked over his raging cock, feeling more blood rush to it. He was hungry. He wanted to sink deep into Lilly’s frail body and give her as much pleasure as she could handle.
He promised himself to be so careful, to keep his weight from crushing her, just so long as she would wrap those slender legs around him and let him come deep inside.
Giles was so caught up in the fantasy that, at first, he failed to notice what he dreamed of doing. But when he did, he managed to shock himself. He never spent his release inside a woman. He wanted no guilt or consequences after their games, but the very thought of pulling from Lilly’s body and denying himself the pleasure of sharing a release with her turned his gut in knots.
~ * ~
The house was quiet, the night as black as pitch, but Lilly couldn’t sleep for missing Giles. It was sometime after three in the morning. The big clock downstairs had chimed the hour a short while ago, keeping vigil with her swirling thoughts.
She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to think. Lilly also didn’t know whether to believe Giles about Lord and Lady Cameron. Rolling over for the hundredth time, Lilly thumped the pillow, hoping to entice it to send her to sleep. The thumping didn’t help.
Nothing did.
In the darkness of her room, Lilly thought of Giles. His care, his affection, and the precious gift of his conversation. He gained nothing by lying to her. In fact, he should be deliriously happy that Lilly had turned away from him voluntarily. Yet earlier, Mrs. Osprey had loudly confided that he hadn’t eaten any dinner and was drinking steadily.
Mrs. Osprey, it seemed, had a fanciful idea of them being a couple, and that the betrothal agreement hadn’t ended all those years ago. She’d hinted that they were intended for each other and a rosy future of love, and largely hinted at children rushing about Cottingstone.
The housekeeper was wrong about that. Giles didn’t want anything beyond the thrill of pleasure. He certainly didn’t want a wife or children in his future.
All that remained was the possibility of taking a place as his temporary bed partner. Yet despite Lilly’s desire for Giles, it didn’t mean she should surrender to these intense feelings. It didn’t help her accept a place among the hundreds of women who’d come before.
All of those lovers had names, some of which she knew. That thought made her insides burn with jealousy and fear. There was no way that Lilly could measure up to the scores of experienced women in Giles’ past. She simply wouldn’t rank.
Lilly sat up and her movements disturbed Atticus. The wolfhound had borne with her agitation all night, but now slunk from the bed and headed to the closed door. Muttering an apology, she cracked the door for him and he hurried off into the dark house.
Lilly went too, creeping along the hall until she found Giles’ door. It wasn’t locked and it opened quietly so she could slip inside.
She needn’t have bothered being quiet. Giles was snoring in his clothes, spread sideways on his bed, and the sickly scent of brandy assaulted her when she got close.
She gagged and took a step back. Mrs. Osprey hadn’t lied about the drinking.
Giles rolled, arm reaching out toward her in sleep. Her insides clenched tight. She wanted him—even in this state. Shaking her head, Lilly retraced her steps and returned to the privacy of her room. Giles did desire her and he’d kissed her on the lips. That kind of kissing was something she had never seen him do before.
Did that mean she held a special place in his heart?
There was only one way to find out – if she was brave enough to take a risk.
Chapter Sixteen
How long had it been since Lilly had tried to sneak anywhere undetected? If she wasn’t so nervous, so fraught with doubt about her decision, she might have tried to figure it out. But she was inches away from Giles’ study door.
He was in there—she knew it. She could hear him speaking, clipped orders in a tone unlike any she’d heard before. He practically snarled about the absence of his brandy decanter.
The butler rushed from the room, startling Lilly so badly by his fast approach that she jumped back a step. Dithers captured her arm and held her upright. “My apologies, Miss Winter,” he whispered, casting a harried look to the room behind.
“I’m quite all right, Dithers.”
He smiled and released her, hovering close a moment as if thinking she might faint yet. “I am so very pleased to hear it.” He glanced at the study door, pursed his lips and then turned back to Lilly. “May I ask an impertinent question? I, on behalf of the household staff, would be interested to know if you might be dining with the master this evening. Purely in the interests of providing efficient service, of course.”
Oh, he was just as bad as the housekeeper—another matchmaker full of fanciful notions. And another to be disappointed when the inevitable conclusion to her visit arrived. Did he blame her for his master’s bad mood?
Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded. The butler relaxed, a broad smile crossing his features before he stifled the expression.
Without another word, he bowed and hurried off towards the servants’ stairs. Lilly waited until the house grew quiet again to be sure she wouldn’t be seen, then she eased close to the opening, ignoring the ache of her neck, to peek around the frame.
Giles stood at the window, his back to the door. She gazed upon his broad-shouldered profile to her heart’s content. His hair was as messy as always, but his clothes were neat. For a change, he did not look as if he had just risen from some woman’s bed.
He hadn’t been in hers and she had missed him last night, missed his company perhaps more than his hands. This morning, when she’d woken sandy-eyed and melancholy, she had known she didn’t want to keep a safe distance from him.
Despite the differences in their experience, he never laughed at her. In fact, he appeared determined to educate her about the world. Yet she still had a great many doubts.
Giles enjoyed sex. She had always supposed he did. The intense expression he wore always reassured her that it was in pleasure when he moaned. That look on his face at the end, wild and unrestrained, told her just how much he wanted it. But the sheer number of women he had taken to his bed and the variety he was used to were daunting.
A shriek of laugher from outside the window drew Giles’ attention. It would only be one of the maids flirting with a groom, but what he saw brought a deep scowl to his face. His sharp nose and blue eyes brooded on the view, appearing displeased despite his usual indifference to his staff’s playful antics.
“Hell, indeed,” Giles said, raking his fingers through his hair, agitation clear in every movement.
Knowing he could turn and find her spying on him at any moment, she drew herself up straight and stepped over the threshold. “Good morning, Lord Daventry.”
Giles spun at the sound of her voice. As it usually did, Lilly’s heart beat double-time as their gazes locked. He watched her for a long moment and, instead of feeling anxious, Lilly gained strength.
He appeared nervous. More nervous than she, in fact.
His hands fidgeted with his cuff and waistcoat, smoothing out unwrinkled garments when there was no need. When Giles dragged in a deep breath and let it out slowly, Lilly took a step forward. His eyes flicked from her head to her toes, but came back to hold her gaze.
Emboldened by his silence, by the slight lift of his lips towards a smile, Lilly moved to stand before him. As much as she tried, she couldn’t hold his gaze. Such intense inspections unnerved her. She looked outside without seeing. Heat suffused her cheeks and she guessed she would look as pink as a blushing bride on her wedding day.
But there would be no wedding, no happily-ever-after to this tale. Lilly would have what little of Giles Wexham was freely given and be glad for a small slice of happiness.
If he were honest, her presence relieved him too.
Giles had spent last night and today in a bundle of confused thoughts and feelings. Uppermost in his mind was how she could possibly forgive him, if it were possible for Lilly to overlook his past scandalous behavior and remain his friend.
If she could dare to come into his company alone again, after what they had spoken of yesterday, Giles at least had a chance to regain some lost ground. How far she was prepared to go worried him, because he desperately wanted her friendship back.
“Good morning, Miss Winter.” He wanted to call her Lilly again, but he was unsure of himself. Formality was safer for now. Lilly would let him know what she would allow.
She raised her eyes to his. “The grounds look very pretty today.” The whites of her eyes were dull and she appeared exhausted. Had she endured as troubling a night as he?
“Yes, the workers did an excellent job to repair my neglect. I hired on two additional gardeners to come in each week. Dithers is beside himself, not that he will show it. I think he expects I may be back in residence more often because of it.”
“Will you be?” she queried with a small quirk of her head, and then raised a hand to her neck, grimacing as she did so.
“I was considering it, but it is a very quiet neighborhood. I would need to have greater company to be content here for long periods of time.”
Her expression changed, another delicate blush built to cover her skin in warm color. She looked toward the garden. “There would be many families hereabouts that you could befriend, Giles.”